what we first expected...and what turned out to be true

[Deleted]

It's my year anniversary on the forums, and second complete year of the transition process as defined as starting gender therapy to get hormones.

Posted over two thousand times, here, or in the matrix.

When I came, to therapy, I expected instant hormones, an mtf binary transition, and to live in a dive near a gay bar.

Ymmv....

It didn't turn out that way, did it dear ones.

Nothing I thought was true was true.  Nothing I projected came to pass.  Interventions abounded, divine and on earth, mercy was given.

And I feel so lucky.

But i did not expect to live genderqueer, to keep my wife, to get kinda small boobies.  Did not expect deep friendship and a caring beyond my wildest dreams from so many here.  Did not expect to be called pretty with a genderqueer face.  Did not expect the end of deceit in being trans, able to be with my wife in full lace and nylon.

Did not expect to come out at work and keep my job.

But the biggest thing was how vulnerable we are, how sensitive, how at risk.

Every day beats the odds just by getting through it.

I have seen so much courage and strength and selflessness on this forum.

What did you find that you expected, what did you find that you did not expect?

We're your dreams crushed, did they come true, did you even have any dream left in you when trans broke you to its desire, need, and truth?

What took you by surprise?

Nails out hair down. heart wide open...

Trinity Satin Joy

[Ativan Prescribed]

I started gender therapy six years ago, and it's been more than a couple years, I really don't know off hand, of low dose.
I more admitted in therapy, because I wanted to know more about it in reference to myself, than I did in terms of coming out.
I suppose there has been gradual changes, most I like.
There are people who know, most don't, it isn't necessary for them to know, more like I could care less about most of them.
I expected as therapy moved along that what I was learning would lead to a better understanding of myself and that is true.
I haven't hurt anyone, this has got to be some kind of record... It's pretty nice to be able to control my anger in better ways.
But really, it's more like fine tuning my life. The admitting was no big deal, I prompted that and the gender therapist.

I've always been me, so no coming out, I missed the debutante party, wasn't the prom queen, although a good friend was, and his mustache and beard looked good with his gown and tiara.
Seriously, it was by student vote and instead of the head cheerleader, he was voted in. I have to admit I had my hand in that one. The Captain of the football team who was voted in as king didn't think it was funny at all, but did go through the whole ceremony and that crap. But I did missed it all anyways, I wasn't allowed to attend those things, to be arrested if I showed up, like I wanted to show up, yep... Later on that year, I sold some pot to the king and he turned into a pretty cool guy to let hang around. He quit football, but didn't pursue the queen, at least I never heard anything... he still liked to pat other guys asses all the time, I didn't mind so much, but a few people would give him that wtf look. Pretty sure he found some nice guy and settled down somewhere, but I really have no idea. I never looked back after leaving High School, never even seen the place again.

But no coming out party or anything like that and it kinda is a big disappointment for me,.. no, not really.
I had no expectations and have just quietly moved along in my life, staying out of jail and psyche units is a much bigger accomplishment. I think the Spiro kicked the blocks out from under the constant feelings of anger, the E patch makes it smooth. I'm content most of the time with how the last six years have gone, better than the insanity of the six years before this past six.

[Laura J]

My whole life was based on abusing my body so badly that my confusion, emptiness, and feelings I've always had of not fitting in anywhere (except an all female environment) would be over as quickly as possible.. See, I never had the guts to just end it all, I had to do it slowly in the easiest way I knew how.. I never ever dreamed that at this late age in my life, suddenly I would have more to live for, love myself and life as much, and be as fulfilled and genuinely happy as I am today, and have been since I first discovered myself almost a year ago..
Just today, I was thinking about it, and must admit its the closest thing to a real miracle I've ever known.
It really is a miracle this gift I've been given..
I could bitch and moan about it being too late for me to really enjoy it, but I won't, and can't, because I really am enjoying it.!
Yes sure, there's uncertainty and some frustration sometimes, but nothing good in life is without those things.
Each time I try something new on my journey, whether its nail polish, a piece of clothing, or a new bit of education I get from others, is a step up the trans ladder I've never experienced, and I find myself refusing to ever go back down.
Because of everyone here I've grown so much, in the right ways, and for that gift I'm so grateful..

I first expected I'd only be supporting others, maybe understand more about the trans experience, but honestly I fought my feelings for a while as to letting myself become one of you..
There was one day when I'd been involved for a few weeks, I was in the middle of a big grass field standing alone one early morning.. It just hit me like a brick falling from the sky, I got it.! I was trans.! I just stood there in amazement sobbing..

What's turned out most to be true is that every time I think I have myself figured out, I realize how much I don't..
This really is like a second puberty for me.. Each time I think its over and I can settle on a step in the trans spectrum, something comes along and I take another step up the ladder..
I don't know where it will end..???
Sometimes that's scary, and sometimes its so very exciting I can't sleep.. I just love it.. I love how I feel..

And I know that if my body holds out, there's so so so much more ahead..!! <3

[Taka]

i don't really have any expectations.
i had some hopes, life has taken many different turns, ones i didn't expect, but have possibly given me more than i hoped.

no, i somehow feel like it's better to not plan the future too well.

[Deleted]

Jan 23, 2015 22:36:18 GMT 8 Taka said:

i don't really have any expectations.
i had some hopes, life has taken many different turns, ones i didn't expect, but have possibly given me more than i hoped.

no, i somehow feel like it's better to not plan the future too well.

I plan for each day but beyond that it's hard to count on things working out properly, on longer range plans it's best to have a plan-A and Plan -B in case things don't fall into place. Otherwise we set ourselves up for a lot of disappointments.

[Deleted]

I was in the closet for far too many years. It was only a few years ago that I decided it was finally time to start investigating exactly what it was that made me tick. I had no expectations whatsoever at the time. It didn't occur to me that I could actually live my life as the gorgeous woman that I am. (Anybody who wants to challenge this, it's pistols at dawn.)

But when I saw that other transpeople were actually out there in the world living their lives, I began to glimpse the possibility that I could do it, too. It seemed crazy, seemed like a pipe dream, but eventually I made it a reality.

I still don't have any expectations. I take each day as it comes, I gratefully accept whatever gift that day has given me. Tomorrow I have a couple of things to do in town. No doubt I'll end up at the café for coffee. Doesn't sound like much, does it? But when you're at last living as yourself, it is a lot. I'd put it this way: as long as I live without expectations, I expect I'll be happy enough.

[Leena]

I was in denial for a very long time. I expected that coming out to myself and the online trans community would feel a lot more freeing than it did.

It is what it is. I still can't help but think I was happier when I was in denial. I think I will eventually find a way to be happy and not in denial, but it may take some time...

[Deleted]

Jan 24, 2015 15:04:24 GMT 8 Leena said:

I was in denial for a very long time. I expected that coming out to myself and the online trans community would feel a lot more freeing than it did.

It is what it is. I still can't help but think I was happier when I was in denial. I think I will eventually find a way to be happy and not in denial, but it may take some time...

Hi, Veronica! I can see the problem here. I myself was in denial for a lot of years--decades in fact--so I know how that goes. I'm not sure what to say. I think it depends on what you're looking for.

The problem for me was that although I was in denial, in a way I wasn't. I.e., I knew well that I wasn't "normal" and I couldn't keep the fact from surfacing from time to time. It's just that I'd repress it. I'd refuse to think about it. Easier in a way--but there was a huge cost. I was always telling myself what everybody would have wanted me to say: that it was a sickness, that I was doing better to keep it under wraps. That didn't in fact make me happy.  It put me at odds with myself.  In effect, I was at war with myself.

So much better to simply accept that I was "different".  Especially when I began to explore the nature of transgenderism, in online articles or on forums.  I began to understand that transgenderism isn't a sickness.  It's simply something that occurs from time to time.  It isn't sick, it isn't abnormal.  It's simply unusual--and unusual isn't necessarily bad.

So for me the simple acknowledgement that I was trans was a step forward.  It allowed me to stop beating myself up for something that wasn't my fault and that isn't harmful to anybody in any case.  I think that's the chief benefit of coming out of denial.

Now where you go from there is totally up to each individual.  For some people it might make sense to remain in the closet.  Some people have very good reasons for doing so, and I don't think anybody has the right to tell them otherwise.  We each need to look at our own circumstances and decide for ourselves.  So coming out of denial, in itself, doesn't commit you to anything--but regardless of what you do, I think the simple acceptance that you are trans will take a lot of pressure off you.

Unless: you are so deeply in denial that you more or less remain oblivious to the fact that you are trans.  In that case, being in denial might make things easier.  I can't pronounce on that.  What's going on in somebody else's heart is outside my purview.

[Leena]

Jan 24, 2015 19:52:06 GMT 8 @foxglove said:

Hi, Veronica! I can see the problem here. I myself was in denial for a lot of years--decades in fact--so I know how that goes. I'm not sure what to say. I think it depends on what you're looking for.

The problem for me was that although I was in denial, in a way I wasn't. I.e., I knew well that I wasn't "normal" and I couldn't keep the fact from surfacing from time to time. It's just that I'd repress it. I'd refuse to think about it. Easier in a way--but there was a huge cost. I was always telling myself what everybody would have wanted me to say: that it was a sickness, that I was doing better to keep it under wraps. That didn't in fact make me happy.  It put me at odds with myself.  In effect, I was at war with myself.

The other big thing that was different than expected was that I turned out to be genderfluid and my war with myself hasn't really ended. When I flip masculine, I want to stay that way, and I sometimes do for a few weeks, and when I flip feminine I want SRS. This is basically still the same fight I had before I came out, I expected it to be over with and that I would just transition and eventually get SRS, but since I still sometimes feel like a guy, that is probably not a good idea. 

I also now sometimes feel somewhere in the middle, and while I wouldn't mind staying there either, but it seems that being static non-binary is not quite me either, at least not now. It would be much easier in some ways to be any static gender, but that just isn't what I am apparently. I do wish I could get past having some of these feelings when I flip to one of the binary poles. Living life full-time as either binary gender is not what I want at this point, but it does seem so much easier. Maybe I need to fully accept that I am genderfluid, and possibly might always be. Although I've been using it as my label off and on for over a year, it is a bit more than that, it is a concept that describes what I've been experiencing my whole life. 

[Deleted]

The other big thing that was different than expected was that I turned out to be genderfluid and my war with myself hasn't really ended. . .

. . . I do wish I could get past having some of these feelings when I flip to one of the binary poles. Living life full-time as either binary gender is not what I want at this point, but it does seem so much easier.

Your problem is somewhat different from mine, given that I'm not genderfluid myself.  As regards the specifics of that, you'd probably want to talk to other genderfluid people to see how they deal with it.  But I think all of us have much the same problem.  There are different variations on the theme.

Here's one of my experiences when I hadn't been out long:  I was at opening night of our local arts festival, and after the speeches and glass of wine, etc., I went upstairs to look at an art exhibition.  Under each painting the artist's name was given (all the paintings being done by the same man), and after his name there were three letters.  For the life of me I couldn't figure out what those three letters stood for.  I knew I should know what they meant, but I just couldn't think of it.

Now at one point a woman came up and stood beside me to look at the painting I was looking at, so I asked her if she knew what the letters stood for.  She didn't.  But a minute later three of her friends came over, and she asked them, "Do you know what these letters mean?  This lady is asking."

That really threw me.  Because I hadn't been out long and I wasn't used to people calling me "a lady".  Furthermore, at the time I'd completely forgotten myself.  I was just looking at the pictures, and gender issues were the furthest thing from my mind.  Of course it's hugely gratifying to be called "a lady", but when you're new to the game, it can unsettle you.  During those days there were many occasions when I was asking myself, "What exactly am I?"

And it still happens.  Witness this post I made recently: nonbinary.proboards.com/thread/379/out-context.  It seems to me it can take some time to figure out where you are and to get comfortable with yourself.  At least, it's been a problem for me, and it's obviously been a problem for you.  I myself don't feel any need to panic.  I do have these moments of discomfort, but there's no doubt I'm far and away happier than I used to be.

It sounds to me like this problem is much more acute for you than it has been for me.  Maybe it will take you more time.  Maybe you need to talk to people who've had specific experiences like yours.  But I can assure you you're not alone with this problem in general.

[Leena]

Jan 25, 2015 18:21:30 GMT 8 @foxglove said:

It sounds to me like this problem is much more acute for you than it has been for me.  Maybe it will take you more time.  Maybe you need to talk to people who've had specific experiences like yours.  But I can assure you you're not alone with this problem in general.

It is and it isn't. That is the wonderful thing about being genderfluid. I'm not always dysphoric. I'm feeling pretty femme today, but not at that dysphoric binary pole, either. I went out dressed fairly femme too, and no one seemed to care. I love days like this!

It maybe will take more time, and maybe I should talk more with other genderfluid people.