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Post by Leena on Jan 20, 2022 0:43:42 GMT 8
I'm kind of visibly trans no matter how I present. While I do sometimes get properly gendered, I am not gendered fairly often in situations I used to be. I might even get gendered as a woman more often when I present masculine.
I didn't expect to not really be able to pass as a guy, and not be 100% passing as a woman either. While this might be affirming if I were static nonbinary, that wasn't really where I ever was mentally pre-transition, and still isn't now. I fortunately don't get dysphoria from not being able to pass as a guy, but I wasn't really planning on being full time unless I was 100% passing and I didn't really consider what I'd do if I did not pass as either binary.
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Post by Ativan Prescribed on Jan 20, 2022 10:11:31 GMT 8
Just an estimation on my own warped observations, and depending on the age of people, only maybe half to three quarters of people 18 to fifty pass as the gender they are. Younger is easy to be confused and older is as well, about the only thing you have to really go by is the clothes and because there is so much crossover in styles and that, clothes are just a sorta indicator. I'm sure it is different in different places in the country and in different places around the world, but passing by looks alone is pretty hard to do for a pretty big portion of the population. Things like movement are telling, voice is kinda telling, I encounter women who have deeper voices than some men and the other way around, its an indicator and not a sure sign of gender. As much as people think they know others gender, and I'm sure they can place it say like three out of four times on a good average day, look around and you'll see plenty of people whose gender is not that straightforward. The real reason for this is that gender is often a fashion related thing, as in the industry having its say and therefore your say in what is this and what is that and people fall for this all day long. It generates this idea that gender is an actual biological thing among living things, its not... sex is to a point and even that is ill defined by its own definitions, gender is a social concept and construct. But it just gets to complicated for a lot of people, they want this short form answer to the question of gender on individual basis, people are just too fucking lazy to learn the more difficult definitions and constructs. To them a construct is the god given truth of anything and everything, but god has nothing to very little to do with it, its people forming opinions and groups accepting that opinion and larger groups declaring it the law of the land. For every person who thinks they can easily and 99% or more of the time be able to tell someone's gender in passing, they are one of the third of America's most gullible dimwitted and probably republicans out there, they are egocentric gullible fucks and dimwits, self centered assholes with their head stuck firmly up their ass. A normal sane person looks and can't decide and moves on because it has nothing to do with them and they have actual important things to do in life besides being a dumb assed bigot. Gender is a personal thing for each and every person, it cannot be determined by anyone else regardless of how much of a so called expert they claim to be with a special talent, they have that special talent of being a total jackass. Because it is a personal thing for each and every person, it can also change at any time and at any moment, it is not a static thing in the least, it is a personal point of view of the individual and nobody has a right to judge or question someone's personal decision of their gender, it belongs to them and them alone. I get so damn tired of hearing this fascist shit coming from the right that they think they need to regulate a person gender, that is no better than trying to regulate a persons soul, if anyone needs regulations its the assholes on the right, they need to be heavily regulated and they need to find a better purpose for living other than trying to fuck with someone's self defined and self generated sense of gender. Very basically they need a Thorazine dart to the forehead. They need help in terms of psychotherapy if they are expected to be able to walk among the rest of the people.
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Post by Leena on Jan 20, 2022 12:15:01 GMT 8
I guess it's the not ever knowing how I'll be perceived part that I haven't gotten totally used to. It hasn't helped that I've spent most of my transition in very little contact with anyone IRL. I feel like I will eventually get used to it, though I'm socially awkward in general now.
I do sometimes wonder how to differentiate what is my gender and what is my personal and professional style. That probably is a good topic for another thread.
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Post by Trinity on Jan 20, 2022 12:24:17 GMT 8
Most places I go, they know I am trans.
Going to theater gets weird in bathrooms, because I am NB presenting and the guys get really uncomfortable if I use the mens room, and I'm not presenting female, so no to the ladies room.
It's easier in some places to do the binary stealth thing. And if obviously presenting binary trans she, then even if not passing, the laddies room is pretty much expected. And you did electrolysis, I didn't.
Basically in that, if I go straight to a stall, and basically keep things played down, use some of the binary trans skills there, it works just fine.
I don't get male fail that much, but I sometimes do get very uncomfortable, because the body takes over and its very she
So it finally comes down to just doing it, braving through it, and there's some big rewards to that.
But like you said, everyone's experience is different. I know I'd be a lot more sh'e if I did not have family restraints on me. I just got used to it all.
Its a delicate balance though, doesn't take much to unbalance it and get dysphoric or depressed if someone gets on my back.
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Post by Trinity on Jan 20, 2022 12:25:48 GMT 8
I guess it's the not ever knowing how I'll be perceived part that I haven't gotten totally used to. It hasn't helped that I've spent most of my transition in very little contact with anyone IRL. I feel like I will eventually get used to it, though I'm socially awkward in general now. I do sometimes wonder how to differentiate what is my gender and what is my personal and professional style. That probably is a good topic for another thread. Sounds like a great thread, hope you launch it
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Post by Trinity on Jan 30, 2022 6:59:25 GMT 8
I went out food shopping today for the first time since before Christmas and that was one heck of a ride.
First of all my food bill doubled.
Second, there were tons of people there, and third, shelves were not full like usual, I got most of what I needed though
It was creepy and I started spiralling, it was a tough work week to begin with, and I was supposed to work all day today and here it is six oclock and nothing done for work and carrying one hell of a load at home, more help than normal though, a better day here today.
But stress levels for me are really high, life stuff, out of control no way anybody can do what I have to get done stuff.
Went in the attic and got some boy kind of clothes from pre transition, comfortable nylon or satin stuff, sleep shirts and that. I'm not wearing womens things at all today, that's a big deviation from the norm. Pretty comfortable really, and looking back at the whole path, there's a lot to see, its different now after ten years or so of transition. Right now I''m holding more or less level on the hormones, I did put away a bunch of girl robes and stuff, but not guaranteeing to anyone that I am going to detransition or get rid of anything, just that right at the moment, I like the haircut and I feel pretty ok most of the time.
When I focus on the core I feel ok.
But outside in the world, dysphoria did kick in, more sirs than ever, but I look that way anyway, sound that way, its that old look from the theater days and it generally shows a bit, kind of a presence thing I have naturally.
But I got jealous pretty fast of some of the women out there, and I don't actually know what that is, what that is. Normally when that comes up I just think, what are you worried about, you are just like them to, stop that.... today, not so much, body is like that though even though I'm small on top.
And now that I'm away from it, its not bothering me as much.
I'm just taking it a day at a time, not saying I am detransitioning, not saying I am not detransitioning. There's a lot of pressure from the family to detransition, but its unspoken except for my wife, she never wanted this.
So, just going with it right now, still.
How does my gender feel?
Like it used to before transition, before dysphoria got bad in my 50's, but its not the same because I refuse to get into that male personna thing, I'm just being right now, sorting it out.
I don't trust how I feel right now, but like I said in the blog that's hidden away, there has been some kind of change or shift, and its not a little one, its big, but I know it can all change on a dime.
Stress levels are way too high, I need to find a way to drop those down somehow.
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Post by Leena on Jan 30, 2022 10:02:54 GMT 8
When I focus on the core I feel ok. But outside in the world, dysphoria did kick in, more sirs than ever, but I look that way anyway, sound that way, its that old look from the theater days and it generally shows a bit, kind of a presence thing I have naturally. But I got jealous pretty fast of some of the women out there, and I don't actually know what that is, what that is. Normally when that comes up I just think, what are you worried about, you are just like them to, stop that.... today, not so much, body is like that though even though I'm small on top. And now that I'm away from it, its not bothering me as much. I've found that I sometimes feel ambivalent about gender when I'm at home, but that all changes when outside in the world.
I've thought I've had big shifts many times when I'm at home, and I've learned to not really expect that they'll last. I think my fluidity was mostly just me not wanting to be visibly trans in some situations. I care less and less about that since I've been out to my family. Them being less than supportive somehow made me not care much at all what anyone else's opinion is on me being trans.
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Post by Trinity on Jan 31, 2022 7:50:37 GMT 8
Well I went to the store and I went to the men's section today and that felt totally awkward. I definitely did not feel like I was in te right place for me. On the other hand, though I did like some of the things in the women's section, I didn't feel like I belonged there either.
I don't feel like I belong anywhere.
Resting watching football with stress levels totally redlined, was supposed to work today but just don't have it in me, I know I won't get through the week without some serious rest.
Dysphoria is pretty odd, I'm still ok with the guy in the mirror, and still ok with being physically androgyne in the medical sense of that.
I don't think anything really changed, just the choices I am makeing about some presentational type things, sure there's more energy that I have that typically is associated with male and I actualy enjoyed that today, the whole thing is no forcing anything at all for me.
So, not as comfortable today, wife is happier, and with the hell we are living through in general at home that is not a bad thing. Its just life stuff, but the powers still on, food in the fridge, a lot of things kind of falling apart, but its ok in general. What hurts me the most, other than the property management business being in utter disarray, is the daughters relationships, or lack thereof.
For tonight, I just want to try to get through the nfc championship, and try to crawl off the edge. There isn't a darn thing I can do about it anyway.
Yah doing this presentational detranssition or backing off for love, but also to recenter according to the core, I think the journey is just going on and I am finding deeper levels of who I am, trying to shed all self deception.
LOL my grandson said something about it today, said I got a haircut like his and I don't look like a girl anymore....
Most of the girl clothes are put aside right now. Not the underthings, they are still around, but mostly not wearing them.
I wonder where it is all going to lead. I don't have a clue, I do know that I am scared, like, really scared, not just on the gender thing, but on everything.
One of my adult daughters is moving out, she got a house. More change...
Oh well.
Yeah, it got strange at the store. Really felt totally out of place in there.
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Post by Ativan Prescribed on Jan 31, 2022 9:36:31 GMT 8
Presentation was a small concern for a while in my life, but trying to give an impression has always been one of those things that kinda turns me off, nice clothes are nice clothes, don't get me wrong. But its kinda like that person who wears to strong of perfume or cologne, it just has a stink to it after a certain point, or the person with the fast car who is always revving the engine, after a while it is just annoying noise. The immature person who wants you to be afraid of them because they are afraid of everything who openly carries guns to intimidate people, it doesn't, just makes them look like assholes. The asshole who goes out of their way to make sure everyone knows they are an asshole and yet gets little to no respect from people because why would an asshole get that? You know what gets the respect of most everyone else, showing that you respect them, it's just that fricken easy and yet its as if its a lost art form of some sort. It matters little who you are or what you do if there is a lack of respect from the world around you, its kinda written all over Bezo face that he knows no matter how much money he has, he has that much less respect from the world, rich means nothing if you don't do something with it. And then there is the ordinary person who comes across as extraordinary as a person because they will part with some of their wealth so others can be a little more comfortable, they seem to be able to garner much more respect than some asshole who has half the money in the world and wants you to think he is special, if your Bezo you end up with that perpetual deer in the headlight look because you can't hide the fact that as a person he is a failure regardless. After two years of covid bs, people are willing to cut others a break if they just cut them one, step one is to look at people, smile if you catch their eye, at the very least a nod of recognition that they are in this as well and have respect if they just give it. Respect is not earned, respect is given to those who give it just as freely, you can't earn respect if you never give respect to others. Don't be using presentation to direct others towards some direction you wish them to be going or coming from, be yourself and the directions become clear, this is the greatest failing of republicans, they demand respect and yet get none with the exception of others devoid of humanity themselves. Live your life for yourself and those around you, strive to step forward and leave the past behind, there is a reason things are in the past, they have no place in the future that is yours.
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Post by Leena on Mar 8, 2022 3:32:24 GMT 8
Feeling like I don't miss my old dual life at all.
It's funny, I don't know that I wouldn't still be living like that had the pandemic not happened when it did. If I would've landed some kind of long term job, I would have felt pressure to just stay closeted to that company. It seemed so much easier, despite it being very rough on me every time I did it.
The only thing I miss is not having an ID that doesn't out me as being trans, and I think I am going finally go forward with taking the steps towards changing that soon.
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Post by Trinity on Mar 8, 2022 10:30:59 GMT 8
Publicly changed pronouns from sh'e h'er to they them today and shifted from Trans to nonbinary, androgyne.
That went fine.
There's a different energy about me now. I can't explain it. More honest, more core.
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Post by Trinity on Mar 8, 2022 10:34:10 GMT 8
androgynous. Check thinks androgyne isn't a word. It's a noun, means balls and boobs, deal with it... Not an adjective or presentation.
It's a transitioned gender.
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Post by Deleted on Mar 8, 2022 11:34:29 GMT 8
Was feeling like a female all last week.Today I was feeling like guy and now tonight (in my timezone it's 10:32pm) I feel both genders (female/male).I'm very confused.
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Post by Ativan Prescribed on Mar 8, 2022 12:12:34 GMT 8
Don't think of your gender as like male or female or man or woman, think of it as your gender, period. It isn't like its a sliding scale or especially not a percentage sort of thing and giving it a female/male sort of thing is pretty much the same as like if you said its feeling 25% female and the rest male. You are NB, or non binary and female and male are the binary names for their gender, which they do because they want to perpetuate that distinction that they are somehow not the same as half the world. Call it anything you want, I prefer to just not call it even gender, because the gender concept is pretty much a take off of your sex and is a social construct, just be yourself and don't overthink gender, it just frustrates you like it does cisgender people. Their days are constructed around gender, it rules their lives, do this and not that because ... gender. Actually, I think being cisgender is far more confusing than NB, you have unwritten rules that are different depending on... wel everything, which way the wind blows, what part of the world you live in, that person over there and this person over here. NB is basically just getting rid of the junk that is the gender construct, there is no way to be, nothing you have to do, just be yourself and because there never has been NB rules to live by and with, you just get to be yourself and thats just fine. It takes time to get past the social conditioning that has always told us this and that about gender to the point that it seeps into everything we do it seems, but the less you analyze gender as being this or that for yourself, the easier it gets until you don't have that nagging female/male thing going on. You don't have to live this duality like cisgender people do all day long, because none of them is strictly female or male because it depends on the set of rules and since they are unwritten and it depends on who you are around and where you are, you are always questioning your gender and being frustrated by having to prove it one way or another and living out of your gender closet in the fear that others will see that you are some of this and that just like everyone is, because gender is a social construct and the person in front of you is going to have a different idea of what it is than the person behind you while you are in line at the store buying clothes and wondering if its gendered enough for you or not gendered enough, it just gets to be overwhelming in the complexities of it so why not just do away with the idea and stop the construct in its tracks because there is nothing to be gained by using it day in and day out, except the never ending quest to either be a Barbie or a Ken, and they don't have genitals but society holds them up as examples which kinda tells you a lot when plastic dolls are what you are supposed to be aiming for in some perverted reason. So how or another I suspect that your true gender is Drewtherat. Or maybe you already have a name for it, but relax, you don't need to have the confused state of mind that being female and yet male at the same time brings about, be you, its more honest and easier to deal with.
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Post by Deleted on Mar 8, 2022 12:44:05 GMT 8
This is very good advice thank you so much : )
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