Hey Newbies- ask us a question! :)

[Trinity]

Ask us anything, we are here to help- what do you want to know about NB, living as we do, don't be shy



Big hugs

[veganicecream]

Hi,

I am curious about how "coming-out" has worked, how to navigate the scenarios where coming-out feels like it would be detrimental (maybe even dangerous); or ones where it wouldn't be in person (due to distance, or suppose currently due to pandemic).

I'm also curious about how to manage the urge and desire to be true to myself without being non-binary becoming the primary definer of me, though that is partly out of my control as it relates to how others would look at me.

[Yuki]

May 10, 2020 13:05:18 GMT 8 veganicecream said:

Hi,

I am curious about how "coming-out" has worked, how to navigate the scenarios where coming-out feels like it would be detrimental (maybe even dangerous); or ones where it wouldn't be in person (due to distance, or suppose currently due to pandemic).

I'm also curious about how to manage the urge and desire to be true to myself without being non-binary becoming the primary definer of me, though that is partly out of my control as it relates to how others would look at me.

Coming out is slow, and as you feel safe to do so.

If it's a case where it would feel detrimental, then most of us on here kind of weigh the options and the consequences. Sometimes, it isn't always best to come out right now in every case. Sometimes it's only good to come out to some, and not to others at the moment, while you work things out.

I'm out to everyone that knows me because most of my family is crap anyway and it didn't matter to me if I ended up losing contact with all of them. But to others, losing contact with family might not be an option. It depends on what is most important to you. You can always take it slow and either come out slowly, or later on.. but you can't take it back.

That isn't to say that you shouldn't come out. It just depends on your situation. For example, you may not be in a position where you can afford to lose your job right now.

Or you may be in a position like mine where it doesn't really matter who knows.

I think, not seeing nonbinary as the main thing that defines you is something that comes with time. You only somewhat recently discovered it, so the excitement of figuring something out about yourself is new. Give it time and it will calm down some.. once it isn't shiny and new, anymore. It'll just become normal.

For me, now, I mainly only think about it if I'm having some issue with dysphoria. Or if gender gets brought up. Or if I realize something new. It's not a constant identifier in my head, anymore.

[Ativan Prescribed]

Your gender, your rules.
There is no reason why you have to come out to anyone, even when they ask, it's not like its anyone's business.
If there is a partner involved, then its best for it to be a slow process if you want to, but if they really know you then they have an idea anyways, even if they don't want to say the words NB or trans.
You don't have to define NB as trans even, you can if you think thats correct, but in some peoples minds, NB isn't anymore trans than cis binary is.
It's up to you and it isn't like you have to say what your gender is to anyone, its getting easier to go with some NB thing for ID like a drivers license.
It's simply not anyone's business unless they have to know for official documents, not even employment is necessary, while they say shit like it matters for this and that, tell them to just put whatever they want and if it comes back on you then it comes back on them for screwing it up.
It seriously isn't even a question in today's world, if you look like a woman then why are they even asking, same as if you look like a man and if they say they can't tell, then tell them that is their answer.
Gender is highly personal to everyone, and people asking are just in general baiting you so they can use it to run and tell others when its nobodies business, what difference does it make for 99.99% and more of things?
If people ask, just ask them theirs and when they tell you, argue the point and tell them they don't seem like they are, it gets the point across.

[veganicecream]

May 10, 2020 19:33:16 GMT 8 Yuki said:

Coming out is slow, and as you feel safe to do so.

If it's a case where it would feel detrimental, then most of us on here kind of weigh the options and the consequences. Sometimes, it isn't always best to come out right now in every case. Sometimes it's only good to come out to some, and not to others at the moment, while you work things out.

I'm out to everyone that knows me because most of my family is crap anyway and it didn't matter to me if I ended up losing contact with all of them. But to others, losing contact with family might not be an option. It depends on what is most important to you. You can always take it slow and either come out slowly, or later on.. but you can't take it back.

That isn't to say that you shouldn't come out. It just depends on your situation. For example, you may not be in a position where you can afford to lose your job right now.

Or you may be in a position like mine where it doesn't really matter who knows.

I think, not seeing nonbinary as the main thing that defines you is something that comes with time. You only somewhat recently discovered it, so the excitement of figuring something out about yourself is new. Give it time and it will calm down some.. once it isn't shiny and new, anymore. It'll just become normal.

For me, now, I mainly only think about it if I'm having some issue with dysphoria. Or if gender gets brought up. Or if I realize something new. It's not a constant identifier in my head, anymore.

Hi,

I think you hit the nail on the head, so to speak, when you said that you can’t take it back. I have come out to a couple of people, but fear the potential repercussions. I’m not worried about internally this defining me, I have a language I didn’t used to have, and a new world to explore, but there is nothing new in the sense of how I do not feel like a woman. I am more concerned about others seeing me in terms of my gender identity and not other parts of me, though this is of course not something that I can control.

I think I will take your advice and go slow, especially where I do not feel that it is safe.

thanks

[Trinity]

May 15, 2020 11:16:14 GMT 8 veganicecream said:

May 10, 2020 19:33:16 GMT 8 Yuki said:

Coming out is slow, and as you feel safe to do so.

If it's a case where it would feel detrimental, then most of us on here kind of weigh the options and the consequences. Sometimes, it isn't always best to come out right now in every case. Sometimes it's only good to come out to some, and not to others at the moment, while you work things out.

I'm out to everyone that knows me because most of my family is crap anyway and it didn't matter to me if I ended up losing contact with all of them. But to others, losing contact with family might not be an option. It depends on what is most important to you. You can always take it slow and either come out slowly, or later on.. but you can't take it back.

That isn't to say that you shouldn't come out. It just depends on your situation. For example, you may not be in a position where you can afford to lose your job right now.

Or you may be in a position like mine where it doesn't really matter who knows.

I think, not seeing nonbinary as the main thing that defines you is something that comes with time. You only somewhat recently discovered it, so the excitement of figuring something out about yourself is new. Give it time and it will calm down some.. once it isn't shiny and new, anymore. It'll just become normal.

For me, now, I mainly only think about it if I'm having some issue with dysphoria. Or if gender gets brought up. Or if I realize something new. It's not a constant identifier in my head, anymore.

Hi,

I think you hit the nail on the head, so to speak, when you said that you can’t take it back. I have come out to a couple of people, but fear the potential repercussions. I’m not worried about internally this defining me, I have a language I didn’t used to have, and a new world to explore, but there is nothing new in the sense of how I do not feel like a woman. I am more concerned about others seeing me in terms of my gender identity and not other parts of me, though this is of course not something that I can control.

I think I will take your advice and go slow, especially where I do not feel that it is safe.

thanks

Building our self esteem as who we really are, instead of as how others wish  to make us, is pretty key.   Once we are rock solid in who we are, knowing it is our truth and is in sinc to our mental, physical and spiritual needs and values, then we become strong enough to weather most of the mind games that are the bigger storms we face as NB and NB trans.

The revelation of who we are is an individual choice, and not a light one, I have revealed to those who could not be trusted and paid a heavy price for it, but I have also revealed to those who needed to know among the cis, and it changed everything, even to the point of how business was run among some of the leading companies in Orlando because it was groundbreaking to transition on the job and stay employed.

I was up to the task and had strong support and crippling dysphoria that drove me.  Some of us don't.

In your gut I think you know when to reveal and when to keep it safe.  Revealing your gender, well, it can be as intimate and risky as revealing who we are in the middle of the night.


You sound great, please keep sharing.

[peach]

When did you know you were non-binary and how do you know for sure that’s what you are?

[Trinity]

Dec 7, 2020 2:54:42 GMT 8 peach said:

When did you know you were non-binary and how do you know for sure that’s what you are?

From the crib, but never knew what it was.

Found out about nonbinary 7 years ago after beginning an MTF transition, thought I was just trans but knew something was different.

[peach]

Dec 7, 2020 4:10:31 GMT 8 Trinity said:

Dec 7, 2020 2:54:42 GMT 8 peach said:

When did you know you were non-binary and how do you know for sure that’s what you are?

From the crib, but never knew what it was.

Found out about nonbinary 7 years ago after beginning an MTF transition, thought I was just trans but knew something was different.

Yeah that’s exactly how I feel too. I come from a town with a population of 1000, so I just always knew I was different than everyone else but could never quite figure out why. Then why I came out as a lesbian I thought that would go away but it still hasn’t. Non-binary is so new to me. I have a lot of trans friends and I never have quite felt the way they do either. I don’t have a desire to change my name. I don’t even think I would mind still being called female pronouns. But when people misgender me and call me male pronouns, I do feel a sense of euphoria. I love the idea of having a body of a man, with muscles, body hair, etc. I just don’t know if I would ever want to fully transition.

I think that’s what being non-binary is right? Or I’m at least on the right track?

[Iona]

Dec 7, 2020 2:54:42 GMT 8 peach said:

When did you know you were non-binary and how do you know for sure that’s what you are?

For me, the first time thinking that something didnt feel quite right about being a 'boy' was when I was five. Then, having gone through a puberty that certainly didnt feel right i spent the next decade or so doing a whole lot of repressing.

I heard the concept of nonbinary some years ago now, but from the stories and experiences I heard I just understood it essentially to be androgeny, which didnt feel like me.

It was just about two years ago now that feeling pretty empty and wholly not me I started exploring again, and found a whole lot of stories that powerfully resonated with me.

Still I wouldnt say I was sure I was nonbinary, or quite what i was. I think over the last year (thanks to this forum!) or so I've come to feel that that's ok. It only helps to call myself nonbinary, or define myself at all, if it helps me to understand myself and communicate that to others.

Dec 7, 2020 4:23:36 GMT 8 peach said:

Yeah that’s exactly how I feel too. I come from a town with a population of 1000, so I just always knew I was different than everyone else but could never quite figure out why. Then why I came out as a lesbian I thought that would go away but it still hasn’t. Non-binary is so new to me. I have a lot of trans friends and I never have quite felt the way they do either. I don’t have a desire to change my name. I don’t even think I would mind still being called female pronouns. But when people misgender me and call me male pronouns, I do feel a sense of euphoria. I love the idea of having a body of a man, with muscles, body hair, etc. I just don’t know if I would ever want to fully transition.

I think that’s what being non-binary is right? Or I’m at least on the right track?

What you describe certainly could be nonbinary! It is about as wide a term as it needs to be to embrace us all.

I'd just suggest keep listening to peoples experiences, stories and ways to describe themselves, and see what makes sense to you.

just remember, you dont have to be like anyone else - just yourself!

(And bear in mind too, I'm very new to all this as well, so feel free to take all this with s grain of salt!)

[Leena]

Dec 7, 2020 2:54:42 GMT 8 peach said:

When did you know you were non-binary and how do you know for sure that’s what you are?

I'm still not totally sure, I thought I was a trans as a kid, but hadn't heard of nonbinary back then. When I was a young adult, there were a bunch of rules that required you to be straight and very feminine if you wanted MTF transition, and that just wasn't me. Those rules have relaxed quite a bit since then, but in the meantime I started identifying as genderfluid. Not sure that still fits now that I am transitioning and don't really do guy mode anymore.

[Trinity]

Dec 7, 2020 4:23:36 GMT 8 peach said:

Dec 7, 2020 4:10:31 GMT 8 Trinity said:

From the crib, but never knew what it was.

Found out about nonbinary 7 years ago after beginning an MTF transition, thought I was just trans but knew something was different.

Yeah that’s exactly how I feel too. I come from a town with a population of 1000, so I just always knew I was different than everyone else but could never quite figure out why. Then why I came out as a lesbian I thought that would go away but it still hasn’t. Non-binary is so new to me. I have a lot of trans friends and I never have quite felt the way they do either. I don’t have a desire to change my name. I don’t even think I would mind still being called female pronouns. But when people misgender me and call me male pronouns, I do feel a sense of euphoria. I love the idea of having a body of a man, with muscles, body hair, etc. I just don’t know if I would ever want to fully transition.

I think that’s what being non-binary is right? Or I’m at least on the right track?

It certainly sounds like it.

I don't mind the gendering, as long as it matches the presentation I am giving.  While I strongly identify with many trans people, there are a lot of differences in how I live and feel from binary trans.  I don't have a desire to LEGALLY change my name, I use my "dead" name all the time, and its fine.  Trinity is a stage name and a name I use when out stealth binary she in presentation and social function.

I grew up in a town of 1700 people in the 60's and 70's.  As far as the gender thing went, it was absolutely brutal until I got out of high school in 76, and then all hell broke loose as I went very wild, and sh'e went very feral...

Personally I am fullt transitioned female... or more accurately, fully transitioned 100% androgyne by defiinition.  I have no intention of GCS, due largely to circumstances, and I really enjoy my times out presenting male.

So in the broad nonbinary descriptive, it fits, and beyond that, I am just me, and it took a long time to find out who that really is.

Its funny how we feel among the binary trans, isn't it?  

[Leena]

I didn't think I wanted to change my legal name, but I really don't like being called my very masculine legal name when I'm presenting feminine. If they call it out in a waiting room, everyone stares at me. It really didn't bother me when I was still presenting masculine, but pretty much the only reason I still do that is to avoid that.

[peach]

Dec 7, 2020 7:19:28 GMT 8 Leena said:

Dec 7, 2020 2:54:42 GMT 8 peach said:

When did you know you were non-binary and how do you know for sure that’s what you are?

I'm still not totally sure, I thought I was a trans as a kid, but hadn't heard of nonbinary back then. When I was a young adult, there were a bunch of rules that required you to be straight and very feminine if you wanted MTF transition, and that just wasn't me. Those rules have relaxed quite a bit since then, but in the meantime I started identifying as genderfluid. Not sure that still fits now that I am transitioning and don't really do guy mode anymore.

That’s very similar to my situation. Because I was from such a small town they were even more so lacking when it came to being progressive. It was mind blowing enough to see a gay person. I thought transgender people were only people on television. I didn’t even consider it for myself. Especially knowing that I didn’t want to be all the way male. When I was a kid I was friends with all males and would run around without my shirt on with my cousins. When I started to develop breasts and my mom told me I had to start wearing a shirt, I cried and didn’t understand. When I had to start wearing a bra I would only wear black or blue shirts so my friends (who were boys) wouldn’t know I was wearing one. I have no desire to dress feminine, aside from wearing makeup occasionally. I still don’t feel as if I am transgender, though I wonder if micro dosing would eventually be something I would want to do further in my discovery.

[peach]

Dec 7, 2020 7:19:41 GMT 8 Trinity said:

Dec 7, 2020 4:23:36 GMT 8 peach said:

Yeah that’s exactly how I feel too. I come from a town with a population of 1000, so I just always knew I was different than everyone else but could never quite figure out why. Then why I came out as a lesbian I thought that would go away but it still hasn’t. Non-binary is so new to me. I have a lot of trans friends and I never have quite felt the way they do either. I don’t have a desire to change my name. I don’t even think I would mind still being called female pronouns. But when people misgender me and call me male pronouns, I do feel a sense of euphoria. I love the idea of having a body of a man, with muscles, body hair, etc. I just don’t know if I would ever want to fully transition.

I think that’s what being non-binary is right? Or I’m at least on the right track?

It certainly sounds like it.

I don't mind the gendering, as long as it matches the presentation I am giving.  While I strongly identify with many trans people, there are a lot of differences in how I live and feel from binary trans.  I don't have a desire to LEGALLY change my name, I use my "dead" name all the time, and its fine.  Trinity is a stage name and a name I use when out stealth binary she in presentation and social function.

I grew up in a town of 1700 people in the 60's and 70's.  As far as the gender thing went, it was absolutely brutal until I got out of high school in 76, and then all hell broke loose as I went very wild, and sh'e went very feral...

Personally I am fullt transitioned female... or more accurately, fully transitioned 100% androgyne by defiinition.  I have no intention of GCS, due largely to circumstances, and I really enjoy my times out presenting male.

So in the broad nonbinary descriptive, it fits, and beyond that, I am just me, and it took a long time to find out who that really is.

Its funny how we feel among the binary trans, isn't it?  

I always panicked at the thought of changing my name or going through all the legalities. I give all the props in the world to my transgender brothers and sisters. I can’t imagine how hard that is. I really thank you for taking the time to share with me. It’s helped immensely already.