inherit
4
0
Jul 11, 2019 20:09:26 GMT 8
1,471
Taka
1,648
Nov 18, 2014 3:23:40 GMT 8
November 2014
taka
sooty
he and they work best
rather fluid
|
Post by Taka on Jan 22, 2015 20:46:16 GMT 8
there are many reasons for wanting to end one's life. the most recent case here, was a woman who ended her life with an overdose, leaving three living children and a good boyfriend. the pain of losing her other two children never left her. not for a moment. she had the happiest christmas since her oldest son died several years ago. all her children were visiting. when they left, she crashed down so hard there really was no light for her to find. i can't possibly blame her for not wanting to go on anymore. her children's cries when they lowered her coffin were painful to hear. but what pain must she not have felt when she lost her children over and over again, every single day, never being able to prevent it? i don't even want to imagine.
but not all pain is permanent, and some permanent pains aren't bad enough to kill oneself over. i've contemplated suicide a whole lot of times in the past. even in grade school. i know people who even wanted to die when they were younger than that, i wonder how parents can fail their kids that badly. or teachers. sometimes it's the teachers' fault for not looking after the children properly and allowing them to bully someone enough that they'd rather die.
whenever i thought about ending things, the first thing that came to mind was not leaving any mess for others to clean up. always had to postpone plans for a day or two, and by then it had gotten better. another side of it is that i also always knew that what i really wanted to do was run away. erase my entire existence actually. that would be best. probably a result of lack of validation. i was never good enough for my parents, never seen as an individual with my own brain and opinions and thoughts and fears. i've wished for my parents' deaths so many times, but could never kill them. they'd always guilt me into doing according to their will, or use outright emotional violence to force me. i don't think i'll ever forgive them for how they made me feel. home is not a safe place for me. it's just a bed to sleep in. and a prison. though i've gotten over that.
but it's been a while since i last wanted to cease living. long enough that i don't really understand the feeling properly anymore. i'll have to read something really sad and painful in order to get into a mood where i can understand these things. or dig up my past, run into those old corners where i felt so trapped.
i still want to run away. live a different kind of life. i'm not sure why, but i can get any feeling of permanency. wanting to stay in a place. i never felt like i belonged anywhere, always felt out of place. but now at least i can feel it right. i want to run away. i don't want my life to end, just to go somewhere else.
what got me out of the bad loop, was my anxiety getting out of hand, and me realizing it. i was being afraid of things that don't matter. so i had to think things through, properly. remember what i'm doing here. i've made the choice myself, so i'd better learn to live happily with it. it also matters that i wouldn't trust my parents or anyone else to take care of my daughter. how could i possibly leave her.
so i took all the arguments i've thrown at mildly suicidal people, and applied them to my own life. it works, though it might have been easier if someone else threw them at me to begin with. it's so difficult to have to take it all from within myself. but it really did work itself out.
|
|
inherit
60
0
1
May 18, 2024 9:37:08 GMT 8
4,666
Ativan Prescribed
8,479
Jan 9, 2015 10:22:46 GMT 8
January 2015
ativanprescribed
|
Post by Ativan Prescribed on Jan 23, 2015 8:28:28 GMT 8
|
|
inherit
4
0
Jul 11, 2019 20:09:26 GMT 8
1,471
Taka
1,648
Nov 18, 2014 3:23:40 GMT 8
November 2014
taka
sooty
he and they work best
rather fluid
|
Post by Taka on Jan 23, 2015 17:23:17 GMT 8
psychedelics can have interesting effects outside the immediate psychedelic ones. i've never tried any, but am interested. they seem less dangerous in the long term than other drugs. it seems to me it's not really the suicidality they fix, but the reasons behind. like depression or addiction. not sure how they'd work on anxiety, as they can cause it. they can also cause psychosis, so it's best to be careful. even people with a good grip on reality can lose it. any addiction would be to the effects on the mind, physical addiction doesn't seem to happen. i supposed i could get addicted to reality escape.
|
|
Deleted
Deleted Member
Posts: 0
Deleted
inherit
guest@proboards.com
12
0
May 19, 2024 0:28:51 GMT 8
Deleted
0
May 19, 2024 0:28:51 GMT 8
January 1970
Deleted
|
Post by Deleted on Jan 23, 2015 23:38:34 GMT 8
Planning on taking some medicine tonight
|
|
Metamorph
Full Member
What does this status thing do?
Posts: 245
Gender: FTM Non-Binary
Pronouns: He/His/Him
inherit
14
0
Apr 23, 2015 9:35:51 GMT 8
187
Metamorph
What does this status thing do?
245
Nov 19, 2014 11:06:13 GMT 8
November 2014
metamorph
FTM Non-Binary
He/His/Him
|
Post by Metamorph on Jan 24, 2015 1:43:27 GMT 8
I almost didn't go to this thread but I agree with Ativan. This stuff should be talked about. I have so much to say. I am ok, so no one feel like you have upset me.
I have a plan. It's a plan that will succeed. I spent so much time researching the plan, figuring out what would succeed and what would cause the least mess. What I mean about that is I was thinking about who would find the body. This was years ago now. One of the things that Ativan said resonated. It's best not to have a plan. I can't take that plan away. I can't take the knowledge away. I am not in danger of following that plan now, but it's still there.
I have to say I really disagree with the comments that suicide is selfish or self-indulgent. Sometimes it may be, but you can't make a broad statement like that. Many people who commit suicide do think about the impact they have on others. They try to mitigate that impact. Of course you can't. I've lost close friends to suicide and it's incredibly painful. The pain it inflicts on others is true. But that doesn't make the person who commits suicide selfish. It's pretty common knowledge that you have to be careful when rescuing a drowning person. That they may accidentally pull you down and under. It's no different with someone who commits suicide.
Options? I spent *years* being suicidal. I was cutting and burning myself on a daily basis. I was starving and purging and ODing. Every day I wished I dead. Every morning I woke up and thought "I can't do this". I hated myself and had horrible nightmares constantly. At that point telling me I had options would be like telling a drowning person that the life ring is just 20 feet away. I was staying alive because I had animals. Sometimes I lost sight of that and my self-injury would slip into something more dangerous. I would try for a "mistake" that would kill me. One time I decided I was done. I got my affairs in order, as they say. I hired a pet sitter so that when I died there would be time to move them into their new homes. I gave specific information on how to take care of them and where they should go. I was lucky a friend figured it out. I didn't admit my plan because I didn't want him to stop me because I truly believed I couldn't do it. Couldn't continue living. What did he do? He didn't tell me I had options or all the typical things people said. He asked me to wait. Not don't do it, he asked me to wait and gave me some specific things to wait for. And I decided I could wait a few more months. I didn't want to be alive. I really didn't. I know that's hard for some people to wrap their brains around. I spent years living for others- my critters and friends. That felt awful at times. I would think about
That's how I got through those years. I always had date. That's how I got through those times. I'd set a date and then when I got there, I'd move the day out a bit. Sometimes it was "just one more day". Sometimes it was a few months out. It was exhausting living that way. It was such a hopeless feeling. People always say it's a long term solution to short term problem but that was the thing. I was dealing with the fact I would always have to live with my mental illness. I would always have to live with the trauma of my childhood. I would always have the memories, flashbacks, nightmares, etc. It didn't feel like a short term problem. It still doesn't. I still think about suicide. I can go weeks now without thinking about it. Today was one of those days though, when I woke up and thought "I want to be dead'. I'm not at all in danger of acting on that.
Part of my defense is knowing I lived through that. I didn't do it then, so even though I woke up wanting to be dead there's no risk. Part of my defense is what kept me alive now, my critters. I'm responsible for them and can't abandon them. And my special needs critters probably have no other option than me. I can't tell you how many times in the past that's what kept me alive. I now have an amazing therapist who understands PTSD and DID and all parts of me talk to her. Because that's the thing, even if I, topher, have strong defenses, there are others inside who are much more desperate. My defense- my family is no longer in my life and I have amazing friends. Also, I have these words. I have the ability to talk and understand I have DID (as much as I hate it). And I know to break it down when it gets to big. Get through the next day, the next hour the next minute..
One thing about the DID and the idea of selfishness and such. There was a time I lost control. I was no longer in charge. I did need intervention. It wasn't that I wasn't thinking about others, it was that I wasn't thinking in a rational organized way. I was switching so fast. I came to one time surround by pill bottles. I was downing advil but there was so much else there. It wasn't selfish. It was mental illness.
|
|
inherit
60
0
1
May 18, 2024 9:37:08 GMT 8
4,666
Ativan Prescribed
8,479
Jan 9, 2015 10:22:46 GMT 8
January 2015
ativanprescribed
|
Post by Ativan Prescribed on Jan 24, 2015 1:57:03 GMT 8
psychedelics can have interesting effects outside the immediate psychedelic ones. i've never tried any, but am interested. they seem less dangerous in the long term than other drugs. it seems to me it's not really the suicidality they fix, but the reasons behind. like depression or addiction. not sure how they'd work on anxiety, as they can cause it. they can also cause psychosis, so it's best to be careful. even people with a good grip on reality can lose it. any addiction would be to the effects on the mind, physical addiction doesn't seem to happen. i supposed i could get addicted to reality escape. I have used many different kinds in many settings, some in traditional settings of native culture. mescaline, peyote, some stuff I'm not at all sure what it was... It seems like a lot to go through, reality does take a break. But it's pretty much a disconnect from it and then restarting it or going back to reality. It's just an altered state of perception, nothing more, doesn't have addictive properties, if some think it has for them, that isn't their real problem. I think of it in terms now of it being a reboot of reality. Sometimes you just need to turn it off and turn it back on to see it more clearly. Suicide can be an altered view of reality, a very negative one that seems to loop or ruminate negative thoughts. If it can give you a break or break that cycle, it could very well stop the depression, PTSD, anxiety, and more. Getting falling down drunk is very much an altered state of mind that reality is distorted. Same with a lot of drugs that do it by flooding your brain with feel good things like dopamine, serotonin, etc. It's the drop in those levels that never quite come back to normal that causes addiction. Hallucinogens might also do that, but it your response to the alter reality they create and the levels come back to normal, sometimes taking their time to go back down, but not below the normal levels. There have been some questionable tests done to confirm this line of thinking, but it is pretty much the difference. They alter your perception and of course there are responses in brain chemistry, but they don't directly affect those ones that are involved with addiction. You can get those same kinds of changes by simply living an extreme event. Sometimes those events stick with you in weird ways. So rebooting seems like a likely way to bring those events back to what your perception see's as reality, the one we share. Most of us anyways... I'm never really sure about mine, I've always had the thought that you never really come down from acid, you just get used to it. But if that helps in itself from the pain of depression,anxiety, PTSD,... It's better than the crap that comes in little bottles with outrageous side effects that you need even more drugs to counteract. Makes more sense to try a once a month or less 'fun' day, with very little bad side effects, if any, than to be taking all the mind numbing crap they give me now. Not to mention the good old burn your brain connection ECT's that simply wipe out memories, without much real definition of just which ones it burns out. Those wonderful experiences can wipe out more than you bargained for and they do that, just to get at the few you'd like to go away. I'm looking into it again, I have before, but maybe it's time to give it another look. Besides, it's just pretty much fun for the most part. Biggest drawback for me was the aching sides from laughing so much. "Does that look really weird to you?" I have lots of stories about taking hallucinogens from way back when. I still think acid went down hill in a hurry once the original Owlsey acid was used up an gone. "Shit, it doesn't matter if I open or close my eyes, it still looks the same." Lol... I think it's worth talking another shot at it, I've already given the psychiatrists, psychologists and therapists and pharmaceutical companies their turn. I think a trip out to the big Mesa country and a little local voodoo couldn't hurt any more than what the 'professionals' have already failed at.
|
|
Emily
Junior Member
Posts: 71
inherit
64
0
Jun 11, 2015 3:21:46 GMT 8
61
Emily
71
Jan 15, 2015 18:21:48 GMT 8
January 2015
emily
|
Post by Emily on Jan 24, 2015 2:52:28 GMT 8
Lets talk about this one then. For myself, I have decided that if I am going to do that at least I dont want other people being involved involuntarily, cause that's simply not fair. So walking under a bus/train/any other fast moving and hard hitting object piloted by another unsuspecting human being for me feels wrong. The bus driver will have those memories pursuing him or her for the rest of the life - and for the sake of what? Just because he or she was in the wrong place and wrong time and that car looked attractive enough...
Two years ago it felt like I had enough of that all - I could not or did not know how to move any further and it just felt as fuck to remain the same (well, the fucking worst part was staying the same way for years and years on). So, I looked at all available options and sided with OD. A quick google search told me that the only way to kill yourself with Xanax (the only stuff I had) was to choke on pills, unless... some additions were made into that cocktail. It was very weird Saturday, most of which I spent in preparations and listening to music which used to mean something, watching movies which made me make some important (at least it felt so then) decisions. Anyway, I started with vodka, then popped everything which I had (it was around 20 1mg pills) and then poured dark beer on top. I had no idea if that would work or not, but it was very strange state of mind. Something like unimaginable stress and yet calm peace (or rather oblivion) mixed within the same brain. I wanted to fall asleep and had no idea if I would wake up the next morning but at that moment I did not really care. So, what went wrong? I forgot about my weak stomach - too much vodka, strong beer coupled with enormous stress (I dont remember really that one, but I am quite sure there is one during those moments) - made me feel sick and it was just about the time when I started to feel sleepy and blurry. I threw up and had no more drugs for another attempt. I dont really have a defense plan, except that I dont put all my medication in the same place now.
So, I learned that mixing vodka and beer was a bad idea. Dunno, if I learned anything else, apart of being able to spot the symptoms. And, yeah, these feelings are not completely gone.
|
|
Deleted
Deleted Member
Posts: 0
Deleted
inherit
guest@proboards.com
3
0
May 19, 2024 0:28:51 GMT 8
Deleted
0
May 19, 2024 0:28:51 GMT 8
January 1970
Deleted
|
Post by Deleted on Jan 24, 2015 3:55:54 GMT 8
Lets talk about this one then. For myself, I have decided that if I am going to do that at least I dont want other people being involved involuntarily, cause that's simply not fair. So walking under a bus/train/any other fast moving and hard hitting object piloted by another unsuspecting human being for me feels wrong. The bus driver will have those memories pursuing him or her for the rest of the life - and for the sake of what? Just because he or she was in the wrong place and wrong time and that car looked attractive enough... I'm not advocating suicide ever but i do agree with what I highlighted mostly because suicide is always committed by selfish people, like the woman here recently who jumped off the overpass into rush hour traffic and was creamed by half a dozen cars and trucks stopping traffic for hours and inconveniencing thousands of people most of whom remembered her as a selfish bitch. I think anyone driven to kill themselves should go to the ocean or a large lake and when no-one is around go for a long swim straight out.
|
|
inherit
32
0
Jun 24, 2015 3:12:57 GMT 8
419
Edge
517
Nov 26, 2014 22:03:42 GMT 8
November 2014
edge
FTM Non-Binary
Genderfluid
He/His/Him
|
Post by Edge on Jan 24, 2015 3:56:26 GMT 8
When I was suicidal, I thought that everyone else would be better off without me. After all, that's pretty much the message I got from them. Well, f@*# them. I'm not going to give the satisfaction of winning. (This is just the attitude I have taken. Not a judgement on others.) My brother once tried to tell me later that it was "selfish" of me to try to kill myself when he saw me as a parental figure. I was a teenager in an abusive environment who was fed debilitating drugs and had no one (including my brother) on my side. Selfish? At most, that's understandable self-centredness at a time when I needed to be.
I'm pretty open about a lot of things in past that are taboo that I don't think should be. I figure the more I talk about it, the more people learn about it, the less taboo it becomes, and people who are going through similar things know they aren't alone. I hope (but I'm not sure if it works) that by talking about how I'm not suicidal anymore and am doing really well will also help inspire people who are currently going through what I did. Show them that if I can do it, there's a chance that they can too.
|
|
Deleted
Deleted Member
Posts: 0
Deleted
inherit
guest@proboards.com
3
0
May 19, 2024 0:28:51 GMT 8
Deleted
0
May 19, 2024 0:28:51 GMT 8
January 1970
Deleted
|
Post by Deleted on Jan 24, 2015 6:21:00 GMT 8
When I was suicidal, I thought that everyone else would be better off without me. After all, that's pretty much the message I got from them. Well, f@*# them. I'm not going to give the satisfaction of winning. (This is just the attitude I have taken. Not a judgement on others.) My brother once tried to tell me later that it was "selfish" of me to try to kill myself when he saw me as a parental figure. I was a teenager in an abusive environment who was fed debilitating drugs and had no one (including my brother) on my side. Selfish? At most, that's understandable self-centredness at a time when I needed to be. I'm pretty open about a lot of things in past that are taboo that I don't think should be. I figure the more I talk about it, the more people learn about it, the less taboo it becomes, and people who are going through similar things know they aren't alone. I hope (but I'm not sure if it works) that by talking about how I'm not suicidal anymore and am doing really well will also help inspire people who are currently going through what I did. Show them that if I can do it, there's a chance that they can too. Way to go Edge!
|
|
Metamorph
Full Member
What does this status thing do?
Posts: 245
Gender: FTM Non-Binary
Pronouns: He/His/Him
inherit
14
0
Apr 23, 2015 9:35:51 GMT 8
187
Metamorph
What does this status thing do?
245
Nov 19, 2014 11:06:13 GMT 8
November 2014
metamorph
FTM Non-Binary
He/His/Him
|
Post by Metamorph on Jan 24, 2015 6:38:54 GMT 8
Lets talk about this one then. For myself, I have decided that if I am going to do that at least I dont want other people being involved involuntarily, cause that's simply not fair. So walking under a bus/train/any other fast moving and hard hitting object piloted by another unsuspecting human being for me feels wrong. The bus driver will have those memories pursuing him or her for the rest of the life - and for the sake of what? Just because he or she was in the wrong place and wrong time and that car looked attractive enough... I'm not advocating suicide ever but i do agree with what I highlighted mostly because suicide is always committed by selfish people, like the woman here recently who jumped off the overpass into rush hour traffic and was creamed by half a dozen cars and trucks stopping traffic for hours and inconveniencing thousands of people most of whom remembered her as a selfish bitch. I think anyone driven to kill themselves should go to the ocean or a large lake and when no-one is around go for a long swim straight out. Shan, you really believe that suicide is always committed by selfish people? Emily I feel the same way you do. I would not want to subject anyone else to that.
|
|
Deleted
Deleted Member
Posts: 0
Deleted
inherit
guest@proboards.com
3
0
May 19, 2024 0:28:51 GMT 8
Deleted
0
May 19, 2024 0:28:51 GMT 8
January 1970
Deleted
|
Post by Deleted on Jan 24, 2015 7:11:07 GMT 8
I'm not advocating suicide ever but i do agree with what I highlighted mostly because suicide is always committed by selfish people, like the woman here recently who jumped off the overpass into rush hour traffic and was creamed by half a dozen cars and trucks stopping traffic for hours and inconveniencing thousands of people most of whom remembered her as a selfish bitch. I think anyone driven to kill themselves should go to the ocean or a large lake and when no-one is around go for a long swim straight out. Shan, you really believe that suicide is always committed by selfish people? Emily I feel the same way you do. I would not want to subject anyone else to that. Generally those who commit suicide do it at the expense of other people. Those people who shoot a dozen people and kill themselves are a prime example, a lesser example is someone who has friends, family or just associates who will be crushed by it and feel a great sense of personal loss as a result. Guess one has to consider what the word selfish actually means and then selfish is an appropriate word to use. I'm not being critical, I'm just saying it like it really is.
|
|
Metamorph
Full Member
What does this status thing do?
Posts: 245
Gender: FTM Non-Binary
Pronouns: He/His/Him
inherit
14
0
Apr 23, 2015 9:35:51 GMT 8
187
Metamorph
What does this status thing do?
245
Nov 19, 2014 11:06:13 GMT 8
November 2014
metamorph
FTM Non-Binary
He/His/Him
|
Post by Metamorph on Jan 24, 2015 10:08:19 GMT 8
Well, yes, perhaps defining what how each of us define selfish. If you define any act that causes others great pain selfish, then yes suicide selfish. By that definition, my family is correct about me and I am selfish. They say I am selfish because I have ended contact with them. I'm sure they'd say "crushed" would be an accurate word how to describe how they feel about it.
This conversation made me curious so I looked up the definition "concerned excessively or exclusively with oneself : seeking or concentrating on one's own advantage, pleasure, or well-being without regard for others." That's the context I was thinking in. You bring up the person who shoots themselves and others, but that's so rare in the vast numbers of suicide. There are so many different reasons and causes of suicide.
There are many who aren't thinking about exclusively about themselves. Mental illness twists things horribly. Edge gave one example. He believed others would be better off without him. I know people who have attempted believing that. The lies of depression had eaten away at their other beliefs. I gave another example in my other post. The person who spends years with unrelenting emotional pain because they don't want to cause harm to others and finally can't do it anymore. I could well be dead now. Yes, a big part of me being alive is because of how hard I fought, but another part is luck. I did stupid shit and survived. And probably, if I didn't have the therapist I have now I would be dead by now. Because eventually my luck would have run out.
TRIGGER
I don't know if I can put it words what it is to live day after day for others. To have voices tearing you apart telling you that you are worthless. That you are a loser. That you deserve to be dead. That you are lazy. When the only thing that will calm those voices down is cutting and burning and other forms of self-destruction so it feels completely hopeless. As much as you are fighting to be alive, you are destroying yourself so why keep fighting? It's inevitable you will die and at least if you kill yourself you can control how it happens and lesson the impact on others. Or to wake and the only voice in your head is saying over and over "I want to dead". And that voice that lives inside your head is a voice that you don't completely control. That voice in your head is the one that takes more and more benedryl or a bunch of advil hoping for a mistake and you can't stop the voice, you can only try to do damage control. And the whole time, you don't want to cause others harm. You try to hold it together enough so when you do act, no one will have to find your dead body because other people matter but your life is meaningless. When the meds make you worse and the shrink doesn't help and you lose all hope you will get better. When you are starving yourself and afraid one day you will pass out driving so committing suicide is the better alternative because it means that you won't injure anyone else in a car accident. Or I could strip it away to another level and talk about the fact that you believe your body belongs to others and you will always be someone to be used and abused and the only escape is death. I suppose that's at the core of a lot of the other stuff I just talked about. That was my life day in day out for years. Every single day. No breaks from it. I'm going to do something, I haven't done before because I've done a lot of healing. I'm going to say that if one of those times I'd been doing self-destructive shit had resulted in my death, I wasn't selfish. Not by the Websters definition.
Sorry if I've taken over this thread. It has actually been a good reminder for me of how blessed I am. I'm alive. I don't live in that hell anymore. And I think it's good others understand what it's like. Understanding gives more opportunities for healing and help. At least I hope that's true.
|
|
inherit
32
0
Jun 24, 2015 3:12:57 GMT 8
419
Edge
517
Nov 26, 2014 22:03:42 GMT 8
November 2014
edge
FTM Non-Binary
Genderfluid
He/His/Him
|
Post by Edge on Jan 24, 2015 11:10:37 GMT 8
To paraphrase Bender from The Breakfast Club, I think your family and my family should get together and go bowling. My family is also "crushed" that a cut off contact. Or, in my mom's words, she "loves" and "respects" me, but doesn't support "bad" decisions that "hurt" me. You know, like acknowledging that I was abused and that I don't deserve to be. "Bad" decisions like that. She calls it my "perception" and tries to convince me that reality isn't real. The medications also made me worse. People never talk about that either. There's this assumption that if you don't like the drugs, you must be a crazy conspiracy theorist. I'm not, but those drugs made me extremely suicidal and my psychiatrist wouldn't let me get off them no matter how much I told him they were killing me.
|
|
inherit
60
0
1
May 18, 2024 9:37:08 GMT 8
4,666
Ativan Prescribed
8,479
Jan 9, 2015 10:22:46 GMT 8
January 2015
ativanprescribed
|
Post by Ativan Prescribed on Jan 24, 2015 11:25:13 GMT 8
There were several times that I set myself up, hoping something would stop the process and I would be safe. That was the problem then, I didn't feel safe. Not safe in my surroundings, not safe from what might be in my future, not safe from what was in my past. I wasn't safe in my sleep, nightmares too horrible to think about. I let others become involved, only in the hope that at least one of them cared enough to help. They were all strangers. Not anyone I knew. I did try to connect with some that I knew. But that didn't work out and the guilt in talking on the phone about what was leading up to it kept me from actually saying it and they didn't want to help with what I did talk about. Not a single person I knew cared enough to even try to figure out where I had gone, but disappearing was kinda common and expected out of me. But even after I called from the psyche unit, nothing. No offer to try and help, some even told me to call when I was done with it, they simply didn't want to deal with a suicidal person. That was how the two times that I just about made it, came about. I called and even hitchhiked to see people and ask them if they could please help me, that I wanted nothing but to kill myself. Nothing, go away. Not a single person, and I tried as many as I could get ahold of, cared. Didn't even pretend to care. My own family shut me out. It's a big family. My daughters were to young and their mother shut me out, in fact she was the one who initiated them both times. I couldn't see my daughters let alone be with them. So selfish really didn't enter to the whole idea of it. Sure somebody who got paid to take care of such things would take care of the body. I lay there bleeding out and people walked by and commented on the blood and kept on walking, it wasn't selfish to them... Both those times, I tried to get someone on the phone I knew afterwards and it was like I didn't exist then either. I don't think it was very selfish of me, not a single person cared, except someone called on a phone and I was found the one time, probably the only person who did see me, but they just called and then left as far as I know, I asked. Not a single person I knew, that I talked to, even begged, would help me. Hung up on, a good luck and maybe talk to you later from a couple... Was I selfish? There was the military medic who saw me and did what he was trained to do, but if I had died right there, I don't think it would have mattered all that much. A little selfish maybe. I could see more pain in his eyes than I felt in mine, I don't think it would have been all that much more, but maybe a little. I think he felt good about it, but if he hadn't have been walking there, would it have mattered? Is it selfish because he decided to walk that way?
But I get that kind of logic and thinking and I do know that if there is another time, my body will never be found and nobody will even look. It won't be selfish at all. I will simply be gone. I will have cut off communications to everyone until they don't care anymore, and that would be pretty easy, it only takes a few months at the most, people might wonder, but is that selfish? That somebody might wonder? Ah, been there a couple times, the only people who cared later were the ones who never even knew, new friends, new job. I don't talk to or care about my family, they don't care about me. Even my daughters really don't care, the youngest did for awhile, but they really don't care and I don't blame them, I have been out of their lives for most of it. So there really isn't anyone who would truly care, I know the talk, and I know how long it lasts, how much it is good for, and it really isn't for very long, I've been there before.
It was the uncaring of virtually everyone, all of society, I had no more options and I was cold and hurting deeply, and nobody gave a shit one way or another. Was that selfish of me? There was nothing selfish about it, if anything, the cost to keep me alive was selfish, but to everyone who worked on me, it was what they did, it didn't matter that it was me. It's just something they did and know that they aren't always going to win, and that's just it, to them it's a win. It doesn't matter if they lose, there's gonna be another one along in the next 24 hrs anyways. They keep score on the wins, the loss's,.. they move on. So is that selfish?
It's selfish to ask someone to just disappear if they are going to do it so it doesn't have to be dealt with, that seems selfish to me, but then I've actually tested this all out in a way, and I know pretty much how little people really care sometimes. But to make a request that you should swim away seems a little selfish around the edges. That's the kind of reactions I got from friends and family, just go away and I don't want to know. Was that selfish of me? I did after all interrupted their life for a few minutes. I suppose I shouldn't have asked or tried to get help and should have just looked out over the water and told myself to swim, because that's not selfish at all, not on anyone's part. Shh,.. it's a secret and if I hear about it, I'm obligated to think that person is selfish, because it became a part of a life that I didn't care about an hour ago. That's why I almost got away with it a couple times. That's why some do get away with it. Because nobody cared enough to do a damn thing and yah, just know they sure as hell don't want to hear about it afterwards, they have to think about it and that's just so God Damn Selfish of me. Just say'n it like it really is... I can't swim all that good, and would probably bloat and float right back up on the selfish beach. Is it too selfish to take a row boat instead? Suicide is inconvenient, and I suppose it could be seen as selfish, but to let someone, to not care enough in the first place because it's to inconvenient and selfish to even be asking for help to just stop it in the first place, I suppose no matter how a person wants to look at it, they will decide for you afterwards just how inconveniently selfish it is.
|
|