inherit
131
0
1
May 3, 2024 8:54:16 GMT 8
7,160
Trinity
DES Trans
14,577
Nov 5, 2015 13:41:59 GMT 8
November 2015
trinity
Non-Binary
Sh'e, H'er, they them, she, he, whatever....
Bisexual
Faithfully Married.
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Post by Trinity on Feb 8, 2022 10:45:39 GMT 8
I was at my meeting tonight, dressed pretty neutral, they like the haircut. But I felt pretty uncomfortable, my body language and feelings were all very nb trans regardless of how I looked. Had to just keep reminding myself it was ok.
Just tired out from it right now, those were familiar feelings and I don't like them.
But still no mirror dysphoria, go figure.
This is just different now, I can't figure it out, just nonbinary so not going to try to understand it, just refusing to put on any kind of fake anything, I totally hate fake.
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inherit
60
0
1
May 3, 2024 9:53:02 GMT 8
4,661
Ativan Prescribed
8,467
Jan 9, 2015 10:22:46 GMT 8
January 2015
ativanprescribed
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Post by Ativan Prescribed on Feb 8, 2022 11:56:19 GMT 8
Yah, you don't want to overthink it, and yet you don't want to underthink it as well. Just being in the moment and trusting self and your feelings is about as good as it gets. Don't make the mistake of you were denied this or that, thats everyone at some point for some things in life. While the matrix agents have made life miserable for virtually every living person throughout history, they are after not real. life is about outlasting the bullshit after all....
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inherit
51
0
Dec 19, 2014 12:17:49 GMT 8
1,707
Leena
2,309
Dec 19, 2014 12:12:25 GMT 8
December 2014
veronicalynn
She/Her
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Post by Leena on Feb 9, 2022 0:59:27 GMT 8
It takes awhile for me to get comfortable going out with any major changes with my presentation. Kind of was the main reason I stopped changing it so much.
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inherit
131
0
1
May 3, 2024 8:54:16 GMT 8
7,160
Trinity
DES Trans
14,577
Nov 5, 2015 13:41:59 GMT 8
November 2015
trinity
Non-Binary
Sh'e, H'er, they them, she, he, whatever....
Bisexual
Faithfully Married.
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Post by Trinity on Feb 9, 2022 7:53:52 GMT 8
Medical day for me today, blood work at the trans clinic. Went out nonbinary sh'e in terms of gender expression (I'm beginning to dislike the word presentation) but short hair and no make up and quite nonbinary. Might still have been read as she, seems like it, smiles from men, the usual that I like frankly.
Pretty strong feels, but its much different from the past times out, self perception is definitely different.
Doc likes the haircut a lot, says I look a lot younger.
Got home, stripped, stayed in some of the clothes a while and ditched that part some hours ago, feeling more centered and comfortable now, less and less trans and more and more just me.
The big thing has been discomfort or suppression, not allowing that, when it comes up, just feeling it and breathing, being ok with what I feel, sorting some of that out, a lot of this has always been a physical thing with me and its a pretty tangled web between DES and how I grew up and what happened after that.
But doing ok today just being me, not really in the binary, just being comfortable and doing what I need to do.
Exhaustion and brain fog has been really bad lately, could be stress.
Main thing is not fighting my body or my mind, just being, being in the moment, feeling the feelings, listening to the core, listening and connecting to God in prayer, just going with it.
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inherit
131
0
1
May 3, 2024 8:54:16 GMT 8
7,160
Trinity
DES Trans
14,577
Nov 5, 2015 13:41:59 GMT 8
November 2015
trinity
Non-Binary
Sh'e, H'er, they them, she, he, whatever....
Bisexual
Faithfully Married.
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Post by Trinity on Feb 12, 2022 6:51:41 GMT 8
Strangely enough I am doing just fine, the mirror has become a bit odd because most likely the physical transition is still there but the haircut and 4 days beard is there too. So I have an odd reaction to that.
But in general, just relaxing, feeling pretty good.
Dreams have been odd, last night I dreamed some guy was trying to make a heavy pass at me, I got really uncomfortable and left.
Still just going with it, shot night tonight. Has all the appearences of detransition.
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inherit
51
0
Dec 19, 2014 12:17:49 GMT 8
1,707
Leena
2,309
Dec 19, 2014 12:12:25 GMT 8
December 2014
veronicalynn
She/Her
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Post by Leena on Feb 13, 2022 3:22:24 GMT 8
I'm glad this isn't going like the other times you got a haircut.
Whether this is the right path for you or not, only time will tell. I can't say for sure yet if the path I'm on is the right one for me, just that it is much better than going around in circles.
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inherit
60
0
1
May 3, 2024 9:53:02 GMT 8
4,661
Ativan Prescribed
8,467
Jan 9, 2015 10:22:46 GMT 8
January 2015
ativanprescribed
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Post by Ativan Prescribed on Feb 13, 2022 9:01:58 GMT 8
Vacuuming the living room, cutting the grass, all good reasons to go around in consecutively smaller circles.... Going in circles always reminds me of the neighbor kid about five years old who would hold his crotch and run in tight little circles if he had to pee instead of just peeing, it never worked for him, yet he did it a couple times a week or better. But then we are riding around in circles on the planet that is going around the sun in circles that is going around in circles in the galaxy, so.... NASCAR... just keep turning left and you'll get there eventually. But in general going in circles can't be all that good of a thing if you want to get somewhere.
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inherit
131
0
1
May 3, 2024 8:54:16 GMT 8
7,160
Trinity
DES Trans
14,577
Nov 5, 2015 13:41:59 GMT 8
November 2015
trinity
Non-Binary
Sh'e, H'er, they them, she, he, whatever....
Bisexual
Faithfully Married.
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Post by Trinity on Feb 13, 2022 11:12:42 GMT 8
I'm glad this isn't going like the other times you got a haircut. Whether this is the right path for you or not, only time will tell. I can't say for sure yet if the path I'm on is the right one for me, just that it is much better than going around in circles. We don't really know....I do keep remembering a lot of convos in the qualifiying HRT 4 month therapy sessions, didn't even know what NB was back then. What I do know and find extremely weird, is that I'm doing great, not even dysphoric. I had a moment today when there were some joggers around and I started to get that familiar pain of dysphoria, but it only took a second to remind myself that I still have a fully transitioned HRT body and I have no desire to change that, its the gender expression that is different, but when its the deep of the night, my body is the one I signed up for. Right or wrong, its working, dialed way back, so the wife feels like she has her husband back. But no, I'm not getting backlash for the haircut at all from dysphoria, and that's never, ever happened before since beginning transition. So I'm glad too Love the support I'm getting in here.
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inherit
131
0
1
May 3, 2024 8:54:16 GMT 8
7,160
Trinity
DES Trans
14,577
Nov 5, 2015 13:41:59 GMT 8
November 2015
trinity
Non-Binary
Sh'e, H'er, they them, she, he, whatever....
Bisexual
Faithfully Married.
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Post by Trinity on Feb 13, 2022 11:19:38 GMT 8
Vacuuming the living room, cutting the grass, all good reasons to go around in consecutively smaller circles.... Going in circles always reminds me of the neighbor kid about five years old who would hold his crotch and run in tight little circles if he had to pee instead of just peeing, it never worked for him, yet he did it a couple times a week or better. But then we are riding around in circles on the planet that is going around the sun in circles that is going around in circles in the galaxy, so.... NASCAR... just keep turning left and you'll get there eventually. But in general going in circles can't be all that good of a thing if you want to get somewhere. I like turning left - at about 3 g's in the camaro on the high banks.... One thing about us all in here in general, we sure do live life.
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inherit
60
0
1
May 3, 2024 9:53:02 GMT 8
4,661
Ativan Prescribed
8,467
Jan 9, 2015 10:22:46 GMT 8
January 2015
ativanprescribed
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Post by Ativan Prescribed on Feb 13, 2022 11:47:39 GMT 8
One thing about us all in here in general, we sure do live life. I have and I know a lot of stories from others as well, there is a commonality for us as NB to live life off the beaten path, forging our own ways, doing things just a little different to totally different. Over the years there have been so many people who took the steps they needed, moving from one end of the country to the other, changing up relationship status for the better, different jobs, the list goes on and on. I am seriously impressed with all of the members who have come through here, their lives can be breathtaking and yet so down to earth, surely the better people for taking the paths they have taken.
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inherit
131
0
1
May 3, 2024 8:54:16 GMT 8
7,160
Trinity
DES Trans
14,577
Nov 5, 2015 13:41:59 GMT 8
November 2015
trinity
Non-Binary
Sh'e, H'er, they them, she, he, whatever....
Bisexual
Faithfully Married.
|
Post by Trinity on Feb 16, 2022 3:15:19 GMT 8
Well its destabilizing a bit now. Last night got pretty bad, familiar self hate and resentment came back, got some help from Ativan in a private comment that helped, difference between presentation and core kind of thing, but I'm off balance.
Today I am back to womens underthings, just forcing myself to relax and just be, it's the male fail in the mirror that's getting to me mostly, what I do know is that psychologically I feel off.
There is too much self hate involved with the person I used to be before I was able to accept myself just as I am. Trying to be something I am not just stinks, the fluidity does throw me though, and I remember a lot of posts where it used to throw Leena as well.
Overthinking again. But the depression, that's a problem, that has to go away.
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inherit
51
0
Dec 19, 2014 12:17:49 GMT 8
1,707
Leena
2,309
Dec 19, 2014 12:12:25 GMT 8
December 2014
veronicalynn
She/Her
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Post by Leena on Feb 16, 2022 4:42:07 GMT 8
*Big Hugs*
I know it's hard, but you need to find a way to get past the self hate however this turns out. I think I got past most of mine by realizing that transphobes and homophobes are wrong about pretty much everything they talk about even if they act like they are right. Even if I was the feminine gay guy they saw me as, they were wrong to treat me the way they did.
The hardest part about the fluidity was that on low dysphoria days I'd sometimes come to think I could always feel like that. It doesn't work like that, though that doesn't mean there won't be more low dysphoria days.
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inherit
131
0
1
May 3, 2024 8:54:16 GMT 8
7,160
Trinity
DES Trans
14,577
Nov 5, 2015 13:41:59 GMT 8
November 2015
trinity
Non-Binary
Sh'e, H'er, they them, she, he, whatever....
Bisexual
Faithfully Married.
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Post by Trinity on Feb 16, 2022 10:09:23 GMT 8
It's a bit strange tonight and I am swinging more to the sh'e side of nb again, I expected this might happen. What really is getting to me is the fear, this is why I didn't purge, useless every time to do that anyway, and why I didn't make promises either.
Senseless to repress anything, presentation is what it is, but what was working was being me and wearing whatever I felt like wearing, some of that is not happening because mainly of the wife, and dial back isn't too bad because I still have the nonbinary clothing around, but for sure there is a bit of destabilization happening.
I was just reading an early post I had written here in December of 2014, I was so close to the edge, this is nothing like that, mostly just a recalibration I hope, at least it had better be that way.
Yah fluidity for me is kind of strange and unsettling, it had moved into just centered for a long time, now it seems to be a little different physically, more fluid there, the core though still feels very stable, what is unsettling is fear and anxiety and depression, mostly circumstantial.
But that feeling of permanence, I get it, its like being stealth sh'e socially, its totally immersive and it can be that way on the other side of the coin so to speak, but then the body for me just surprises me and I am like, oh well, just feel the feelings.
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inherit
60
0
1
May 3, 2024 9:53:02 GMT 8
4,661
Ativan Prescribed
8,467
Jan 9, 2015 10:22:46 GMT 8
January 2015
ativanprescribed
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Post by Ativan Prescribed on Feb 16, 2022 10:38:16 GMT 8
Of course its going to go up and down, everything does that regardless. Just stay in the moment if you are having doubts and see yourself as being you and not somebody else. Here's the thing, you have learned over the years that you are this person you have become, the old person and the old thinking is the past, stay in the now. Honestly not having to prove anything is the best outcome of all, look at how uptight and sphincter tied in knots most people are when it comes to just themselves, they feel the need to prove themselves over and over and for what? It doesn't get you anywhere to try to be the bigot and yet most people on the right see it as if it is their personal freedom to take others freedoms away, they in a huge sense are taking themselves away, they are losing their freedom because of self hatred. The entire reason they deny racism and bigotry is because it is so ingrained into them, they know they lost it and never gained a fricken thing by being such outstanding assholes, now they are willing to die of disease as a way of defining their freedom, how fucking stupid they must feel deep down inside. And oh yah their second amendment rights... just went down the tubes because Remington settled for millions and its the first of many lawsuits to come for that right to bare arms, it doesn't give you the right to just shoot people, and now they are paying for it. Live by the sword and die by the sword, they don't want to take responsibilities for their swords and now they do, prices of at least bushmaster AR-15s just went through the roof if you want a new one from Remington. So many small business were making those guns in small shops, around here it was a fairly decent size company that was making them and Remington came in an bought them out, they bought out every single little company making them and now they are on the hook for them if anyone uses them to just outright kill people. They wanted the profit at any cost, and now they are on the hook and are liable for every one of those rifles out there regardless, its going to shake up the manufactures of assault style weapons everywhere, just owning them is going to be questionable.
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inherit
131
0
1
May 3, 2024 8:54:16 GMT 8
7,160
Trinity
DES Trans
14,577
Nov 5, 2015 13:41:59 GMT 8
November 2015
trinity
Non-Binary
Sh'e, H'er, they them, she, he, whatever....
Bisexual
Faithfully Married.
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Post by Trinity on Feb 16, 2022 11:39:41 GMT 8
Well just showered and shaved my legs, they had hair.
So feeling better and good thoughts on the thread
To thine own self be true.... Shakespeare
Self acceptance, self denial, denial itself, self deception....
The core, the body, sex and sexuality, and do you need to show the world that stuff, why....
But I sense where this could go for me, its more dialed back and real, not a bad thing at all.
They, them.... might be the truth after all.....sh'e is nice, but there's the core thing going on, that's a physical thing more....
Lots to kick back and relax and think through.
The diamond hearts....
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