Sarah
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Clockwork Princess
Posts: 36
Gender: Person
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Sarah
Clockwork Princess
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sadie
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Post by Sarah on Dec 4, 2014 18:57:57 GMT 8
I feel like I've done this so many times now, I'm running out of clever new ways of describing myself. But here goes:
People have all kinds of awesome ways of talking about and describing their identities, their genders, their ways of being in this thread... and it's like I can see that, I can understand that, all the fancy, pretty colours, but I can't feel it. Gender just isn't a thing that is a part of me, and that sometimes makes me feel kind of screwed up and insecure in a society that perpetually genders everything all the time forever and ever.
For a long time I didn't really understand any of it. I came to this point through the full, standard, traditional transition for a MAAB creature who doesn't want to be that--hormones, laser, electrolysis, tracheal shave, forehead contouring, nose job, vaginoplasty... I'm a pretty heavily modified person, and happy with those changes. I like the form I have now.
But I've never really had a concept of gender the way other folks describe it. I am just... flesh, my body, my physical presence. Woman is the label that is attached to me by my society, it means nothing to me beyond that. Just like "boy" didn't do it for me before that.
Flitting around, reading, talking, learning... it's helped me get a better handle on how I am. Why I present kind of... defensively androgynous the way I do, why "ma'am" makes me wince as much as "sir" ever did.
So... I'm 30 and I'm a person. You can call me Sarah.
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Ayla
m2me
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November 2014
aisla
Female
Female
She/Her
Pansexual
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Post by Ayla on Dec 4, 2014 19:34:20 GMT 8
Welcome Sarah
Sarah is a good gender, it fits you. I like m2me. My journey is to find, accept and to authentically express myself. Cant really see anything as gendered other than genitals, even then they may be inconsistent with the person within.
Safe travels
Aisla
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aisla
Female
Female
She/Her
Pansexual
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Post by Ayla on Dec 4, 2014 19:51:09 GMT 8
Jamie I have had a similar journey. Do you feel drawn and attracted to increasing your hrt? I see it as firstly and most importantly an effective means of addressing dysphoria but then there is always the pull, the quiet insistence, the seduction if you like of increasing euphoria from a progressive increase in hrt. I am caught in two minds. Do I resist or do I go with the flow? This question continues to confound me. Any thoughts? Safe travels Aisla One from me dear. Seduction would be the right word.... you might not get that increase in euphoria. I get a momentary one, but truth told, I had that in the lower doses too. My end game is total body transformation. Is that your end game my dear? Or your comfort? As I understand it you are truly androgyne. My suspicion is you are right where you should be, in this moment, in this place, with your meds, your family. Walking the path of transition. The past speaks to me, you have walked down my path, you know where it leads, you took a fork on the path to the side of the mountain, and the view from where you are is heaven on earth. Thoughts based on what I know of you. SJ I always look forward to your posts. You may be right. Perhaps I am in love with the journey. Always looking for a new fork in the road, peering around a bend , over a hill and then choosing another direction. Perhaps by nature I am a searcher and always looking for more. Is this a bad thing? Or is it playing with fire? Safe travels Aisla
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Sarah
New Member
Clockwork Princess
Posts: 36
Gender: Person
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May 18, 2015 0:07:04 GMT 8
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Sarah
Clockwork Princess
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Dec 4, 2014 17:21:18 GMT 8
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sadie
Person
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Post by Sarah on Dec 4, 2014 19:56:29 GMT 8
Thanks, Aisla! When I first started seeing an LGBT therapist (who knew surprisingly little about the trans community), I identified as bi-gender and bisexual. But as I learned more about the array of complexity in the non-binary arena, my perspective shifted and I began to suspect that I was situationally genderfluid. I recognize that my gender does not fit in the tradition binary model - after many discussions with folks like Ativan (who I called my "guru") :-) I had been on prescription HRT, but had to discontinue it due to medical issues. I am on low-dose now (very conservative doctors), more for my emotional well-being than for the purpose of transition. No way... Jamie?? Missed you. Are you here for real??
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Kelly
If I'm not here, I'm painting acorns..
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kelly
Non-Binary
Feminine
She/Her
Queer
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Post by Kelly on Dec 4, 2014 19:59:32 GMT 8
I know I've seen that tattoo somewhere before..
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Post by Deleted on Dec 4, 2014 20:02:42 GMT 8
One from me dear. Seduction would be the right word.... you might not get that increase in euphoria. I get a momentary one, but truth told, I had that in the lower doses too. My end game is total body transformation. Is that your end game my dear? Or your comfort? As I understand it you are truly androgyne. My suspicion is you are right where you should be, in this moment, in this place, with your meds, your family. Walking the path of transition. The past speaks to me, you have walked down my path, you know where it leads, you took a fork on the path to the side of the mountain, and the view from where you are is heaven on earth. Thoughts based on what I know of you. SJ I always look forward to your posts. You may be right. Perhaps I am in love with the journey. Always looking for a new fork in the road, peering around a bend , over a hill and then choosing another direction. Perhaps by nature I am a searcher and always looking for more. Is this a bad thing? Or is it playing with fire? Safe travels Aisla It is a good thing dear, I think. And sure i think its playing with fire. Isn't being trans and on hormones playing with fire? Lighting a fire? Danger on the path, new frontiers, bravery, all those things.... Trans is very big stuff. We talk about it in an offhanded way, we are so used to each other now, we lean on each other and recharge. But the very idea of fundamentally transitioning our bodies is a bit unbelievable, and we are driven to it. There is a difference between exploring, and being driven. You are driven to search, for knowledge, truth, a way to give back to this world, it is who you are, I know this, and you are very sensitive. Gentle, and sensitive, it shows in your posts. But I do not see high hormone levels as being a good thing for you. We can walk the paths of peril, but we must remember the journeys that put us there, an see if there is a better way, there may be another path right beside it with the same view, one where those you love can follow you hand in hand, while the other path my be two steep for them to take. Blessings my very dear wood elf. One who pulled me off the perilous path, into the path of not safe, but freed.
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Post by Deleted on Dec 4, 2014 20:31:03 GMT 8
SJ I always look forward to your posts. You may be right. Perhaps I am in love with the journey. Always looking for a new fork in the road, peering around a bend , over a hill and then choosing another direction. Perhaps by nature I am a searcher and always looking for more. Is this a bad thing? Or is it playing with fire? Safe travels Aisla It is a good thing dear, I think. And sure i think its playing with fire. Isn't being trans and on hormones playing with fire? Lighting a fire? Danger on the path, new frontiers, bravery, all those things.... Trans is very big stuff. We talk about it in an offhanded way, we are so used to each other now, we lean on each other and recharge. But the very idea of fundamentally transitioning our bodies is a bit unbelievable, and we are driven to it. There is a difference between exploring, and being driven. You are driven to search, for knowledge, truth, a way to give back to this world, it is who you are, I know this, and you are very sensitive. Gentle, and sensitive, it shows in your posts. But I do not see high hormone levels as being a good thing for you. We can walk the paths of peril, but we must remember the journeys that put us there, an see if there is a better way, there may be another path right beside it with the same view, one where those you love can follow you hand in hand, while the other path my be two steep for them to take. Blessings my very dear wood elf. One who pulled me off the perilous path, into the path of not safe, but freed. One more thing my dear and then I have to run to work. Your questioning, or vacillating, on your levels is something you need to keep beween us. What I sense is that your wife needs to feel stability, mine does, she needs to feel safe, know the vision, the outcome. I know its hard there, and deeply personal. But with the feeling out of the options, its best done in therapy, with us, and with no self deception, total clarity of who you are at core. This to me is paramount, life saving. If a decision is made, you run with it, she threw that door open, it is a test, what will you do with that test? Dysphoria found a way to speak, it heard make a decision, it heard a bet made on transition, a line in the sand, a decision point. It can trap you, this dysphoria, this line in the sand. It is best countered by grounding, what is your truth, what do you want, if you are honest in the core, what do you want? I have to do this, strip to the core, feel it all. So that the desires of others are quiet and i can find my core gender and act on that, not on fear, not on lust, not on other emotions or emotional manipulations by my own rationalization or others, but all on truth. The truth of me. The dance in my core. He will not go away, she wont either, I play a beutiful tune, light candle and incense, and let them embrace and dance in my soul. It is the truth of how I was made. Other things distort the image of the mirror of truth, but in the end, the image is there, it cannot be escaped, not the body image, but the image of your diamond soul of trans. Blessings my dear, I care deeply, you know that.
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JDLR
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Posts: 38
Gender: Androgyne
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Post by JDLR on Dec 5, 2014 1:51:30 GMT 8
Thanks, Aisla! When I first started seeing an LGBT therapist (who knew surprisingly little about the trans community), I identified as bi-gender and bisexual. But as I learned more about the array of complexity in the non-binary arena, my perspective shifted and I began to suspect that I was situationally genderfluid. I recognize that my gender does not fit in the tradition binary model - after many discussions with folks like Ativan (who I called my "guru") :-) I had been on prescription HRT, but had to discontinue it due to medical issues. I am on low-dose now (very conservative doctors), more for my emotional well-being than for the purpose of transition. No way... Jamie?? Missed you. Are you here for real?? I cried when I just saw your posts. You still have a special place in my heart - a "big sister" in spirit and life experience. I'm here, just gunshy from the past experience. But the warm and happy feeling is helping me reintegrate. Thank you Sarah. <3
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Sarah
New Member
Clockwork Princess
Posts: 36
Gender: Person
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May 18, 2015 0:07:04 GMT 8
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Sarah
Clockwork Princess
36
Dec 4, 2014 17:21:18 GMT 8
December 2014
sadie
Person
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Post by Sarah on Dec 5, 2014 2:53:18 GMT 8
Thanks, Aisla! No way... Jamie?? Missed you. Are you here for real?? I cried when I just saw your posts. You still have a special place in my heart - a "big sister" in spirit and life experience. I'm here, just gunshy from the past experience. But the warm and happy feeling is helping me reintegrate. Thank you Sarah. <3 Omg yay! Hawaiian shirts are still atrocities against fashion. This is very important. Also also, my SO is here somewhere. She says hello too. And you are still one of the best people I've met and you should have all the warm and happy feelings. This is also very important.
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JDLR
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Gender: Androgyne
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Post by JDLR on Dec 6, 2014 7:11:53 GMT 8
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TDude
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Posts: 22
Gender: FTM Non-Binary
Pronouns: He/His/Him
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Post by TDude on Dec 8, 2014 2:23:26 GMT 8
I took my time to read all the diffrent post through so I could gain some inspiration.
what kind of non-binary I am seams very difficult to answer, being honest im not always sure non-binary is the word. I tend to feel binary yet not binary enough, non-binary yet not non-binary enough. For the post who been on Edge and Kelly are those which seams to identify most simular to how I feel.
when I was younger and started on transition there were no such thing as non-binary. I felt clearly to be male and do the typical transition, however after I transition I did not only get to experience the life on both sides, from female and male but also the expectations. I still enjoy alot of things considered femenine or female, I also still got a rather androgynous look. I knew alot of transmen would give up on there femenine traits in order to pass and fit into the male role of sociaty. I have tried some of the same and still whenever I like it or not got expectations from sociaty on how I should be as a man. I never felt female, and the gender expectations sucks, but the Expectations I got from being male feels as Bad for me.
I often feel much better in a gender flexible comunity where I can express my look without shame or misgendering, express my view of the existence of non-binary without being viewed as an extremist, and general the freedom to feel as worthy as anyone ells. I feel the gender expectations are stupid and fake, I also feel satified in my androgyne body and think there should be no force of me to have bottom surgery if I dont want just for sociaty to view me as "man enough" I dont say I got body dyshoria, I say I got dyshoria of the sociatys view on our genetalias.
I guess some would say this is not non-binary its just acknowleging it and to have a androgynous fashion and expression sense. But For me there is no clear definiton of binary and non binary and it all depends on the sociaty. There are places where I feel the way I live would be decribed as binary and other places where I am the non-binary. Speaking of myself only and not sociaty I just want to be seen as a unlimited guy in a unlimited world, more like an varientation of the diffrent type of men which happent to have a androgyne look and a experience of what female life are like, but todays sociaty dont leave a creative space for people which can paint alittle brigter than just black and white.
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Post by Deleted on Dec 8, 2014 3:00:30 GMT 8
It probably seems that way more in your country than it is here, in so much as I hate political correctness speech and thinking here, it has forced the bigots to relax some of their opinions which in turn has created a more accepting atmosphere for GLBTIQ folks from what it was even ten years ago.
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JDLR
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Gender: Androgyne
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Post by JDLR on Dec 8, 2014 12:06:36 GMT 8
Hi, TDude :-) There is no "rule book" for our gender expression, or labels, or how we feel about ourselves from minute to minute.
I just strive to be happy with who I am, and not let the world shove me into one pigeonhole or another. I think you are fine just the way you are.
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jasonmitchellemail@gmail.com
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Avatar by @hitsukuya
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Post by EchelonHunt on Dec 8, 2014 20:59:37 GMT 8
In Page 1, I described what kind of non-binary I am...
Now, I do not know anymore what kind I am. Multiple types, maybe? Ever fluctuating, never the same as before.
All I know is that I am unable to connect with female or male as a gender identity. As to what non-binary I am...? Everything and nothing seems like a sufficient enough answer.
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Post by Deleted on Dec 8, 2014 22:18:56 GMT 8
In Page 1, I described what kind of non-binary I am...
Now, I do not know anymore what kind I am. Multiple types, maybe? Ever fluctuating, never the same as before.
All I know is that I am unable to connect with female or male as a gender identity. As to what non-binary I am...? Everything and nothing seems like a sufficient enough answer. You are a Jayce, that is your gender. Feel, breathe, be. It is enough for now, enjoy its flow.
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