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Post by Ativan Prescribed on Jun 20, 2022 5:09:25 GMT 8
It can be like any new experiences, once you are there you start to see things you never did before. Or like buying a different car, you suddenly see them all over the place. Its really common to then put yourself in others peoples lives by simply becoming aware of the things you simply didn't think about before. A lot of people are pretty amazed when they realize they are trans or NB, they begin to see others who are as well or at the least suspect them as being. It calms down after a while but you will see more in people than before regardless, its an eye opener for a lot of people. And then there are cis who discover some odd little thing that they think gives them great powers of being able to instantly see NB and trans and they begin to see them everywhere and it scares them. The effect of realization that virtually everyone is filled with traits of both sex's instead of binary thinking that they are this and they are that, it starts to scare them again into thinking that its a fast growing thing, then they become afraid. Its pretty much the same all over the world, the ratio of people who are trans and NB are about the same and it has always been like this, its the freedom of speech that more and more people are coming out or less afraid to express themselves. But sadly in this country the political system on the right has to sidetrack that they are basically been duped by the politicians so the politicians and a lot of religious leaders use trans and NB as a way to raise more money for their campaigns or simply to buy another personal jet. But really, Trans and NB are everywhere, some are very good at hiding it and are totally stealth, others struggle with being able to freely express themselves and still others are simply afraid to say or do anything and gee I wonder why when they are made out to be things the simply are not.
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Post by Trinity on Jun 20, 2022 10:28:08 GMT 8
Been feeling a little disoriented on the gender front lately, when I first realised I was non-binary I found myself usually feeling a sense of envy towards alot of transmascs' presentation but have recently started to have the same experience with women as well, with the enviousness being extremely prevalent when it comes to a new cis friend of mine. Not entirely sure what to make of the relatively sudden change, especially since I do still get these experience this from transmascs, so it's not a case of it changing from one to the other. I get this, especially the envy part, which for me moves to dysphoria and then bites down hard. However, I never get envious of the birth sex cis folk, nor any reverse dysphoria. It took a long time of living as me, and as different parts of me, immersively, full out sh'e trans and full out guy mode, full out androgyne.... its taken me this long, about ten years, to find the balance that feels like its the truth of it. That truth did involve transition in my case, but social transition has been different. I can go stealth in any gender, but less and less have been out presenting female. There are social pressures here, especially where I am, where it has become dangerous, again, to be trans. That extremely unhealthy environment messes with my gender perception and needs and mental health, its a difficult time for us. Right now I am fighting personally for my mental health state, I keep getting triggered by people that hate us. But that doesn't help you.... keeping a level head, feeling the feelings, paying attention to your gut, your soul, your core, that is very important as you find your way to what makes you happy.
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Post by Leena on Jun 20, 2022 22:38:08 GMT 8
I still sometimes do get envious of cis men. Not so much their bodies or presentation, but other things they have.
I feel a lot differently though about both cis men and cis women now than when I was pre-transition. I am mostly envious of things they both have and mostly seem to take for granted.
Envy kind of is a useless emotion though.
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Post by Trinity on Jun 22, 2022 10:18:36 GMT 8
Still feeling this shift thing where gender is really a very physical thing with me and the social stuff is remarkably different than that.
Never thought I'd see this day, really didn't. But still estrogen dependent and still shaving the legs, the dysphoria is a thing, but taken out pretty much by the estrogen and physical transition, living is just comfortable.
Go figure.
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Post by Leena on Jun 23, 2022 6:23:34 GMT 8
I still have mixed feelings on the social stuff. I really like it when I'm perceived as a woman, but it's very uncomfortable being perceived as obviously trans in a lot of situations. While I may pass sometimes presenting feminine, it happens more often when I present more masculine leaning, so I do wonder what I even gain by pushing it feminine.
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Post by Trinity on Jun 23, 2022 6:44:55 GMT 8
so I do wonder what I even gain by pushing it feminine. The big question.... There were definitely gains for me, when I lived it much of the time in NY. There's different advantages in everything. I just don't feel like pushing anything anymore, let the chips fall where they may, just want to relax. But I also don't give a crap if they know I am trans or not, if they have a problem with it then I have a problem with them at this point, meaning I don't care what their opinion is and they had best not mess with me, plus I won't want anything to do with them. But then again, I'm not reading trans trying to be stealth, because when I am stealth, I'm stealth until I open my mouth and that unmodded voice comes out. In support meetings, I am very clearly trans or trans nonbinary. But there were gains. Like the guy that gave me the flower that time on the street, and then was talking to some other guy about trans folk, he was totally clueless that I was trans. Or doors being held open, or that approving look of masculine interest from a guy. Its the way, when stealth, that I get treated, and the other thing is with my hair down so to speak, I am way more relaxed. That gets in the way with construction, where I need to take it on heavy and sometimes there I am stealth and sometimes not at all, but have that don't mess with me attitude, just an attitude that is like, I don't know, its just a way of being that shows that messing with it is just totally off the table don't do it get down to business instead professional. But def payoffs, if I was not married it would be a different kind of payoff and that is the root of some of my most painful dypshoria, where I am binary physicallly trans. On the other hand, I love being married and just not dealing with the trans stuff or being sh'e, is pretty easy and relaxed now, just not a thing anymore to keep it to androgynous clothes except not underthings, look under the hood and its sh'e body, androgyne by definition. Mid sixties though, and the support here helps too, a lot.
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Post by Ativan Prescribed on Jun 23, 2022 10:23:23 GMT 8
The more you push for feminine the more it can look like trans in some cases. I still think just being yourself and not being self conscious is the main thing. Take in stride unless someone is actually threatening, and the best defense is to say nothing and just stare them in the eye for a few seconds, I think about three seconds and then walk away from people who are rude and assholes is about it, don't confront them. Most of the people who are going out of their way to be assholes are doing just that, setting up a confrontation so they can go on and on and on about what they think, and really, who cares what an asshole thinks? They get physically threatening let them get in close and throat punch them or simply knee them in the crotch, but be ready to go all in if you are going to go in at all, otherwise just walk away and let them think deal with everyone around who thinks they are assholes as well.
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Post by Leena on Jun 24, 2022 8:24:02 GMT 8
It's funny how more feminine clothes can end up highlighting the parts of my body that are still pretty masculine and more masculine highlight the more feminine parts.
Although avoiding negative confrontation is something I want to do, that has so far been much less of a problem than I thought it would be, at least here in my somewhat liberal bubble. I haven't ventured too far out of it in a pretty long time now though, and looked a lot different the last time I did.
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Post by Ativan Prescribed on Jun 24, 2022 8:35:51 GMT 8
The point was to be comfortable to begin with. Confrontations can be very mild to wild, it depends on how you handle them entirely. But by far walking away from them pretty much bursts the bubbles of the ones who are doing it to prove a point, if the point isn't made, then whats their point?
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Post by Ativan Prescribed on Jun 24, 2022 8:39:30 GMT 8
Around here its the rural and a touristy sort of place and the woman look really out of place all dolled up in Barbie clothes, mostly they are just wearing whatever is comfortable, screw the fashion stuff. Easy to tell the summer people up here from the locals, they tend to stick out and look overly odd by trying to be fashionable, I mean if they really wanted to be fashionable, they would leave the city clothes at home and dress in the fashions that are local. Being dressed right is really a matter of being individual and yet not sticking out like a sore thumb, yah know?
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Post by Trinity on Jun 24, 2022 10:22:33 GMT 8
Being dressed right is really a matter of being individual and yet not sticking out like a sore thumb, yah know? Matter of having a certain style that makes you feel good, you like how you look, then others probably will too. I look different from a lot of people, but it looks totally natural on me, and because it does, it works, and might or might not slide under the radar. It's like for me, wear what you want to wear, if you like it, its yours, if someone else doesn't like it, well, that's their problem. Honestly, I am so glad I don't have to mess around with makeup and all that, sure I like eyeliner, but that's about it. Green Day does eyeliner in their boulevard of broken dreams, looks cool as heck. Be what you want, look how you want, it's creative individuality, if the Matrix can't handle it, well, who cares, thats a social construct and social taboos, I may not fully agree with gender as a social construct, but gender expression and gender rules sure are in my opinion, silly rules about this and that. The pics I have seen of you rock, Leena, and the ones from the later periods, there is a light in your eyes that wasn't there before, and I am glad to see it.
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Faithfully Married.
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Post by Trinity on Aug 20, 2022 8:58:09 GMT 8
Still rocking a full beard, had a meeting today that have allies in it, attended it in a black satin robe which shows I have the extras, though I didn't get a whole lot there over the years.
Blatant NB.
What took me be surprise a bit today was what feels like intersex qualities in me, whether from years of full HRT or born with extras, I couldn't say.
Physically on the sh'e side today, but still very nonbinary and nonconforming to any normal.
I have a lot of support in that particular meeting. Glad for it, need it.
Hoping folk are ok here, it's pretty quiet.
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Faithfully Married.
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Post by Trinity on Oct 14, 2022 9:40:36 GMT 8
Dysphoria is up a bit today, kind of surprises me, not that I need to shave or do those things, but shave my legs again maybe, chill out maybe, trouble is I have dialed it too far back for my wife to be comfortable around me expressing.
Nothing really serious, just an awareness of the body, which is whatever that is.
Unpredictable, this stuff with me.
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Post by Leena on Oct 15, 2022 9:00:59 GMT 8
When I was pre-everything, my dysphoria would go away for awhile and I thought I somehow found the cure by taking a new way of looking at things or whatever. Not sure if that's what you have been doing, but regardless, enjoy the breaks from it when you have them.
A lot of cis people unfortunately think if you can be OK with being your AGAB one day, it means you can be everyday, and that isn't really how it works.
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Post by Trinity on Oct 15, 2022 11:11:37 GMT 8
I've noticed that dysphoria and stress levels are somehow linked with me a bit. There was more too it than I thought.
Definitely nonbinary.
I have it tonight, it's uncomfortable.
Like being Bi, which I am, I made a choice when I got married and stuck to it, but never said it was an easy choice.
Dunno, I'm not as stable as I want to be right now, could be hormones, could be a lot of things. Stress levels are very high right now.
What I am not doing, and this is good, is hating the face in the mirror, I am ok with that. As well as a full hrt body, I'm ok with that too.
Going to be an interesting doctors appt soon. I still have my dysphoria letters for the hormones.
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