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Sh'e, H'er, they them, she, he, whatever....
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Faithfully Married.
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Post by Trinity on Jul 7, 2020 4:38:37 GMT 8
Do you find yourself all tensed up during the day?
Do you think its from the habit of cutting off the body feelings and movements because of the Matrix?
I sure as heck do.
My environment determines how I move, speak, think. Its always about identifying a threat first, then finding what is safe, and once safe, relaxing into myself.
But when I am alone, the habit is still there, the tension, and the gender lately is fighting itself, just too much matrix exposure, too much negativity or something, it unbalances me. Interferes with my music of gender.
What's it like for you?
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Post by Leena on Jul 7, 2020 7:15:08 GMT 8
I live alone so it's not very tense here.
It is kind of tense when my family calls and they are still calling me almost every day. There are a lot of problems back there. Under normal circumstances, I might be flying out there right now, but I'm not going anywhere because of the coronavirus.
Talking with them does remind me that there will be even more tension when they see what I look like now. I'm really done being in the closet they forced me into as a kid. There never is a right time to do what I need to, though some other times I considered it were better than this moment.
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kalima
New Member
Posts: 45
Gender: Non-binary / pangender
Presentation: Androgynous
Presentation: Androgynous
Pronouns: They/Their/Them
Pronouns: Depends on context
Orientation: Pansexual
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kalima
Non-binary / pangender
Androgynous
Androgynous
They/Their/Them
Depends on context
Pansexual
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Post by kalima on Jul 7, 2020 7:28:04 GMT 8
I am also going out as little as possible. The pandemic came just in time for me -- I needed some time to hole up safely. But in truth, now I am feeling kind of paralyzed. I wouldn't want to go out right now even if there was no pandemic. I make about one trip to the store and one visit to my therapist per week. That is enough.
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Post by Ativan Prescribed on Jul 7, 2020 8:51:18 GMT 8
Right now, racists are being videoed and those videos hit social media and get on the news, thats taking back the night stuff, one thing you can hear racists saying all the time is that they are not racists when you call them out, they can't take it. The same works for bigots, take your phone out and do a vid every time you see them being bigots and especially if they are in your face, and call them out on it, post the vids, let your neighbors know that you know that the bigots are in the community. Calling them bigots just takes them down right there, there is no comeback to it, if they agree then fine, let them be bigots but still keep the vid rolling. One thing about the people who are like the white supremacists, they deny deny deny, but you catch them on a vid and post it for others to see, its the one thing that keeps them from thinking they just owned others that they don't like. Don't let them own you, don't let them own others, instead,.. own the living shit out of them by calling them out and by taking a vid of them being the disgusting semi humans they are, own them, make them pay for their shit that they try to lay on others. The entire reason protests work is because people are finally so sick of the republican trump supporter type people who make life miserable, isn't it miserable enough with 130,000 dead because trump and his supporters are the ultimate failure? Walk like you own the street, the sidewalk, the mall, where ever you are, don't let your fears of them force you to cross the street to walk on the other side, there isn't a crowd going to form or even a line of bigots waiting to take their verbal shots at you and so what if they do, they embarrass themselves in front of a country so sick of their shit, own them instead, call them out as racists and bigots that they are, it isn't like anyone is going to come running to help them, nobody wants to be seen as the other racist or bigot, that they always claim they aren't, when they run to the aid of one of their kind, they become front and center labeled as a racist or bigot or both, you can't claim that you aren't and then run to the aid of those who are, you'd be trump if you did and right now, he's the loser of all losers and getting to be more of a loser each day. It's like this, if you saw someone hurting someone else would you just join in and do the same? The person who does this is guilty and its more often than not that if you come to someones aid who is being harmed by others, even more people join in, because that is true human nature, not this idiocy of bigots and racists who in a group are all talk but when they are alone, they deny deny deny that they are because they know to admit it is to admit how wrong they are in the eyes of the world. This is what protesting is about, this is what standing up for yourself against bigots is about, it isn't like others are going to come to their aid, contrary to how they bellow out their bullshit as if the world is in agreement with them, nobody is.
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Post by Trinity on Jul 7, 2020 10:28:11 GMT 8
I am also going out as little as possible. The pandemic came just in time for me -- I needed some time to hole up safely. But in truth, now I am feeling kind of paralyzed. I wouldn't want to go out right now even if there was no pandemic. I make about one trip to the store and one visit to my therapist per week. That is enough. Why do you feel fearful or paralyzed? Isolation- due to appearence, being read, or tired of being brave?
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November 2015
trinity
Non-Binary
Sh'e, H'er, they them, she, he, whatever....
Bisexual
Faithfully Married.
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Post by Trinity on Jul 7, 2020 10:33:59 GMT 8
Most of my tension has to do with the home stuff, the demands on time and so on. I have a lot on my plate.
Then theres the judgement about me being trans, the non acceptance, some here do, some do not.
I just spent an hour with my wife and I am full out sh'e, had my meeting tonight, wore a short dress, looked pretty darned good frankly, its the dress I wore when I sang in the trans voices cabaret at the Duplex in the Village, and its pretty nice. Shows the stuff that transitioned off pretty well, I need the validation, especially with this voice.
And I was able to relax. Dead tired relax, a lot of deep breathing, to just be me.
The tension, where is it really coming from, for me....
Its not too bad for me on the street, though here its the old hippie out with the kid. Stealth if I can is good too, but not in the neighborhood. Been through too much to do that here. But its very easy to blend into the matrix and I never have a problem here.
I sure did in NY, living stealth she.
But most times if I am tensing up, I am repressing an emotion.
But its so habitual I don't even know what emotion I am supressing.
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Post by Leena on Jul 8, 2020 1:43:37 GMT 8
Most of my tension has to do with the home stuff, the demands on time and so on. I have a lot on my plate. Then theres the judgement about me being trans, the non acceptance, some here do, some do not. I just spent an hour with my wife and I am full out sh'e, had my meeting tonight, wore a short dress, looked pretty darned good frankly, its the dress I wore when I sang in the trans voices cabaret at the Duplex in the Village, and its pretty nice. Shows the stuff that transitioned off pretty well, I need the validation, especially with this voice. And I was able to relax. Dead tired relax, a lot of deep breathing, to just be me. The tension, where is it really coming from, for me.... Its not too bad for me on the street, though here its the old hippie out with the kid. Stealth if I can is good too, but not in the neighborhood. Been through too much to do that here. But its very easy to blend into the matrix and I never have a problem here. I sure did in NY, living stealth she. But most times if I am tensing up, I am repressing an emotion. But its so habitual I don't even know what emotion I am supressing. Sounds like you really suppressed it, whatever it is.
I'm not exactly stealth around here. Most of my neighbors have seen me in various presentations, though my presentation is more consistently feminine lately. It is a bit awkward, but I'm not really close enough that any of them even know any of the names I've used.
Family stuff is hard. Some cut off all contact with people that are not totally accepting, and it's probably much easier. It's too complicated now, I missed my chance to do it in person last December, though even the idea of that was really stressing me out. So many things were so much different last December.
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Nov 5, 2015 13:41:59 GMT 8
November 2015
trinity
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Sh'e, H'er, they them, she, he, whatever....
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Faithfully Married.
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Post by Trinity on Jul 8, 2020 3:07:50 GMT 8
Most of my tension has to do with the home stuff, the demands on time and so on. I have a lot on my plate. Then theres the judgement about me being trans, the non acceptance, some here do, some do not. I just spent an hour with my wife and I am full out sh'e, had my meeting tonight, wore a short dress, looked pretty darned good frankly, its the dress I wore when I sang in the trans voices cabaret at the Duplex in the Village, and its pretty nice. Shows the stuff that transitioned off pretty well, I need the validation, especially with this voice. And I was able to relax. Dead tired relax, a lot of deep breathing, to just be me. The tension, where is it really coming from, for me.... Its not too bad for me on the street, though here its the old hippie out with the kid. Stealth if I can is good too, but not in the neighborhood. Been through too much to do that here. But its very easy to blend into the matrix and I never have a problem here. I sure did in NY, living stealth she. But most times if I am tensing up, I am repressing an emotion. But its so habitual I don't even know what emotion I am supressing. Sounds like you really suppressed it, whatever it is.
I'm not exactly stealth around here. Most of my neighbors have seen me in various presentations, though my presentation is more consistently feminine lately. It is a bit awkward, but I'm not really close enough that any of them even know any of the names I've used.
Family stuff is hard. Some cut off all contact with people that are not totally accepting, and it's probably much easier. It's too complicated now, I missed my chance to do it in person last December, though even the idea of that was really stressing me out. So many things were so much different last December.
Its gotten way better for me. Some of its just annoying. Mostly happens when I get walked in on and am full out, one family member can't handle it. But she isn't on my back about it either.
Really suppressed is right. It goes back to 6th and 7th grade, and even earlier, my first memories of getting in trouble for my sensitivity goes back to the third grade. I cried easily, I cry like a girl, my emotions seem to be what is commonly labeled as female. Are they? I don't even know anymore. So all of that got stuffed and it got stuffed for years, erupting in extreme alcoholism that started at 18 and nearly ended my life by 25. I went over the edge a long time ago. By the time I hit my mid 20's I was one majorly f-d up individual. So, came a long way, but have to relax. This morning Pat Robertson was on, and his agenda today was anti trans, denial of trans medicine to folks that are underage, those meds save lives. I spiralled into a black hole overhearing that and am still trying to crawl out of it. The real political power in the country belongs to the media that dictates what people are to believe, taking it out of the hands of the witness of the heart. And that is extremely dangerous. Anyway, I finally spiralled down and went to bed for an hour, got up and I am at least starting to function, but that one 5 minute exposure set me back weeks of spiritual healing. It could not have been timed worse to take me down spiritually, I was just barely beginning to heal. Powers of darkness and bigotry and ignorance. Folks that cannot see through it to the truth. Doctines that cause harm and are in my belief in opposition to the truth of the Christ. Its not for me to criticize the Lords people and servants, but I can tell you what the effect is of what they teach on me. Anyway, that is part of the tension, part of the repression. its trying not to feel those feelings, and since I can not afford psyche help for trans, its not covered on my insurance through the ACA, I have to figure out other ways to stay mentally healthy and relaxed. There is so much deep rage in me. Its under control, sure, but how do you heal it? I can rail on the politics and complain, but the real important question for the forum is, what do we do with the rage in us? It's literally killing me.
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Post by Leena on Jul 8, 2020 4:46:55 GMT 8
Sounds like you really suppressed it, whatever it is.
I'm not exactly stealth around here. Most of my neighbors have seen me in various presentations, though my presentation is more consistently feminine lately. It is a bit awkward, but I'm not really close enough that any of them even know any of the names I've used.
Family stuff is hard. Some cut off all contact with people that are not totally accepting, and it's probably much easier. It's too complicated now, I missed my chance to do it in person last December, though even the idea of that was really stressing me out. So many things were so much different last December.
Its gotten way better for me. Some of its just annoying. Mostly happens when I get walked in on and am full out, one family member can't handle it. But she isn't on my back about it either.
Really suppressed is right. It goes back to 6th and 7th grade, and even earlier, my first memories of getting in trouble for my sensitivity goes back to the third grade. I cried easily, I cry like a girl, my emotions seem to be what is commonly labeled as female. Are they? I don't even know anymore. So all of that got stuffed and it got stuffed for years, erupting in extreme alcoholism that started at 18 and nearly ended my life by 25. I went over the edge a long time ago. By the time I hit my mid 20's I was one majorly f-d up individual. So, came a long way, but have to relax. This morning Pat Robertson was on, and his agenda today was anti trans, denial of trans medicine to folks that are underage, those meds save lives. I spiralled into a black hole overhearing that and am still trying to crawl out of it. The real political power in the country belongs to the media that dictates what people are to believe, taking it out of the hands of the witness of the heart. And that is extremely dangerous. Anyway, I finally spiralled down and went to bed for an hour, got up and I am at least starting to function, but that one 5 minute exposure set me back weeks of spiritual healing. It could not have been timed worse to take me down spiritually, I was just barely beginning to heal. Powers of darkness and bigotry and ignorance. Folks that cannot see through it to the truth. Doctines that cause harm and are in my belief in opposition to the truth of the Christ. Its not for me to criticize the Lords people and servants, but I can tell you what the effect is of what they teach on me. Anyway, that is part of the tension, part of the repression. its trying not to feel those feelings, and since I can not afford psyche help for trans, its not covered on my insurance through the ACA, I have to figure out other ways to stay mentally healthy and relaxed. There is so much deep rage in me. Its under control, sure, but how do you heal it? I can rail on the politics and complain, but the real important question for the forum is, what do we do with the rage in us? It's literally killing me.
Well, I don't tune in to Pat Robertson or other shows that make me angry. At least not when I'm not in the right mood to deal with it, and definitely not when trans stuff has recently been in the news.
So I'm not sure how to heal it, I just avoid it. When I was in middle school, I got in a lot of trouble for fighting back. I didn't really make a choice to stop fighting, guys just got tired of losing to someone that "fights like a girl"...
I kind of just avoid being around and talking to conservative types. Realize the only thing that will shut them up is a fist to the face, rational arguments don't work because they are irrational.
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DES Trans
14,583
Nov 5, 2015 13:41:59 GMT 8
November 2015
trinity
Non-Binary
Sh'e, H'er, they them, she, he, whatever....
Bisexual
Faithfully Married.
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Post by Trinity on Jul 8, 2020 4:53:19 GMT 8
Its gotten way better for me. Some of its just annoying. Mostly happens when I get walked in on and am full out, one family member can't handle it. But she isn't on my back about it either.
Really suppressed is right. It goes back to 6th and 7th grade, and even earlier, my first memories of getting in trouble for my sensitivity goes back to the third grade. I cried easily, I cry like a girl, my emotions seem to be what is commonly labeled as female. Are they? I don't even know anymore. So all of that got stuffed and it got stuffed for years, erupting in extreme alcoholism that started at 18 and nearly ended my life by 25. I went over the edge a long time ago. By the time I hit my mid 20's I was one majorly f-d up individual. So, came a long way, but have to relax. This morning Pat Robertson was on, and his agenda today was anti trans, denial of trans medicine to folks that are underage, those meds save lives. I spiralled into a black hole overhearing that and am still trying to crawl out of it. The real political power in the country belongs to the media that dictates what people are to believe, taking it out of the hands of the witness of the heart. And that is extremely dangerous. Anyway, I finally spiralled down and went to bed for an hour, got up and I am at least starting to function, but that one 5 minute exposure set me back weeks of spiritual healing. It could not have been timed worse to take me down spiritually, I was just barely beginning to heal. Powers of darkness and bigotry and ignorance. Folks that cannot see through it to the truth. Doctines that cause harm and are in my belief in opposition to the truth of the Christ. Its not for me to criticize the Lords people and servants, but I can tell you what the effect is of what they teach on me. Anyway, that is part of the tension, part of the repression. its trying not to feel those feelings, and since I can not afford psyche help for trans, its not covered on my insurance through the ACA, I have to figure out other ways to stay mentally healthy and relaxed. There is so much deep rage in me. Its under control, sure, but how do you heal it? I can rail on the politics and complain, but the real important question for the forum is, what do we do with the rage in us? It's literally killing me.
Well, I don't tune in to Pat Robertson or other shows that make me angry. At least not when I'm not in the right mood to deal with it, and definitely not when trans stuff has recently been in the news.
So I'm not sure how to heal it, I just avoid it. When I was in middle school, I got in a lot of trouble for fighting back. I didn't really make a choice to stop fighting, guys just got tired of losing to someone that "fights like a girl"...
I kind of just avoid being around and talking to conservative types. Realize the only thing that will shut them up is a fist to the face, rational arguments don't work because they are irrational.
I had my share of fights, they were over fast. Worst was being molested by a guy on a football team, when we went to a combined wrestling and football event. I left knuckle imprints on his cheekbones, but the damage from that incident was done, my gender responded, and with a busload of guys, it was extremely embarrassing. As to the other, we have rules in the house about what gets watched and where, this was more or less an unfortunate incident, my wife was trying to find unpoliticized news and it was on in the living room and I overheard it. At least it wasn't Fox, but the damage was done anyway. I didn't fight like a girl. I fought like an explosion you never saw coming.
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Post by Leena on Jul 8, 2020 7:47:03 GMT 8
Well, I don't tune in to Pat Robertson or other shows that make me angry. At least not when I'm not in the right mood to deal with it, and definitely not when trans stuff has recently been in the news.
So I'm not sure how to heal it, I just avoid it. When I was in middle school, I got in a lot of trouble for fighting back. I didn't really make a choice to stop fighting, guys just got tired of losing to someone that "fights like a girl"...
I kind of just avoid being around and talking to conservative types. Realize the only thing that will shut them up is a fist to the face, rational arguments don't work because they are irrational.
I had my share of fights, they were over fast. Worst was being molested by a guy on a football team, when we went to a combined wrestling and football event. I left knuckle imprints on his cheekbones, but the damage from that incident was done, my gender responded, and with a busload of guys, it was extremely embarrassing. As to the other, we have rules in the house about what gets watched and where, this was more or less an unfortunate incident, my wife was trying to find unpoliticized news and it was on in the living room and I overheard it. At least it wasn't Fox, but the damage was done anyway. I didn't fight like a girl. I fought like an explosion you never saw coming. Sometimes it just is unavoidable, like when you are in some waiting room when it's on. Already had that happen. Not much you can do other than play around on your phone and pretend you aren't paying attention. Eventually it'll be over and you can get in the car and play some loud music.
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DES Trans
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Nov 5, 2015 13:41:59 GMT 8
November 2015
trinity
Non-Binary
Sh'e, H'er, they them, she, he, whatever....
Bisexual
Faithfully Married.
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Post by Trinity on Jul 8, 2020 8:40:03 GMT 8
I had my share of fights, they were over fast. Worst was being molested by a guy on a football team, when we went to a combined wrestling and football event. I left knuckle imprints on his cheekbones, but the damage from that incident was done, my gender responded, and with a busload of guys, it was extremely embarrassing. As to the other, we have rules in the house about what gets watched and where, this was more or less an unfortunate incident, my wife was trying to find unpoliticized news and it was on in the living room and I overheard it. At least it wasn't Fox, but the damage was done anyway. I didn't fight like a girl. I fought like an explosion you never saw coming. Sometimes it just is unavoidable, like when you are in some waiting room when it's on. Already had that happen. Not much you can do other than play around on your phone and pretend you aren't paying attention. Eventually it'll be over and you can get in the car and play some loud music. Noise cancelling headphones.
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January 2015
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Post by Ativan Prescribed on Jul 8, 2020 9:42:49 GMT 8
The rage I have in me is controlled by the idea that it serves no purpose and letting it get to you is just what the weak bigots want you to feel, its their way of what they think is owning you, pissing you off. It was like that always growing up, and the only people smart enough to not piss me off were the ones who I let that rage out on, and it was bad at times, but I also got respect from older and bigger people because they knew. Nowadays and for most of my adult life, I let it just sit there and refuse to let it taint my reality, its quietly sitting there ready to be used if necessary and thats where it stays, I get mad, madder than hell about things, but rage isn't a part of that. For me, its like a secret weapon of a sort, I know I can call it up in a split second if I needed to, but there isn't a need to be that over the top, not when I can just make fun of anyone I want to if they try to alter my reality by inserting theirs.
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kalima
New Member
Posts: 45
Gender: Non-binary / pangender
Presentation: Androgynous
Presentation: Androgynous
Pronouns: They/Their/Them
Pronouns: Depends on context
Orientation: Pansexual
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kalima
Non-binary / pangender
Androgynous
Androgynous
They/Their/Them
Depends on context
Pansexual
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Post by kalima on Jul 11, 2020 8:59:39 GMT 8
I am also going out as little as possible. The pandemic came just in time for me -- I needed some time to hole up safely. But in truth, now I am feeling kind of paralyzed. I wouldn't want to go out right now even if there was no pandemic. I make about one trip to the store and one visit to my therapist per week. That is enough. Why do you feel fearful or paralyzed? Isolation- due to appearence, being read, or tired of being brave? Back to this part of the thread. The dilemma is this: I present as the unique mixture of male and female that comprises by gender and I imagine interactions with everyone I know being tense and fraught. I present as male and people think they are interacting with me, but really it is just part of me, and it reinforces my own mental grooves of male inner domination that denied my non-binariness for decades. I feel like I am a few steps behind the rest of you, and haven't even developed my story to explain how I am different from the me that people think I am.
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Post by Ativan Prescribed on Jul 11, 2020 9:45:50 GMT 8
You aren't behind, think of it this way, you know who you are and it isn't any business of others, so by just being and that they don't know, you are in stealth mode. Be concerned for those who matter the most to you, there is no reason to make a point of being yourself if people in general are not going to be aware enough to even care, they care about what they think, not what you think. Society wants and in some ways demands that you reveal yourself for them, but what are they hiding themselves, people are not who they want you to think they are and you don't have to be who they want you to be, just be yourself. There is no way of presenting that is going to make people think one way or the other like you want them to see you as, honestly, just about everyone is trying to give off some kind of message about themselves and very very few people manage to pull that off. It's like brand t shirts, do you think someone wearing a Fender Guitar T shirt is a musician or big time fan of their guitars or is it that they want you to think they do or, did they get a deal on the shirt and don't know one guitar from the other? What all of society wants is to know who the person in front of them is all about, but not because they want to know that person, they want to know for themselves for their own reasons, and sure a lot of people care, but not if you are different enough, they care if you are similar is about it. Stealth is pretty much what most everyone is to begin with, rarely are people who they seem to be up front, and if someone wants to harass you because they think they know you, all they know is what they think they know about you, they don't know the person, they are only interested in the type. This is true about 99% of the time, but if people just dropped the idea that some are better than others and that nobody is really better than the next person, peoples fears of society would be gone and it would be a much more peaceful world to live in. Remember the 9/11 scare of terrorists everywhere and how persecuted even people with beards became? People thought they knew a person because they had a beard, but they don't, just like they don't know anyone by appearances, if that was what mattered, we would all dress exactly the same way. And that becomes this really weird visual like everyone wearing a business suit and tie, everyone, same haircut, same colors, walk the same way, and once that starts to creep into peoples minds about this person looks like this or that, what is it that they really want? What people want is to know you and to be able to say this and that because of how you look to them, to them and they are right because thats the way that mindset works, they have to be able to see you and instantly judge you as friend or foe. Back in the 60's when guys started to wear their hair long again, it was to upset the status quo, which had everyone looking the same, and it upset the shit out of people because they had no idea how to take people with long hair, so they set up this you are a friend or foe network in society that determined everything about everyone based on simple differences in appearance, and it was and still is comical because how you present has nothing to do with abilities and whether you are an asshole or nice person. But that thinking has swung around again and there is this he/she thing going on where society has to know gender, as if it is the difference that makes a difference in people, the right wants to know, they have to know so they can judge you. But all in all, by just not giving them anything to think about, they go on with their business and keep a sharp eye out for those dissenters of society, they have the need to judge you, so by staying stealth to a degree that is comfortable, they don't know and that makes them nervous. How are they supposed to be able to tell things that are none of their business like gender if you don't make it obvious to them? They get nervous and by making them nervous, they become demanding that fashion takes over and that you self identify yourself for them, so they don't have to be nervous. There is always going to be the assholes in the world who don't want to reveal that they are the assholes of the world, yet they demand that you do and this is what society tells you to do, to dress as yourself so they can identify you and then make those snap judgement about you. So don't get to overboard with how you present, it isn't about you wanting others to know, its about them demanding that you show them and if you don't, then somehow or other you need to feel guilty so they don't have to. Don't try to show who you are to society, show who you are to those who matter. Lots of rambling there and I know, not everything makes sense but when you think about society, how much sense does it make?
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