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Post by Trinity on Jan 31, 2022 23:59:43 GMT 8
Strange place to be and I never expected to be in it.
The reasons why are mostly associated to the core, which is nonbinary leaning towards what is generally considered male, although I don't fit the binary stereotypes and I think it would be a lie to state that it is otherwise, it is just different from others that I know, but not very different for nonbinary people I know.
Its a lot to do with the wife, family, ease of living although I like being out and about Trinity, a lot actually.
What I am coming up against is familiar self hate, and this is something that I think comes from the social matrix, from severe past abuse and trauma that took place in the teens, and I have to consciously shed that self hate as something forced on me by others.
One of the things that nags at me is the question, was it the self hate that pushed me into the transition into Trinity? I have generally been happier as Trinity than as Perry, and there is a lot of anger and hate that is directed at Perry, though that is most likely very unfair to me. Anger from inside me at me, rage.
This is going to be a twisted, deep, truth telling rabbit hole, I wasn't going to do much with it or say things about it, but as usual, if I don't get it off my chest it will turn on me, so I'm doing that.
Might as well do it here, anything that helps others learn about us and what we live with is a good thing.
Today I feel uncomfortable, 3rd day in this detransitioned kind of male state, I don't think it will last but I hope it does for the sake of my marriage, I really don't want to spend the rest of my life alone. Not her fault either, straight woman so what do you expect, she has needs, I have needs, we love each other, there has to be compromises to make it work, but I am dead against lies or not living truth.
That's been the struggle from the beginning with me.
I know full well what I am dealing with is DES trans experience. And there's practically nothing out there about what that really is or what it really did.
Backing off on hormones isn't working so well, its not bad emotionally, but just cutting progesterone is giving me a headache and sick feeling.
So for now, maybe for a long time, those stay.
I am not going back to a male persona either, I don't want to trigger the dysphoria which can be crippling, I just want to take it easy and see how it feels to be doing what I am doing.
It's not feeling forced either.
I seriously can't see going binary he. I have a revulsion to that.
Forums practically dead anyways so even though this thread is centered around my own needs, I figure its ok.
I sure liked the attention and self esteem I get from being Trinity and leaving Perry behind.
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Post by Leena on Feb 1, 2022 1:20:07 GMT 8
I think part of why there isn't much about DES is that the ages that happened coincide with the old school binary trans narrative and while that doesn't work for a lot of people, it did work for some people. That narrative, particularly the RLE part, scared me further into the closet.
Now that RLE is not a requirement in a lot of places, a lot of binary trans people keep presenting as their AGAB until if and when HRT makes them 100% passing. If I was starting my transition now, it's probably what I would be doing, rather than baby stepping my way towards being able to feel comfortable presenting feminine in public pre-HRT like I did. A lot of that narrative is still in my head, and I wonder if it is in yours, even if much of it no longer even applies in this country.
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Post by Trinity on Feb 1, 2022 6:23:51 GMT 8
There's such a reaction in my head against the male binary, its very hard to sift out what is fury at the boys that hurt me, and at the inability to live up to expectations or to even walk right as I grew up.
It's not positive energy, its negative energy, a ton of it, and then the bottled up repression exploded around 18 which is also right around the time I became a seriously endangered cross addicted alcoholic.
I have clarity over the body wiring, that's trans and I can't even imagine that part changing. And as far as the binary is concerned, no, its trans she, androgyne, whatever. It's not like the truth of who I am changed. It's what I am doing with that truth. Ya know, I know its actually a bannable thing to say on most forums because the word is associated with porn, but the shemale thing fits me way too well, as a receiver never a top, at least not with men.
With women, its a different thing, and there's a lot of mental dissasociation with the sex organs with that.
I don't see how that would ever change. I do remember in the early days being able to be a top and not be having to think my way around it, but that changed pretty fast. And my brain always has inverted what I see.
But there's something that bothers me when I am full out sh'e, its not an act, its another reality and its real.
We talked about not wanting to trade one part of the matrix rules for another, binary male for binary female, and I'm in that boat there, I want to be comfortable and wear what I like, I'm not a girly girl, not into pink dresses much, earth colors and comfortable, but also lace and nylon and stuff.
Its only a few days just trying to do this, just being. And its tiring, I feel like I can't let my hair down and need to. LOL its gone though....
I never was into purses, lipstick, that sort of thing. Feather ear rings sure, not into hoops....
I just feel like I was born different and that I was forced to be something I wasn't, and it screwed my head up big time, for life.
But here's a big thing, I don't want to be controlled by my body, my flesh, by sex. I want to be controlled more by spirit, by love, by strength, by the things that matter. I don't want to be so selfish that I deprive my life love who married me of her husband, or my kids of their father, or grandson of his grandpa. I want them to see me as I really am, and to shake off the shaming that was dabbed onto me by rigidity and bigotry just because my motor nerves were developed in the second trimester with a massive amount of synthetic estrogen driving that, the brain formation, bones and everything else.
Its a no brainer that I would be born nonbinary. Its a lie and despotic to force someone born this way to be other than who they are.
The thing is, and Ativan and I always talk about this, knowing who you are, and being, doesn't mean I have to conform to the matrix, the world, the social construct, its voluntary if I want to be in or out of the matrix, that's using presentation as I wish, not letting presentation dominate who I am, but using it.
But that said, there is stress involved with maintaining it because I am making choices, and one of the ways I releive pressure mentally, is getting out there presenting as sh'e.
My brain hurts. This whole thing could turn on me, or it could be fine, who knows.
We've had many people on this forum before that chose not to transition and toughed it out to keep the family. But there always has been some give and take in that I think.
I have to get back to work, stress levels are sky high, but they were cracking up high earlier today, its a little better right now, just a little, and thats work and life stuff.
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Post by Ativan Prescribed on Feb 1, 2022 10:40:49 GMT 8
I never thought of hate being directed at me, sure some teasing growing up and that might have triggered my more dangerous activities in life, very few of my friends would follow or dare to do most of the crazy shit I did at times. There was always a level of respect, if I wasn't getting it I did something about it, it meant more to me than just being accepted, it meant I could hold my head up and not have to worry about others being assholes. And thats the only way I perceive anyone who thinks they are somehow better or that some are somehow not worthy, virtually everyone has a purpose, they just have to find it and its a constant revolving thing for most people. I think of those assholes in life and not tougher smarter or anything better than anyone else, they are the scared little puppies who whine and bark if master is not giving them attention, same as real puppies, except they are assholes because they are trying to impress something, and they fail every time. It was like running the gauntlet to get that job in central america, run of the mill guys pretending to be somebody and just trying to hack away at me for things they perceived as feminine, took a couple of those people down and even when I did get the job I had to take a couple more down until there was the respect I got, which was non more and no less than I gave others as well, nothing like I craved it more, more like I just got it without demanding it, although a couple times it was pretty demanding on those who refused to give me any, in the end they became good friends I could depend on. I actually gained and got a lot more respect by sticking up for others, if you are down I will help you up, if you are bleeding I will stop the bleeding, if you are hungry I will give you my food, whatever it takes to bring people up off their knees because society is chewing them up and spitting on them. Bad times down there not too long after I got there, major earthquake that killed tens of thousands and forced way more into a kind of poverty that they had never been in and didn't know what to do, it was like a few hundred thousand people in a constant state of shock, nobody saw this coming, most didn't know it could happen to them as fast as it did, hunger and disease was killing more people than the quake itself did, so I started to do what I could, enlisted others I worked with and pretty soon we had several squads worth of people stealing the things people needed from the takers and distributing them to the people who needed help, it was a pretty straight forward kind of thing, you had extra that you took, we took it away from you and gave it to the people who needed it, needed it to just survive. This is the true measure of a person respect they get, just helping out the people who need it, in this country there is an over abundance of assholes intent on just taking away because they can, the worst kind of assholes, down there I shot and maimed or killed several of those kinds in getting supplies to people in need, it was a justifiable thing in my mind and still is, if your being an asshole is taking away anything from others, expect the worst, maybe not from me but it will come around sooner or later, think covid and republicans, it don't even wish them well, you reap what you sow. Maybe its the lack of personal hate towards me personally that lets me get through life, and yet I know there are people out there who indeed hate me, but they haven't got all the facts and don't believe anything other than what they have made their minds up about. Fuck those people, don't give them the satisfaction of getting away with just being assholes, just keep giving them more and more rope to hang themselves with because they will, they always have to be worse and worse assholes in order to make it work for them, otherwise they just reach that level of assholeness and find themselves all alone in the world, which so many of them have and now they are whiny snowflake republicans threatening war on liberals because they can't see past their own can't keep up with the world views, the entire reason why they keep trying to shit down everything is in the hopes that the past will somehow save them from having to get up off the couch and brush those stale potato chips crumbs off them and go do something besides being hateful fucking assholes. They fail to see that they are their own worst enemies, that they have screwed things up so bad that everyone else has to work twice as hard to fix what they broke, look at Putin, another prime example of what a true asshole is, invading another country is a dictators asholeness on ten. And the assholes in this country want to elect trump again, Putin's lap puppy, because for some reason they think that just being an even bigger asshole is somehow going to make things work for them, it never ever does, think about that fuck from Libya who lost it all and even had his own gold plated pistol shoved up his ass while whining and them laughing at him because he was finally getting what he deserved, its coming down to it and the assholes in this country are figuratively going to have their gold plated pistols shoved up their ass, because you live by it you die by it. they are losing and they know it, so they are becoming more threatening everyday, but they simply don't have what it takes to take over this country and make it some grose fucking asshole haven for themselves, just ain't going to happen, they want asshole wars, they underestimate just how bad its going to be on them, when they scream no mercy, they aren't going to get any in return, not from me anyways.
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Post by Trinity on Feb 1, 2022 10:58:47 GMT 8
I reacted when I was young, got tougher, became the wrestler, singing was there, became the musician, reeds back then.
Worse when I was out of school, wild thing.
The stuff said at me stopped early, made my way, funniest moment was when a guy on the buffing wheels decided to play a joke on me, we had fans that were loaded with dust from the buffing wheels in the factory, I got my quota out, 50 stainless steel blades a day and my arms looked really great, high definition, but I had that thing I couldn't shake going with the way I move.
So this guy gets the idea that he would hit the fan and let it unload all that dust on me.
He hits it with a stick, and the darned thing spun around and dumped all that dust right on him. He was covered in it, grey from head to toe, we all laughed so hard it hurt.
Then one of the bigger guys said about me when I was getting shit that I got 50 blades out a day and if I did that he didn't care if I came in wearing a leather tou tou, and did that other guy get that many done? Because hand buffing stainless steel is a bitch. And if you let one get out of your glove, at 5000 rpms that thing would shoot out and hit you right in the balls, or hold on too long and you could get pulled in, though that didn't hardly ever happen.
I would sleep on the floor during break because I was doing theater at night, that year it was Pippin, fun show to do.
In the end, you pull your load and don't take shit from people, they do respect you or get out of the way, it was like that where I was, it was like that when I came out as trans.
Tonight was odd, I did my meeting, full out, but I feel that ending, the shift is real to a more nb or something kind of place, I dunno, maybe I stopped having to prove anything or flaunt it, its like this, my physical gender is my business and not anyone else, I don't have to show it, it's what is underneath and only the most intimate will ever see it.
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Post by Ativan Prescribed on Feb 1, 2022 11:14:28 GMT 8
Thats it totally, its your business and you don't need to do anything about it, ever. There is no proving it, only the weak in the binary world strive to prove it and they generally come off as fake wannabes, do the fashion things that prove they are that binary person, if you are why do you have to prove it? Because everyone knows deep down that gender is a societal construct and its getting old and confining them to stereo types of their own making, the overly feminine woman with just too much of it dripping out of the pores, and the wannabe male who wants to make sure everyone knows they are, people just don't give a shot unless they are playing that same game. This is how I see it anyways, I see people and when they are being a caricature of some person, you just know they are faking it in life, be yourself and don't let the few who are playing the gender game have anything to say about it, ignore them and they go away, every time. You want to be accepted, being real is accepted far more than anything else, because others see a more honest person, be all flashy and shit and people don't trust you, be unassuming and people trust you, play a part and people wonder if you are being real or not. Be a regular person who has things that are different and yet unassuming when they are, pretending to be a different person to gain some attention and people generally see right through that, at least the people who matter will, they are not playing the game, they are not role playing. Most everyone values honesty over everything else.
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Post by Trinity on Feb 1, 2022 11:59:32 GMT 8
self deception has always been the big problem for me. Self deception and reactive people pleasing based on fear of rejection, and what greater fear of rejection is there besides losing your family or wife, or losing your God because someone says God hates trans people?
The biggest problem with bullshit is that if people believe their own bullshit, they can plant that into you, so that you believe it even if you say you don't. And thats what happened to the country, people believing all kinds of crap and pushing it and then acting on it and what do you get?
Insurrection, lynching, beatings, all things evil.
It was drilled into me over and over and over again, childhood right up to me coming here, trans is bad, effeminacy is shameful, all of that. I overcame a bucket list of all of that crap, but do you really think it didn't leave a lasting impact on me?
I've spent ten years trying to unlearn that shit.
As to the presentations, for me, because I am non binary and don't push it, I do pull it all off because it really is real, just different facets I show off,
Another thing, in the long long haul, does our perception of our own gender change? I think mine has over the years, but if I had stayed in NY, done the trans maybe a star thing, lived sh'e IRL and immersed in it, would I have ever stopped it, or what I have lived she totally? I think I might have, and I think that because of the circumstances here in Florida, living as I have been, I moved farther and farther away from that.
Who is to say, what impact the environment has on us, the social conditioning, all of that?
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Post by Trinity on Feb 1, 2022 12:05:02 GMT 8
I look at that avatar pic of me and that's friggin real, that is who I really am, can I do the male thing I am doing now and make it stick, be that guy? Yeah sure I can, but happy?
Maybe, and maybe not. Time will tell, I feel the shift.
Actors immerse themselves in the character, the environment, what they wear, eat, live, love, and it becomes them. They have the core but they use parts of their humanity and a character is born based on their circumstances.
Its part of the art form, and I was a darned good actor. Most likely learned it to survive. So when I am in a presentation, it becomes a part of who I am and who I am becomes a part of it as well.
And the danger of acting is that you can lose the core in the character. That killed Heath Ledger. The Joker was a dangerous character to play, Nicholson actually warned him not to let him into his head.
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Post by Leena on Feb 1, 2022 23:12:56 GMT 8
Another thing, in the long long haul, does our perception of our own gender change? I think mine has over the years, but if I had stayed in NY, done the trans maybe a star thing, lived sh'e IRL and immersed in it, would I have ever stopped it, or what I have lived she totally? I think I might have, and I think that because of the circumstances here in Florida, living as I have been, I moved farther and farther away from that.
Who is to say, what impact the environment has on us, the social conditioning, all of that?
Mine went in circles for quite awhile, but once I started being read as a woman, it became clear that I wanted everyone to see me as a woman, not as nonbinary, and certainly not as a man.
While I was experimenting with my presentation though, I did have some looks from the men's department that didn't make me feel like the type of guy I really didn't want people to see me as. A lot of them weren't the type of thing a conservative cishet guy would wear. Maybe don't play the Joker, or some other type of guy that is going to make you unhappy.
Environment played a huge role, I do wonder how I would have turned out had I not spent much of my youth in the Southeast. There was no way I was going to transition there in the 90s, but had I lived here or some other big city then, maybe?
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Post by Trinity on Feb 2, 2022 0:35:14 GMT 8
There's definitely a major shift that has taken place, a peice of me or maybe even a big core part of me has come back. And its unexpected, but I do know its been creeping up over the past few years.
I keep remembering a person I know who went full binary trans, operations and all of it, and then wanted to detransition but had gone so far they could not go back. They weren't happy about that.
This morning its even farther to the old me, I am keeping my head out of this and just feeling the feelings, exploring how I feel and where its going.
It's like the core itself has this costume, the first level of it is the body, the second is what I put on that body.
I know I am not going to even think about the cishet matrix thing. But the style I have that is already a part of the sh'e look is still very much me, its not something that the matrix would approve of, and I don't care. The show would approve of it though.
I have a lot of questions right now, things I never allowed myself to look at, due to fear or due to other feelings. This is why imo its so important to deal with all of those things first, or as soon as you can, because until the hurt and wounds and even addictions and stuff are separated from all of it, there is no clarity, for me, because everything becomes reactive, instead of based on truth and core.
I'm getting past the rage of what happened to me, victim mentality crap, and getting now to the what am I going to do with this now part, forget what other people think, what do I think?
I had my meerschaum pipe out today, maybe I'll get some tobacco and smoke it, been a long time, the nicotine addiction might suck though, I used to chain smoke cigarettes and I don't want to go back to that. But I sure love a good pipe sitting by the fire smoking and thinking.
These are things I lost because I hated the he in me, I need to forgive myself for what happened to us, and seriously, none of it was my fault, it was very bad people and a lot of them that screwed my family up, the stalkings, the kkk, so the kids go out and get badass men to protect them and it turned out all wrong.
I have a lot of quiet work to do. Might post again in the forest thread, it allows me to see things I need to see.
I still feel like I am waking up going what the heck... and like it just got so bad that my brain cracked and the ultimate escape from some of that was being Trinity, including giving me some other horrific problem to handle to take my mind off the other pain I had, and the danged depression that haunts me, low level or not, it still isn't fun to have it.
I desperately needed self esteem, I got a lot from being Trinity instead of that kind of effeminate but not guy that couldn't protect his family well enough to keep them safe, the bad guys won in a lot of ways, sure we survived and I get credit for that part. But being Trinity and turning into a diamond heart warrior of trans gave me something to fight for and win, something good, lives to save because trans is like that, these difference making things were hugely important and I wasn't getting there as a man, with all being a man's warped ideas are.
Having a matrix docrinal thing drilled into me as to what is a man and you have to be a man and all that stuff really screwed me up as well, and its false for me, does not reflect my truth, what a man is seemed to be someone that harmed the weak, and its the opposite, its someone that protects the weak and kicks the ass of those who want to hurt or exploit them, and thats not being a man, thats being a person.
Our culture is so f'd up its rediculous. And me being someone other than who God made me as is wicked, I'm not taling about Trinity, that is an aspect of who I am, I am talking about the despotic repression of being human and kind and loving and liking soft things and stuff.
In this detransition, my goal is not to be like the assholes that made the decisions of what men are supposed to be. It is to be the person God made me as, strip away the illusions, live the core outwardly and inwardly with the guts to do it. And I am pretty sure that core is not really of this world, its something much more interesting.
I don't want to overthink it. I just want to be me, and nobody gets to tell me who me is but God, my core, and the truth. We help each other find our truth, who we really are, who God created as for His pleasure because He loves us.
The resentments and bitterness and unforgiveness has to go, they poison the core, they blind me to who I am.
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Post by Ativan Prescribed on Feb 2, 2022 9:33:47 GMT 8
Its when people place gender as more important than just being a person that it gets all fucked up. You have to keep in mind that gender is a construct that is loosely based on a persons sex and your sex has very little to do with who you are as a person. Male is not Neanderthal, female is not kittens, you get the point, your sex is not the determining factor that makes you a decent person, its in your intellect as a person, doesn't mean you have to be smart to do the right things, most people get it right off the bat. I used to imitate things girls did as far as body movements, things like how you hold your head, how you walk is really based on how far apart your hips are more than anything, so a guy with wide hips tends to swing them a bit, so what? But society has made vague determinations of how you are supposed to act and move and think based on this construct they also made, a justification perhaps?, and people are dumb enough to buy into it, PT Barnum ran a circus on that very idea that people will believe absurd shit... I just never had much use for gender and never took it all that seriously, sure there is this and that, but its really pretty low on the list of things that make a quality person a quality person, males are not better than females or vice versa, your argument is tainted by your dependency on gender to explain it. DON"T OVERTHINK IT!, Be a person and not a gender, gender does nothing to make you a better person in any regard, mostly because it is some seriously made up shit. And if you like to believe there is a god looking over you, don't you think there are many more important things to consider besides societies made up bullshit rules for gender that is neither here nor there in gods eyes? Saw a video today with this woman who was explaining how they are teaching critical race theory to little children and she thinks its a shame that they are teaching things like LGBTQ-a and sex education to grade school children never mentions what critical race theory actually is... But there you go, the only people who seem to be up in arms over anything to do with people is always about those people, never ever about themselves as white republicans, which is dying off at a faster and faster rate because you know who is going to be the new minority by 2030? White people. But considering that they are already the worldwide minority, what do they expect, had a good run for a few years there, time to just let it go because when it comes to race, we are all the human race, except republicans, I kinda fail to accept them as even living breathing things anymore, just hate bags. Kids in the near future will be lighting republicans on fire and ringing the doorbell, same as when I was kid and we left dog shit bags lit on fire and rang the doorbell, I see very little difference to be honest.
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Post by Trinity on Feb 2, 2022 10:34:30 GMT 8
Head tripping....
I've been around too much of the rigidity and that rigidity has been changing, but there is pushback by others.
Hard to unlearn trauma stuff, it gets inside you, I reject that as a victim mentality, but it does take work to overcome it.
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Post by Ativan Prescribed on Feb 2, 2022 10:59:47 GMT 8
Plenty of trauma stuff to go around in most peoples lives, most people choose not to talk too much about it. I chose to ignore quite a bit of the inflicted type of trauma directed towards me, I knew why I was and I knew where I was and I knew those trying to turn it into something on me didn't know jack shit about what they were talking about. But a lot of things persist to this day, you just can't shut it off, the best you can do is not so much justify things as you can just take a wtf attitude towards most of it. People try to hurt others because they are being hurt themselves and don't know how to handle it, so they inflict as a way to get pain relief for their own trauma things. This is the core basis for why republicans think and do as they think they do, which is rarely constructive, its tearing down others in the vain attempt to make themselves look better, not even good, just better than the scum from the ponds they come from. I play their game right back at them, only I'm better at it than they are, but then I really don't have much of a guilty conscience when it comes to people like they generally are, they might be sweet as pie but they still have flies like a pile of shit, just can't get away from their true nature. Once they finally got Nixon in office, it just all went downhill for them, liars, cheats, everything they claim they are not they are and everything they claim liberals to be they are, there is no justification for the evil they throw on the country year after year.
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Faithfully Married.
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Post by Trinity on Feb 2, 2022 11:00:12 GMT 8
"Be a person and not a gender, gender does nothing to make you a better person in any regard, mostly because it is some seriously made up shit."
We live in a time where the love of others has been trampled, hatespeech and mass manipulation through anger and demonization became normal and that happened under 45. I don't think we will ever recover from it. And he was the worst nightmare for us.
I think I had more mental damage as a result of that time than most other times. I was in perpetual anger over the oppression and demonization and active hate.
Motivation for detransitioning did not come from being free, it came from fear of losing my wife. But still, there is that thing of why was I showing myself off so much, its not like I'm going to allow anyone to hit on me.
I'll rebalance again, I'm off balance right now, it has to recenter.
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7,160
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14,577
Nov 5, 2015 13:41:59 GMT 8
November 2015
trinity
Non-Binary
Sh'e, H'er, they them, she, he, whatever....
Bisexual
Faithfully Married.
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Post by Trinity on Feb 2, 2022 11:09:48 GMT 8
Healing from trauma, that's a thing. I barely remember good times from childhood, but the fact is there were good times and there were a lot of them, but for some reason, I focus on the bad.
I was crazy in my mid 20's, sometimes they called me scary Perry, wore a bone sheath knife on my belt, that kind of thing, was normal where I was, sort of, but not.
I went way over the edge a long, long time ago. And we know that ended in Harlem, down and out, and I've had a few of those down and out times.
So its no wonder that if my security is threatened, or anyone elses for that matter, it goes into a destablilizing tail spin and an attempt to be someone to please the other person. I am quite vulnerable to that, but it never works in the end, we wind up being who we are.
But if that is used as a survival technique long enough, we don't even know who we are anymore, we become whoever we need to be in the moment.
I lost myself in the sixth grade, maybe seventh. In another world it would have been very different. And a good chance I'd be binary sh'e.
But that's not what happened, I got told I was bad, so I became what they told me to be and got progressively tougher, so I didn't have to be who I am anymore, because I was taught that who I am was the worst possible thing a person could be.
That got drilled into me when I was 12. And it stuck and was continued and repeated until I was 17, every single day, the only relief was playing music.
Just the fact that I lived through it is amazing, beat those odds, but the darned scars just don't ever go away.
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