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Post by Leena on Feb 2, 2022 11:40:51 GMT 8
I lost myself in the sixth grade, maybe seventh. In another world it would have been very different. And a good chance I'd be binary sh'e. But that's not what happened, I got told I was bad, so I became what they told me to be and got progressively tougher, so I didn't have to be who I am anymore, because I was taught that who I am was the worst possible thing a person could be. Lots of people are told things like that. The problem is you believed them, and perhaps part of you still does. I can't say I didn't for a time, though I got past it by not valuing bigot's opinions. They are the ones that are horrible people but they all gang up together just like they do in middle school. I just think of them as a bunch of big middle schoolers, and really a good portion of them didn't even make it out of middle school.
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Post by Trinity on Feb 3, 2022 4:21:56 GMT 8
Yup.
Have to get that stuff out of the mind to know who we are.
Feeling better here today, night was no fun, day is doing ok and I am growing more comfortable as Perry.
Which is good.
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Post by Ativan Prescribed on Feb 3, 2022 9:36:00 GMT 8
I have literal scars all over my body from various things, and plenty of mental scars from various things. I cherish them, they are who I am, they are what makes me who I am, and sure some of them are pretty ugly but so what, they are mine and they mean something to me. Everyone has mental scars of some sort, the people who have led a charmed life have maybe less, but on the other hand maybe more and they play them right to have a charmed life. But I know this, regardless of whatever bad or even good choices I've made gone wrong, I come out on the other side because of the scars of life. For me life has been a long list of experiences and its in those experiences that I gained most of my scars, physical and mental, I can fall back on the experiences pretty easy and they do guide me through the worst and the best of times.
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Post by Trinity on Feb 3, 2022 10:13:54 GMT 8
They can give a good reference point, toughen us up, and we can share strength and hope with others as a result. It also makes us more empathetic on the good side of it.
I'd rather have earned the things I have, than to have the silver spoon version of it. Coming from the desperate time of it made me a lot stronger, gives me an appreciation of what I have.
And we've been through that a few times, really makes you appreciate the good ones, and makes you appreciate friendships and loved ones so much more.
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Post by Leena on Feb 4, 2022 1:46:29 GMT 8
I kind of think focusing on trauma is more like picking at a scab. Leave it alone and it will heal, and the scar will eventually fade.
People that give openly trans and nonbinary people a hard time are the same people that give men that are perceived to be feminine a hard time. While presenting as your AGAB does get them off your back somewhat, so can passing and being stealth. Unfortunately, we live in a world that really enforces the binary.
I wish it wasn't like this, but we can only do but so much to change it. I don't have a bold enough personality to be loud and proud, so I am just embracing the binary and trying to be as close to stealth as possible. I've seen myself as straddling the blurry line between nonbinary and binary trans for a long time though so it isn't too far off. I don't know that many people want to deal with binary enforcers in our daily lives, so we do whatever we have to do to avoid it.
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Post by Trinity on Feb 4, 2022 5:35:25 GMT 8
I was out at the local grocery store this moring, short hair, tee shirt with a shirt over it to hide that part, had a facemask on because of covid.
Had issues with a check.
The manager came up, and had to ask if I was me or if I was my wife. This while I was fully male presenting.
It just doesn't really matter right now.
I'm feeling pretty comfortable, just going with it, and I really don't care what anyone thinks. How I feel is normal and real, so why worry.
Never expected it.
Socially except when going to meeting or theater I was male presenting anyway, but I never really worry about how I act or anything. I'm just me, however I look, no voice mods, I'm not into it.
Nothing forced. No matrix stuff put on, just being comfortable.
Cool.
Still no dysphoria. Feeling of otherness, sure, a bit, but even that is diminished.
I do feel kind of like Rip Van Winkle, like I woke up from a really long dream.
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Post by Trinity on Feb 4, 2022 7:22:38 GMT 8
I kind of think focusing on trauma is more like picking at a scab. Leave it alone and it will heal, and the scar will eventually fade. People that give openly trans and nonbinary people a hard time are the same people that give men that are perceived to be feminine a hard time. While presenting as your AGAB does get them off your back somewhat, so can passing and being stealth. Unfortunately, we live in a world that really enforces the binary. I wish it wasn't like this, but we can only do but so much to change it. I don't have a bold enough personality to be loud and proud, so I am just embracing the binary and trying to be as close to stealth as possible. I've seen myself as straddling the blurry line between nonbinary and binary trans for a long time though so it isn't too far off. I don't know that many people want to deal with binary enforcers in our daily lives, so we do whatever we have to do to avoid it. Nobody wants to deal with enforcers that want to control who you are and say this is better than that or whatever. To me its what is the truth. When I first started therapy, to qualify for hrt, I refused to give in to the trans narrative thing, fake anything, and we talked at legnth about that stuff. I actually have been reflecting on a lot of that original diagnosis and a lot of what was said, and I am getting more insight into it. They really didn't get on my back, and I hope they have the good sense not to get on yours. My wifes desire for a cis het husband is kind of normal and what she thought she was getting when she married me, and I'm ok with letting myself be who I am detransitioned, though I have not stopped hormones. That may be a different matter. I don't want T driving me insane again. I suppose you could argue that its not even detranstitioning. But there is a self perception shift that is different and that has been changing for a long time now. That's the big difference, and if they like it, well, cool. I keep thinking of someone I know that went all the way, and regretted it. I'm not them, but I sure am glad I didn't follow that path. I also was on that blurry line, for a long time. I wouldn't think it would change, but for me, it did. Which is a big surprise for me. I dunno, maybe it played out, served its purpose, was for a time, and then came to an end. Good argument to stay in the now. But not going back to the matrix binary, rather, I am just going back to a more real me that matches the Core better.
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Post by Ativan Prescribed on Feb 4, 2022 9:32:37 GMT 8
I've rarely ever questioned myself as far as gender is concerned, its always been a back burner thing at the most, always aware that I am not a part of the binary and I don't really give a shit about it. I grew up with plenty of people who questioned how they felt about themselves and most all of them fooled around sexually one way or another and I did as well, but it was never a questioning sort of thing, just another adventure is more like it. Just seems like there are so many more important things in life to wonder about and things to do to be all concerned about gender this and gender that. I have always told people that it is just fine to explore gender related things as well as sexual related things, because in the long run, they are small parts of our existence and even the day to day things we wander through while growing up and pretending that we are grown up. There are always going to be those same people who complain about everything as if it is any of their business, it no wonder less and less people are considering themselves as religious, still believe in god one way or another, but religious, probably not considering haw badly they have fucked that up. Same thing as being politically active, more and more people are just walking away from it all and the biggest losers are republicans, here again they managed to just fuck it all up all over themselves. Being real and not going around in society with a chip on your shoulder is about as good as it is going to get, because being real and not some fucking meme is a lot harder than pretending to be that meme, as if it wasn't a joke to begin with. Again, you want to stand out but at the same time you don't want to be perceived as that person who wears a t-shirt that says I'm With Stupid when they are all by themselves. Be a person, not a meme....
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Post by Leena on Feb 5, 2022 1:32:30 GMT 8
I suppose you could argue that its not even detranstitioning. But there is a self perception shift that is different and that has been changing for a long time now. That's the big difference, and if they like it, well, cool. I keep thinking of someone I know that went all the way, and regretted it. I'm not them, but I sure am glad I didn't follow that path. My mom keeps pushing the idea that I'll regret transitioning, but my only regret is not doing this sooner. I have never wanted to be a dirty old man, and if I get bottom surgery, it will ensure that won't happen if I'm forced off HRT for one reason or another. I still think you are thinking voice training is like making a cartoon voice. Yeah, some trans women do it wrong and sound like that, but my voice basically sounds the same as it did before puberty. I get that you must like your voice, you are a singer. I don't have that many issues with the binary trans narrative now, I just wanted to do things in a different order than what is commonly suggested. There was just no way I was ever going to be comfortable doing anything like RLE before I had electrolysis completed. It's clear you had different issues with it, and that's fine. I don't think everyone that has dysphoria is binary trans, though I also don't think everyone is nonbinary.
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Post by Ativan Prescribed on Feb 5, 2022 8:21:35 GMT 8
Everyone is different, there is no single example of a person who is a perfect match to anything, there are many paths in the forest and we walk in others paths at times and then we move on. How weird would it be to come across someone exactly like yourself, like totally boring because you know what they are thinking and what they are going to say and what they are going to do. They wouldn't even be useful as a mirror, I mean how long would it take to just loath them for being the same because nobody thinks they are perfect and yet here is this perfect double of yourself, a slap in the face for ignoring your own shortcomings. But really, its like hearing cisbinary claiming to be 100% male or female, it just doesn't compute, it doesn't work, I mean how many buy Carhart jackets and pants so they have the look? Fashion.... Carhart makes indestructible clothing for people with hard on clothing jobs. What I like about people and depend on is that they are all different, sure some things are going to be close, but still they are different, we identify people by how they move more than by how they act or look in presentation. We generally spot the fake people and don't realize we have because we are taught to base people on looks and actions and yet that off jerky movement of some of them is a dead give away they are hiding something, not that it matters, everyone is hiding something... I spent so much time looking at people from farther away than most because I was generally in an area that was far away, but the simplest of things gave people away as far as who they most likely were and gender had little to do with it. I spent so many years watching people as a salesperson selling high end products, you begin to notice a lot of things when its your paycheck on the line, but you also get the everyone lies thing going as well, depending on the lie makes a difference in how you go about getting them to part with their money. There is no such a thing as a cis binary or trans binary or NB, they are approximations of how we see ourselves, put me in a room full of any group and I feel uncomfortable because none of them is really what they think they are, they are close approximations of the group and thats it if even that. If you take the exact specs for what cis binary is, then everyone fails, except that one guy who is a plastic doll named Ken and the one named Barbie, and they even fail because genitals, there is no strict cis binary and all NB means is that you are not a perfect binary gender, so nobody... Big fricken joke on the infantile reactions of right wing people these days, kid spreads a rumor that they are putting litter boxes on the school bathrooms for those kids who identify as cats, and they fall for it, total outrage and demand that the practice is stopped, it was never true. But so what if it was true, are suddenly kids everywhere going to be using litter boxes and identify as cats? Maybe better than identifying as gullible republicans.... My brother one day declared that he has never changed one bit about how he thinks about anything since high school, but then he uses the phrase water under the dam all the time as well. But who doesn't change and who doesn't go through phases of change and who doesn't backtrack every now and then? Stop pretending like you know and be more the person who accepts that virtually everyone is different and I suppose you can thank god for that or not, because who really knows anyways?
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Post by Trinity on Feb 5, 2022 10:28:13 GMT 8
I get that you must like your voice, you are a singer. This. Its not how other people sound. Its me trying to sound like other people, or like someone that is not me at core.
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Post by Trinity on Feb 5, 2022 10:36:05 GMT 8
The only regret I have with transitioning is the effect it had on my wife, and I hope she is happier now, but it has hurt the marriage relationship, lots of love but theres lots of hurt too.
I still have no idea what I am going to do with HRT going forward.
For tonight, I still feel comfortable.
And as to those who don't know how we feel, they have no business telling us how we are going to feel. Unless someone has gone through mind breaking dysphoria, and I have, they have no business passing judgement on someone who has it.
I'm just stunned that mine has changed. Totally shocked by it, not questioning it, not analyzing it, just wondering what happened and if it is going to last or not.
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Post by Trinity on Feb 6, 2022 10:22:38 GMT 8
Still at it, took the hormone shot, liked how I felt before the shot more than after, tranq'd out most of the day sort of.
No change in gender perception, still have same core feelings, still have the jealousy issue here and there, or resentment about why was I born amab instead of afab, but that doesn't last very long.
Might sleep in a nylon sleepshirt tonight, I have the old stuff I used to wear which is very in between according to the rules of the binary, just feels really comfortable to me.
More than anything its like, huh, why do I feel ok here, never was like this before.
Some things seem better not tried to figure out, but just felt and experienced to see if it feels true, false, or whatever.
I'm kinda like, I wonder how long this is last before I go back to it again. And I honestly have no clue, could be 5 minutes, could be a whole lot longer than that
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Post by Leena on Feb 7, 2022 3:07:36 GMT 8
I try to just enjoy any breaks from dysphoria I get.
I don't know jealousy works the same for me, like I'm still never sure if I want to be her or just be with her. I don't think I have much resentment towards being AMAB at this point. If I were AFAB, I wouldn't have went on this journey and had nearly the amount of self reflection I had over the last decade or so. I feel like it's made me a better person regardless of where I end up.
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Post by Ativan Prescribed on Feb 7, 2022 10:14:11 GMT 8
I always get that feeling of wanting to be her and just like her all the time, but it holds true for males as well though not as much. But I also think this is true no matter who you are, deny it all you want and you do because you are supposed to or something like that. But if you watch how most people go about it, you can see the conflicts for a lot of people but it really isn't much of one, because social conditioning, being groomed by society. I have mostly seen the male fantasy of big boobs as wanting them for themselves and it shows in conversations, same with having a vagina, and its a basic fuck everything that moves sort of male fantasy thing, so yah, they want to be that female... Conversations with females and fantasizing about having a dick is very equivalent, watch for the female version of a male thrusting his hips. But to me this is all just totally normal for everyone, sure it would be fun to be a different sex and present as a different gender, you can't always get what you want sort of thing unless you try sometime. But really, it just goes to show that gender is a construct to me and that there is no such a thing as a sure fired way of absolutely knowing someone's sex, not even for the person themselves. Its the social construct of society that when it comes to gender related things, the strictness it implies is its undoing, no you can't think like the opposite sex and yet most thoughts people have are the same regardless, gender is a small part of the day unless you get all hung up over it. Its a republican thing mostly, because in sitcoms of the 50's and 60' and maybe some of the 70's, there is this normalcy that isn't real and yet it is what republicans seem to strive for, unrealistic goals that nobody else wants. Evolve or get left behind and thats their greatest fear, being left behind because it is happening to them, but itsa their own strict adherence to unrealistic visions of what america is, the country has never ever been full of the same people as shown in sitcoms, they are comedies for a reason.... The TV shows they grew up with left this sting in their lives because they never had that, but then nobody did, the average family still can't afford a 4 bedroom house in the Burbs and well Mayberrie is a funny twilight zone style comedy, just never existed and nothing was ever close. So right from the git go, republicans have always lived in this unrealistic version of reality that never existed and it pisses them off that they couldn't have that and so they blame anyone and everyone and most of the country wants to move on from the last decade and the one before, they are still in the middle of the sixties and whine that it was the good old days, but it never was good, the good is evloving into the better as we move forward and treat people like people, the sooner republicans understand that the sooner people will treat them as equals again.
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