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Post by Edge on Dec 6, 2014 0:53:32 GMT 8
There is a problem in me, something I lack, that I want to fix. Unfortunately, I don’t know what it is or how to find out. Any advice would be appreciated.
Yesterday, I felt angry and resentful because I wanted attention and affection. Except I had already received a lot of that. Why did I want more and why did it bother me so much that I wasn’t getting it? Why do I feel like I need it? Why am I looking outside of myself to fulfill this need? I can do just fine on my own, so why am I having so much trouble with another person?
I feel like there must be something I lack which I am trying to fill with another person’s affection and attention. This is clearly a problem since it is unfair on him and I should be able to fulfill all of my emotional needs myself.
So how do I figure out what it is I lack?
(Note: I already know the problem isn't self esteem. That had already been addressed.)
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Post by Deleted on Dec 6, 2014 3:04:01 GMT 8
I don't think the problem is self esteem at all. I think we all crave affection and intamacy. Sometimes we need it. Sometimes we crave it. And hon, sometimes we just crave it more than what is given.
My opinion Edge? You can't fix it. It is human nature. There is nothing broken to be fixed. I am one of the most self sufficient people I know. I don't need anyone and I crave and want the same kind of affection from my lover. Hell, Edge, I even need it sometimes and it's not a self esteem issue for me either. When the world starts piling on or something happens during the day that makes us feel small and unimportant, it is really nice to feel important to someone. I mean I've had really bad days and all I want is for someone to tell me and show me how important I am to them. When they di then all is right again. Or at least makes me feel like I am important to them and somethimes that is all that matters. And sometimes I still want more. It just depends on your lover and then be honest and open and tell them to say it all again.
Remember I am one of those people that don't need to be around family during the Holidays. As a matter of fact I prefer to be alone for the holidays except for me and someone else if I am in a relationship at the time and most people can't handle that. If not then I prefer to be alone and reflect. But I still need the attention and affection from the one I love. This is not a male thing or female thing but way more of a human thing. I don't think you lack anything. I think you are just a human being. You and I are not much different just on opposite ends of the spectrum.
So in short, we all want to be loved by someone special. We all want to love someone special to us. We all crave attention and affection from the one we love. It's just a part of being human. :-/
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Post by Deleted on Dec 6, 2014 3:57:11 GMT 8
Edge, Craving and wanting affection from someone you love is pretty damned normal stuff. Having lived most of my life as a male and having observed other males and the way they are so inept at saying I love you, I made it a point to not be that way. They do that assuming that their sweetie knows that they love them somehow through osmosis, it's kind of stupid Neanderthal stuff really. I tell my sweetie that I love her all the time and she responds likewise. I made it clear that I love to hug and cuddle because time on earth is too short not to, and to pass up something wonderful is a mistake that we may one day regret when our partner is gone. Victor, get and give all the love you can, it's your time now!
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Post by Deleted on Dec 6, 2014 6:52:31 GMT 8
Edge, Craving and wanting affection from someone you love is pretty damned normal stuff. Having lived most of my life as a male and having observed other males and the way they are so inept at saying I love you, I made it a point to not be that way. They do that assuming that their sweetie knows that they love them somehow through osmosis, it's kind of stupid Neanderthal stuff really. I tell my sweetie that I love her all the time and she responds likewise. I made it clear that I love to hug and cuddle because time on earth is too short not to, and to pass up something wonderful is a mistake that we may one day regret when our partner is gone. Victor, get and give all the love you can, it's your time now! Damn Shan. You made me shed a tear. You are indeed wise and so sweet too. OMG. You said in one paragraph what I tried to say in four.
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Post by Metamorph on Dec 6, 2014 12:23:34 GMT 8
That sounds like a statement of self-protection. If you can fill them all yourself you never get hurt or hurt anyone. As the other's said, you are human so there are basic needs that include a desire for attention and affection. Add to that, if you didn't get enough as a child those needs can feel stronger, more dangerous and more confusing.
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Post by Edge on Dec 6, 2014 23:03:36 GMT 8
Ok. I'll try to explain this better.
When I'm alone, I am perfectly fine being alone. I don't need to cuddle, I don't need affection, I don't need much attention, etc. I provide myself with everything I need. Now, I'm in a relationship and I want to cuddle all the time, want affection all the time, and want more attention than is reasonable. I know it's normal to like these things, but it's not ok to crave them to such a ridiculous degree.
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Post by Deleted on Dec 6, 2014 23:17:22 GMT 8
Ok. I'll try to explain this better. When I'm alone, I am perfectly fine being alone. I don't need to cuddle, I don't need affection, I don't need much attention, etc. I provide myself with everything I need. Now, I'm in a relationship and I want to cuddle all the time, want affection all the time, and want more attention than is reasonable. I know it's normal to like these things, but it's not ok to crave them to such a ridiculous degree. So you're not a needy, clingy type capable of entertaining yourself, that's a good thing, the kind of attributes I respect. Now you are in a relationship and it's not just you and it feels good even though it flies in the face of your profile, so the craving aspect leaves you feeling a bit vulnerable doesn't it? Maybe that's ok and is just something you'll have to make adjustments for if it is going to be an ongoing relationship, it isn't going to change who you are.
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Post by Deleted on Dec 7, 2014 4:00:56 GMT 8
Ok. I'll try to explain this better. When I'm alone, I am perfectly fine being alone. I don't need to cuddle, I don't need affection, I don't need much attention, etc. I provide myself with everything I need. Now, I'm in a relationship and I want to cuddle all the time, want affection all the time, and want more attention than is reasonable. I know it's normal to like these things, but it's not ok to crave them to such a ridiculous degree. I get like this, I know that being rejected really triggers me and the flip side if that is that in order to not be rejected I need all the affection. I've been with my partner for two years now and the fact that i'm not chasing after all the affection worries me as I wonder if I'm deliberately distancing myself.
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Post by Edge on Dec 7, 2014 4:53:00 GMT 8
Ok. I'll try to explain this better. When I'm alone, I am perfectly fine being alone. I don't need to cuddle, I don't need affection, I don't need much attention, etc. I provide myself with everything I need. Now, I'm in a relationship and I want to cuddle all the time, want affection all the time, and want more attention than is reasonable. I know it's normal to like these things, but it's not ok to crave them to such a ridiculous degree. I get like this, I know that being rejected really triggers me and the flip side if that is that in order to not be rejected I need all the affection. I've been with my partner for two years now and the fact that i'm not chasing after all the affection worries me as I wonder if I'm deliberately distancing myself. Yeah, it's like that! It's like there's no middle ground and I have to force myself not to chase after more affection than he can give me. I've been doing some reading and, from what it looks and feels like, I'm pretty sure what I lack is object constancy. I think that, while we're apart or not doing things together, I stop mattering to them. (Again, this isn't a self esteem thing. This is a deeply ingrained interpersonal thing that is apparently common in people with my disorder. And, no, it is not healthy no matter how human it is.) Now how do I figure out how to fix this?
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Post by Deleted on Dec 7, 2014 8:48:13 GMT 8
I get like this, I know that being rejected really triggers me and the flip side if that is that in order to not be rejected I need all the affection. I've been with my partner for two years now and the fact that i'm not chasing after all the affection worries me as I wonder if I'm deliberately distancing myself. Yeah, it's like that! It's like there's no middle ground and I have to force myself not to chase after more affection than he can give me. I've been doing some reading and, from what it looks and feels like, I'm pretty sure what I lack is object constancy. I think that, while we're apart or not doing things together, I stop mattering to them. (Again, this isn't a self esteem thing. This is a deeply ingrained interpersonal thing that is apparently common in people with my disorder. And, no, it is not healthy no matter how human it is.) Now how do I figure out how to fix this? I suspect that I get that to some extent, I definitely feel cut off from people if they aren't physically there. Like they actually stop existing if I can't see them, which means I don't miss them, so I'm totes capable of not seeing someone for years and picking up where we left off. I really have no idea how to go about fixing it tho.
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Post by Edge on Dec 7, 2014 12:49:20 GMT 8
Yeah, it's like that! It's like there's no middle ground and I have to force myself not to chase after more affection than he can give me. I've been doing some reading and, from what it looks and feels like, I'm pretty sure what I lack is object constancy. I think that, while we're apart or not doing things together, I stop mattering to them. (Again, this isn't a self esteem thing. This is a deeply ingrained interpersonal thing that is apparently common in people with my disorder. And, no, it is not healthy no matter how human it is.) Now how do I figure out how to fix this? I suspect that I get that to some extent, I definitely feel cut off from people if they aren't physically there. Like they actually stop existing if I can't see them, which means I don't miss them, so I'm totes capable of not seeing someone for years and picking up where we left off. I really have no idea how to go about fixing it tho. Ah. I'm the opposite. I think I stop existing to people when they can't see me, that they don't miss me, and that they don't care about me. When people stop talking to me for months, I write them off as having abandoned me.
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Post by Deleted on Dec 7, 2014 23:17:57 GMT 8
I suspect that I get that to some extent, I definitely feel cut off from people if they aren't physically there. Like they actually stop existing if I can't see them, which means I don't miss them, so I'm totes capable of not seeing someone for years and picking up where we left off. I really have no idea how to go about fixing it tho. Ah. I'm the opposite. I think I stop existing to people when they can't see me, that they don't miss me, and that they don't care about me. When people stop talking to me for months, I write them off as having abandoned me. I think a lot of friends who I haven's seen sometimes in years get too busy with their own lives to have to continue connecting with everyone they know, I don't think it's personal really. There are some who as far as I'm concerned relate to me as if we were two ships passing in the night, we blinked our lights at each other but they're gone now over the horizon and so in that context I don't take it as a matter of them not liking me or me liking them, it's just that we have other things to do in other places. Then there are always plenty of people that don't qualify as "friends" because the chemistry was never there, they are nothing more than "associates" that circle around one's life and come and go like the stars in the universe. They never become close and one never misses them when they're gone.
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Post by Metamorph on Dec 7, 2014 23:35:42 GMT 8
I am like you Edge. I think I stop existing for others. Or that they stop liking me. My closest friends have become family and I know they care about me. They live a long ways away and when we don't talk often enough I start to think they've forgotten me or are glad to be rid of me. I know now it's my feelings and not reality and I can ride it out now.
I think I understood what you were saying, although I didn't know it related to To clarify, when I said it was self protection that you were saying "I should be able to fulfill all of my emotional needs myself." it was the ALL that stuck out.
Have you talked to him about this? At a time when you aren't feeling bad so you can have a calm conversation. He might have some suggestions on how you can find balance.
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Post by Edge on Dec 8, 2014 0:02:26 GMT 8
Regardless of whether it's personal or not, I have no use for people who don't like me enough to say "hi" once in awhile. I definitely wouldn't consider them a friend or anyone worth having emotions for.
Yeah, if I can fulfill all of my own needs, then no one will be able to affect me, so in a way, it is protection, but it is also very unhealthy to rely on anyone for anything.
I've tried a few times, but I don't think he gets it. He doesn't really say much and I have no idea what he thinks of it. Most likely, he's going to do what everyone does and suddenly tell me what a horrible person I am and that he hates me because I'm "always" this way (whether I am or not) and I talk too much about my problems.
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Post by Deleted on Dec 8, 2014 2:14:34 GMT 8
I suspect that I get that to some extent, I definitely feel cut off from people if they aren't physically there. Like they actually stop existing if I can't see them, which means I don't miss them, so I'm totes capable of not seeing someone for years and picking up where we left off. I really have no idea how to go about fixing it tho. Ah. I'm the opposite. I think I stop existing to people when they can't see me, that they don't miss me, and that they don't care about me. When people stop talking to me for months, I write them off as having abandoned me. It might be down to the fact that when I detach from things, it's the world that isn't real, but my partner, when they detach feel that it's them that isn't real. Maybe I'm just a narcissist .
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