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Post by Deleted on Jul 2, 2015 18:34:03 GMT 8
That's a lot to handle Star.
Lot of emotions and needs.
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Post by Deleted on Jul 3, 2015 22:52:49 GMT 8
Sold my racekart to a 6 year old kid whos dad and granddad are sprint car pros.
Prayed and blessed it for them, gave them everything, gears, clutches, poured it out, they gave me all their cash, 200 bucks, I gave them 1200 bucks worth of racekart.
I made the little kid happy.
I feel happy too. Sad that the chapter has closed, but happy how it ended.
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Post by Ativan Prescribed on Jul 4, 2015 1:54:27 GMT 8
They gave you $1,200 worth of happy.
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Post by Deleted on Jul 24, 2015 1:29:20 GMT 8
Had no solid leads on NY, figured it was going to work out down here instead.
Two bites today from ex bosses.
Now the rubber meets the road. All this time on the forum is about to be put to the test, as well as my Christian beliefs, and my sober training which is about yielding to God's will.
I'll be on vacation. Limited access.
Lets see if they call my cards... three at the table including me now.
Warrior is right. Either do it, or fall on the sword.
I sense promise. Even if it doesn't work out, and I remain here, its a faith test, one to pass to grow stronger.
Blessings
Trinity.
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Post by Deleted on Jul 24, 2015 21:32:41 GMT 8
Might as well continue the thought process.
I woke up with a pitch, a business plan that could draw on the unique strengths of my life experience, and realized just how seriously enterpreniur and powerful it was. What held me back, was the character defects associated with alcoholism, the low self esteem from being trans, and just general matrix bullcrap.
I needed the season I am in, that curtain will fall, I have another contract to pursue. So we'll raise the raisers at the table, hold the cards, read the epressions. I am advised by my closest friends not to ditch the reality of being trans but to address it, have enough clues for them to see it, that for me will be jewelry and nails, and a knock em over look that is both attractive, exotic, and comes from the stregnth of being nonbinary and knowing it is truth. The power of truth and not hiding. Reads as competency.
I will pursue this God given vision, the chains that held me back are broken, those others forged will melt and are no more, my hand goes right through the chain, I am freed. I see the matrix of gender rules, it is a game to be played, knowing the self inside is my own unique gender, not even definable as male or female anymore. I am me.
So the matrix can be played, and so can the roles for this season of this new stage. Money is there for the harvest. The season of self doubt, of mindbending meds adjustments as the hormones had done their goals, I see it for what it is, it is not my truth anymore, the self doubt.
It is time to be the executive I know I can be, return to the consulting world, make money, and help the ones I love. Poverty will be a reminder of the stakes and the goad to self discipline, and I will remain here too.
Or, I will take a lateral transfer, and make money anyway, the choice is God's, but the vision will be presented, and anyone with a brain will see the opportunity there for them to underwrite and support, and make money in a win win scenario.
Wake up oh sleeper. "Breathe the free air my friend, the spell is broken, Saruman, I with draw you as poison from a wound". - Gandalf, paraphrased.
Blessings dear friends. Prayers are appreciated, there are traps to avoid here. Trans traps, people pleasing traps, self esteem traps. I have to nail it now, and I am trained and ready to do it.
Sounds like its ego but its not. Its the endgame of a successful transition-transformation-revelation. Its what we all dream of. Me getting this brings hope to others, silent watchers, whoever. That is the point, I live a transparent life, so you can live one of your own too, and have hope.
Trinity
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Post by Deleted on Jul 25, 2015 0:09:57 GMT 8
I seem to be a bit pumped up here lol. Wife is trying to guy me for the interview, I have a more genuine image in mind. It'll be a compromise. Thank God for morphing hairstyles, and non gendered jewelry. Now I'll quiet down and enjoy your kabitzing here... :-)
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Post by Deleted on Jul 25, 2015 5:05:23 GMT 8
The only way I can do this is to get my emotions out of it.
Emotion says no way, and I'll stay scraping by. Faith says something different.
Erin I am so sorry, we are in deep, it's why I'm willing to go live in a ny basement for a while to get back on our feet.
It sucks, and I've been in your shoes before.
Ashamed to say it. Trying to fix it, I used to make a decent paycheck, they cut me 70% to unsustainable,,dad pays for my hormones for me.
I'm sorry.
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Post by Deleted on Jul 28, 2015 9:51:17 GMT 8
They called. They want me in on Thursday to interview in Long Island.
Kids advised me to cut nails back to what is usually suggested for women going to interviews. Makes sense. The jewelry and obvious androgyne face on a person known to have been bearded for decades may lead to a convo. I've been semistealth for the last 3 days. Feel fine, I get tired, I flip my hair forward, reassure myself, and then go back, knowing my gender is me, and the clothes and looks, are not key with so much on the line right now.
Dialed back is more comfortable in this environment anyway. If I was down in Greenwich Village, I'd be much more flamboyant. Will adjust to their levels, I am no longer under compulsion to present female, the new understanding of just how nonbinary I really am has ended that I think. Will trust that more over time. Feels like total acceptance of me, who i am. Its really cool. Instead of full transition and full time, its full revelation and full time nonbinary, with this nifty body i love thats wired so nicely.
So no self conscious stuff while hitting the interview hard. The rainbow ring is a dead give away anyway, suit, rings, bracelets.
The job is Hardball. Working for a whip cracker was good prep for this. This is hardcore NYC subcontracting work.
Cards are dealt, hands will be shown soon.
They sure jumped on the networking call.
Cool.
More later, when able.
Blessings to all of you.
Trinity.
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Post by Deleted on Aug 6, 2015 9:50:48 GMT 8
The other estimator, the one that wrote me up, quit and left without class. Left without respect. Just up and split, 2 day notice.
I am leaving with class and respect.
The supervisor, Stan, is treating me with respect, feather earing female andro presenting and all. He did me a favor he sharpened my edge.
I'll be dialed way back in the New place. They are bound to figure it out though.
So. They have no estimator in the main office in the old when I leave Friday.
Interesting. How do you run a business when your two million dollar salesmen leave and now you have zero sales?
Unexpected. I can't help them I'm under contract.
Ouch... Trinity
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Post by Deleted on Oct 11, 2015 2:13:29 GMT 8
This was me once. And again if i drink. Help transfolk love who they are...
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Post by Deleted on Oct 11, 2015 2:27:12 GMT 8
I had come out of a blackout and was sitting on the sidewalk in times square with a bottle of ruinite in my left hand and a plastic rose flower in my right, just laughing at the people stepping over me to go to work. Then i blacked out again.
In the bar i wound up sitting on the floor wearing a skirt. They threw me out, didnt want me giving anyone a disease. Lucky for me i was always too drunk to get laid, so i never caught anything serious.
Young people need us dears. They need our love and strength.
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Post by Taka on Oct 27, 2015 22:47:30 GMT 8
doctor doing his job well. told me to get good vitamin d and iron levels before further considering t. more waiting, but he's absolutely right about it. if everything else is right, but the feeling of wrongness persosts, we'llhabe a pretty good case even if someone wants to criticize him going against the system.
i also naturally have high enough t levels that he though i might have taken odd supplements.
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Post by Trinity on Nov 19, 2015 1:16:18 GMT 8
Its an emotional day for me today. And i feel more feminine than usual.
They've been fluxuating. I'm like that, i feel deeply, all of it.
Bear with me a bit. But sh'e is strong today. So i will yield to h'er needs.
Love to all.
Trinity
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Post by Ayla on Dec 15, 2015 19:36:17 GMT 8
Been a great few days. I am really firing with the higher E. I have never felt so good. Then the validation and genuine support I received from women in my team was really quite unexpected. My spirit sang. I know that it shouldn't matter, but it did and it does. Feeling so very, very happy. Sometimes I feel that I may well move to andro f rather than andro m which is where I thought I would find equilibrium.
This puzzles me. Is it the E or does it just take me more time to find my way?
Safe travels
Aisla
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Post by Ayla on Dec 15, 2015 19:46:50 GMT 8
Another unexpected buzz came from the 2 young female digital media types sitting next to me at breakfast. They presented as quite andro casual and I saw them come together to whisper, then both looked at me then chatted again. I think the combination of my clear polished and shaped nails, moisturised skin, shaped brows, pony tail and zero facial hair caught their attention. Great to be read as andro trans. I now seem to be able to read folk and read nuance and messaging much more readily than I was able to do pre HRT.
It is also more and more obvious to me that while I can still play the binary alpha male my reality is far more fluid and more andro if not F. Similarly my connection with and the opinions of my female friends and colleagues are now far more important than those of the guys.
Safe travels
Aisla
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