Post by Sisyphus on May 27, 2015 21:55:20 GMT 8
It feels like a shameful confession. There are many reasons I am non-transitioning, non-op. For years I never even considered it because there was no such thing as non-binary in the lexicon. There was cis and trans, but pick a box. Genderfluid and genderfuck existed at the edges but almost always as a transitional path to a box, or an act of rebellion and back to the binary box. I wasn't going to chop up or change a body that didn't match me, to get a body that didn't match me. I felt I would be equally happy and unhappy with my external biologics in a traditionally female gender constellation as a traditionally male gender constellation, and to change from the one I have that functions to one that surgery and transition doesn't have quite down seemed illogical because if I had been born in the opposite gender it would probably lead to the same actions to get what I have now. Because of this acceptance of what I have because I would have to equally accept or reject the opposite box, I have always told myself I don't have dysphoria.
Then on my path through recognizing I am non-binary and then finding a community, I stumbled on some pics and realized tha some changes don't need to be viewed as inferior, pale versions of binary boxes. I could have a mix and that mix doesn't even need to be precisely like box A and box B. And that leads me to my shameful confession, or what feels shameful to even type. I'm forcing myself to do it because I think I need to address this fact thats been rolling around inside.
The truth is I do have dysphoria, that could be met with some transitioning (though I'm not sure about surgery at all, I'm not a big fan of surgery for a variety of reasons). If I lived in a world where I could make changes to making my external biologics match my gender, I would have a mix of male and female traits. I would have some form of penis and vagina. I would have some mix of flat chest and breasts (though on the chest type, what I have now serves both purposes, even if one is illusion). I would have muscles and an hour glass shape.
The only physical piece of change I have is my hair. Shave it off, grow it out long, wash, rinse, repeat. That doesn't sound so shameful, right?
The shame that makes me feel like gagging trying to force it out is that when I try to come up with a word to match, FtM dysphoria treated by transitioning and ops make your sex identification male, and MtF female, but what I would do to my body to match my gender, the only word that I can come up with is intersex.
There, I said it. And I feel so ashamed because I know that people born intersexed have gone through hell and back, have had their bodies chopped up and identities forced on them, have had the world trying to make them ashamed for who they are and appropriate their bodies and identification. So by saying I have dysphoria that would be treated by transitioning and/or ops and or procedures that would put me in a place people are trying to rip them away from makes me feel like people are going to jump from corners and point fingers with accusation, saying "Fetishist!" "Appropriator!" "Disrespectful" "Poseur!" "You just want it all!" and other things. And I would hang my head and nod my head and say, "You're right, you're right. I'm bad for wanting this, for continually feeling this desire to make my body and self whole by doing this. I'm so sorry. So sorry. I don't mean to appropriate your space."
But I confess it here, even though I feel deep shame about this desire, this urge, because in all my life this has never changed. I've framed it in a lot of different ways, ignored it, modified it, tried to shame it into going away, pretended its something its not, because I feel so guilty about it. But the truth is, my dysphoria is not for a binary trans female body or a binary cis female body or a binary trans male body or a binary cis male body, but a body that reflects my gender, a body that matches who I am.
Ugh, I could just crawl away under a rock.
Anyway, of all the reasons I don't consider transitioning, despite the delight and peace I felt when considering the mix that I found, this one is huge - that I am a griffin and thats the only kind of biological transition/procedure/ops that make any sense for me, and if I can't have that (for so many reasons) I'd rather just stay as I am and live my truth in my appearance, choice of dress, speech, hairstyles etc. instead.
Then on my path through recognizing I am non-binary and then finding a community, I stumbled on some pics and realized tha some changes don't need to be viewed as inferior, pale versions of binary boxes. I could have a mix and that mix doesn't even need to be precisely like box A and box B. And that leads me to my shameful confession, or what feels shameful to even type. I'm forcing myself to do it because I think I need to address this fact thats been rolling around inside.
The truth is I do have dysphoria, that could be met with some transitioning (though I'm not sure about surgery at all, I'm not a big fan of surgery for a variety of reasons). If I lived in a world where I could make changes to making my external biologics match my gender, I would have a mix of male and female traits. I would have some form of penis and vagina. I would have some mix of flat chest and breasts (though on the chest type, what I have now serves both purposes, even if one is illusion). I would have muscles and an hour glass shape.
The only physical piece of change I have is my hair. Shave it off, grow it out long, wash, rinse, repeat. That doesn't sound so shameful, right?
The shame that makes me feel like gagging trying to force it out is that when I try to come up with a word to match, FtM dysphoria treated by transitioning and ops make your sex identification male, and MtF female, but what I would do to my body to match my gender, the only word that I can come up with is intersex.
There, I said it. And I feel so ashamed because I know that people born intersexed have gone through hell and back, have had their bodies chopped up and identities forced on them, have had the world trying to make them ashamed for who they are and appropriate their bodies and identification. So by saying I have dysphoria that would be treated by transitioning and/or ops and or procedures that would put me in a place people are trying to rip them away from makes me feel like people are going to jump from corners and point fingers with accusation, saying "Fetishist!" "Appropriator!" "Disrespectful" "Poseur!" "You just want it all!" and other things. And I would hang my head and nod my head and say, "You're right, you're right. I'm bad for wanting this, for continually feeling this desire to make my body and self whole by doing this. I'm so sorry. So sorry. I don't mean to appropriate your space."
But I confess it here, even though I feel deep shame about this desire, this urge, because in all my life this has never changed. I've framed it in a lot of different ways, ignored it, modified it, tried to shame it into going away, pretended its something its not, because I feel so guilty about it. But the truth is, my dysphoria is not for a binary trans female body or a binary cis female body or a binary trans male body or a binary cis male body, but a body that reflects my gender, a body that matches who I am.
Ugh, I could just crawl away under a rock.
Anyway, of all the reasons I don't consider transitioning, despite the delight and peace I felt when considering the mix that I found, this one is huge - that I am a griffin and thats the only kind of biological transition/procedure/ops that make any sense for me, and if I can't have that (for so many reasons) I'd rather just stay as I am and live my truth in my appearance, choice of dress, speech, hairstyles etc. instead.
