The blade garden - stories of self harm: TW self harm

[Cypres]

Interessting. I am sorry that you dissociate more now, that is really stressfull. I also have the feeling that it is easier to calm myself down than before without needing somebody else as anchor. Like all of the sudden I had a switch that was never there before and I could just use it to turn things down little by little until I could handle it, that still suprises me every time.

[ConfusedPancake]

I have a pretty extensive past of mental illness going back to middle school. I started cutting in middle school and was suicidal most of the time. I ended up in residential treatment for 7 months when I was in high school, then got to college and spent a decent amount of time in the hospital for suicide attempts, an eating disorder, and self harm. I've dealt with a lot of sh** from other people and myself as well honestly. Now, I remind myself I have to be healthy to be a therapist. It's been 2 years since I've been hospitalized, a little over a year since I've self harmed, and not too long since I fell into eating disorder behaviors, but it's been about 4 months since I really relapsed back into my eating disorder. I think about the future a lot and I never picture any of these things in my future. Reminding myself of that helps when things get rough. I have to admit though, I thought things would be way easier after a year. A year has been this magical amount of time in my mind that means you are "recovered" and wouldn't struggle/would struggle very little with urges. I've thought that way since I was in middle school and now that I've reached the magical year, I realize that the amount of time since acting on your urges seems to mean very little. I'm getting a recovery tattoo in a couple of months though and I'm hopeful that it will serve as a really important reminder to always love and accept myself unconditionally.

[Trinity]

I mentor a cutter outside this place and in another recovery place.

One of my kids was a cutter, from the mental pain that is the result of a child molester, may he rot in hell and may his now dead penis be forever cursed.

And a i am an alcholic addict 31 years sober.

No it never goes away.  I understand it, i see it manipulate me.  I see my past and how it causes me to dstructively act out.

It comes down to choices, in the end, day to day.  Vigilance, step work, sharing.

I know depression well.  It stalks me.

I choose the way of the warrior, the diamond heart of trans.

And that is a good thing.

Hang in there.  You are far from alone.

Trinity

[Ativan Prescribed]

I see the scars on my arms every day, every time I look at them, for whatever reason.
There is usually a twinge of guilt, but there is also a momentary thought of how easy it is to do it again.
But I know that no matter how much I feel like cutting again, really cutting, it won't take away the reasons it's so easy to do.
I haven't cut myself in a long time now, but the urge can still be there, doesn't matter even if it is a good day or a bad one...
The real scars are the ones on my heart, those I can only see in my minds eye.
I see those and I know why I don't cut anymore, I just can't take any more scars there.
I was in the hospital a year ago, Dec- Feb,.. The damage from that alone is another scar that won't go away.
I too choose the way of the warrior, the path less traveled, the one I know best.
You are not alone.

[Alex]

I am, or was, a cutter for half a year.

For me, it just sounded good in the moment. Afterward, I would just feel worse; my emotions would build up more intensely AND I would be ashamed.

Great.

[Avery]

A pretty dead thread but seems like the right place to be right now.

Yesterday was TDOR and they listed off those names and all I could think about was that horrible people spilled their blood and here I've been spilling my own like it's nothing and I felt so phenomenally guilty like I was disrespecting what happened to them. And then I still did it again tonight. I'm running out of gauze and tape but buying a bigger box feels wrong somehow. Like I'm already giving up on stopping before I even try

[Trinity]

Nov 22, 2018 11:32:07 GMT 8 Avery said:

A pretty dead thread but seems like the right place to be right now.

Yesterday was TDOR and they listed off those names and all I could think about was that horrible people spilled their blood and here I've been spilling my own like it's nothing and I felt so phenomenally guilty like I was disrespecting what happened to them. And then I still did it again tonight. I'm running out of gauze and tape but buying a bigger box feels wrong somehow. Like I'm already giving up on stopping before I even try

A good friend of mine on fb and irl too is a cutter.  She got it under control.

Shes binary trans, very nice.

Want to reach out to her?