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Post by Deleted on Dec 11, 2014 20:07:08 GMT 8
I'm a cutter primarily, though I am a recovered anorexic and there's probably a fair argument to be made that i use tattoos and skateboarding as a socially acceptable form of self harm. But primarily I cut.
I'm not doing it right this minute, though it's not like I've stopped, it's more that the urge has been muted and I can ignore it for the time being. I find that it grounds me, something about the pain and the blood, brings me back when I start to detach from the world (which is hands down probably the scariest part of my illness, because I start asking myself questions like "what would it feel like to drive the car off a bridge" and actually mean it). from what I understand they are minor psychotic episodes, and because I'm usually at the other end of the spectrum - basically an over load of empathy - I can really feel myself detach, panic and need to bleed to ground myself.
So I have scars, lots of scars. I tried burning myself with cigarettes but it just wasn't the same. I know it's probably a destructive habit, but sometimes it's hard to help myself.
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Post by Taka on Dec 11, 2014 21:43:34 GMT 8
i have wondered if it would hurt to cut myself with a knife when my overall feeling was completely numb. it's theoretically possible to cut off any sense of physical pain, so... didn't do it though. too much work to clean up a bloody mess. stains are hard to remove from some types of furniture or clothes.
i also like body art, and wouldn't want to leave too many less than artistic marks on my body.
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Post by Deleted on Dec 11, 2014 22:05:39 GMT 8
I know this as so. It tears us apart when it's your kid.
A page turned, and closed.
But there are other forms of self harm.
God help us.
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Post by Deleted on Dec 11, 2014 22:08:42 GMT 8
Skater Girl, I know of another member here who is a cutter as well and I feel bad for both of you and tbh I can't understand why anyone would cut themselves when they can cut someone else.
I once related one of my most out of control vitriolic moments to my counselor about when someone I know was severely harmed by an extremely evil person, I relished the thought of walking up to him with my razor sharp 21 inch blade, two handed machete and splitting his skull with one swing from the crown all the way to his Adam's apple. My counselor asked me why I would do that when she knows I have guns and could shoot him, I said that shooting was entirely too impersonal and I wanted him to see it coming, I wanted to relish the splattering of his hot blood everywhere. I'm lucky to have avoided a trip to the psyche ward over that comment and don't ever want to get that pissed! (Not drunk, translated meaning angry for you Brits)
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Post by Deleted on Dec 11, 2014 22:37:55 GMT 8
My left fore arm carries all my scars. I'd get a sleeve but it's pretty ruined so I don't think I can. I would quite happily have scarification done, my latest set of scars are quite pretty... At least to my eyes.
I think that because I live in a state of permanently empathy, the thought of being detached enough to be able to hurt someone is utterly terrifying. Even though over empathising is exhausting at times
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Post by Taka on Dec 11, 2014 23:32:00 GMT 8
there are two sides to every coin. the empathy coin has a rather sinister darker side. i can be very empathetic. but i've noticed that after i got something to protect, the coin would flip every time someone i love gets hurt. shan's idea of revenge is much nicer than anything of what i'd like to do to my child molester neighbor. he never did anything to my daughter, so he's unfortunately still safe.
thought of cutting myself appear when i want too badly to cut someone else. if the feeling won't go away, what else can i do...? but it does go away eventually, so i just wait patiently. break something easily replaceable if it's too bad.
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Post by Deleted on Dec 11, 2014 23:50:41 GMT 8
there are two sides to every coin. the empathy coin has a rather sinister darker side. i can be very empathetic. but i've noticed that after i got something to protect, the coin would flip every time someone i love gets hurt. shan's idea of revenge is much nicer than anything of what i'd like to do to my child molester neighbor. he never did anything to my daughter, so he's unfortunately still safe. thought of cutting myself appear when i want too badly to cut someone else. if the feeling won't go away, what else can i do...? but it does go away eventually, so i just wait patiently. break something easily replaceable if it's too bad. Oh god It's a similar story to ours
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Post by Deleted on Dec 11, 2014 23:51:26 GMT 8
We ran...
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Post by Sarah on Dec 11, 2014 23:52:58 GMT 8
Both forearms for me. I guess that's a weird side effect of being ambidextrous or something? I cut fairly consistently for 9 years, 16-25. I heal well, so over time they've faded to just a pattern of white lines, hard to see if you don't look too hard... or people are just polite, I don't know. Except for the handful on my left where I cut past the skin--they serve as a reminder not to involve myself in destructive relationships, and a reminder that things are better now.
For me it was the reverse. I cut in order to not feel, to stop feeling overwhelmed. Externalizing pain. Made me feel like I had some semblance of control over my body, my life, even if just for a few minutes.
I prefer to think of myself as an ex-cutter, though relapses seem inevitable. But it is different to do something once every couple years, versus once every couple days. I never really made a decision to stop. It's just the pressures that caused it have reduced enough to not need it much anymore.
As to why hurt myself rather than others? It is according to my nature. I have always internalized rather than externalized hurt. It's just who I am. When I am upset I stop speaking, stop eating, stop touching. I want to curl up with my pain in the warm dark where it is safe.
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Post by Deleted on Dec 12, 2014 0:14:19 GMT 8
The only thing that stops me cutting on my right arm is the sleeve I have planned, I've cut round the tattoos on my left arm and have essentially just given it up for my scars, but I force myself not to cut the pristine expanse of my right arm because the sleeve means so much to me. Skateboarding is also pretty self destructive, it certainly speaks to the wildness in me.
I nest under the duvet when I get really really bad. Won't drink, won't eat, barely move even.
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Post by Sarah on Dec 12, 2014 5:39:57 GMT 8
I think it's possible to channel in a way that is constructive rather than destructive. Often mental illness is essentially just an action/idea/behaviour taken to an unhealthy extreme. Skateboarding or tattooing... as long as it isn't coming from a place of self-hate then that's excellent. I got really into piercings and tattoos after I stopped cutting regularly. They hurt me, but they hurt me in a way that creates something beautiful, something I can celebrate about my body, something that makes me feel good more long term.
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Post by Deleted on Dec 18, 2014 7:07:12 GMT 8
It's really seductive, struggling with the temptation to cut, not because I need to, more because I want to.
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Post by Ayla on Dec 18, 2014 9:24:33 GMT 8
Thank you for sharing your experiences. I have known folk that cut, are anorexic, self harm etc but have never really understood this. I appreciate your openness and have a learned a lot from this thread. Every time that I think life is treating me unfairly I realize that I have no right to feel this way and that the challenges I face, are relatively trivial in the overall scheme of things.
Safe travels
Aisla
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Post by Whisper on Dec 18, 2014 9:46:57 GMT 8
I know there's a lot of pain, anguish, misunderstanding, hurt, and loneliness in the world. people experience horrible things. don't judge anyone. I am older, but care for those I know that are in pain. I am there for my friends, without any ultimatums. if they choose to channel the pain artistically, I've been amazed at what they produce and the pain I can see. its like seeing their screams. whisper
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Post by Laura J on Dec 18, 2014 10:19:35 GMT 8
Beautifully said Wisper. I've known many who've self injured over the years. It's so very addictive. Thanks for sharing dreadful faery. We are here always to help with respect and compassion, please just give a shout if you need support or help.
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