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Post by Edge on Dec 14, 2014 0:33:12 GMT 8
Ok. I keep reading about how this relationship is doomed. I don't expect undying love. (Although, that said, there is a middle ground between undying love and apathy.) I'm just trying to find a way to not crave affection and attention.
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Post by Deleted on Dec 14, 2014 1:09:32 GMT 8
I think the fact that you're thinking about it is good, just don't over think it. Probably telling you the obvious with that. For what it's worth I think you'll be okay.
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Post by Taka on Dec 15, 2014 5:31:22 GMT 8
i never managed to get any psychiatric diagnose. and i'm not youedge, so i hope you can find it in you to forgive a whole lot of idiocy for as long as i'm trying to figure out rather than actually meaning to offend. i'll willingly admit i can be insensitive at times, and i unfortunately seem unable to control it well. pms'ing on a waning moon makes me unable to feel love for anyone other than my daughter, as she is the only one who has a right to it without earning it.
even though i don't understand your specific issues, and even less how well you know your own psyche, i at least understand a little bit about trust issues. but it's not another person's love i don't trust, i believe love can be experiemced in many differemt ways, and is probably true if the person says it's there. but i have no trust whatsoever for good intentions or doing things in someone else's best interest. as soon as people start expressing good intentions, i put up spiky impenetrable shields. love holds no worth to me, only actions do, and words. people are way too good at using the wrong words. nothing ever hurt me as much as good intentions. i'd rather have a love tgat asks me what i want and tells me what thwy want. to be sure that intentions aren't wild guesses based on the wrong person's experience.
i've been single for ten years. tried some relationship thingy, but it didn't even start properly before it stopped working. it doesn't seem very responsible to get together with someone who manages to push the wrong buttons, even if their intentions are good it could still make me want to kill them long before the end.
a story with no point. take it whichever way you want.
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Post by Edge on Dec 18, 2014 22:50:03 GMT 8
I also don't like wild guesses with good intentions. I don't like when people make assumptions about me. They tend to tell me how they think I am as if they're right instead of asking and it pisses me off when they're wrong or when they're repeating something really obvious. Which is pretty much all of the time be cause people can't seem to comprehend that I know myself exceedingly well and am not stupid. Or, in the case of my mom, they're abusive, but I highly doubt she ever had good intentions and am pretty sure she's just a manipulative, spineless @!%$#.
He doesn't love me. He's told me he doesn't love me now, but hopes to eventually. It's only been a little under six months. Only reason I'm so fast is because I get stronger emotions than most people.
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Post by Taka on Dec 19, 2014 1:16:27 GMT 8
i'm really sorry about my assumptions, edge. i don't mean to make them sound that way, but some odd wrong about me that makes me phrase assumptions the wrong way. it's supposed to be a question, but i forget to write it like one.
at least my intentions aren't "good". i'm just throwing out assumptions in an insensitive way, though meaning to ask if my thinking is anywhere near the point. with you, it usually isn't. i find that kind of amusing, makes me glad to have met you. a color that i don't know from before and have difficulties defining. i really should study communication from a more logical standpoint so i can make it work even when i've misplaced my empathetic skills somewhere.
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Post by Edge on Dec 19, 2014 2:31:36 GMT 8
English is also not your first language right? It makes sense that wording things would be difficult. Sorry I should learn to be more patient.
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Post by Taka on Dec 19, 2014 3:29:06 GMT 8
nah, it doesn't upset me much. just makes me scratch my head trying to figure out what exactly went wrong. i'm a little bad at communication, learned a form of irony/sarcasm that is impossible to convey in writing as such too. people take me seriously even when i speak, because intonation just doesn't give any cues. it's also mostly my fault when i make mistakes, i know english well enough that i should be able to write it correctly. it's cultural and individual differences that keep getting in the way.
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Post by Deleted on Dec 23, 2014 7:11:08 GMT 8
Dear Edge. You know what and how I think of you. I know your temper and I will endure your wrath. You can curse at me, you can cuss me you can insult me. You can also cry on my shoulder or I will listen. But... I'll still love you and be friends with you.
Doomed? Maybe not. But the truth is hon, sometimes two people aren't meant for each other. I know. Been there and on both sides of it. The whole question and forget about the craving for attention and affection. What do you feel? Sweetie, you can't change your nature and you can't change his either. Like I said, no BS from me and no love conquers all. The big question is how do you feel about it? What do you think? The honest truth from me is that sometimes when someone says they don't or can't love you right now, they may never. I'm sorry. Don't try to figure it out, just go with your feelings. There are guys out there just waiting for you to come in their lives.
I speak from experience, maybe way too much so. But don't waste your time. If he says he can't love you now then show him how easy it is for you to be gone. Relationships come and go and there is always someone around the corner maybe someone you least expect. Yeah I am extremely jaded but still believe there is someone for everyone and move on if you aren't getting what you want from a relationship.
Sorry hon to be so blunt. Please forgive me but I am your friend and ain't gonna' lie to you. I also won't paint a pretty picture because you deserve more. You deserve that attention and affection. That last post hurt me and put tears in my eyes. You deserve more.
Again, so sorry.
Jamie
PS. There is someone out there. It's just a matter of finding them and being compatible with them.
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Post by Edge on Dec 23, 2014 14:15:05 GMT 8
Ok. I seem to be speaking a different language than other people. At least, I hope so because, otherwise, people are doing this on purpose. To clarify and I repeat: -We actually have a pretty good relationship. I said my past relationships have been bad. Not that my present one is. -We've only been dating less than six months. Not loving me yet is not a red flag. Especially since we both agreed when we started dating (and still agree) that we want to take it slow. Also, if anyone wants my advice, don't date someone who tells you they love you too fast. That's a huge warning sign of future abuse that is recognized not only by me, but also by domestic violence support workers. (And, no, I definitely do not deserve that.) -He never said he can't love me neither did I say or imply anywhere that he did. He said he hopes to love me eventually and very much thinks he will. He wouldn't be dating me otherwise (and, yes, he said and I'm not just relying on logic since I know not everyone has it). Currently, I am very special to him and he cares for me deeply. I know this both because he told me and because I can see it in his eyes and smile. I am perfectly fine with this and think dumping him because just because that's not fast enough for someone who is not me would be be throwing away a good relationship for no reason. -The ridiculous amount of affection and attention I crave is unhealthy, causes me pain, is a symptom of my disorder and effects of my experiences, not who I really am or want to be, and I'm disappointed in myself. Can someone please listen to me and believe me for once instead of telling me it's fine for me to be unhealthy and that I deserve to be? Because that actually really hurts both because not believing me is invalidating and one of my triggers and also because it's essentially telling me I deserve to be in pain. -I also want to make in clear in case people are getting the wrong impression that I am the one who sees it as a problem. -Seeing as the unhealthy craving for constant attention is causing me issues and asking for advice about it is the whole reason I started this thread, I don't appreciate to be told to forget about it. -I am not trying to change either of our natures. I like both our natures and don't want them to change. -I never said I'm not getting what I want out of this relationship. I have not brought that subject up at all on the forum, neither do I want to, and neither should I because that is our business and it's personal. -Again, I am not an idiot. If I don't get what I need out a relationship (which includes needing the other person not to encourage unhealthy behaviour, btw), I leave it and he is aware of this.
This is the honest truth about what I think and feel. Now, does anyone have any advice on what I actually asked for or do people keep wanting to make false assumptions about me and my relationship?
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Post by EchelonHunt on Dec 23, 2014 15:05:15 GMT 8
Victor,
About the unhealthy craving for constant attention or affection, there is a way to catch yourself before you fall into the trap of those thoughts and feelings. Having a diary can help with this immensely, writing down your feelings over the day and after a week or so, a pattern should emerge. For me, when I begin to desire affection or attention in an unhealthy manner, I find this occurs when I am feeling lonely and insecure with myself - this usually happens at times when I am alone at home. It also happens when I begin to form an unhealthy emotional connection to a friend. (These are my experiences and are in no way implicating that you experience the same things.)
Since catching this pattern, in my scenario, I make sure I am not alone or if I am alone, to not let myself feel lonely so I would occupy myself with playing games or doing something productive with my hands (sewing, drawing, etc.). In the second scenario, I distance myself from the friend, I will still talk to them but I will make sure I don't talk to them, for example, everyday. It is difficult to do but it is possible to pull off. Sadly, in the latter scenario, I ended up losing that person as a friend. Just as well, it caused a lot of pain and I have learned not to get so emotionally connected to others... as a result, I end up feeling detached and personally, this is a much preferred alternative because it will lessen the chances of me experiencing the unhealthy obsession for affection/attention and also very painful emotions from being rejected or cut off suddenly from said person. It saves the intense discomfort of the person on the other end who doesn't want the emotional connection in the first place. (Again, these are my experiences and in no way am I implicating or assuming you feel the same way.)
But for you, breaking the relationship off isn't a solution to the problem, nor is it a desirable outcome for either of you. Having a diary will still help for you to pick up on those moments where you are feeling those unhealthy desires. Once the pattern is evident, you can begin to put coping methods in their place to alleviate the disruptive feelings and thoughts. It will take time and patience but eventually, just like I was able to, you should be able to re-learn and replace those thoughts/feelings with something less likely to detrimental to your mental health in the long run.
I hope this helps.
Kind regards
Jacey
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Post by Edge on Dec 24, 2014 3:10:10 GMT 8
Thanks, Jacey for listening, believing me, and for the advice. For me, I find I constantly crave cuddles when I'm around him. It's like... I feel very cold all the time and it doesn't always bother me or I don't notice. (Also, I like being cold.) But when I'm around him, I notice how cold I am and want to feel warm. Attention from him and being cuddled by him makes me feel warmer. Or like there's this big hole in me that I've had before I met him, but I didn't notice it as much before. I do love myself, so I know it's not that. It's more like loneliness and he gives me hope that I won't be lonely anymore. Like when I realized I was trans and could transition, the dysphoria got worse. Unfortunately, there's a healthy balance of attention, affection, and still remaining two functional people who care about each other and then there's unhealthily clinging to someone and thus crippling the relationship and making both people unhappy. In terms of actions, I think I've been doing pretty good at keeping that balance, but I am worried that these emotions will get the better of me if I don't get them under control.
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Post by EchelonHunt on Dec 24, 2014 10:25:20 GMT 8
If you haven't already, have you discussed boundaries with him? This can also be helpful since the both of you would like to pursue the relationship at a slow pace, boundaries can help with keeping the slow pace and also letting you know when to give him space if he feels you may be coming on too strongly, for a lack of a better sentence. There's a chance your partner may know or might've picked up on subconscious cues from your body language or perhaps changes in your mood when you fall into the trap of the disruptive thoughts/feelings. Does he know about your issues?
If you're open about your stance on these feelings, this is only a suggestion - he can help you with them, two heads are better than one after all! It can be a teamwork effort to help one another out and as progress develops, such as you being able to reach that state of consistently maintaining the balance with the emotions under control, there could be a sense of accomplishment that the both of you succeeded in tackling this problem together as a couple and that it has brought the two of you closer than ever before.
Or if this is something you would like to work on by yourself without your partner getting involved, that is OK too.
If you've been doing a pretty good job of maintaining that balance, it can be helpful to keep reminding yourself of that whenever you find yourself worried that your emotions will get the better of you. Since you feel you've been maintaining the balance fairly well, it must mean you have some control over your emotions happening
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Post by Edge on Dec 24, 2014 13:38:57 GMT 8
Yeah, we've talked about it. He knows that I think I crave attention and cuddles too much and has agreed to let me know if I'm being clingy. I've been open and honest about my issues (sometimes brutally). This is something I feel I need to work on myself. Thanks.
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Post by Edge on Dec 26, 2014 4:21:25 GMT 8
Once again, it seems there is some sort of language barrier. -I am the one who sees a problem with it. I means me. Not him. -I am not denying my desires. There is a huge, much healthier middle ground between completely denying all affection and clinging to the other person to the point where we can't do anything else. I am aiming for the middle ground. -As someone who does have a very good understanding of myself, I am also aware of which bars are too high. This one is not and I would be holding myself back if I told myself it was. Not to mention, I have zero respect for weaklings who can't deal with their issues. I don't take kindly to people questioning whether I am one. -We clearly have very different definitions of brutal honesty. For one, I have no idea where anyone would get the idea that words "accept or begone" have anything to do with this topic. In fact, as I've said, I made it clear to him that I do not want him to accept unhealthy behaviour. What I meant by brutal honesty was that I don't sugar coat anything. I don't because that would interfere with my ability to be completely honest and he deserves that honesty. -Not sugar coating anything does not mean that I didn't explain it in a gentle and loving way. -People who have never met my boyfriend should not assume how he reacts to things. Especially when they're trying to tell me how he reacts to things when I already know because we've already had these conversations. Your assumptions are wrong. Please, cut it out because that is really annoying. -As I have said several times in this thread, I have no plans to abandon him and very much don't want to.
Now, for the last time, can the people who don't bother listening to me and who would rather make false assumptions go troll elsewhere?
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Post by Deleted on Dec 29, 2014 8:28:56 GMT 8
Edge, I'd really like to apologise if I in anyway misrepresented what you wrote and caused offense.
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