Dialing it back to NB?

[Trinity]

Mar 25, 2022 8:46:00 GMT 8 Yuki said:

I hopped back on here to check in because of your post on Facebook. It's a lot to read and catch up on entirely right now because I'm so tired all the time at the moment due to us being on third shift, but I did read some and I hope you're doing well!

I've actually been debating on gender things recently, myself. Like if the reason I felt nonbinary was because I had issues with myself and with how society views women in general. That's part of the reason I haven't been on in a little while. Still going to legally change my name when I can though, I couldn't ever go back to my birth name. Too much trauma goes along with it.

But I hope you're able to figure out what you're comfortable with!

We've missed you on here.

Yah, I think trauma muddies the water a bit.

[Trinity]

The detransitioning baffles me a bit, I've been changing names more in social scenarios and feel pretty comfortable about that. It's like reclaiming the whole of me and its like, my identity is me and oh by the way, they happen to be an androgyne.

[Trinity]

Part of the challenge I have with the whole trans thing is of the binary, the rules and girls wear and do this and boys wear and do that.  But being NB and being transitioned androgyne, there are no rules, because there aren't.

Not even by binary standards.

My problem is getting comfortable in my own skin, no judgements, just being, which helps to shut down dysphoria.  I am having some of that dysphoria tonight, I got triggered earlier by a bigotted statement from someone, which I threw back at them by saying simply that they need to look at the medical side and stop with the liars side.  

Same crap, the idea that you can turn someone into being trans, or turn them gay, and that is the LGBT agenda, that's straight out of political hell with no basis on truth imo whatsoever.  Maybe some people do have that agenda, I sure as heck don't.

Its when we get attacked, and we react to the attack, that the water gets muddied up and crazy because that sets off repression and guilt and anger and all the other stuff, and if people just left us alone and let us live our lives, we'd be healthy and not do the boomerangs and all the clutter stuff that goes along with trading one matrix for another.

Feeling a bit conflicted tonight, and I know its because other people are controlling my gender expression, and I am letting them do it because I want to stay married, I know what I am.

Its when I repress emotions or physical needs and feelings that I get in trouble right away.  But I do need to relax a bit, get the incense and candles going.

See here is what pushes that to trans, the things I like, the soft music and candles and the feeling I have and all that, got labeled by the matrix as she, or trans, and it got repressed early in life, like a lot of stuff.  So when I finally had enough of having the bullies standing on my neck I swung heavy to trans she, but as years went by, I realized it wasn't trans she, it was just me, and something was wrong with society for labeling how I am as being female and negative and all that other stuff, mostly as shameful.

It's in undoing that social programming that I wound up in a more honest place, some folks call it being authentic, I prefer to call it living the truth.  As I live more clearly nonbinary they them,  I feel more and more like I am living true, nothing put over the top of it and no part of self being dominant, just all blended, the symphony playing in harmony without some other person coming in and grabbing the batton and playing their own music on my instruments.

Codependency really screws with this, social codependency as well as familial.  Fear also really messes with it all, has to be countered with faith.  And that thing of despising who I am, that is the worst of the poisons, learned behavior from constant shaming and bullying in childhood that I have risen beyond but it takes work to keep it that way.

I'd prefer to be in a red satin robe tonight, but I have black satin and it does ok, its funny, but I never did go for the pushed she look, I did and do go for the bohemian gypsy, and that's still part of me too.  But I have settled into this new identity more and more, and its a comfortable place that keeps all of me from beginning to end in peace, there was a time when it was a relief to run away from the original me and all my responsibilities and all the crap I had to deal with, and that can still be true, but now its more like I have all those responsibilities, and my self esteem is no longer drawn from only my trans identity, but from my whole identity.

Takes clarity to keep it in perspective though.

Took healing and a lot of forgiveness, both self forgiveness and forgiving the bigots (which is hard especially when they are not turning from their bigoty), but with that forgiveness comes freedom and truth for me.  Takes God's help though, and a lot of it.

That doesn't mean I won't fight the bigotry with truth, as I understand my own truth.  I do.  And it's exhausting.

Hugs all.

[Leena]

That does seem exhausting.

I have a lot less issues with the binary now than I did pre-transition. I still might not follow all the binary rules, though there a lot of benefits to blending in with the binary. If I bend or break a rule, I generally do so because I think it's worth it, and a lot of things that are important to other people are not important to me.

[Trinity]

Did a meeting she presenting, liked that, but interupted during it.

Back to center now, feels fine, this is still working for me.

It doesn't work when people talk about it, whether on the media or at home. If I am left alone, it works just fine.

A lot of things just make sense now. I still have questions though.

I think the matrix really screwed things up for me.

[Leena]

I generally change the channel if someone is talking about trans stuff in a negative way, though that isn't always possible. I'm not as good about not reading stuff online, and it can be really not good for me. It's hard to find a balance between being informed enough of what's going on, to spending all day doomscrolling.

[Trinity]

There's way too many destabilizing messages out there for me.

I'm in a stable place right now with way more clarity, nothing forced.  I don't think it would take a whole lot to destabilize that.

There's things that finally make sense to me, even things from my original 4 months with the shrink qualifying for the HRT.

Nothing about any of this is simple, but to be on full HRT and still married and just fine with being out and about as a guy all the time, which is where this finally went, while at the same time being comfortable in my own body, well, that's pretty huge.

I know some pretty fundamental things changed or shifted in the last year or so.

Had I stayed in NY and especially in the NY theater, it would have been different, had I transitioned young, it would have been different too, but I got a different life from it and I am grateful for the life I did get, in general.  Its had big challenges and big hurts, but it was the best I could do with the cards I had to play.

Crap, just having survived all this is no small thing, God stuff, divine appointments, friends that understand and were helping putting the brakes on transitioning to the binary, which would have been fine if I was binary, but I never was, just have that immersive experience when out she, big time.

Hard to explain really, one thing that always got to me and still does is collateral damage from transitioning late, I just hate that.  Minimized mine but it is still there and it was especially hard on my wife.

But looking back on it, could this have played out any other way and been survivable for me?

[Ativan Prescribed]

I pity the ignorance of those who are negative about trans and NB, how cocooned is your life to think that others have to be like you in some sheltered life that anything different scares you.
But its generally from people who have never gone much farther than ten-twenty miles from where they were born, went to school, got a job at the factory and live a sheltered life of worldly views based on the local drunks at the local bar.
It must hurt to have such a narrow view of existence, to know you are that ignorant and yet do nothing to change it, rely on the views of people from the past who are even worse than you are.

I sometimes catch myself wondering if things had been different if i would have liked my life better and then realize that there is so much I went looking for and the only regrets are not finding even more things in life.
Sure things went wrong and sometimes terribly wrong, but the experience of those things just hardened my resolve to be a better person when I could and to just not be afraid of things going wrong again, because thats how it goes, things are always going to be going wrong, but its what you do with those times that makes you who you are so much more than the easy times of when things just seemed to be going right most of the time, hardships build a kind of barrier to them if you use them as a thing to learn from, how much of the good times helps you out when things need to change?
But then I have always gotten off on that rush of fear to the point that it makes you shake some, even a lot, it just gets to a point where you suddenly think to yourself what the fuck and go for it, and the adrenaline is pumping and you go so much farther than you would have otherwise.
Trouble is the next time there is less and less fear and finding that adrenaline pump is harder to do, but luckily there seems to be a never ending supply of ways to scared the shot out of yourself, even the little things can make your day when you step over that line and step off the edge.
Life just wouldn't be the same for me otherwise, and it doesn't have to even be something that might hurt and be painful and especially death defying, those times where uncertainty steps forward and you just have to take the chance, rapid evaluation of a situation and then act.
It seems like the more you are willing to take a chance the better you get at doing things, its like running, you get bored with the streets so you take it to the trails and when those get boring you start to take those leaps over things and then kicking off stuff like say a tree trunk to change direction, I did this a lot growing up and got better after of course hurting myself but even that got better as I learned to take the hits on my body, I became really good at doing what is very much like parkour, in fact it is, and I have run and jumped across alleys and rooftops and learned to run upo the side of a wall a couple three steps after a while, you begin to just see the possibilities after a while, jumping from heights that shouldn't be possible and landing on flat ground they would be leg breakers of a sort, but knowing how to fall at an angle and on slopes was great fun when cliff climbing, and I really hate heights, I don't like looking down from them at all, nauseating and makes me instantly dizzy, but I got over that by simply glancing and knowing about how far it is down or simply not looking, that works as well and thats pretty much the secret to living, don't look if you can't take the sight of it, but don't let it keep you from doing what is fun and the right thing at the time, I hated looking at the ground when skydiving but the view just slightly towards the horizon is great and you do know how high you are, its a rush.
But these are extreme things that work for me, but on the other hand it has given me a lot of confidence in doing the small things in life as well, and I usually don't hesitate to just pity or laugh at those negatives and negative people.

[Trinity]

There are memories I would not trade for anything, people I love dearly that I would never have met.

I could get very emotional and triggered over that right now, it was another life in a different place.

This could have gone so very differently for me. I don't regret where it wound up, it went the way it had to.

I was happier sh'e. This other reality is just one long constant push to make it through, low level depression, rarely happy.

That wasn't the case when I was out fully Trinity, even if it was only for a night.

I am just glad I had the chance to do it.

[Trinity]

And now the dysphoria bites and bits hard, go figure.

It'll pass in a while. Should' have stayed in the now I guess, I never promised I could do this, I only promised that for now, I'd try it and go with it.

I still have everything, even the wigs, its just that it's all different now somehow, I can't explain it. I could dissapear into Trinity in a heartbeat, run, the whole thing, but that's not the right thing to do.

Goodnight everyone.

There are places I can't really let my mind go to, it just hurts too much.

Hard choices, but we all make those, don't we.

[Trinity]

A good enough day here, the detransition thing is going surprisingly well, I haven't changged underwear though. Might or might not, who knows, I don't.

But there's things that are coming back to me, stuff I had kind of lost coming back, its all good. I feel more whole. More back with the wife too.

I kind of wonder if I had to transition or not. I think I did, and that I had to do what I did do, I was too far to the edge with it all. But a lot of stuff going way way back has just fallen into place.

I'm sute there will me more as time passes.

Hugs.

[Ativan Prescribed]

Who would have thought that FL was so progressive that they have done away with the social construct of gender identity and sexual orientation....

[Trinity]

Dysphoric as heck right now, and didn't have that for so long, hard whiplash, let's see how long that lasts.

But I feel out of balance right now, and I think that's what is triggering it. I think it goes deeper than just gender dysphoria, I think it goes very deep indeed and many answers have come about that, but there are still questions in my mind, serious ones, nothing is simple about any of this.

But how I feel at the moment is pretty much hell, and age on top of it, I need a vacation from life....

[Leena]

*Big Hugs*

It would be nice if they were all low dysphoria days. It might be more useful to figure out what triggers those rather than what triggers the bad days. I never was able to though. I sometimes thought I did, and thought my dysphoria was "cured", only for it to come back even harder.

You deserve a vacation.

[Trinity]

Apr 19, 2022 1:35:14 GMT 8 Leena said:

*Big Hugs*

It would be nice if they were all low dysphoria days. It might be more useful to figure out what triggers those rather than what triggers the bad days. I never was able to though. I sometimes thought I did, and thought my dysphoria was "cured", only for it to come back even harder.

You deserve a vacation.

I think that because I have chosen to remain on HRT it makes it easier.  Also understanding clearly that I am not binary trans she helps.

I get into the most problems when I buy into the matrix bullshit, guys have to do this, be that, girls this or that, as soon as my head goes there it starts up because I start trying to control it or I judge it.

I can accept myself as who I really am.  I'm in trouble when I don't.

But at the moment, I do need a night off, and it's external controls that are causing that to be difficult.  That can snap, the one thing I know with dysphoria is not to underestimate it, its way bigger than me and I respect that.