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Post by Deleted on Nov 3, 2016 16:39:26 GMT 8
I know I thought about it a few times before transition. There were some pretty bleak days back then, feeling like the universe was against me, nothing in my life going right. Still, I have always had this innate sense of purpose since I was maybe 13 years old. It's that feeling that has always propelled me forward.
I believe we all have a purpose in this life. It won't necessarily be obvious to you, but we all have a part to play in the cause of life. The more we all can attempt to be mindful of it, the easier it will be to pull yourself together and not check out early. Well, maybe not all since some people have serious imbalances going on, but I have seen ECT treatment alleviate severe depression in people will success.
Anyway... the contemplation of suicide, in retrospect, is curious. I was low enough in my life to think about ending it, but I just could never go through with it. I faced my fears, and did what I had to do to overcome 33 years of dysphoria. It was the best decision I've ever made.
But it isn't a cure-all. There will be dark moments to come, but now you will have the resilience and willpower to get through them. I've been single for over 10 years, and I thought I'd probably be single the rest of my life. Plus, I've seen less and less of my friends, only to make new ones along the way.
And now I'm talking to a girl, and we clicked immediately. We haven't gone a day yet where we haven't been connected, sharing music with each other, talking about our lives, feeling closer and closer each day. It has been such a wholly real and joyous experience. My point, though, is that you have to realise that when everything seems to be completely fucked and that your life seems to be going nowhere it isn't forever. You have to grin and bear it, because there is a light on the other side. And the more you love yourself the stronger it will make you so that you can get through the shit with finesse.
Life is a wonderful, beautiful, treacherous, chaotic phenomenon, and every experience is a lesson to be learned. I don't condemn anyone for choosing to give up, but I have to encourage them to hang in there just a little longer. It gets better when you decide with pure intent that there is no other option than for it to get better. You have to consciously set things in motion, and know — not just hope and believe — but know that it will.
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Post by Annys on Nov 3, 2016 19:30:39 GMT 8
It's the sense of purpose that pisses me off more than anything else sometimes. "Potential," some people call it. It's clear to myself and others I'm supposed to do something amazingly awesome. A self-grandiose delusion, I call it, when existence itself seems to be the purpose (and not a very fulfilling one).
What possible purpose or potential can there truly be for a creature such as I, who often cannot self-motivate enough to even provide for basic, physical needs?
Failure is everywhere, especially within.
What keeps me going are the small bits of Good I occasionally manage to achieve in others' lives from time to time. Acts of Good I even dissociate from; it doesn't even feel like Me doing it. But they do happen; and I am indeed an occasional vessel if nothing else. Small, insignificant impacts for the better that would not have happened had I not failed to end myself, too.
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Post by Trinity on Nov 4, 2016 0:10:42 GMT 8
Killing my life does come up, has come up. But it takes another form, one that is far more treacherous than the simple one.
Once the dreams die, once the hope fades, when all that I fear becomes my truth, what is left.
New dreams, new purposes. New hopes.
But the choice I would make is a simple one, it is the one of the full transition narrative, the old ts way of saying to hell with everyone else, I am going to follow that path. In the heat of trans puberty, making life decisions with collateral damage that reaches the ends of my life.
What is suicide but closing a door permanently and opening another into the great unknown.... I could kill my life so easily. A set of car keys, a map, some cash, and run....disappear and start over in stealth, as sh'e. Vanish.
But instead, I reach out to others, give hope, make sacrifices, do what I must for those I love, for those who love me. And gently, slowly, I make that transition to the life I dream of living, so that I do not kill the life I had, but transform it into a new life, with the old safely kept restored.
I get depressed, to a point of pain that is debilitating, it does happen. But its not the way of the warrior to collapse and kill the life that is and was. its the way of the warrior to protect, and to face the fear, and to choose to live, and take others into safety on the treacherous deep paths of the unicorn forest.
And we all do that, by simply sharing the lives and the stuggles we have, and having the courage to carry on, and face it, and own all of who we are, the good, the bad, everything. Just by being, since we are the rare ones, the unicorn genders, those who need us take hope, and carry on.
Choices, upon choices. But we need to keep our dreams alive, I do, for without that, hope slowly dies, and life becomes nothing more than an empty room and a lonely heart, and in the end, nothing matters any more.
Every one of us matters. More than we can ever know, we matter.
So live and touch lives. In the end, it will save your own.
IMO
Trinity Satin Joy
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Post by Jennifer (Tink) on Nov 20, 2016 5:22:52 GMT 8
This may or may not be a TW but I will put it out there.
I have actually attempted suicide twice years ago. First one wasn't really harmful. The second one almost took my life. My daughter, who was 6 at the time, found me and called 911. It was just me and her in the house. They told me at the hospital afterwards if it wasn't for her, I wouldn't have made it. I was also told that the police officer who came to save me (turned out to be a good friend of mine) hurt his back so badly he went on medical leave for 6 months.
Over the past decade I have had my ups and downs. Deep downs if you have read any of my posts here. But whenever the thought of suicide comes up nowadays, I just think back to what I put my daughter through and have vowed I would never, ever do that again.
The way I get through it is by having those memories, talking to my son, talking to my friends and then just hang on until the wave passes. There have been some sheer hell moments, especially over the last 6 months. But after every episode I have taken a step back and evaluate what just happened. What were my triggers, what was my weakness. Every time I have grown stronger for it and am now in a place where I know how to keep myself safe during those times.
For anyone that is close or on the brink, just remember there is always a purpose you are here. Many times it isn't evident and sometimes it's clear. I have mentioned that to a few people here that their acts of kindness and words have a far more impact than just me. I take those lessons and pass them onto others I know.
In the end , when it's tough to see the light, I have always said wait on the decision and if you are still feeling that way in the morning then decide. Everytime, I have decided not to because of giving myself time to think things through.
:hugs:
-- Jenn
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Post by Lisa-WB on Nov 30, 2016 14:21:15 GMT 8
I too have had thoughts of it when I hit my lower points. However, what keeps me going is that I really want to see what life would be like if I can live my truth and be authentic in my life. I don't want to give up, even when all hope feels lost, I still don't want to give up on my dream.
My wife attempted to take her life not too long ago and not too long after I came out to her as trans. The pain of that experience and watching all that my wife had to go through to recover from it is additional perspective for me when I'm feeling at my lowest ever since.
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Post by Deleted on Dec 3, 2016 15:15:10 GMT 8
Thanks, everyone, for your stories. I've been rather occupied with life (or something to that effect), dealing with where I'm going to live next, meeting someone amazing only to screw things up (as usual), finding out my SSI has been cut off (despite having been told my amount would go back to $733 from $488 after my 2-year review), therefore dealing with how I'm going to pay rent wherever I move to if it isn't the street. It's just one thing after another, and I don't know how to process it or what to do about it.
I have very little life experience. I've always struggled keeping a job due to pain and autistic anxiety, and I've relied on that measly $733 a month to stay afloat. I haven't had a job since Hurricane Ike, and it was only for two weeks through a temp agency before being let go for bullshit reasons. I have never been able to hold a job for long. The longest was three months until I got overwhelmed, overstressed, and yelled at an annoying customer. And then there's the issue of being trans without updated name and gender marker (and of being trans, in general). There's no way I would be able to do a job well while having to force myself into "guy mode". That part of my life is over, and I'm never going back to it, ever.
So, I can't just go out and get a job like normal people. I've been suggested to try a call center, but I have phone anxiety and poor working memory. I would lose my mind. All I know how to do is advertise myself online (social networks and Upwork) as a freelance photographer and hope for the best. Maybe I'll fix the SSI issue, and maybe not. If they won't reinstate it then that means I have to reapply and probably make a court appeal after being denied, and stuff like that intimidates me. No one has ever helped me to manage things on my own. My mother has always been the clever smooth talker for me. But now she is slave to addiction and impossible to talk to, and narcissistic beyond belief.
I feel helpless. I see no solutions. But for some reason I don't feel as worried as I think I should be, because it has been my experience that some window of opportunity reveals itself to me at the very last minute. I have no sense of urgency. It's depressing, and I'm completely clueless, but I just have this calm sense that everything will be resolved when it should be. I feel like I shouldn't be feeling like that at all, that I should be panicking and rushing to fix everything as quickly as I can, but I don't feel that inside. My intuition is saying, "relax, be mindful, and act when prompted," while my logical mind is having a fit.
As Newt Scamander said in Fantastic Beasts, "My philosophy is... worrying means you suffer twice." How true that is. So, here's to not worrying as best as I can.
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Post by Leena on Dec 3, 2016 16:35:56 GMT 8
There's no way I would be able to do a job well while having to force myself into "guy mode". That part of my life is over, and I'm never going back to it, ever.
So, I can't just go out and get a job like normal people. I've been suggested to try a call center, but I have phone anxiety and poor working memory. I would lose my mind.
I actually used to work in a call center for a few years. It's not as scary as it sounds. I am way shyer than you are, at least at personal things, but it never is about personal things, just following a script... The one I worked at let you choose your "name", as long as your stayed consistent...initials can work too, and are pretty much always androgynous... You could totally do it, quite a number of my coworkers there were like total airhead stupid...and did well!!! It might not be the best fit for you, but you could totally do it for awhile...
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Post by Deleted on Dec 3, 2016 16:50:20 GMT 8
There's no way I would be able to do a job well while having to force myself into "guy mode". That part of my life is over, and I'm never going back to it, ever.
So, I can't just go out and get a job like normal people. I've been suggested to try a call center, but I have phone anxiety and poor working memory. I would lose my mind.
I actually used to work in a call center for a few years. It's not as scary as it sounds. I am way shyer than you are, at least at personal things, but it never is about personal things, just following a script... The one I worked at let you choose your "name", as long as your stayed consistent...initials can work too, and are pretty much always androgynous... You could totally do it, quite a number of my coworkers there were like total airhead stupid...and did well!!! It might not be the best fit for you, but you could totally do it for awhile... I once applied to a local advertising newspaper called Greensheet as a proof reader. That's the job I thought I was getting, anyway. They wanted me to take people's call-in ad requests for the first three months. They had a script, too, but you can't always follow that when a customer is being difficult or dumping a ton of info on you to enter immediately into the computer system. I can't do that. My working memory is total crap. I would be asking every caller to repeat everything constantly. I didn't even start the job, because I couldn't even get through the practice phone call. I don't even call to order pizza. I don't talk to friends or family on the phone. If I see them calling I wait until the ringing stops and text them. It's not about being shy, it's just a neurological fluke. I can't explain it. I'm fine with talking to people in person (for the most part), but my mind just shuts down when I have to communicate with some disembodied voice. It might be a thing I can one day overcome, but I've always been this way.
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Post by Leena on Dec 3, 2016 17:14:44 GMT 8
I actually used to work in a call center for a few years. It's not as scary as it sounds. I am way shyer than you are, at least at personal things, but it never is about personal things, just following a script... The one I worked at let you choose your "name", as long as your stayed consistent...initials can work too, and are pretty much always androgynous... You could totally do it, quite a number of my coworkers there were like total airhead stupid...and did well!!! It might not be the best fit for you, but you could totally do it for awhile... I once applied to a local advertising newspaper called Greensheet as a proof reader. That's the job I thought I was getting, anyway. They wanted me to take people's call-in ad requests for the first three months. They had a script, too, but you can't always follow that when a customer is being difficult or dumping a ton of info on you to enter immediately into the computer system. I can't do that. My working memory is total crap. I would be asking every caller to repeat everything constantly. I didn't even start the job, because I couldn't even get through the practice phone call. I don't even call to order pizza. I don't talk to friends or family on the phone. If I see them calling I wait until the ringing stops and text them. It's not about being shy, it's just a neurological fluke. I can't explain it. I'm fine with talking to people in person (for the most part), but my mind just shuts down when I have to communicate with some disembodied voice. It might be a thing I can one day overcome, but I've always been this way.I still think you could do it, based on some of the people I used to work with... That said, it was just a suggestion, and it isn't even all that great of a job, more of a short term stopgap possiblility...seriously don't feel bad that it doesn't fit you... I'm oddly much better over the phone than in person...don't feel bad, in person is usually more important...
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Post by Deleted on Dec 3, 2016 17:41:23 GMT 8
I once applied to a local advertising newspaper called Greensheet as a proof reader. That's the job I thought I was getting, anyway. They wanted me to take people's call-in ad requests for the first three months. They had a script, too, but you can't always follow that when a customer is being difficult or dumping a ton of info on you to enter immediately into the computer system. I can't do that. My working memory is total crap. I would be asking every caller to repeat everything constantly. I didn't even start the job, because I couldn't even get through the practice phone call. I don't even call to order pizza. I don't talk to friends or family on the phone. If I see them calling I wait until the ringing stops and text them. It's not about being shy, it's just a neurological fluke. I can't explain it. I'm fine with talking to people in person (for the most part), but my mind just shuts down when I have to communicate with some disembodied voice. It might be a thing I can one day overcome, but I've always been this way. I still think you could do it, based on some of the people I used to work with... That said, it was just a suggestion, and it isn't even all that great of a job, more of a short term stopgap possiblility...seriously don't feel bad that it doesn't fit you... I'm oddly much better over the phone than in person...don't feel bad, in person is usually more important... Maybe I can, but it would first take a lot of practice in overcoming that anxiety. I don't want to limit myself or convince myself that I'm incapable of anything, but I dread ever having to experience that kind of anxiety. It kicks my ass and I have a meltdown. Being on the autism spectrum has been one of the biggest nuisances of my life aside from gender dysphoria. I hurt people's feelings, I often come across as insensitive and arrogant when I'm not, I lose jobs, and I lose partners. Gracie, on the other hand, has seemed to be willing to be okay with it, and to help me cope with it. I just hope I didn't royally screw up with my Facebook outburst. I haven't talked to her in almost a week, and I'm worried and paranoid. Losing her would be like losing the ability to appreciate beauty. I don't know if I could handle it.
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Post by EchelonHunt on Dec 4, 2016 0:04:36 GMT 8
I can understand the phone thing.
I am deaf. I have never used a phone in my life, the times I have tried to, the mechanical voice is so difficult for me to comprehend, I have difficulty understanding the person, even those of my family whom I have known and heard for years, whose voices you'd think I'd be able to recognise and hear easily. Reason being is because I rely on visual cues (lip-reading) to help me understand what the person is saying. With phone calls, there is no ability to read the person's lips so my confidence is completely shattered. I also hear the loud buzzing interference signal that layers heavily over the person's voice which is incredibly disorientating.
Then I had the cochlear implant, the sound is much louder and clearer, noticeably less buzzing interference but I still have yet to practise using it. I kind of need to push myself into using it more with the CI since I plan to move to the UK and live independently. I'm partially hoping I can just rely on email and txt messages but that might just be wishful thinking...
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Post by Ativan Prescribed on Dec 4, 2016 3:28:55 GMT 8
Lots of down attitudes on here lately, and it's mainly been since the election. I've had my share of problems over the last year, it was a little over a year ago that I was thrown back into psyche unit. Most of the reasoning that got me there was based on lies told, things that didn't happen. I spent 3 months in the hell of an endless parade of people who came and went with disorders that were never defined to me or others because of privacy BS. Had to wonder if they were dangerous or just really off the wall people, it took some time to figure those things out. Most of the time, I just spent walking the hallway and staring out the windows at each end, watching an entire season go by from 5 stories up. I'm still in the same place that I escaped to, and still stuck in the system. 7 months now, and everyday is pretty much the same as the day before, and I know that tomorrow will be a repeat of today and all the days I've been here. I do get out once in a while, but am dependent on staff here to take me places, lately though a new one likes to just drive around almost aimlessly. That works for me, we can spend a couple hours, to sometimes a good share of the day, just going places, looking to see what there is to see. But that even is becoming the same old same old, but still much better than being stuck in my room. I don't hang out in the rest of the house, the other people here are lost in their own worlds of disorders that are are far worse than my depression is. They changed my diagnosis to bipolar for some reason, there are no manic episodes, just low level depression that gets pretty bad some days. A lot of that has to do with everyday being the same, day in, day out... I have the internet and I do read the stuff here most everyday, but find it hard to comment anymore, I feel like it would just be a negative comment. Like this one is... My computer started to crap out on me and was blue screening all the time, starting slow, needing restarts, just not working right. So I spent the money on a new one, got another blue screen on this one and finally the error message gave me something to go on, googled it. Turns out it was a bad file in the video card, did a forced update and a few other tweaks and it seems better, but still slow. Takes way to long to start up, it was much faster. Still trying to figure that out. Bottom line is that it all threw me so badly, I started up with the ideation again, and it's become a daily thing for over a week... It sucks to know that I can and would simply off myself if I felt things were bad enough, once there before, and did try a few times, it becomes easier. It becomes harder to overcome the ideation because I know how to do it in so many ways and am really not afraid of a little pain that might go along with it. I don't have access to any good drugs or quantities of them, so it just comes down to other ways, part of ideation is the creativity of just how to do it. It's been a rough few weeks, the last being really bad, the whole computer thing set me off when it really shouldn't have, but the boredom is only relieved by the internet. If I lost that, the ability to lose myself in cheap YouTube videos and movies, Netflix in the evening, being able to be here reading, even the dreaded FB experience... I'd have little to do other than just stare out the window, pretty much like the 3 months in the hospital, where ideation was an overpowering thing that was an almost constant. It was a trip through hell to me, it wasn't the first time doing that, but it went on for what felt like forever and I didn't need to be there in the first place. I have applications out to a few places that are 55+ apt buildings in a small town where I sort of come from. The places have subsidized apts and of course there is a waiting list that everyone gets put on. They each have market value ones that go for a lot more money per month, and I got offered one in the place I want to at the most. I worked the numbers over and over, I have some cash on hand that I could use to get me by and worked that into the equation. The thing is, if I did take the market value place, it would put me in place for the next subsidized place that opens up, a really good deal if one opened right away. There is no way of knowing when one will open up, people move, people die, pretty much what has to happen to get one. I could be looking at months before one opened, it could be in as little as one month, a gamble to be sure. I've spent the last few days in shear agony over it, if I took the place, I could easily run out of money in a matter of months, with no way of ever getting that kind of cash on hand again. But it is and was tantalizing to think about getting out of here for a few days, but I know I can't take that kind of chance. If I ran out of money, I would become too depressed and I know that this time around I would off myself, no second chance kind of thing there. So suicide has been at the front of my thoughts for a few days now and it was in the back of those thoughts for longer, contemplating what life would be like without the internet. I did buy another computer, it sits in the box for now, I still don't trust my old workhorse computer, it is 5 yrs old now, but still, it has more computing power than any out of the box ones. I had it made so that I could use Photoshop with my photography fun I was having back then, it doesn't even hesitate when doing stuff like that with it. But I got bored with that and just use it to be online, but I can have a lot of stuff open and running at one time, using dual screens and wish I had even more of them. But the whole thing for the last week or more has been just a few little things that have gone south a bit and I'm in such a stable sameness rut that it almost threw me over the edge. I still have a cash reserve that is vital to my mental well-being, I do have a new backup computer or one I can get my money back on, and I've decided to stay put and weather the sameness. A subsidized place that I can just afford on my SS, as well as a few benefits, will come along sooner or later. So for now, I just have to endure a winter that I haven't had in two years, the painfully aggravating situation I live in, and hope for the best. I think I've made it past the point of actually moving towards suicide, but the ideation is still there for now. I know this is a long, almost never ending comment, and I just needed to get it out, to say something... Can't keep it bottled up or it might get worse... I'm sorry that I haven't been active much here, life feels to negative for the most part. Sorry I can't really help out with things, I wish I could, but I feel like I'm just barely holding my own most of the time. But today is a better day than most I've been having and getting this out and explaining things helps me to maybe cope with the winter season that's coming here in the land of the windchill factor. I hope all of you who are in the middle of problems and crisis's are going to be OK, I know things are just bad all around for many right now. I'm still hoping that things will get better for us all, that this country will right itself and do the right thing for the people who need it the most, those who aren't the top 2%. I think the election has shown the worst this country has to offer and I think that the people will do what they need to make it right again. Still stuck with some ideation, but still have hope, holding out for better things to come my way and hope that it does for you too. Ativan
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Post by Trinity on Dec 4, 2016 4:37:05 GMT 8
We are going to get through this. Its a matter 9f outlasting the bullshit.
I feel like i am up to my neck in it. I sometimes think of slitting my wrists, watching it pool and flow out.
But there are people i care about that would be hurt. You are one of them that I fare very deeply for.
Its when i feel hopeless that its the worst, but there are always other choices that can be made, if i was strong enough.
Thats the problem. I want to run and start over, but i cant.
My living situati9n is intollerable, but its not like when i hit bottom on booze.
Its about seasons. Winter will pass. Then the spring. But we gotta make 9urselves as comfortable as we can during winter.
Im so down i havent taken my shot yet. I frankpy feel like ive been treated like shit.
No there are lots of reasons to keep going.
When i thought you had suicided it was the worst mourning i ever had. I cried for weeks. But you survived the hospital.
Our lives, all of us, are entwined together. Sometimes things happen, feelings hurt, dark things.
We have to remember we are not alone.
But the pain can be too much too. Its part of trans.
We lost l9ved one this year, in the trans nb aa group. Two suicided.
We just have to pay attention and do what we can.
So for tonight, lets stay alive.
Trinity
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Post by Annys on Dec 4, 2016 4:56:03 GMT 8
My small talk to "how are you" is "I'm still alive. Still here!"
It throws people off, and in that I'm not surprised. People don't know just what that means to me.
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Post by Ativan Prescribed on Dec 4, 2016 5:18:06 GMT 8
I've broken down and am taking very low dose klonopin during the day to help with the anxiety, which is the cause of ideation. I see my shrink in a little over a week and plan on having her up the dose that I have for klonopin, which is as low as it goes right now. It doesn't take very much to pull me back from the edge, I don't get 'high', not even close from it, but it does pull me back. Even what I think of as low level depression is more than that, I'm just so used to it I can deal with it as it is, which is pretty bad sometimes. But that isn't what sends me over the edge, it's the anxiety that comes from it, from the horribly negative attitude that comes with my depression. I think I'll up my dose of med for that as well, I usually do over the winter, the lack of daylight really gets to me. But I'm sure I can make it through this and won't be doing anything stupid, and neither should any of you,.. but the sad thing is, it does happen. One of the things people here can do is to speak up about it, just the act of writing about it makes it better, even if it seems like it wouldn't. It's the first step in stopping the pain, which push's the ideation to the edge, the breaking point. I'm not afraid of talking about it, so been there done that kind of thing.... We need to have each others emotional backs when we can, help pull ourselves up by our boot straps. We can get through it, we just need to be able to talk about it for what it really is, the pain of being is sometimes just too much. But like most every pain we have, it eventually gets better and the way to do that is to speak up, let others know. It helps me to just write this out, just like the last comment did. Outlasting the bullshit, that's how you get better, you outlast it.
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