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131
0
1
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7,160
Trinity
DES Trans
14,583
Nov 5, 2015 13:41:59 GMT 8
November 2015
trinity
Non-Binary
Sh'e, H'er, they them, she, he, whatever....
Bisexual
Faithfully Married.
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Post by Trinity on Nov 11, 2015 11:17:43 GMT 8
I am getting more comfortable being me out there in whatever mode it is that I get read as. Who knows what. The other day I got maam'd at an oil change and I was in guy presentation...I loved that trust me.
But in terms of my anxiety, yes trans exascerbates that to a degree, but the anxiety is deeper and debilitating on several levels. It screws with my life. Fear of abandonment, God that one kills me, fear of anger, fear of love, fear of loss, fear of not doing the job right, fear of fear of fear. Is it rational? Not necessarily. But it feels real, and it paralyzes, I walk through that fear, face it head on, but it leaves me exhausted and my hands shaking.
Thats every day for me. And now, finally, I have a diagnosis and a shrink ready to roll up their sleeves and get to work on it. My gender identity is no longer my worry or concern, I actually love it now.
My mother has it, two of my daughters have it. Its at the root of my alcoholism, of my many addictions, of my full throttle life. Even racing, litterally in a car running away from the discomfort at a hundred miles an hour on a little half mile oval. Anything to ease the discomfort. Is it chemical? Maybe, but I wont take any more drugs than what I am on now.
I'd rather think my way out of it.
Just sharing what it feels like for me. And yeah, its like transitioning at work, being all gender queer and then androgynous and then full out around people that were rigid. Yup that sure was anxiety producing. To the point of not being able to breathe at times. But oh the rewards of facing them down. To watch them back down. To see them grudgingly respect having the balls to be real.
That experience is so valuable. But for one who can pass and live fully female, wow, that's fantastic. Seen your pic Kira you are a very pretty girl, I wish you the absolute best as you enjoy that truth that is you.
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Ayla
m2me
5,298
Nov 19, 2014 19:54:37 GMT 8
November 2014
aisla
Female
Female
She/Her
Pansexual
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Post by Ayla on Nov 11, 2015 11:33:52 GMT 8
TSJ
Seems to be coming together for you - our journeys confound us at times but I remain optimistic. Since committing to the higher dose hrt implant this week I have been feeling really, really good. There is a sense of peace that I have never known.
When I first tried low dose the dysphoria was subdued but I didn't really accept or feel comfortable with the implications of being trans for my family and for my career. Then just like that (but in reality the convergence of changed circumstance and my life experience) the anxiety has gone and I am ready to travel.
Safe travels
Aisla
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Post by Deleted on Dec 1, 2015 23:19:12 GMT 8
I've been dealing with anxiety issues for years. I find now that I'm finally facing myself in a true way my anxiety has increased, but I know I have to face my Fear and deal with it. I want to be free. I want to be Me. The only way I can describe my current situation is that I feel like I'm walking down a darkened path, with a small light in my hands trying to find my way. That small little light gives me hope that I will arrive at Home. We are never finished as human beings, but I believe that I will one day feel at home with myself. That is what I'm working towards and what I pray for. It feels like I've moved on from a small candle to a lantern - not as frail and I can see the path ahead much clearer.
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1
May 16, 2024 7:57:51 GMT 8
7,160
Trinity
DES Trans
14,583
Nov 5, 2015 13:41:59 GMT 8
November 2015
trinity
Non-Binary
Sh'e, H'er, they them, she, he, whatever....
Bisexual
Faithfully Married.
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Post by Trinity on Dec 14, 2015 22:26:35 GMT 8
Looking forward to having time to look at all of this. I forgot about hypnosis, that I was also trained in long ago.
Just remembered I got out of body sometime within the last few nights. I forgot that too. Cool.
My anxiety is redlined. trying to work Cognitive therapy on it, finding the lies. I need a safety net, stress is very high, that triggers dysphoria, which triggers more anxiety, and it becomes a viscious circle that takes me right to the edge. Again.
Going after the root thoughts. Same old same old, its always the same ones that take me out.
Shrink tonight and boy do I need him. Trying to figure out how to get my wig on, where to do it, and if so, itll be my first time in a womans bathroom.
More stress. But I hated it last time in the mens, its violence waiting to happen going in with full makeup on.
More later.
Trin.
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Post by Deleted on Dec 14, 2015 22:42:14 GMT 8
You seem to be under so much stress. I hope you can find a way to cope (seeing the therapist tonight will be good for you, I'm sure). I also think it's about finding those mindful moments throughout the day, no matter how busy things get.
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0
1
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Avatar by @hitsukuya
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admin
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Post by EchelonHunt on Dec 14, 2015 23:13:23 GMT 8
You have us here as a safety net, Trinity. Always! There are no disabled/unisex bathrooms where you are? I do not blame you regarding mens restroom, I avoid those when I'm dressed femme, even at LBGT clubs, I know there will be close-minded folks who will lash out and I won't take that risk, even if the club prides itself on being safe place for transgender folks, not gonna risk it. If stress levels are high, if you can, find the time to stop what you are doing and take a couple of deep breaths, concentrating on breathing only. It helps to ground yourself, slow down the racing heart and the rushing thoughts. I haven't watched Lee's video but I think that is what I have in mind? Please keep us updated.
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Post by Deleted on Dec 14, 2015 23:29:53 GMT 8
You have us here as a safety net, Trinity. Always! There are no disabled/unisex bathrooms where you are? I do not blame you regarding mens restroom, I avoid those when I'm dressed femme, even at LBGT clubs, I know there will be close-minded folks who will lash out and I won't take that risk, even if the club prides itself on being safe place for transgender folks, not gonna risk it. If stress levels are high, if you can, find the time to stop what you are doing and take a couple of deep breaths, concentrating on breathing only. It helps to ground yourself, slow down the racing heart and the rushing thoughts. I haven't watched Lee's video but I think that is what I have in mind?Please keep us updated. Yes, exactly.
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May 16, 2024 7:57:51 GMT 8
7,160
Trinity
DES Trans
14,583
Nov 5, 2015 13:41:59 GMT 8
November 2015
trinity
Non-Binary
Sh'e, H'er, they them, she, he, whatever....
Bisexual
Faithfully Married.
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Post by Trinity on Dec 15, 2015 1:20:04 GMT 8
Its that feeling of no safety net that is the worst.
Here are the dart thoughts. As in poison dart.
...i will go all girld and wife leave.
Why? Who can predict?
DES will progressively force me to full mtf trans
Again who can predict. Not today it wont.
Ill fail on the job...
Cant predict that either.
All insecurity, loss of wife, loss of work.
None true in the now. And all may be permanently intrue.
Fear. Poison in the ears. Face it, find the lie in it, slay it. Or accept the truth and be a warrior, make it work.
Breathe Trinity breathe. No surprize for any of this its just late transition.
So very glad for everyones help. It got real bad this morning.
That superhero part gets moving when i get like this. Im glad i am a blend inside me.
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1
May 16, 2024 7:57:51 GMT 8
7,160
Trinity
DES Trans
14,583
Nov 5, 2015 13:41:59 GMT 8
November 2015
trinity
Non-Binary
Sh'e, H'er, they them, she, he, whatever....
Bisexual
Faithfully Married.
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Post by Trinity on Dec 15, 2015 1:26:00 GMT 8
I use music, a bluetooth in my ear. Elf music, epic music. Makes a huge diff at work. Soothing, no memory triggers, feels like unicorn forest and loving friends here.
And breathe. They hear it, i do drep breaths a lot.
Love you all..
Trinity
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Post by Deleted on Dec 15, 2015 1:33:53 GMT 8
Is there any possibility that your wife would eventually come to terms with you as a woman, if that is who you are? Why would you fail? You seem to be a very hard worker.
As I've said before; sometimes life pushes us towards change and all we can do is to go with it. This situation isn't good for you. Maybe you need to look at your life and see what is working and what isn't, we all need to do that every now and then. You have gotten this far, with everything you've been through - you are much stronger than you think.
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May 16, 2024 7:57:51 GMT 8
7,160
Trinity
DES Trans
14,583
Nov 5, 2015 13:41:59 GMT 8
November 2015
trinity
Non-Binary
Sh'e, H'er, they them, she, he, whatever....
Bisexual
Faithfully Married.
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Post by Trinity on Dec 15, 2015 3:12:01 GMT 8
First answer is no. But she can live with a transperson. And does.... Second answer is I work hard but the job is extremely difficult, very few can do this type of work. Which means why would they let go of someone that can handle the pressure... not too rational here. Yes I am looking at all stress reducing strategies. What has to go that doesn't work for me is distorted thinking first. Cognitive distortions. Then bringing my desired reality for the future into the now. These things are at the tip of my fingers. It'll work, I'll keep everyone in the loop. Total transition is not the answer Lee, not for me. Total SOCIAL transition that is. The body is another matter entirely, that is going full out, and has been so for quite a while now. Its a balance. Tricky stuff, if I was binary trans the answer would be to go forward come hell or high water, but its different for a nonbinary type like me where the primary issue is body dysphoria and needing to live as me, full out, not female but yet female presenting When The Environment Support It. I am very much like Ativan, my private life is far different from the public one(s). But occasionally, it goes out of balance. If I try to control, I am in trouble, it has to be a freeform symphony of gender, it plays its own song, my job is to relax and enjoy it. I am trying to control, out of fear, and that is when it all goes to hell. Fun fun fun. Trinity
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Post by Deleted on Dec 15, 2015 3:20:54 GMT 8
It's good that you're looking into reducing the stress, that is crucial. I just asked about the wife, since you worried about going all girl. I was thinking perhaps she could accept it. It's great that she accepts you now. You just have to find what works for you and find that precious balance.
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1
May 16, 2024 7:57:51 GMT 8
7,160
Trinity
DES Trans
14,583
Nov 5, 2015 13:41:59 GMT 8
November 2015
trinity
Non-Binary
Sh'e, H'er, they them, she, he, whatever....
Bisexual
Faithfully Married.
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Post by Trinity on Dec 15, 2015 3:26:10 GMT 8
Yup. Me at home with wife. That aint no guy. Thats how i am all the time arround her. Well, not all...theres more underneath lol
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January 1970
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Post by Deleted on Dec 15, 2015 3:31:13 GMT 8
No, certainly not. ...of course.
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May 16, 2024 7:57:51 GMT 8
7,160
Trinity
DES Trans
14,583
Nov 5, 2015 13:41:59 GMT 8
November 2015
trinity
Non-Binary
Sh'e, H'er, they them, she, he, whatever....
Bisexual
Faithfully Married.
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Post by Trinity on Dec 15, 2015 3:50:44 GMT 8
You just reminded me of who I am, and I am quite greatful about that.
Sexy nonbinary, isn't sh'e?
HAH! And that's who is under the hair or the leather motorcycle jacket, that is my core gender, that picture captures it all.
Feeling a lot better ...
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