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Post by Maka on Aug 14, 2023 4:27:04 GMT 8
Nothing in particular. Just lost in memories.
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Post by Ativan Prescribed on Aug 14, 2023 8:51:08 GMT 8
Tragic accident left me without a lot of my memories for a time. I still surprise myself with them, never quite sure if they are ones I lost or ones I just forgot. Some are good, some are bad, but they are mine. One thing I know for sure, I never want to just forget the bad ones, even those are something to hold onto. Even though they might keep me awake long after I should have fallen asleep, they never cease to amaze me as to how I couldn't just recall them as if memories are something that can be recalled on demand. Sometimes I wonder if something happened back then that caused me to forget them or if it was on purpose. Regardless, they are all what my life was and I wonder how many more I will have as life goes on, what happens to them when we die? So I wonder at times if there is something today that is worth remembering and keeping as a memory, because even the ones that I think may have faded will still come back now and then. Lots of intense times in my life, lots of brutal scars, I see faces from the past and I wonder how much they have changed, because I have changed,.. or so it seems. One of the oddest things about losing memories is that I really never can recognize myself in pics and I don't recall what I looked like although I remember faces of people all the time.
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avalak
Non-Binary
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Post by Maka on Aug 15, 2023 6:59:48 GMT 8
In a hammock, wrapped in a plaid, fresh cheese cookies, just made, hot tee, watching for the rest of perseids. Yesterday there was a lot of falling stars, but now there are just some, here and there.
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Post by Ativan Prescribed on Aug 15, 2023 12:14:40 GMT 8
“The Edge... There is no honest way to explain it because the only people who really know where it is are the ones who have gone over. The others-the living-are those who pushed their control as far as they felt they could handle it, and then pulled back, or slowed down, or did whatever they had to when it came time to choose between Now and Later. But the edge is still Out there.” ― Hunter S. Thompson
But for some of us, we found the edge and then went past it, over it, under it, around it,... it's always the scariest of times in life and the edge is still out there just the same. It isn't really a matter of living or dying when neither is a choice to make, the realization of passing the edge is that grey etherworld of not knowing if you are living or dying, you just went past it and now you deal with it. So many times I have done this in so many ways, I'm never sure whether I lived or died, I mean what happens when we die, it could be that we continue on and never know from everyone else's perspective if we did indeed died. Those crashes, the times we have slipped on a cliff, swam to far out in the water, dove to deep, just didn't even see it coming. If you think about the edge as a boundary, then aren't we all living on the outer edge of the world, one step into the air and we are past it, one step into space and we are well beyond the safety of of it. At the same time going in the opposite direction could be just as bad, or falling from a place to high only to be stopped by that very edge that is our safety most every other time. But they say when skydiving that it isn't the fall that kills you, it's the sudden stop. Never be afraid to venture past what you think is too far, the only way you will ever know how far is too far is if you go that far, it isn't going to make a difference either way, but never knowing isn't the best way to go through life. I suppose getting right to that edge and not going over is one thing, but its a lot like looking down over the edge and then strapping in and hanging on and going over it anyways, you won't shit your pants, you won't be able to shit for a couple days once you do. I have been on the edge too many times and have gone over it as well, I have woken up listening to people ask what they should do with my dead body even, somehow things just won't let you die and what's the difference if you do? I've survived being paddled to bring me back and thats painful as fook, I've had to walk for miles with blood draining out of me and losing all sense of time and direction and waking up in a huey smelling the stinking floor because it was the best they could do, getting shot up with enough morphine to knock me out because I was fighting to just get up, having a medic laughing at me for even trying. I'm not sure what really happened after I went over a 300' cliff on a 100' cable to retrieve a motorcycle that a friend let fall over that cliff, I remember looking at the waves crashing on the rocks below and then we got dragged sideways before they could pull us back up, but it was a celebration of a sort for the locals because another west on Hwy One survivor made it and then we went to the mountaintop and watched the full moon set on the ocean that night with the warm desert winds to our backs. There was the time I had the opportunity to test myself by just letting go out the back of a plane almost 4 miles up and had to pull the D handle for the first time instead of having a chute ripped out of a pack on my back, it was glorious. There were so many times I thought for even an instant that this is maybe the past few minutes or even seconds, having a 7.62 round fly past my head so close I could feel the shockwave in my hair, but I was kinda busy and had better things to do than to think it over, life isn't about all the things we have done, its about all the things we have left to do but only if we make room for them, you just never know, so be excellent in whatever it is you think you need to do, it could very well be the last thing. I cherish even having the ability to look at a cloud racing across the sky and think my life has been just like that, in a hurry to get to where it is going. It isn't about taking the time to stop and smell the roses, you get a whiff going past them well enough and there are things to do, places to be, thoughts to have and people to meet. Life is about never standing still long enough for thinking this might just be the end of it, going over the edge is just going over the edge, there is still that fall and it only hurts when you get to the bottom. Even that might or might not be the end we think it is, myself, I'm pretty sure this is just a layover on the trip we all take all the time and time isn't a linear thing, it's always going in waves and we never know if we are on the top of any wave at any time or just scooting along the bottom of some trough, we could be just surfing some time wave to begin with....
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Post by Ativan Prescribed on Aug 18, 2023 12:08:24 GMT 8
On Netflix there are Korean TV shows that are mostly pretty good, at least the ones I have watched, Sisyphus was the one that got me hooked, so much so that I watched it several times over the last year. But then I started to watch more of them and they can be strange but even the drama's have comedy in them, and its subtle at times and other times in a dramatic moment they can insert a kind of almost slapstick. The romantic dramas always have that sense of comedy in them, odd characters and just moments that are almost out of place and breaks the rhythm of the show. If you really can't handle subtitles you can just use the search bar to bring up ones dubbed into english and most of them have several languages if that works for you as well. But it doesn't take long to get into them and most of the shows are from 12-16 episodes that are about 45-60 minutes each. There are period pieces as well and those can be really good, some of the best ones are those but almost all of them are romance based and revolve around a couple of people, but all of them revolve around lots of the characters. Violence is in mostly the period pieces but some in the ones that take place in modern times, but there is relatively little gore and sex can be a part of the themes but there is next to zero nudity. But what I find interesting is the way things are done, the level of respect people have for others, and it takes time to understand some of the gestures and how different age groups are treated. I'm watching Hometown Cha Cha right now and I think the next one will be The extraordinary Attorney Woo, its about an autistic lawyer and I've seen a couple intro vids on YT and it looks like it should be really good. Several that I have watched are based on a sort of time travel thing which is always interesting to me and have some really nice twists to the plots, but most of them have pretty good twists which keeps them interesting. Just something different from all the franchise movies out there, I mean how many Fast and Furious movies are there? Like sixteen and how many remakes are there now, how many times can you go to Jurassic Park?.... I've also gotten interested in some walking tours of like Seoul on YT and there are a few driving ones of Korea countryside, just interesting to people watch and see how life is there, for a city of like 12 million Seoul is super clean and nice. I kinda wish I had the money to go visit there, the way people treat each other is way better than it is in this country, the levels of respect is way up there and politics sure they have that but it isn't anything like here, no MAGA Morons.
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Post by Ativan Prescribed on Aug 21, 2023 12:23:22 GMT 8
Hometown Cha Cha Cha kinda dragged there a bit but interesting characters and then it took off and was so sad for a while, but then turned right around and became really good. Another one I really liked was something like My 19 previous lives, that one was really good. King the Land was a total romcon but good, but my favorites really are the period pieces, they inject bafoonish comedy into them thats fun but they also hold tight to what was going on in old times. I'm used to reading the subtitles for the ones not dubbed and they grow on you, you begin to listen to inflection in the voices as you read the subtitles and half the time you don't really need to read them other than a glance to get what is going on. Just something different, but I watch the spanish language ones and some of the french ones but most all of those have english dubbing for them. It's interesting how they differ from country to country and to be honest, I get really sick of the movies made in this country because they follow the same old patterns regardless of the genre. But that said, the korean ones have nice subtlties going on and the humor makes me laugh, nice twists as well, you kinda see them coming and then wham they throw in some good ones you don't see coming.
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Post by Ativan Prescribed on Aug 21, 2023 12:26:34 GMT 8
Also they don't get all hung up on LGBTQ stuff, like its there and its just treated as normal stuff mostly so much so you have to actually look to notice it going on in the background a lot of the time. Its not something that they shove to the front, its kinda like you will just notice like extras acting normal and yet you recognize that there is a LGBTQ element going on, like hand holding or arms around another person.
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Post by Ativan Prescribed on Aug 22, 2023 7:16:41 GMT 8
The extraordinary Attorney Woo on Netflix is turning out to be entertaining and fun, worth taking a look at and its english and other language dubbed as well.
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Post by Ativan Prescribed on Aug 30, 2023 11:38:20 GMT 8
Watching Sisyphus for the upteenth time and near the last episode, still the best Korean time travel TV show they ever made, its really good and the twists and turns are simply great along with really good acting (its in english as well).
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Trinity
DES Trans
14,582
Nov 5, 2015 13:41:59 GMT 8
November 2015
trinity
Non-Binary
Sh'e, H'er, they them, she, he, whatever....
Bisexual
Faithfully Married.
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Post by Trinity on Aug 31, 2023 2:13:26 GMT 8
Expanse for me, again. I'd watch it another time too.
Riding out the outer bands of a hurricane that almost made a direct hit on the state capitol, but the center was on Perry Florida, oddly enough, and it passed as a cat 3 about 25 miles from Tellahassee. Wiped out the entire coast up there.
Still working on healthcare, got some leads, will be ok. Planning on staying socially detransitioned but physically full mtf hrt, could back off on meds but I don't want to be crippled by dysphoria again. And how can it be detransitioned when I am nonbinary anyway and comfortable however I present (which is not the same as when I first came here).
Depression continues to suck.... and I've pulled back from all the stuff going on, just can't handle it any more.
But yah, Expanse, and that new version of Dune is really good.
The world is pretty good as long as I don't watch the media.
Season 5 is up again.
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Non-Binary
Sh'e, H'er, they them, she, he, whatever....
Bisexual
Faithfully Married.
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Post by Trinity on Aug 31, 2023 7:54:13 GMT 8
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Post by Ativan Prescribed on Aug 31, 2023 11:44:44 GMT 8
I pay enough attention to the news about politics to laugh at it, fooking republicans just can't stop shooting themselves in the foot. They have run out of odd shit to whine about and keep the MAGA MORONS in a state of fear, I mean its just not feasible to keep finding shit to complain about. Kid Rock is back to drinking Bud Light, Barbie made billions, nobody is afraid of LGBTQ except people who are afraid of everything and everyone knows they are. What have they done in the house as far as legislation goes, anyone have any idea what they have done for the country, the only thing they do is make bigger and bigger fools of themselves. Do they really think letting trump off the hook is going to win them elections? Maybe in FL or TX, but I doubt that. What have they done for either of those states besides making them the laughingstock of the country and in most of the world. I hardly pay attention to the shot storm going on around them anymore, they are well on their way down that slippery slope of soon to be forgotten. Even Putin is falling apart and Ukraine is going to wipe them out in that country, they are losers just like the republicans are here, if you support republicans, just know that most people consider you to be stupid. Even the debate was laughable, if you really want to see what the republicans are up to, watch that debate they had with the sound off and then watch YT vids with Karen's with the sound off, they all do the one arm finger pointing and waving thing. Trump at least does his accordion hands, but the rest of them do the Gym Jordan wave your arm around in a distracting way that is only annoying, its how you tell assholes apart from normal people, normal people don't always make even the dumbest of arguments by waving one arm around as if it means something, they look like old timey movies of even older politicians trying to make some dumbass thing believable. And thats the point, when you have nothing you wave your arms like you do have something but if all you are doing is waving your arms, its the clown move, the fakers move, the failed move, it simply makes you look like a dumbass. And then theirs their senate leader, ahh-ahh- silennce=ahh, old turtle himself, he's the pride and joy and yet he is falling apart as he speaks, poor guy should just give up because he is now going down in history like all republicans, in the toilet. Pay attention or not, it makes no difference, they have spectacularly failed and are in the swirl from the latest flush. And MAGA Morons are toothless, don't care if they have guns, they know they are impotent if you don't use them, just waving them around like they wave their arms does nothing after a while and its long past after a while. Besides, they are all thinking just showing up anywhere is the FBI baiting them, the dumb fooks. I feel sorry for people that ignorant, I mean there are ways to make yourself not seem so fooking stupid.
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DES Trans
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trinity
Non-Binary
Sh'e, H'er, they them, she, he, whatever....
Bisexual
Faithfully Married.
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Post by Trinity on Aug 31, 2023 22:09:30 GMT 8
What I am waiting and hoping for is a severe backlash in the courts against the anti trans laws. It needs to happen, great harm has happened here because of the bigots. And I hate running from dictators, they need to be exposed and arrested.
As regards depression, I took one of those self tests and it came up moderate, it's been debilitating and I think its really depression because I can't think my way out of it, does help to go for walks, but I'm flat and its not changing.
So I'm looking for professional help and might get it, have a possible lead.
I don't want meds for it, I want therapy to deal with the root cause, not some kind of bandaid.
Links to DES on that one. More is coming out on that, I'm textbook DES nonbinary trans.
The republicans seem to be a hate group controlled by the rich, for the rich. At least the dems care about people that need help.
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violynne
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Post by Yuki on Sept 1, 2023 11:36:41 GMT 8
What I am waiting and hoping for is a severe backlash in the courts against the anti trans laws. It needs to happen, great harm has happened here because of the bigots. And I hate running from dictators, they need to be exposed and arrested. As regards depression, I took one of those self tests and it came up moderate, it's been debilitating and I think its really depression because I can't think my way out of it, does help to go for walks, but I'm flat and its not changing. So I'm looking for professional help and might get it, have a possible lead. I don't want meds for it, I want therapy to deal with the root cause, not some kind of bandaid. Links to DES on that one. More is coming out on that, I'm textbook DES nonbinary trans. The republicans seem to be a hate group controlled by the rich, for the rich. At least the dems care about people that need help. I feel like it all has to come to a head soon. But soon is relative and could mean 5 months or 5 years… hopefully sooner rather than later though. I’m exhausted by all of it, too. I think collectively a lot of people are struggling with depression because of the constant trauma from every direction right now. I don’t know if that helps, but I kind of at least feel a little less alone in knowing that everyone is unhappy with the way things have been going. And maybe the fact that everyone is so miserable here will speed things up. I’m nervous about my own healthcare, too. Although the anti trans stuff doesn’t really affect me directly, since I don’t take hormones or anything, the anti woman stuff does. It’s scaring decent OBGYNs into leaving those states. I kind of need those lol. I haven’t talked to mine about it, but I hope he doesn’t decide to leave. He’s probably the most decent doctor I’ve had and I’m needing ultrasounds every 6 months for right now to monitor things. I’d hate to have to change doctors and end up with one that doesn’t care… which might be the type I would end up with in that situation… if all of the ones who do care leave because they care. Too many don’t take this disease seriously, and I wouldn’t get what I needed if I ended up with one like that. I’d have to kiss those ultrasound appointments goodbye and just sit and wait for something serious to happen again… like a lot of other people that have this have to do already because their doctors are terrible. So, I understand to an extent. But it hasn’t effected me yet like it has you. It just could in the future if things continue, and that is scary enough. But sorry you’re having a rough time mentally. I haven’t been in a head space to comment on that, but I see your posts here and on Facebook. We all just have to hang in there until we can get to the other side of the shitty things and things start to turn back around. They always do eventually, and with some pressure from enough people. But you probably know that better than me I’m sure. For now, keep going for those walks and keep trying to find a decent therapist. Depression meds never worked for me either.
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Non-Binary
Sh'e, H'er, they them, she, he, whatever....
Bisexual
Faithfully Married.
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Post by Trinity on Sept 1, 2023 23:22:20 GMT 8
What I am waiting and hoping for is a severe backlash in the courts against the anti trans laws. It needs to happen, great harm has happened here because of the bigots. And I hate running from dictators, they need to be exposed and arrested. As regards depression, I took one of those self tests and it came up moderate, it's been debilitating and I think its really depression because I can't think my way out of it, does help to go for walks, but I'm flat and its not changing. So I'm looking for professional help and might get it, have a possible lead. I don't want meds for it, I want therapy to deal with the root cause, not some kind of bandaid. Links to DES on that one. More is coming out on that, I'm textbook DES nonbinary trans. The republicans seem to be a hate group controlled by the rich, for the rich. At least the dems care about people that need help. I feel like it all has to come to a head soon. But soon is relative and could mean 5 months or 5 years… hopefully sooner rather than later though. I’m exhausted by all of it, too. I think collectively a lot of people are struggling with depression because of the constant trauma from every direction right now. I don’t know if that helps, but I kind of at least feel a little less alone in knowing that everyone is unhappy with the way things have been going. And maybe the fact that everyone is so miserable here will speed things up. I’m nervous about my own healthcare, too. Although the anti trans stuff doesn’t really affect me directly, since I don’t take hormones or anything, the anti woman stuff does. It’s scaring decent OBGYNs into leaving those states. I kind of need those lol. I haven’t talked to mine about it, but I hope he doesn’t decide to leave. He’s probably the most decent doctor I’ve had and I’m needing ultrasounds every 6 months for right now to monitor things. I’d hate to have to change doctors and end up with one that doesn’t care… which might be the type I would end up with in that situation… if all of the ones who do care leave because they care. Too many don’t take this disease seriously, and I wouldn’t get what I needed if I ended up with one like that. I’d have to kiss those ultrasound appointments goodbye and just sit and wait for something serious to happen again… like a lot of other people that have this have to do already because their doctors are terrible. So, I understand to an extent. But it hasn’t effected me yet like it has you. It just could in the future if things continue, and that is scary enough. But sorry you’re having a rough time mentally. I haven’t been in a head space to comment on that, but I see your posts here and on Facebook. We all just have to hang in there until we can get to the other side of the shitty things and things start to turn back around. They always do eventually, and with some pressure from enough people. But you probably know that better than me I’m sure. For now, keep going for those walks and keep trying to find a decent therapist. Depression meds never worked for me either. Better day today, and Covid was a factor in how I have been feeling. I set some other boundaries at home, so I can stay away from the triggers. My wife is clueless. Also the DES research really points to depression. I'm kind of over the gender thing, and tired of the raging, just want to be left alone these days. It would be nice to shave my legs again though. I haven't had time for self care at all, but we see the light at the end of the tunnel here. Get through the year, then the next 4 or 5, and kick back and relax and build those guitar projects lying around, make some music or something if I'm not too old. Hopefully not. I hope you get the help you need for your stuff. Its been a cluster over here for a really long time. Hardest part is what's happened to the kids, and the abuse that's still going on, lots of verbal violence and broken marriages. You get a nice person like you have with Hubby, you really are fortunate.
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