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edge
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Genderfluid
He/His/Him
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Post by Edge on Dec 8, 2014 3:37:53 GMT 8
Oh I very much think I'm real. I am never not real to me and I always care about myself. I just think everyone else stops caring about me.
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Post by Taka on Dec 8, 2014 21:04:53 GMT 8
i have no idea how you're feeling, edge, but it sound like it's terrible.
i can take breaks from pretty much anything. for a long time. and it seems i expect the world to be just like a book. the same when i come back to it, even if the last time i read from it was over a year ago.
i have friends who matter a whole lot, that i still don't talk to all that often. one of them got a boyfriend and now it's months between each time we manage to meet for long enough to talk. but our friendship is still there and still the same. i never feel like i've disappeared to him, or he's disappeared from my world.
boyfriends are different, but the one i had seemed to be struggling with a lot of the same as you. at least he was very attention craving. never trusted my love if i didn't express it at least twice a day, and of course expressed it a hundred times himself... he had more problems than just that though, so the relationship didn't last very long.
telling my story from the other side, it's frustrating and hurtful when someone doesn't seem able to trust my feelings. whether expressed or not, they're real until i say they're gone. this is something that needs fixing, but i have no idea how. it's a good first step though, to realize that this is a problem, and something needs to be done about it.
would it perhaps help if you examine your own feelings a little? if he feels the same love for you as you do for him (just assuming), what are his feelings like? do they just go away? do they disappear the moment you walk out the door? do your own feelings just suddenly disappear this way?
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Post by Deleted on Dec 8, 2014 21:38:06 GMT 8
I really don't know what to say that others haven't said already.
I will use myself as an example. I don't need anyone either. I could go a year or more without even interacting with another person. I have spent so many holidays alone. It never bothered me when others it brings way down. I could live hundereds of miles from the nearest neighbor and I would be alright. That isn't really possible in todays world because we do have to eat and take care of business and other things but you get the gist of what I am trying to say.
But when I'm with someone, I crave that attention. It is nice to feel like you need someone even if you don't. It is nice to feel needed even if you aren't. It is nice to have someone that cares about you and caring about someone else. Vulnerabilty is not a bad thing with someone you are intimate with. That vulnerability also leads to deeper intamacy between two people. So it makes me feel a little weak, even though I know I'm not, when I want that attention. When I get it, it is so special. If I don't I try to make them feel special. The only problem is that not everyone shows emotions the same way.
Craving and wanting attention from someone special in your life does not in any way make you weak or vulnerable. Humans are social creatures after all and some of us are more social than others. If it does become an obsession then it becomes an unhealthy issue. But just wanting and craving attention, feeling vulnerable to the one you care about and wanting their attention seems completely normal to me. Now if you tie the person up and force that person to give you the attention you want or taze them until they do. That is not normal.
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FTM Non-Binary
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Post by Edge on Dec 9, 2014 0:34:18 GMT 8
i have no idea how you're feeling, edge, but it sound like it's terrible. i can take breaks from pretty much anything. for a long time. and it seems i expect the world to be just like a book. the same when i come back to it, even if the last time i read from it was over a year ago. i have friends who matter a whole lot, that i still don't talk to all that often. one of them got a boyfriend and now it's months between each time we manage to meet for long enough to talk. but our friendship is still there and still the same. i never feel like i've disappeared to him, or he's disappeared from my world. boyfriends are different, but the one i had seemed to be struggling with a lot of the same as you. at least he was very attention craving. never trusted my love if i didn't express it at least twice a day, and of course expressed it a hundred times himself... he had more problems than just that though, so the relationship didn't last very long. telling my story from the other side, it's frustrating and hurtful when someone doesn't seem able to trust my feelings. whether expressed or not, they're real until i say they're gone. this is something that needs fixing, but i have no idea how. it's a good first step though, to realize that this is a problem, and something needs to be done about it. would it perhaps help if you examine your own feelings a little? if he feels the same love for you as you do for him (just assuming), what are his feelings like? do they just go away? do they disappear the moment you walk out the door? do your own feelings just suddenly disappear this way? It is terrible. From my side, it is far more frustrating, hurtful, and terrifying when someone insists that I have to trust them and I should trust them and I try very hard to only to find out that I was right all along and that the reason they wanted me to trust them was so that they could hurt me. I also have no ability to shut off this terror since it's very much ingrained and, according to everything I've experienced, extremely rational. As far as I'm concerned, if someone who would ask to me to pretend otherwise, then they clearly don't care about me. Luckily, the person I'm with right now understands to an extent. I examine my own feelings plenty. He doesn't feel the same love for me as I do for him. I have no idea what his feelings are like, but I do know he doesn't love me. I would assume so, yes, if they existed at all. It's more likely that they don't exist at all. No, but I've always been different from other people. Expecting other people to be like me just leads to disappointment. Vulnerability and weakness are not feelings I can tolerate regardless of how human they are.
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Post by Deleted on Dec 9, 2014 0:44:00 GMT 8
I've been following this and wonder if perhaps some of what you and Taka have just said hasn't affected my own life all along, but being male socialized perhaps I've just dealt with it differently and put up a different facade because of it. Interesting conversation Edge!
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Post by Taka on Dec 9, 2014 2:20:48 GMT 8
i seem to relate differently to men and women. tje feelings i have are different, the possessiveness i feel is not the same. when i think about it, what you're describing might be more similar to how i'd feel about a woman. you were talking about boyfriends though, so i forgot to think about the other side of it...
if that's what it's like, then i can only wish you luck. i have no idea where balance is, only solution for me is to distance myself emotionally or build a relationship that is based on something different from romantic feelings.
it's seriously annoying to feel like two different persons. my answers are never right when i just think about it...
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Post by Deleted on Dec 9, 2014 6:04:39 GMT 8
Don't use me as a model Julie. I used to be really bad. I used to be extremely jealous, totally non trusting, really clingy and all of that. And then when the other person got a little too close and started wanting to take things a little farther with commitment I would get scared and run. Then one day figured it wasn't worth all the headache and heartache for me or the other person. It most definately wasn't healthy for the realtionship. I don't even know how I changed it other than just convincing myself that if it isn't good for me I'll just walk away and if it isn't good for them, let them walk away. Then the jealousy dissappeared, I started trusting the other person. Still scared of the three words though but decided that I could hear them and say them and mean them with feelings behind them even if it didn't last forever. Then relationships became so much more meaningful. The number one thing is that two people have to be compatible with one another or it won't last forever. But really, forever will take care of itself and just have fun and enjoy the one you're with right now. Yeah I know it sounds a little slutty. :-[ But I ain't no angel. 8-) Eveyone should know this by now.
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Post by Edge on Dec 9, 2014 6:14:36 GMT 8
Yeah I know it sounds a little slutty. lol If that's slutty, I'd hate to think what you'd think of my history. How do you stop being afraid of them walking away or of having to walk away? Yeah I have trouble figuring out how to be independent and care about another person at the same time since I have trouble with being needy and clingy when I care about people. Even just as friends which is why I don't care about any of my friends. I can't not care about him though. Which obviously makes me disgusted with myself.
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Post by Deleted on Dec 9, 2014 6:36:49 GMT 8
Yeah I know it sounds a little slutty. lol If that's slutty, I'd hate to think what you'd think of my history. How do you stop being afraid of them walking away or of having to walk away? Yeah I have trouble figuring out how to be independent and care about another person at the same time since I have trouble with being needy and clingy when I care about people. Even just as friends which is why I don't care about any of my friends. I can't not care about him though. Which obviously makes me disgusted with myself. You would really hate to know my history. :-[ But I will own it though. LOL. Look for a PM. Edge, Hon. If I knew, I would surely tell you. I think a lot of it has to do with age and experience in the game. One day it just hit me after a really sad breakup with someone that I loved and knew there was a chance I would never see again. When I wrote a letter, a friend wrote me back saying that the person had moved on to someone else and I expended all this energy, jealousy, caring, love and whatever else for what? For a while I held back scared of being hurt and little by little started to learn how to approach a relationship. What works and what don't. If it's any consellation I still haven't found what works. But I have fun and enjoy and let myself loose and still keep the mentallity of "If it's meant to be, it will be. If not I had a hell of a lot of fun and enjoyed every minute of it." And if we aren't compatable then one or the other just walk away. There will be others that I will fall in love with. There will be others that fall in love with me. Eventually we will find each other. That's the way it works.
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Post by Deleted on Dec 9, 2014 6:41:59 GMT 8
It always works best if it's not based entirely on sexual compatibility because eventually one gets to the point that BB King sings about when "The Thrill Is Gone."
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Post by Deleted on Dec 9, 2014 7:10:50 GMT 8
It always works best if it's not based entirely on sexual compatibility because eventually one gets to the point that BB King sings about when "The Thrill Is Gone." I agree totally. Sexual compatablilty only can be fun if you don't expect too much and willing to take the chances. But if you can be freinds and truly enjoy each other's company and the sex is good then that is a good thing. But the big question is can you be friends with this person without the sex? Anything can happen in life and one day the sexual aspect may not be there. Personally if I truly love someone, the sexual aspect is not important if something happened to them and they could not have sex ever again either by accident, health or psychological. Same way with being trans. If I truly loved them and we were friends, no way I would leave them for following their own heart. If I loved them then I would engourage them to follow their own hear and I would stick with them through thick and thin. But I'm trans and bi so how can it make a difference to me?
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Post by Deleted on Dec 9, 2014 7:19:03 GMT 8
Don't use me as a model Julie. I used to be really bad. I used to be extremely jealous, totally non trusting, really clingy and all of that. And then when the other person got a little too close and started wanting to take things a little farther with commitment I would get scared and run. Then one day figured it wasn't worth all the headache and heartache for me or the other person. It most definately wasn't healthy for the realtionship. I don't even know how I changed it other than just convincing myself that if it isn't good for me I'll just walk away and if it isn't good for them, let them walk away. Then the jealousy dissappeared, I started trusting the other person. Still scared of the three words though but decided that I could hear them and say them and mean them with feelings behind them even if it didn't last forever. Then relationships became so much more meaningful. The number one thing is that two people have to be compatible with one another or it won't last forever. But really, forever will take care of itself and just have fun and enjoy the one you're with right now. Yeah I know it sounds a little slutty. :-[ But I ain't no angel. 8-) Eveyone should know this by now. LOL, you talk so tough sweetie, but I know for sure there is a magical angel behind the metal and glam. "But I have fun and enjoy and let myself loose and still keep the mentallity of "If it's meant to be, it will be. If not I had a hell of a lot of fun and enjoyed every minute of it." And if we aren't compatable then one or the other just walk away. There will be others that I will fall in love with. There will be others that fall in love with me." And most everyone here has. J You think way too highly of me Julie. I am most definately not a good girl for sure. If everyone thought as highly of me as you I would have it made.8-)
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Post by Deleted on Dec 9, 2014 7:24:16 GMT 8
Ain't nothin wrong with being slutty.
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Post by Deleted on Dec 9, 2014 7:28:08 GMT 8
Ain't nothin wrong with being slutty. Lol skater girl? Do you prefer a long board? Ok I'm being naughty...
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Post by Deleted on Dec 9, 2014 8:06:09 GMT 8
I like it fast an rough an sweaty.
Sorry about bout the epic thread derail edge... Going back on topic. Any. Minute. Now.
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