Don't know how to figure this out

[Deleted]

Dec 9, 2014 7:24:16 GMT 8 @dreadfaery said:

Ain't nothin wrong with being slutty.

LOL. Well then I cain't (not a typo just the southern accent) be wrong then.  So that means I'm always right.  I keep telling everyone that but they just don't believe me.

[Edge]

I'm not in a romantic relationship for sex. I would be happy to be in a romantic relationship without sex.

For me, after my last break up, I decided I would never care about anyone again and I would never let anyone be that much a part of my life ever again. They are never worth it. I may have had fun during part of it, but for a lot of it, I was terrified of what he would do to me and our son (for good reason). Most of my relationships end up like that. Most of my friendships end just as badly. Even the ones that aren't so bad end because I am worthless to them (there isn't much room for error there since it usually involves not talking to me anymore because I won't have sex with them).
Keeping that in mind, how do you have fun and let loose?
Clearly, I've lost my conviction and am being weak because I keep wanting him to be worth it. Which is the problem because I keep wanting the relationship to work. So I keep wanting affection and attention from him and panic at any sign that he's pulling away from me. I don't know how to stop in any way that could make the relationship work.

[Deleted]

Dec 9, 2014 7:28:08 GMT 8 Shan said:

Dec 9, 2014 7:24:16 GMT 8 @dreadfaery said:

Ain't nothin wrong with being slutty.

 Lol skater girl? Do you prefer a long board? Ok I'm being naughty...

ooooohhh bad auntie, bad.  Now instead of a long leash, i need to use a short one for you

oh oh

oh my

[Deleted]

it was a bit of a derail.

My last long term relationship, which lasted which lasted 7 years, I got trapped in a toxic, and highly co-dependent relationship. We hated each other by the end, but felt trapped because we each thought that the other was the only person that would ever understand us. Throw into the fact she was emotionaly abusive and manipulative and you have a relationship that at best could be described as stormy, and at worst abusive, so I was pretty much broken by the end of it.

I used to fantasise about not needing her, but could never actually find a way to leave her. I'm not even sure if this is relevent, but if feels like a similar thing. I know certainly that my fear of being rejected leads me to end up in toxic relationships. Hell even my current relationship might be like that but we're very open about our fuck ups and it seems to work because our whole relationship is founded on the belief that just because you love someone at any given moment, doesn't mean that yu always will, and we're very open and honest about that.

[Edge]

Er... "Love the one you're with" is kind of odd advice considering that's the problem. I shouldn't love anyone. It makes me unstable.

[Deleted]

Dec 11, 2014 1:26:49 GMT 8 Edge said:

Er... "Love the one you're with" is kind of odd advice considering that's the problem. I shouldn't love anyone. It makes me unstable.

Edge. If you can't love the one you're with then the one you're with can't love you then it isn't worth the time or effort.

Oh Edge. I am actually in tears reading your post. You deserve to be loved and you deserve to love. Love shouldn't make you unstable. When you find the right person then they should give you strength and you give them strength and then it is just you two against the world. It should be like two peices of the puzzle being put together and a feeling of connection. It should complete you and you them.

Look Edge my friend, I am 47 and haven't found that true love yet. I will never give up because he or she is out there somewhere., I never give up. I may give in and that may make me a little slutty buyt who cares? I don't. I may have found them in the past and it they will come back. I may know him now and it will grow. You can't rush it. I've told you many times you are probably one of the strongest persons I have ever had the pleasure of knowing.

[Deleted]

Dec 11, 2014 1:26:49 GMT 8 Edge said:

Er... "Love the one you're with" is kind of odd advice considering that's the problem. I shouldn't love anyone. It makes me unstable.

But then stupid pheremones make wizzing noises in your brain and you can't help the way you feel.

The only thing I can think of is to be honest bordering on blunt. Both me and my partner have serious mental health issues, she's schizo-affective, i'm borderline and we both deal with major depressive disorder, and yes, there are times when both of us get unstable and it's because we're in a relationship. But we entered into a relationship built on the concept of there being no lies, no expectations and no promises. It's weird, if i was trying to pretend that this relation ship will last till death do us part, i would be screaming in side, but I'm not, because I know that if I wake up and I don't love them anymore that I can leave. We're both poly, and are free to kiss, flirt with and fuck everyone except mutual friends and each others exes. On paper our relationship looks unstable as hell and hellishly co-dependent, but because it's built on pretty brutal honesty it actually seems to work.

[Deleted]

Dec 11, 2014 7:42:09 GMT 8 @dreadfaery said:

Dec 11, 2014 1:26:49 GMT 8 Edge said:

Er... "Love the one you're with" is kind of odd advice considering that's the problem. I shouldn't love anyone. It makes me unstable.

But then stupid pheremones make wizzing noises in your brain and you can't help the way you feel.

The only thing I can think of is to be honest bordering on blunt. Both me and my partner have serious mental health issues, she's schizo-affective, i'm borderline and we both deal with major depressive disorder, and yes, there are times when both of us get unstable and it's because we're in a relationship. But we entered into a relationship built on the concept of there being no lies, no expectations and no promises. It's weird, if i was trying to pretend that this relation ship will last till death do us part, i would be screaming in side, but I'm not, because I know that if I wake up and I don't love them anymore that I can leave. We're both poly, and are free to kiss, flirt with and fuck everyone except mutual friends and each others exes. On paper our relationship looks unstable as hell and hellishly co-dependent, but because it's built on pretty brutal honesty it actually seems to work.

To put it bluntly, love is an insanity all it's own. Is there such a thing as a stable relationship? I mean temptation is always there. The Divorce rate for marriage is roughly 50%. So being in a relationship really defies all logic, but love isn't really logical though. So it truly is special but ou have to find love. I mean I can find temtation or one night stands anywhere but someone that wants to stick it out with you is pretty special.

[Edge]

The problem is I do love him. That doesn't mean he loves me.
"Should" is an odd word. What does it mean exactly? I "shouldn't" react the way I do. But I do and there are many valid explanations for why I do. Neither am I able to wave a magic wand and suddenly make those valid explanations go away. So what does "should" mean?
If someone sticks it out with me, it's usually along with emotional abuse at least. Invariably, people always try to treat me as if I'm inferior and try to convince me I am. They "shouldn't," but they do. It's not the first time I've been with someone who I felt connected to, like we fit together, and like we made each other stronger. He changed and did things like threaten to kill me, put his fist through the bedroom door, set the carpet on fire, use my triggers specifically to try to hurt and control me, and other things. So even though it can feel like it "should," that doesn't mean it's any less dangerous.
Also, looking for someone to complete oneself is unhealthy and makes for an unhealthy relationship. If one doesn't already complete oneself when one gets into a relationship, one shouldn't be in one.

Yeah, I'm trying the same thing, Dreadful Faery. I'm borderline, he has anxiety and depression, and we're both abuse survivors. So I'm as brutally honest as I can possibly be about my issues and he's mostly honest about his issues (as far as I can tell).
Some things don't occur to me though. Earlier today, he got himself some food without asking me if I wanted any. This is after I've asked him if he wants food and offering to pay for his every time I come over and we eat. I pointed this out. To my surprise, he got all upset with himself because he screwed up. It honestly never occurred to me that he'd be upset with himself about it. I'm so used to people being upset with me for daring to complain and act like I'm their equal.

[Taka]

if he got upset with you, it would be a sign of a potentially very abusive personality.
he'd be just like my mother...
him getting upset with himself at least means he's something different from anyone you've dated before.
you seem to be expecting abuse. that's noy a good expectation to bring into a relationship.
being aware of the danger signs is one thing, constantly scanning for them will exhaust both you and him.
there are people who have gotten pretty screwed up by dating an abuse survivor, because they've felt pressured to act abuse in order to prove their love.
one thing is being honest. that's a normal and good thing in a relationship. some privacy is alao normal, you should be able to keep a secret diary or have secrets with your friends.
but another thing is knowing in which areas you can be unreasonable.
if your disorder is caused by abuse, then certain behaviors and expectations are too.
they may not have anything to do with current reality. a new boyfriend is new. comparing him to previous ones is unfair, you'll always manage to find something wrong about him that way.

i can find a whole lot of wrong about shan here. they remind me about my mother, and my mother is very wrong in way too many ways.
but asking about the things that make me too suspicious clears up that it's just a misunderstanding. it's similar only on the outside.

[Deleted]

it feel a bit like a trust issue from what you say. Like you have a bit of doubt that he's being as honest with you as you are with him. I know I have a tendency to play the guilt card - it's how my ex manipulated me - but Taz just tells me to quit it with the pity party and that I fucked up, she's accepted my apology and to just get on with things. That pulls me up short and makes me aware of my manipulative BS.

[Edge]

In his case, being upset with himself really is part of his issues and not meant as a manipulative ploy. I've seen him get in the same mood for forgetting his keys.
It's not so much that I doubt he's being honest. I think he is. It's just that I am not 100% sure because I am not in his head. Same as he's not sure about me because he's not in my head. I am, however, sure about me because I am in my own head. That's not any more of a discrepancy than anyone else. I'm just more honest about it than most people.

Ok I'm going to try to keep my temper, but you really don't get it, Taka.
Pretty much everyone I have come into contact with (with the exception of the past year or so) has been abusive. Yes, pretty much everyone. That's friends, family, boyfriends, acquaintances, pretty much anyone I've had contact with. Yes, I'm expecting everyone to turn out to be the same as everyone else I've met. Not because I'm scanning them for signs, but because it really doesn't occur to me that people could be any other way. I've been getting a bit better over the past year, but telling me to stop expecting the reality I've continuously experienced is like telling someone who has always seen grass as green, brown, or yellow that they should expect it to be bright purple with blue and pink polka dots. It's offensive, frustrating, and makes me feel like I'm banging my head against a wall.
That said, yes, I know the signs and, no, I don't tolerate abuse towards me. I may not scan for them, but I can pick up on them.
Everyone who knows me knows that I don't tolerate abuse towards myself. He'd have to be a complete idiot to have missed all the times I outright told him as well as times when it was very clear.
Not to mention the "proving one's love" by abusing thing is a bs excuse a lot of abusers use to both make themselves look like the victim and to blame their targets.
There's a difference between being honest and having no secrets. I never said I had no secrets. I said I'm brutally honest.
I do know areas where I am unreasonable. I have been honest about them to him.
I am aware that behaviours and expectations are caused by abuse. I am not a complete moron. Those behaviours and expectations are also known as symptoms of my disorder.
I am aware that comparing him to other people (not just boyfriends) is unfair. I also know that, due to my history, there are times when I can't help it because it feels like a matter of personal safety. He also knows this since I explained it to him very clearly and honestly.


So basically, what I'm getting is that I should never be in a relationship and there is no way I can make this relationship work. Well, *#&$. I was kind of hoping there was some answer on how to fix the craving attention thing aside from cutting myself off from someone I love and being alone forever.

[Deleted]

Life is a sequence of temporary measures. What you need now, is more than likely not what you'll need tomorrow. If you feel that being in a relationship is not what you need right now, then you probs shouldn't be in a relationship. But that doesn't mean that things will always be that way, just because you feel you need to be alone doesn't mean that you will need to be alone in the future.


Typing while pissed is hard.

[Edge]

You misunderstand me. I very much want to be in my relationship right now. I very much want it to work out. Hence why I was asking for help trying to figure out how to not need so much affection and attention. But no one has a clue and all I keep reading is how relationships with me are doomed.

[Deleted]

Sorry, I really didn't mean to imply that all you relationships are doomed, rather that they are by there nature non permanent and that's okay. I know that I find it super hard to maintain the facade of a forever relationship, which is what we're all condition to believe love should be. You meet your one true love and soulmate and your with them for the rest of your life. That freaks me the fuck out, and I can get all kinds of crazy, and quite clingy as well. It may be that you are in a similar headspace at the moment.

My relationships don't deal in expectations of undying love or promises of a similar nature. Some my think it cold, but it seems to work for me.