Post by Mingma on Mar 18, 2016 11:06:22 GMT 8
I'm in a hotel room in Ft Lauderdale on St Patrick's Day, at the end of a rather grueling series of meetings that finally finished up shortly after six this evening. I skipped going out with friends tonight. I don't drink, and being in a pub where I don't hear conversations well and with folks who are on their way to becoming Irish for a few hours, just hasn't the appeal it once did. I fell asleep reading a book with little literary value and a rather predictable plot. I woke up a few minutes ago in a sweat.
Almost a year ago I met a beautiful and talented person with whom I was given the gift of some time, and with whom I had my first truly lesbian experience. We did not see each other really often, only a few days every couple of months but she was and maybe always will be a teacher to me of what is true and unique about femininity and womanhood. She cared not a fig that I am neither one thing nor another regarding my internal perception of gender or the physical shape of my body, but identified me as a woman and loved me with an eye that peered beneath all that to a spiritual connection of one to the other.
That said, we are very different people, she was born in the year of the dog, I in the year of the dragon. That meant something to her and indeed the way we relate to the world really is very different and that sometimes led to, at the very least, some awkward moments. Still there was much to bring us together as well. In any case for a time I was her androgynous dragon queen and quite happy to be so. Together we had some grand adventures and some delicious moments but those are done now and I admit to being a little heart broken about that. Still, I am and will always be grateful for her perception and honest training of me. Sort of a graduate course on living a woman's life.
A long introduction to a dream but that is my mindset tonight.
In the Glacier Peak wilderness area there is an ice carved piece of granite that is not particularly high by the standards of my mountains, a bit less than 2000 m (6100 ft) but it has a smooth wall with bordering couloirs that project nearly vertically from a sub alpine meadow. The pitch is 5.6 to 5.8 rock and about 200 m of vertical. I have climbed it a couple of times in past years. It is a beautiful view and a grand rappel. In my dream it was Dione's birthday, which is next month, and I had hiked up the snow slope approach and on a warm afternoon free climbed the face. I watched the sun set and prayed into the gathering darkness. On the back side of the pinnacle was a corpse of alpine fir twisted by the environment into a bonsai masterpiece. Here I climbed into my bivy bag and reflected on love, on loss, and on how thoroughly sorry for myself I felt.
I did not have a rope, nor did anyone know where I was. I also had only a handful of muesli and a liter of water. Funny how a dream will have such specificity but mine often do. In the morning, I greeted the sunrise and the four directions with smudge and began the descent. About 20 meters below the lip I waited for the sun to clear the mountain and bask the ledge I was on in brilliant light and then leapt into the void.....
When I have dreams of suicide they usually involve flight and if I ever do end my life it will likely involve wearing a wingsuit and a granite monolith. I am not suicidal today, but I am feeling loss and death as manifest in change of spirit, or ending of something important. I do miss having that girl in my life.
Namaste Dione, Namaste.
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Almost a year ago I met a beautiful and talented person with whom I was given the gift of some time, and with whom I had my first truly lesbian experience. We did not see each other really often, only a few days every couple of months but she was and maybe always will be a teacher to me of what is true and unique about femininity and womanhood. She cared not a fig that I am neither one thing nor another regarding my internal perception of gender or the physical shape of my body, but identified me as a woman and loved me with an eye that peered beneath all that to a spiritual connection of one to the other.
That said, we are very different people, she was born in the year of the dog, I in the year of the dragon. That meant something to her and indeed the way we relate to the world really is very different and that sometimes led to, at the very least, some awkward moments. Still there was much to bring us together as well. In any case for a time I was her androgynous dragon queen and quite happy to be so. Together we had some grand adventures and some delicious moments but those are done now and I admit to being a little heart broken about that. Still, I am and will always be grateful for her perception and honest training of me. Sort of a graduate course on living a woman's life.
A long introduction to a dream but that is my mindset tonight.
In the Glacier Peak wilderness area there is an ice carved piece of granite that is not particularly high by the standards of my mountains, a bit less than 2000 m (6100 ft) but it has a smooth wall with bordering couloirs that project nearly vertically from a sub alpine meadow. The pitch is 5.6 to 5.8 rock and about 200 m of vertical. I have climbed it a couple of times in past years. It is a beautiful view and a grand rappel. In my dream it was Dione's birthday, which is next month, and I had hiked up the snow slope approach and on a warm afternoon free climbed the face. I watched the sun set and prayed into the gathering darkness. On the back side of the pinnacle was a corpse of alpine fir twisted by the environment into a bonsai masterpiece. Here I climbed into my bivy bag and reflected on love, on loss, and on how thoroughly sorry for myself I felt.
I did not have a rope, nor did anyone know where I was. I also had only a handful of muesli and a liter of water. Funny how a dream will have such specificity but mine often do. In the morning, I greeted the sunrise and the four directions with smudge and began the descent. About 20 meters below the lip I waited for the sun to clear the mountain and bask the ledge I was on in brilliant light and then leapt into the void.....
When I have dreams of suicide they usually involve flight and if I ever do end my life it will likely involve wearing a wingsuit and a granite monolith. I am not suicidal today, but I am feeling loss and death as manifest in change of spirit, or ending of something important. I do miss having that girl in my life.
Namaste Dione, Namaste.
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