What are you doing right now?

[Ativan Prescribed]

What a long strange trip it's been.....

[Ativan Prescribed]

Temps up here in the great white north are consistent in the 60's and this weekend it will be in the low 70's.
Tree outside my window is getting it's leaves and in a week it will be full on full of them.
Every year in a crook a robins nest is made but this year they decided to move that up higher, a good choice, and its right even with the 3rd story here.
The grass was cut for the first time today as well, smells nice but not as nice a alfalfa field smells when it is cut, grew up on that.
Rain is about average and the temps are right on the average mark so climate change and El Nino and La Nina are not weirding things out so far.
But last winter was one of the warmest and driest that there has ever been up here, can't complain but its worrisome just the same.
My go to for unwinding is still K-Drama (and comedies) TV series, mostly Netflix.
They have a lot more substance to them than american shows or movies, there is a term used for them that is clownery and its subtle but an accurate way that its done, nothing is totally serious and it takes the edge off any reality that is going on.
Just the fact that there is next to none political BS is refreshing, although I gotta laugh at the product placement they use, nothing subtle about that.
It's different and the acting is very good and the characters believable, violence is done in a more subtle way and only as a part of the story and not something that is overdone, same with sex, leaves it more to the imagination.

[Ativan Prescribed]

Well I guess summer is actually here, wildfire smoke from NE BC Canada is here and visibility has dropped to about a mile and that headache is back again.
Climate change is more than weird temps, it's everything going weird, at least the coral in Lake Superior isn't bleaching out, mostly because there is no coral there.
But last year most of the summer was smokey because of Canadian fires burning like crazy, you'd think there was nothing left to burn up there, and yet its still spring and fires.
Why do I get the impression that weather related shit is going to really hit the fan this year?

[Ativan Prescribed]

[Ativan Prescribed]

[Ativan Prescribed]

[Trinity]

Yah, really.

Dysphoric today. Had a really good session with the shrink yesterday, something got healed, part of me that was put aside or that I thought was lost or gone came back, there's some resentments with that but there's also a relief, I can't really explain it.

Therapy has been really good, mood is better, I try to limit triggers, of course right now everywhere you turn there's triggers around, my own ptsd is up a little today and I need to get that under control better.

But life is good, making changes to accomodate aging in the workplace and that is going well, something I talk about in therapy, as well as trans things, mostly though its dealing with roots of addiction, learning to stay in the now.

I'm driving better, more present, less mental distraction.

Mental war really. And I am still enjoying Ativan having that bird out the window. I went for a walk, increasing water, excercize, breaks, trying to heal this liver, and on the walk there were two cranes or whatever those big birds with long necks are, sandsomething cranes, and they had two babies and the little ones are about a foot or foot and a half tall and are covered with thick fuzz and the wings look fuzzy and little, they just follow the mommy and daddy everywhere.

That's the stuff I like to focus on now. There's a lot of it out there.

[Ativan Prescribed]

Sandhill Cranes. They migrate through Nebraska and congregate near the sand hills in the more NW part of the state.
But they also hang out in the fields, and the difference between the fields sets up huge updrafts, lots of dust devil kinda things, some get big enough that newly cut alfalfa can get swept up in them and clear half the field.
I used to go out there a lot and lived in that area a couple times for months on end, huge real tornado's and huge dust devils, I've run out in fields to catch them and have been lifted ten-twenty feet off the ground and spat back out of them.
But the Cranes, literally thousands of them, riding the up currents in huge circles, one side you see the tops of them and the other side the bottom, two different colors, but seriously thousand's of them that you can see in several up drafts at a time.
They don't fly by flapping, the current takes them around and up so its this slow motion effect and can take a long time for them to go up to the top which can be several thousand feet up easily.
When the reach the top they single file just float back down to the bottom and coast back in and start all over again, its really something to see, smoke some pot and just kick back and watch for hours on a nice sunny day smelling the fresh cut fields and watching....

[Ativan Prescribed]

[Ativan Prescribed]

Consider the poor republicans having to justify their views on trump, you know we all have our anxiety triggers but they just have to be in total panic mode almost all the time.
I mean its like finding out your favorite Marvel comic movie characters are really the bottom of the barrel scumbags that deserve prison or worse, thats what republicans are going through and pretending reality doesn't matter.
They live in the bottom of the barrel of scum they created and they can hear and feel the bottom rotting out from under them, a little snap here and a crack there, the anxiety of realising they have bought the Brooklyn Bridge from a con man.
They have invested all these years in someone who it turns out is just a fooking nazi asshole wnd they actually donated money to the bastard, they have invested their lives in the lies, they are going over the cliff and there is no way back, Wiley Coyote about to splat.
I can tell you this,.. when you go sky diving and begin the first fall, your entire perspective of life changes in a couple thousand feet, its never the same again.

But for republicans, there is no chute, its live without a net and they are falling, the level of anxiety is like being buried alive and realising the air is running out.
The only thing they have left is crappy threats and clinging to a reality that doesn't exist.

You think life as NB is shitty some days? Just think how shitty it is to be a republican and wishing and hoping trump gets elected to have his boot on your neck....
Anxiety sucks big time but being totally pathetic and having high anxiety that just gets worse over time, day after day trying to justify your existence
Being NB is a cake walk.

[Trinity]

It really is a cakewalk in many ways.

I was engineering the doors and hardware in a nuclear medicine place today, proton accelerators and stuff, difficult one to work through but mostly because of stuff that others missed, and getting things like lead lining in the doors right.

But you see that and you get perspective, the trigger though was that there was no non gendered or nonbinary places for treatment, it was all male or female dressing rooms, lockers, all that jazz.  I couldn't help thinking, well, that leaves me out.... but there's always a patient bathroom with only one pee recepticle, and I used to do that during dance, just change in the admins bathroom.  They figured it out fast.  I don't want to be in either binary.

Of course, here they made it a felony or something.

But its easy enough as long as you can get your meds, and I did get mine.  Its not the anxiety that triggers, its the rage volcano you saw go off once at Susans, that's always still in me.

I can't understand why anyone would vote republican frankly.  Especially now, maybe this stuff was always under the hood, but now its blatant ignorance.

I was talking with Patty the other day, she's doing well and asked about you, I told her about the bird.... but we were talking about the way it used to work, we'd blend in, hide in plain sight or just live and never have a problem.  I still do that, she does that, we don't go out in the woods in camoflage like a sniper would and wave a pink blue white flag to show where we are....

[Ativan Prescribed]

I stayed in the shadows, I had a sort of black and green and brown netting that was very thin and worked as a mosquito netting as well, you can see right through it from inside a shadow area.
But looking at it from aways away you can't see past it or through it, but it had to be basically in the shadow area, otherwise it looked weird.
But everywhere I chose to be was more or less like a hedgerow and covered with green leafy whatever, tree branches and bush over growth, I hid behind it and it covered me from the other side as well.
I had people walking and riding horses within a hundred feet and they didn't notice me, I supposed if you looked right at me and stared you might notice something different, but the areas were not on a trail or anything.
I see and hear idiots around here who are blatantly bigots and worse, I kinda feel sorry for them, people get out of their way, nobody wants to deal with them.
But then there are the oddball conversations that are nothing more than one upping about how much they are bigots and I almost laugh out loud at them, I'd like to point a finger and do that but it busts my bubble of invisibility.
Thats the thing, you make your movements and style as blended in as you can, urban camo if you like, it isn't like you match a brick wall, its just not standing out as most people like to be.
Ever notice that people have or do odd things to make them stick out a little to a lot? Its the T-shirt with a merch something on it to overy bright colors or just a odd style thing.
Avoid those things, you can walk along and people see you but nothing stands out, its urban invisibility. Consider walking a little slower and not waving your arms around, people who want to be noticed walk fast and their arm and leg movements are exaggerated.
When I get frustrated I think about how easy it could be to just kill these bigots who would kill others if they thought they could get away with it.
I know in a one on one confrontation that the last thing most people don't see coming is a fast jab into the neck, they go down choking and thinking they are going to die.
Also cupping your hand or better still hands and slapping someone hard in the ears is super painful and keeps them of balance for quite a while, it can totally make some people lose all sense of balance.
If you get behind someone just slam your fist as hard as you can into their right side a little higher than waist high and just off from the spine, it bruises the liver and although it takes seconds for the pain to hot them, when it does they feel like dying.
Everyone has a deep set anger in them somewhere, for some reason. It isn't something to be afraid of, it comes out if you need it, otherwise its like thinking about how easy it would be to kill someone and yet you never do because on the surface, it isn't a necessary thing to do, why waste your time on that, but it is a very real and most everyone does it at one time or lots of times, its just that most people are assholes enough to actually do that, and only idiots think it scares people if they say they are going to, a dumb thing to say.
Its like the fat dumb idiots who open carry a rifle while they reach for another energy bar stuffed in the ammo pouches of their too small vests that are fake ballistic vests, they got so much Walmart military gear on they can hardly move, trying to intimidate.
Don't they get it that people think they are not scary but just bigger assholes than they are without the fake shit,.. fake military does nothing, I mean how many times have they ever stopped anyone from laughing at them?
These same guys go home and plop down in front of the TV and watch the news while drinking canned beer and eating chips, go back to the out of shae slobs they hate themselves for being.
Its all posturing and that gets them noticed, a different notice than the looks they get at work for being the nerd slobs who talk the talk bit can't walk the walk. Whatever gets them through their life, reality is not a priority for them, posturing is.

[Ativan Prescribed]

The basic maggot type person is coming from a loser in life position, never getting ahead no matter how much they cheat at things and thats a maga trait, cheat to get ahead while hurting others.
You know science is a basic cheating sort of thing as well, but its not usually the hurt others to get ahead, but the cheating is defying the current status or wisdom.
Very rarely is it a eureka moment, its just someone put the pieces of the past together in a better way with sometimes a nice twist on things, its based on the history.
But republicans just lack the ability to use history without cheating on it, lying about it, hurting others to make themselves look better, which only works on other republicans, its a vicious circle jerk of stupidity.
They claim that the country should be run like a business, but they fail to come up with a product, they make nothing, especially the house this time around, a 1% output, a record low for all history of the house of reps (what are they representing anyways?)
A few subliminal messages here and there, a little fear mongering goes a long ways with the ignorance, it isn't libtards but rather the real life magatards, the losers in life who can't fathom a way of getting ahead without hurting others.
Don't fall for the fear mongering stupidity they dish out, you know it isn't true and the only people who think it is are the losers who are born ever minute, the it was good enough for my pappy and his pappy before him....
Republicans have dug a trap and are falling into it, nobody else is so stupid as to believe their BS.
The economy is doing very well, inflation is back to very low, the things Biden and the Dems have done this term are working and despite the war mongering in the world, the country is doing well.
The southern border could use some fixing but it isn't like hordes of people are swarming it, its about the same as it usually is give or take, sometimes better sometimes worse, but the country can use the manpower to help continued growth.
Trump is going to lose, the republicans are in general going to lose and there will be less of them in a position of power, its pretty hard to maintain power when you fail over and over to get the job done.
The only thing the republicans have managed to do is dampen the happiness of the people, since trump road the escalator down, the country has gradually lost its rating of happiness, we are not even in the top twenty.
Not happy every day that you feel like you used to be? Its the republicans always fooking things up, they fooked up covid so bad it killed a million people, caused super high unemployment, they fooked it up so bad there was even a shortage of ass wipe...
The republicans want the country to be like russia, they think being like nazi's is the answer, but they are losers who need someone to tell them how to fall in line, they lack the initiative to be individuals and to have the freedom that brings.

[Ativan Prescribed]

[Trinity]

The trick is not losing yourself as you blend in.  I feel like that happened to me, there are a bunch of different reasons why, but part of me has been neglected and its a part that should not be lost.

That was the thing with therapy the other day, I realized it wasn't lost, it was and is always there, its mostly that I have not been able to express it or take the time I need to feel it and be it again.  And once we get out from under this last bunch of years of overwork and get things turned around, maybe there will be more time.

At the same time, I was so angry at myself for not protecting myself from bullying and shaming that I didn't want to have anything to do with that component of self.

Now that much of that has healed, its a whole new ballgame.  But I miss the freedom, yet, if we are blending, the freedom is actually there, inside us, and can never be taken away from us unless we give it away....