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Post by Deleted on Feb 4, 2015 17:15:05 GMT 8
So... I will be coming out to my Grandmother (mom's side) this morning. This is a tough one, but I know it won't be as tough as it could be. She is very open-minded and tolerant, even for a Republican Christian, but no one in the family has ever come out as gay, lesbian or transgender. I'm not just some random cousin or sibling; I'm her grandchild, and she is the only person on that side of the family that I talk to anymore since my mother is off the deep end mentally. So, she deserves to know what's going on. Wish me luck!
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Post by Deleted on Feb 4, 2015 17:20:30 GMT 8
This is the part that always sucks, even when the response is positive. I feel like I'm dumping a truck full of dildos in someone's lap every time.
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Post by LivingTheDream on Feb 4, 2015 17:40:39 GMT 8
Good luck, hope it goes well. I may do a little myself this week to a few people. It's just hard, hard to bring it up, mouth don't wanna open. I always go into it saying, gonna do it, gonna do it, then when I don't, feel like shit, so just gonna say it is a possibility , trick myself maybe. One day, one way or another, it will happen.
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Post by Deleted on Feb 4, 2015 17:54:18 GMT 8
When someone knows you by a certain name, certain gender and certain pronouns for over thirty years — especially family — you know it is initially one of the heaviest things for them to carry forth. My Grandmother is very oblivious to things, so I know it's going to throw her for a serious loop. All she has to do is (if she can at her age) think back over the years on many occasions where my reactions or behaviors were far from typical for a male. I will most likely remind her, anyway, and tell her all of the things she couldn't have known. I don't know about anyone else, but being trans has made me a very good actor. You have to suppress so much and put on a façade so that nobody looks at you strange or makes assumptions. Then you just can't do it anymore and feel good about yourself, and that's on top of any gender dysphoria. And since she's in her 70s she probably thinks very stereotypically, so I'll have to explain to her all the basics like how transitioning has nothing to do with sexual orientation. This is going to be intense, but I'm ready.
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Post by Laura J on Feb 4, 2015 21:39:59 GMT 8
Best of luck. You have an eloquent way with words, I'm sure she will understand fine. Like all new things, it may take time. Sending mental support.
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Post by Deleted on Feb 4, 2015 22:22:09 GMT 8
Best of luck. You have an eloquent way with words, I'm sure she will understand fine. Like all new things, it may take time. Sending mental support. Thank you. I may be good at writing, but that's because I'm compensating for a lack of verbal skills. I have high-functioning autism which has inhibited some neural pathways related to speech. After starting Adderall that has improved immensely, though, and I took one today. I should have some success in explaining things. I have to assume that she has no idea what being transgender (or transsexual) means; or at least very little understanding. I think someone in my step-dad's family transitioned, but my grandmother really doesn't communicate with any of them.
She's the kind of person who doesn't bother to educate herself on anything, and is annoyingly gullible that if she ever got the email she'd actually believe a Nigerian prince really needed her help. One day she received an email about the film The Golden Compass before it went to theaters, and it claimed that the story was about kids who kill God. Without investigating the facts she just passed it on to others. I was standing there when she was reading it, and I thought, "what? Come on, that's ridiculous." I went out, bought and read the whole trilogy, and that never happened. I would tell you, but I wouldn't want to spoil it. I also had to change the ink in her printer all the time because she couldn't be bothered to learn.
So, I'm still very reluctant about coming out to her, but I told her in an email that I had something important to tell her. I did that so I couldn't back out. She's going to be expecting something. What she will do with the information is beyond me, but I'll be stressing the point that she cannot tell anyone. She has this "Bible study" every month where everyone basically gossips, eats lunch, and then reads scripture passages like they're all trying to be theologians, and failing. They are your run-of-the-mill church-going Christians who would most likely think of transgender as a ploy of Satan. My grandmother is the only one who isn't so judgmental. If she told any of them she probably wouldn't hear the end of it like how I'm going down a dark path, that I need praying for, and so on.
My Dad's mother, however, I will never come out to. She's like those Bible study ladies except instead of being judgmental she would just feel incredibly heartbroken as she would worry that I will end up in Hell, and it would probably give her a heart attack. I'd like to keep her around as long as possible. She's in her late 80s, so her time is precious.
The fact that this has to be some big, sensitive ordeal is so angering. Sorry, but humans are not perfect creations. Some of us come off the assembly line all mixed up. I mean, all anyone has to do is look around, or study psychology. People don't choose to be developmental anomalies, or to be psychologically damaged, and yet we're treated like monsters who are out to get everyone else. But this is our planet, too, and I'm not about to let ignorance and bigotry stand in my way no matter how painful the struggle gets. I've got shit to do.
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Post by Deleted on Feb 5, 2015 0:15:57 GMT 8
Don't worry, just be yourself, best wishes!
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Post by Deleted on Feb 5, 2015 3:39:26 GMT 8
I'm at my grandmother's sitting at the dinner table waiting on laundry to dry, and then I will take a hot shower. She came over to me earlier and said, "how long are you gonna keep me in suspense?" I told her I was waiting for everything to be done and I get my shower, and she said, "so, when you can just walk right out the door, huh," and then chuckled.
God, this is so unnerving, I could throw up. The butterflies aren't just flapping around; they're screaming.
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Post by Deleted on Feb 5, 2015 3:45:40 GMT 8
Best of luck, Arin. If it makes you feel any better, my grandmother has not only been accepting, but very supportive of me, and she previously held a pretty close-minded view of the LGBT community in general. I think it's very possible to get through to compassionate people, even if you've got to break down some misconceptions first. It was different when she saw LGBT people as some outside thing. Now that I've come out to her as trans and my mother has come out to her as gay, it's no longer some weird taboo thing for her.
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Post by Deleted on Feb 5, 2015 6:11:50 GMT 8
Well, it's done. Ugh.. The first thing she said was, "well, you know I don't approve, but I won't love you any less. It doesn't mean I won't pray for you."
She asked "what brought this on?" so I explained to her that this isn't a choice, and that this has been an issue since childhood. I also explained the biological process when the brain phase doesn't get the hormones to sync up with the body. Whether or not she understands it I really can't tell, but she's definitely not taking it very well.
So, I'm going to be sending her over to Overcoming Coming Out, a support group started by my friend Meredith and her parents. I hope she talks to them. Now I'm going home and drinking.
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Post by Deleted on Feb 6, 2015 4:59:22 GMT 8
*hugs*
It'll get better. Just give her some time to get used to it. It sounds like you handled it well.
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Post by Edge on Feb 6, 2015 11:50:06 GMT 8
*Great Big Bear Hugs*
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Post by Deleted on Feb 6, 2015 22:41:46 GMT 8
Well, it's done. Ugh.. The first thing she said was, "well, you know I don't approve, but I won't love you any less. It doesn't mean I won't pray for you."
She asked "what brought this on?" so I explained to her that this isn't a choice, and that this has been an issue since childhood.
Not an unexpected reply from a grandma and "I won't love you any less" is really quite positive, she's still on board and isn't going to shut you out and her following comment about praying for you means that you will always be on her mind and in her heart. Then, "What brought this on?" indicates that she's interested in knowing more about whatever it is that has caused her grandchild to do this. So there's the element of more than just casual curiosity present because you are family so she will want to know more. Take it from a grandparent, that was a good conversation and there will be more as she opens up to it and you make yourself available to her. She may wind up being your greets advocate!
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Post by Deleted on Feb 7, 2015 13:15:02 GMT 8
Not an unexpected reply from a grandma and "I won't love you any less" is really quite positive, she's still on board and isn't going to shut you out and her following comment about praying for you means that you will always be on her mind and in her heart. Then, "What brought this on?" indicates that she's interested in knowing more about whatever it is that has caused her grandchild to do this. So there's the element of more than just casual curiosity present because you are family so she will want to know more. Take it from a grandparent, that was a good conversation and there will be more as she opens up to it and you make yourself available to her. She may wind up being your greets advocate! This grandmother is not the smartest cookie. She doesn't have much independent thought. She's what you might call one of the "sheeple".
The first thing I said to her when I came into her room was, "do you know what transgender is?" She said, "More or less... when you change from one sex to the other?" I said, "Yes... That's me." She said, with a sigh, "Oh Lord... Well, you know I don't approve... Do you know what unconditional love is?" I said, "of course," and that's when she said 'I won't love you any less', and asked 'what brought this on'.
I said nothing brought it on; that it's been there with me since childhood. This wasn't something I decided on a whim or out of some fetish, I told her. Then I explained to her, with as simple terms as I could think of since her level of education is barely even high school, the biological process.
I had told her that she couldn't tell anyone else, that it was my job to do that. I should have realised that she hates keeping secrets. You can ask her to keep her mouth shut about anything if it means lying to people. Despite how much "unconditional love" she may have, she's also very selfish and self-centered. She asked if she could talk to her friend Judy about it, and I said that was fine, because Judy's daughter is gay, and her son was also gay, but he died years ago. She goes to a LGBT-friendly church, so I'm hoping she will enlighten my grandmother on some things. She's more likely to believe what Judy has to say over what I tell her. That makes me sad, but whatever works.
I'm going to have to tell her friend Penny, though, who lives with her. Penny and I have always been very chatty, and she can seem very open-minded, but sometimes she'll surprise you. If I lose that little bit of friendship then so be it. It's not important. All that's important to me is being able to visit my grandmother as myself, and hearing her refer to me accordingly. I told her this is going to take a long time, and that I don't expect her to just jump on the bandwagon, but she's going to have to work up to it. If it comes to the point where she flat out refuses to call me by Arin (or even River), and refuses to use the right pronouns, then that will be the end of my relationship with that side of the family... until my mother recovers... IF she recovers.
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Post by Deleted on Feb 7, 2015 23:49:49 GMT 8
Arin, You've done the best you can so far, the ball is in her side of the court now. One comment I'd like to make, and it's just my own personal take on pronouns and gender, especially when it comes to older people, I wouldn't cut off a relationship if they don't refer to you with the correct pronouns or proper gender. They have known us for decades as Joe or Nancy, as a little boy or girl, I'll give them a pass due to age and years of conditioning if they are unable to turn the corner rather than just cut them off entirely. I'd rather put up with their forgetfulness than be a part of this throw away society.
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