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Post by Deleted on Aug 28, 2015 6:05:34 GMT 8
Enjoy it, if it turns on you, we can talk. Have fun and dont get knocked up. Knocked up? No way no how. I wish the possibility was there though but nah, not really. Too old for that anyway. Knocked out maybe. Fun? Most definitely. I guess it's just another mask that I have to wear to keep up appearances. Why do people find appearances so important? Not just looking good, that's not a bad thing, but actually playing the part of whatever or whoever? That's what I'm talking about Ativan.
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Post by Ativan Prescribed on Aug 28, 2015 7:33:04 GMT 8
I gotta beep a gunk a chucha honk konk konk ka gancha each you puna each ya bop a luba each yal bump a kechonk ease sum konk ya, ride...
After a all day/night kegs party in front of the apartment that I lived in (yah I was partying as well), I woke up in the morning to the sounds of someone beating on various 55 gallon barrels in a semi empty lot across the street. I got up to see what was going on and looked around at a dozen of so passed out people laying on cars and the sidewalk, and slowly focused back on that barrel beating person, watched him line up a few of them and using a couple of big chunks of wood, watched him working out what was soon apparently 'Roadhouse Blues'. He got the beat down, made it almost sound right and then started in singing the song. By the time he was done, a half dozen people up and down the block had joined in. They all finished it, and I went back downstairs and yep, I got myself a beer. Ya gotta Roll baby, roll...
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Post by Ativan Prescribed on Aug 28, 2015 7:35:12 GMT 8
Why do people find appearances so important? I suppose the same reason they like to watch reality shows...
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Post by Deleted on Aug 28, 2015 12:33:48 GMT 8
Enjoy it, if it turns on you, we can talk. Have fun and dont get knocked up. Knocked up? No way no how. I wish the possibility was there though but nah, not really. Too old for that anyway. Knocked out maybe. Fun? Most definitely. I guess it's just another mask that I have to wear to keep up appearances. Why do people find appearances so important? Not just looking good, that's not a bad thing, but actually playing the part of whatever or whoever? That's what I'm talking about Ativan . Hey at the the new job i gotta play that appearence game. Haircut, sharp business look. My wife is aghast at my current look. She keeps telling me to wear my clown suit and go make money. She also said why should i care, i've got the wigs. Though she cant handle it to see me in them. Doesnt matter much. The thing is seeing past those appearences deep into your eyes, or theres. Seeing the core... Trinity
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Post by Deleted on Aug 29, 2015 6:01:13 GMT 8
I gotta beep a gunk a chucha honk konk konk ka gancha each you puna each ya bop a luba each yal bump a kechonk ease sum konk ya, ride... After a all day/night kegs party in front of the apartment that I lived in (yah I was partying as well), I woke up in the morning to the sounds of someone beating on various 55 gallon barrels in a semi empty lot across the street. I got up to see what was going on and looked around at a dozen of so passed out people laying on cars and the sidewalk, and slowly focused back on that barrel beating person, watched him line up a few of them and using a couple of big chunks of wood, watched him working out what was soon apparently 'Roadhouse Blues'. He got the beat down, made it almost sound right and then started in singing the song. By the time he was done, a half dozen people up and down the block had joined in. They all finished it, and I went back downstairs and yep, I got myself a beer. Ya gotta Roll baby, roll... I am not much different than Jim Morrison. Not as well known for sure but a sort of living on the fringe, say shit others want to say but don't have the guts. Hell hun I maybe the only transchick with bigger balls than a gorilla, just not as hairy. I'm pretty quick to tell people to kiss my ass, I will butt heads ( get yall's mind out of the gutter because you could actually say that is pretty much Transbian tribbing or if you boyfriend likes it . But I am never top.) Really didn't mean to go there. So sorry if this offends or embarrasses anyone. But... If I think I'm right I will butt heads and usually I end up being right because I don't claim to know more than I do or are willing to research. So some people because they won't look into what I got to say kind of think I'm a little Eccentric, kinda' like Jim climbing a fence when the other members of the Doors were talking seriously about a record contract. But just a little fact of Jim Morrison. He died from a Heroine OD in a bath tub in France from shooting it. The band says that Jim always snorted it or smoked it because he was scared of needles. HMMM. Conspiracy? Maybe. He always told them he would be number three and was after Janis and Jimmie. I just find it interesting that he pretty much predicted his own death. Hell I do some things and shooting is not in my MO and never will be no matter how messed up I am. I hate needles too and have been out of my mind and flying high and never main veined because I don't like needles. Don't have a fear of them per say, just don't like them. Don't like seeing my own blood either. Just sayin'.
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Post by Deleted on Aug 29, 2015 6:28:50 GMT 8
Knocked up? No way no how. I wish the possibility was there though but nah, not really. Too old for that anyway. Knocked out maybe. Fun? Most definitely. I guess it's just another mask that I have to wear to keep up appearances. Why do people find appearances so important? Not just looking good, that's not a bad thing, but actually playing the part of whatever or whoever? That's what I'm talking about Ativan . Hey at the the new job i gotta play that appearence game. Haircut, sharp business look. My wife is aghast at my current look. She keeps telling me to wear my clown suit and go make money. She also said why should i care, i've got the wigs. Though she cant handle it to see me in them. Doesnt matter much. The thing is seeing past those appearences deep into your eyes, or theres. Seeing the core... Trinity So sorry Trinity. A haircut is the blockade I will never cross. Whoever don't like it can kiss it. Yes I may wear a monkey suit if the money was good. My hair? I wash it. I take care of it and it feels good to comb it out and feel it wet on my back. It also feels good when my lover wheter woman or man, runds their fingers through it. So I can still have long hair, use minimal makeup and wear some unisex clothing. But I have to be a guy or a has been badboy. I can also get away with a little more than what most other people can. So in that respect, I'm lucky other than having to come across as Dawg. But the core is always there. Always will be and has never changed since I can remember. A little advice and something of wisdom if you can ever relate me to wisdom. Your wife tells you to suck it up and wear the clown suit and go make money? Sometimes dear friend, we have to face the truth. Is it a marriage of love and respect for her or just of convenience and security? Sometimes the truth sucks and we all have to face it eventually or if we can deal with it and then live with it. I couldn't. I'm much happier. Doin' my own thing and I hear from her and her BS about how she could accept me NOW. Really? She couldn't accept me before so screw her now. If we were to reconcile then she would more than likely have it made and that is what she would be worried about. Not me but rather what I could do and provide for her and that is sad. It would be sadder if I ever took her back. She pushed me to go into a world in which I do not belong. I am not corporate material. I am not managatorial or managerial or WETF you call it, material. Hell I ain't even social material. But that is what makes me who and what I am and semi successful with what I do. Yeah Trin, we all know ourselves on a core level but sometimes we do have to push back and express ourselves in the face of adversity. I love washing my hair and feeling it wet hanging down my back. Then i love being able to fix it like I don;t give a fuck, parted down the middle with enough stuff in it to look "dirty" or fix it when I go out with my other half in an ultra feminine style. 20 million a year is not enough for me to get a short haircut. But hun, we all have to do what we can until it becomes too much and we just gotta' say "screw it. I'm gonna' be me and whoever don;t like it can kiss it."
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Post by Deleted on Aug 29, 2015 11:12:19 GMT 8
Hey at the the new job i gotta play that appearence game. Haircut, sharp business look. My wife is aghast at my current look. She keeps telling me to wear my clown suit and go make money. She also said why should i care, i've got the wigs. Though she cant handle it to see me in them. Doesnt matter much. The thing is seeing past those appearences deep into your eyes, or theres. Seeing the core... Trinity So sorry Trinity. A haircut is the blockade I will never cross. Whoever don't like it can kiss it. Yes I may wear a monkey suit if the money was good. My hair? I wash it. I take care of it and it feels good to comb it out and feel it wet on my back. It also feels good when my lover wheter woman or man, runds their fingers through it. So I can still have long hair, use minimal makeup and wear some unisex clothing. But I have to be a guy or a has been badboy. I can also get away with a little more than what most other people can. So in that respect, I'm lucky other than having to come across as Dawg. But the core is always there. Always will be and has never changed since I can remember. A little advice and something of wisdom if you can ever relate me to wisdom. Your wife tells you to suck it up and wear the clown suit and go make money? Sometimes dear friend, we have to face the truth. Is it a marriage of love and respect for her or just of convenience and security? Sometimes the truth sucks and we all have to face it eventually or if we can deal with it and then live with it. I couldn't. I'm much happier. Doin' my own thing and I hear from her and her BS about how she could accept me NOW. Really? She couldn't accept me before so screw her now. If we were to reconcile then she would more than likely have it made and that is what she would be worried about. Not me but rather what I could do and provide for her and that is sad. It would be sadder if I ever took her back. She pushed me to go into a world in which I do not belong. I am not corporate material. I am not managatorial or managerial or WETF you call it, material. Hell I ain't even social material. But that is what makes me who and what I am and semi successful with what I do. Yeah Trin, we all know ourselves on a core level but sometimes we do have to push back and express ourselves in the face of adversity. I love washing my hair and feeling it wet hanging down my back. Then i love being able to fix it like I don;t give a fuck, parted down the middle with enough stuff in it to look "dirty" or fix it when I go out with my other half in an ultra feminine style. 20 million a year is not enough for me to get a short haircut. But hun, we all have to do what we can until it becomes too much and we just gotta' say "screw it. I'm gonna' be me and whoever don;t like it can kiss it." When the night starts, the real me shines... Corporate ill play the game. Home, i become... Well, my lingerie aint cheap and thats all i wear at night or at breakfast...
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Post by Deleted on Aug 30, 2015 2:37:54 GMT 8
So sorry Trinity. A haircut is the blockade I will never cross. Whoever don't like it can kiss it. Yes I may wear a monkey suit if the money was good. My hair? I wash it. I take care of it and it feels good to comb it out and feel it wet on my back. It also feels good when my lover wheter woman or man, runds their fingers through it. So I can still have long hair, use minimal makeup and wear some unisex clothing. But I have to be a guy or a has been badboy. I can also get away with a little more than what most other people can. So in that respect, I'm lucky other than having to come across as Dawg. But the core is always there. Always will be and has never changed since I can remember. A little advice and something of wisdom if you can ever relate me to wisdom. Your wife tells you to suck it up and wear the clown suit and go make money? Sometimes dear friend, we have to face the truth. Is it a marriage of love and respect for her or just of convenience and security? Sometimes the truth sucks and we all have to face it eventually or if we can deal with it and then live with it. I couldn't. I'm much happier. Doin' my own thing and I hear from her and her BS about how she could accept me NOW. Really? She couldn't accept me before so screw her now. If we were to reconcile then she would more than likely have it made and that is what she would be worried about. Not me but rather what I could do and provide for her and that is sad. It would be sadder if I ever took her back. She pushed me to go into a world in which I do not belong. I am not corporate material. I am not managatorial or managerial or WETF you call it, material. Hell I ain't even social material. But that is what makes me who and what I am and semi successful with what I do. Yeah Trin, we all know ourselves on a core level but sometimes we do have to push back and express ourselves in the face of adversity. I love washing my hair and feeling it wet hanging down my back. Then i love being able to fix it like I don;t give a fuck, parted down the middle with enough stuff in it to look "dirty" or fix it when I go out with my other half in an ultra feminine style. 20 million a year is not enough for me to get a short haircut. But hun, we all have to do what we can until it becomes too much and we just gotta' say "screw it. I'm gonna' be me and whoever don;t like it can kiss it." When the night starts, the real me shines... Corporate ill play the game. Home, i become... Well, my lingerie aint cheap and thats all i wear at night or at breakfast... Never be cheap hon. Only the best and you get what you pay for. Like I said, I am lucky. I went a totally different way and own my own business and am doing really well at my hobby and it is paying now finally. So in one my hair isn't important, the other it kind of is. But I really ain't and have never been the corporate type. I'm just too quick to tell people to kiss my butt, to put it nicely. But we have to do what we have to do to secure our future. Right now I have to play the part of a man but can get away with a little more clothing wise and makeup wise and especially hair wise than most.
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Post by Cynthia13 on Nov 18, 2015 3:03:25 GMT 8
I'm in this odd mood after a phone call with an old friend, sort of an attached detachment... There's a swirl of thoughts and emotions spinning within me. Memories have been rekindled, things I haven't thought about in years. Countless hours watching my sons and their friends playing ball or Pokemon at my home, trips to the beach and the springs, the laughter and even the arguments. The simple times that seemed like they'd last forever... smart, sweet, sassy, pains in the asses! Jk
I hate the path the friends are on now. I've seen this path... Two young men and their families struggling, caught in the midst of the consequences to their drug addiction. Tough choices lay ahead for all of them...
I am forever grateful for my program (Nar Anon) and how it works for me. It's saved me in so many ways. It's not an easy path and will test you to the breaking point, but it can be walked with your head held high knowing that none of us are ever alone in this struggle. Faith kicks in and tells me that we all wind up on the path we need in order to gain the strength and learn the lessons we need. So just for this moment, I'm releasing this to a power far greater than me.
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Post by kdkorz10211 on Dec 2, 2015 14:50:20 GMT 8
I rely on drinking or smoking weed to feel like myself. What I mean by that is that when I'm drunk or stoned, my body doesn't bother me as much and I can really feel my nonbinary energy the strongest.
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Post by Trinity on Dec 2, 2015 19:41:53 GMT 8
I rely on drinking or smoking weed to feel like myself. What I mean by that is that when I'm drunk or stoned, my body doesn't bother me as much and I can really feel my nonbinary energy the strongest. Yes a familiar tale and common to many. When you unblock the enrrgy of your unique gender, getting past and healing from the headttips of the past, the booze and drugs wont be needed to feel your truth. I dont tell anyone they need to quit. If you can safely partake then enjoy it. If it turns on you, i can be here if you wish. Free your gender, anger is interfering, deprogram yourself from the matrix, know you are freed and own it. It is yours, your life, your freedom. Freedom comes from being free inside, wounds take time to heal, and help from others who have also been hurt. Been there, done that. Trinity
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Post by kdkorz10211 on Dec 6, 2015 16:23:47 GMT 8
I'm drunk right now again, and I'll keep drinking more. I'm a bad Buddhist. No intoxicants yet here I am. Failure.
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Post by Laura J on Dec 7, 2015 9:01:16 GMT 8
You sound so much like me during the years before I came out and started living for the first time in my life.. I drank so much I destroyed my liver.. What did I have to loose now I thought.? So I came out, and took a big leap of faith..
Now I'm me, more me than I dreamed I could be..
You are not a failure..!! You can win.!! You can give up the booze and drugs, and let your true authentic self be your drug..!
The first time you're out, and someone tells you they love you just for being you, you'll realize how worthwhile it all is..
Please don't be afraid, and think of yourself as a looser.. You are loved, probably by more people than you know of..
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Post by Mingma on Dec 12, 2015 8:53:30 GMT 8
I just spent an hour or so reading most of the posts in this thread. I have not taken a drink in many years, neither do i use drugs except when my friends feed me something tasty and pleasant when going out for music or theater. But I have lived the sad and lonely life of the alcoholic, and sat nodding and dreaming while people I cared about died.
"Men and Women drink mainly because they like the effect." In my case it always, and I have no reason to expect that it would not now, fundamentally changes the way I relate to the world. It let me be gay, it let me be trans before I really knew what that meant. It let me quiet the incessant clamor of noise from a thousand thoughts and fears that competed for my attention. Ultimately it took my soul.
When I read kdkorz10211's posts I saw a bit of myself. I could not embrace Buddhism with the alcohol that was controlling my life. I was a bad buddhist. But the lessons of the Buddha and the wisdom in the Vedas offer a different path to quiet the monkey brain. Make no mistake, other faiths and the steps arrive at the same space and for me AA preceded meditation. For now anyway I have found a path to continue my journey that does not need to be chemically facilitated. For me peace comes in the shape of a quiet space, a singing bowl, and Shiva dancing.
Namaste,
Julie
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Post by Trinity on Jan 28, 2016 18:43:39 GMT 8
What bugs me most is how sneaky the disease is.
It snuck up on me again. I feel my sobriety slipping into an unhealthy place.
I glue onto people. I do it here and it drives others off the boards. Its not a good thing. Its not why I stayed here to help.
I found a lost piece of me but I forgot the bigger part of me that is all disease.
My alcoholism drives me. It is a whip on my neck, a subtle foe, it is a source of ego and of fragility. It takes pure motives and turns them evil, corrupts them, alters them into something that is self serving in the disguise of being selfless. It truly sucks.
I am an adult child of an alcoholic, a man who I love a lot, who passed out every night at 8 after drinking huge amounts of Sherry (eeeww). I was no better of course and trans hastened my crash and burn so I got sober 30 years ago and have been active in AA about 20 of it, 10 in the church. So I ought to have known better, but the way this stuff works doesn't vary, if I don't live the required antidote lifestyle I will act out in ways that hurt others indirectly. I begin to create collateral damage through the issues of control. Control as in subtle manipulation through using people's feelings to help them, but what business is it of mine to do that. Yes I want to guide them to a way of less pain. Its all bloody motives, drawing attention to self instead of seeing from another's eyes and reaching into their hearts in a way that heals.
I am really pissed at myself right now for it, yeah I am human but I fell right into the trap, and its a trap that is pervasive on other sites.
So I appologize to the forum for letting my guard down and not watching for everyone in here, as I want to, and maybe alienating those I want to help the most. I see the divine at work again though, I feel like I am in training, I mean come on, I did crawl out of a condemned building in harlem. Its still there they renovated it, drove by it the other day, the neighborhood gentrified like most of Manhattan has.
I am manipulated by my own alcoholism, which spins into codependency. Only by living sober, taking personal inventory, looking for the deeper things in that inventory now by questioning motives (why are you doing that? is a good question to start with).
So now that I have confessed this maybe I can do something about it.
If you see me falling into unsober behavior patterns, please, please pm me and tell me before I just keep on doing it. Ativan did it for me for years, with them not on forum (its still going to be a while darn it) then there is nobody to correct me when I start feeding the monster ego again.
My appologies to the forum. I am ashamed of myself for getting drawn into it, but I do understand it is necessary to fall into the trap to learn how to not fall into the trap and get out.
This place I am living in is riddled with codependents, its really bad.
Trinity
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