Post by Deleted on Jan 19, 2015 2:58:30 GMT 8
Hi, Everybody!
I often say (half-jokingly) that I don’t know what I am. But it’s only half-joking. There are lots of times I really don’t know.
I’ll have these bad moments from time to time when I feel phony. E.g., when I’m at the book club. It’s all women—not by design, though. Men aren’t excluded. They just don’t show up. So there I am in a group of women, and I enjoy it and they treat me fine. I’m one of the girls. And yet I have these moments of sadness because I can’t help but feel that they’re “real women”, and what exactly am I?
And then there are other moments such as one the other day. I went into the pharmacy and ran into a woman I see fairly often in the café. She used to be a friend of a friend, but now I’m thinking she’s becoming a friend. A lovely woman, and I always enjoy seeing her.
But in the pharmacy she really threw me simply by saying, “Hi, [Foxglove]!” For a moment I was simply lost. Didn’t know who or where I was. Wasn’t quite sure how to react. I have moments like this where I’m caught out of context--in this case because I only ever see her in the café.
It’s as if I need to remain in familiar circumstances in order to have a feel for myself. If I’m in the café or a shop or the library or at the book club, I know where I am, what I’m going to do, what I’m going to say, etc. Get me out of those circumstances, and I can become very uncertain.
It’s not that I feel driven back into my old male persona, but neither do I have any feel for my female persona. I’m wondering if there’s a place deep inside you that’s beyond gender. If so, I feel that’s where I am for a bit until I get back in touch with myself.
It’s at moments like this that I wonder whether I might actually be agender or non-binary—and it’s been interesting to me to see the non-binary viewpoint presented on this forum. It gives me new avenues to explore.
But at the end of the day I don’t think that’s it. I present very feminine (I’m the make-up and skirts type) and I’m very comfortable with my presentation. Also, there’s the old “magic pill” question: if you could take the pill and be transformed into a total woman—I wouldn’t hesitate to take it. I don’t really have any doubt that I was born to be female.
I suppose all it is is that having been in the closet for so many years, having become used to (if not comfortable with) one identity, it’s taking me a while to really find my feet, to get comfortable with my “new and improved” identity. I’ve been out full-time for two years now, and maybe people would think that would be long enough. But maybe it’s just not.
I don’t really think this is something to worry about. But it does have some practical implications for my life. Out two years, and yet I haven’t done electrolysis, haven’t started hormones, haven’t really thought seriously about SRS. I’d certainly do electrolysis if I had the money, which I don’t. But for the rest of it, I think you need to be clear in your mind where you are before you do things like that; and as you can tell from the foregoing, I’m not at all clear in my mind.
There’s also the consideration that on the whole I’m quite happy these days. Easily the best two years of my life, and I wish I’d come out a long time ago. So I’m thinking, if it ain’t broke, don’t fix it. Or if it needs fixing, make sure what needs fixing before you start in on it.
I often say (half-jokingly) that I don’t know what I am. But it’s only half-joking. There are lots of times I really don’t know.
I’ll have these bad moments from time to time when I feel phony. E.g., when I’m at the book club. It’s all women—not by design, though. Men aren’t excluded. They just don’t show up. So there I am in a group of women, and I enjoy it and they treat me fine. I’m one of the girls. And yet I have these moments of sadness because I can’t help but feel that they’re “real women”, and what exactly am I?
And then there are other moments such as one the other day. I went into the pharmacy and ran into a woman I see fairly often in the café. She used to be a friend of a friend, but now I’m thinking she’s becoming a friend. A lovely woman, and I always enjoy seeing her.
But in the pharmacy she really threw me simply by saying, “Hi, [Foxglove]!” For a moment I was simply lost. Didn’t know who or where I was. Wasn’t quite sure how to react. I have moments like this where I’m caught out of context--in this case because I only ever see her in the café.
It’s as if I need to remain in familiar circumstances in order to have a feel for myself. If I’m in the café or a shop or the library or at the book club, I know where I am, what I’m going to do, what I’m going to say, etc. Get me out of those circumstances, and I can become very uncertain.
It’s not that I feel driven back into my old male persona, but neither do I have any feel for my female persona. I’m wondering if there’s a place deep inside you that’s beyond gender. If so, I feel that’s where I am for a bit until I get back in touch with myself.
It’s at moments like this that I wonder whether I might actually be agender or non-binary—and it’s been interesting to me to see the non-binary viewpoint presented on this forum. It gives me new avenues to explore.
But at the end of the day I don’t think that’s it. I present very feminine (I’m the make-up and skirts type) and I’m very comfortable with my presentation. Also, there’s the old “magic pill” question: if you could take the pill and be transformed into a total woman—I wouldn’t hesitate to take it. I don’t really have any doubt that I was born to be female.
I suppose all it is is that having been in the closet for so many years, having become used to (if not comfortable with) one identity, it’s taking me a while to really find my feet, to get comfortable with my “new and improved” identity. I’ve been out full-time for two years now, and maybe people would think that would be long enough. But maybe it’s just not.
I don’t really think this is something to worry about. But it does have some practical implications for my life. Out two years, and yet I haven’t done electrolysis, haven’t started hormones, haven’t really thought seriously about SRS. I’d certainly do electrolysis if I had the money, which I don’t. But for the rest of it, I think you need to be clear in your mind where you are before you do things like that; and as you can tell from the foregoing, I’m not at all clear in my mind.
There’s also the consideration that on the whole I’m quite happy these days. Easily the best two years of my life, and I wish I’d come out a long time ago. So I’m thinking, if it ain’t broke, don’t fix it. Or if it needs fixing, make sure what needs fixing before you start in on it.