a thread for alcoholics, addicts, and al-anons

[Shan]

 I'll have to admit that my weight gain after I left the forums had a lot to do with my penchant for a few cocktails every night as part of my unwinding process. I come from European stock, primarily Norwegian/Finnish and we all know what a tendency they have for alcoholism. I bought the AA Big Book several years ago and devoured it completely, chapter five being especially meaningful, but just like the Holy Bible, I tend not to read it most of the time which is part of the human condition to avoid what we ought not to. Thankfully I don't have diabetes, but I'm sure that my body doesn't handle the sugars well and thus my maintenance level alcoholism causes weight gain rather than loss like some. I will quit for months on end, but invariably someone is having a social event and I happily enjoy the evening rather than playing the "poor me I'm an alcoholic theme" on them. Thankfully I can limit my intake unlike when I was younger and didn't care, but that doesn't mean that I'm not still and alcoholic.

[Trinity]

Its a personal decision.

I feel the pull most when I am dysphoric. Fortunately now, and Shan this is different from how you knew me before, now I just go full out she or me or whatever you want to describe this amazing ability that I have to be out as any gender including the nonbinary ones and be totally comfortable with them all, but if I fight that need to be myself, really, the drink signals do start.

There was a scenario that I had feared running, the one where I wound up full TS and on the streets. Well, my wife had enough time and courage and love to adjust to me being who I am, and I go out to my AA meetings full passing female transwoman. And I love that, trust me. But if I fight it, I will wind up out anyway, and the poor me I can't get laid thing comes up and I want the drink and sex and all that goes with that.

Its great when your spouse learns to love you as you are. I don't wear the wig, my haircut is female but I comb it back to look more male, she sees what she needs to and I do too, though I am usually in jeans and a camisole, or some rather nice lingerie for sleeping and a white satin robe. And now I can lavish all that attention on her, as me, though I am not a top as they say. Far from it, I am completely TS female in bed and at night. Including on the street, if I choose to be.  It only depends on what I want and who I am with.  Doesn't matter much anymore, I know whats under my shirt.

But dysphoria specifically, and the depression that it bites down hard with, that fueled my alcoholism for decades. Now that the dysphoria can be addressed with... "wait, what, I am sh'e already, why be dysphoric, go get dressed and go to a meeting and get loved up by the young trans guys and nonbinary guys that have the hots for you"...

I hate that folks go through pain, whether dysphoria or loss of love. At the end of the day, my dear one, it is this community of oddball transpeople that can love us up and carry us when we are down. I see it every day, it is a priveledge and great gift to have those that offer loving arms at the end of the night, to embrace you as you are, and chat online as we do now. Whether you are missing for a season, or always around, there is nothing so permanent as the truth of transpeople needing each other in the dark of the night.

The ciswives love us, they feel our pain, but I think it takes a transperson to really understand what we feel.

Love ya kiddo. Your posts helped save my marriage back in the day, happy ending on this one. Actually, happy beginning.

I dearly hope all is ok at home. I am worried about you. You're a tough warrior, you get through it, but is ok to lean on folks from time to time when the battles have you down.

Trinity/Satinjoy

[Shan]

There was a time early on when a few drinks drove me to strap on a guy for some kinky sex, I found that it wasn't at all pleasant and an awful decision as it left me feeling awful about myself. Most of the bad decisions in my life were alcohol fueled mistakes. 

Thanks for being so sweet though, because I know I was pretty grumpy and prickly when I left the forum. I'm doing well enough in spite of my younger brother taking his own life. He was on chemo for stage IV liver cancer after forty years of being blotto. He was clean and sober for the last ten years but the years of heavy boozing destroyed his liver. The chemo was affecting his brain and he became delusional with extreme paranoia and did himself in with his .38 revolver. My mother-in-law died just a month earlier then my dog died, I'm past all the tears and have moved well beyond all that, it is what it is and we all deal with it. So I'm picking up from where I left off and life is good honey, so don't waste any time worrying about me, but thanks for being a sweetheart all the same.

[Trinity]

All that matters darling is that you are here.

Love you Shan.

[Shan]

Feb 5, 2016 8:16:22 GMT 8 Trinity said:

All that matters darling is that you are here.

Love you Shan.

Back at you sweet pea!

[Trinity]

I need to do some step work, feeling the disease getting traction and less spirituality. Definitely not good.

Insidious disease. Comes at me in many ways.

[Shan]

Feb 7, 2016 21:41:17 GMT 8 Trinity said:

I need to do some step work, feeling the disease getting traction and less spirituality. Definitely not good.

Insidious disease. Comes at me in many ways.

We're all different, and for that reason don't ever follow my example when it comes to how I deal with my own alcoholism. But I find that the less I focus on how to deal with the elephant in the room, then the less attention it gets and the more time I have to think of, and do other things and I don't tend to even have a desire for it at the end of the day. Then again, there are different types of alcoholism. Some are binge drinkers and other's like myself tend to be maintenance level types who don't have that same drive and can go for months without a drink.

[Trinity]

I was dying from it at 25.  Slowly and relentlessly losing everything and it would not have been much longer.

Its not about "my way".

Its whatever works.  And yes its a bridge to living,  its restoration.

[Shan]

Feb 8, 2016 1:52:58 GMT 8 Trinity said:

I was dying from it at 25.  Slowly and relentlessly losing everything and it would not have been much longer.

Its not about "my way".

Its whatever works.  And yes its a bridge to living,  its restoration.

Glad you survived and are here to tell about it and lead others out of that fog.

[Trinity]

Feb 8, 2016 4:48:11 GMT 8 Shan said:

Feb 8, 2016 1:52:58 GMT 8 Trinity said:

I was dying from it at 25.  Slowly and relentlessly losing everything and it would not have been much longer.

Its not about "my way".

Its whatever works.  And yes its a bridge to living,  its restoration.

Glad you survived and are here to tell about it and lead others out of that fog.

Me too.  Thanks dear one.

[Shan]

I had never really put the use of alcohol completely behind me until now, get this.....every Fall and Winter I suffer through a lot of post-nasal drainage, uncontrollable coughing and wheezing until my ribs and muscles hurt from the continuous activity. My VA doctor has had every test possible run on me over the last few years because I have wound up in the ER twice not being able to breathe well because of it. She finally outsourced me to an allergy specialist who ran skin tests on me as well as a huge test to determine once and for all if I have asthma. So it turns out that I’m allergic to dust, dust mites (my wife keeps an immaculately clean house) and certain pollens, but that I don’t have asthma. VA has been treating me for asthma for several years. This specialist says that I have allergic rhinitis and then he made the comment that alcohol use can severely exacerbate the problem, something clicked in my brain. Once I quit the alcohol and used Sudafed for awhile the problem went away. I'm putting this out for anyone else who drinks and suffers similar problems as it's just more encouragement to get off the sauce once and for all and enjoy good health.

[Shan]

Found the answer related to uncontrollable nasal congestion and wheezing in some alcohol consumers. Here's two authoritative articles:

www.aaaai.org/ask-the-expert/effect-ingestion-alcohol.aspx

www.sciencedaily.com/releases/2008/07/080729133521.htm

[Trinity]

Ttt

[Trinity]

Dynamics at home are still rough. We asked to stay at our apt, the answer remains we must leave. The control issues are a big part of it.

Im tired of fighting codependents. Its draining me.

My wife is not doing well with hers. Nor my daughter.

Ugh.

[Cynthia13]

Is the apartment tied somehow to the codependency issues?