our stories,what it was like, what happened,who we are now

[Deleted]

This is a thread to post our personal journey through finding ourselves.

I will go later, and tell it all when I do.

Trinity Satin Joy.

[Deleted]

The intent is our life stories here, not just transition.

Your call, it's the internet..

[Patty]

I was born a woman in the wrong suit and unfortunately had to live a life in that suit.Now that is all changing.

[Taka]

i was born, tried to grow up, failed, and then tried being an overgrown child instead.
that kind of works sometimes...

[Deleted]

It sucked. Really sucked. I never belonged to anything but one group and there were only five of us. and even there I still stood out though.

What was I born? I don't know. I was just born. No matter the praying, the pleading, the anguish, the pain, the... well the pain, it sucked. Somewhere in between. I can sum it up though. I can sum it up in a few words, Lost, forgotten, freak. A dude with tits. chick with a d**k she**le, Tra**y and anything else you can think of. I don't want to go into the other words unless someone needs me to. :-/

But one positive is that I am special. I am different. I am unique. No matter how bad the names, I am me. Never wavered from that. Even though I could have and still back off, but never. I will be in their face. So what? what can they do? Even thought about it myself. For those that come behind me I pray I have given them an easier road or path at least to travel. But I am so afraid I haven't. I think they are gonna' have just as hard a path as I've had to travel down.

[Deleted]

I was born and became an adult fast out of necessity, there was no childhood, this is it! I am experiencing my childhood now! 

[Laura J]

I've done this before on the other forum, but I think I've gained more clarity about myself now, so I'll start over from scratch.

I was born a boy.. I had a very sensitive heart, and was hurt easily. That weakness was easy for others to spot I guess, and after 7-8 years into school, with the bullying and name calling, I ended up alone, with little idea of how to fit in or defend myself emotionally.? I believed the world was no place for me during my late teens, I tried suicide once, contemplated it countless times, and ended up a total mess..

When I hit my 20s things got much better, I found a job in a pet shop of all places, and it felt so easy to be me, and feel happy with a shop full of animals..

I realized I needed more money because I wanted to live on my own, and my Dad got me a job at his company, where I worked my butt off to prove myself, and soon moved into a cheap apartment alone, where I was happiest.. I started drinking and doing drugs as I could afford them, but things were tight, and I had to keep going ahead somehow..
I met a lady I worked with, and we started hanging out together in our free time.. It was easy to become very close friends because she was gay, no sexual tension at all, we just loved each other and laughed together drunk dancing on her front porch at 3:00am, and crying our deepest tears at other times.. I knew all her girlfriends also, and to some people I must of seemed so weird, but those were my best friends I've ever had, I still search the web for them, but never see a trace.?

I was also writing pen pals during that time, there was no internet or computers, just pen and paper.. I met my now wife that way, we wrote so so many letters to each other, every day almost, airmail to the other side of the world.. We ended up marrying when I was 24, and have been together ever since..

At some point after I got married, I more and more felt out of place within myself.. I felt awkward most of the time, hard to explain.? I slowly began drinking more and more, and it numbed the awkwardness and uncertainty for many years..

In the past couple years I've had to stop drinking for health reasons, I guess I've pretty much destroyed my liver..

I learned what transgender was about 5 Years ago.. Its taken me over 4 of those years to get it to click in my head that being non binary was what was making me feel so out of place, that I was trying to be someone I never was meant to be, endlessly forcing myself to try and fit stereotypes that I'd never questioned before. I even joined these forums calling myself CIS, not even knowing why I had joined, you all and your experiences just kept calling me, even though I was stubborn at first..

I know its been mere months since I've claimed my real gender identity, I don't know how to explain it, I haven't changed in any core ways, but I feel very different.. Its the shedding of my skin from social stereotypes, the release of the burden of always trying to fit into something.? Its a hundred things like that...

I can't help wondering where I'll be in a year, or ten.? Knowing how much I've learned about myself in the past few months, makes me dream of the possibilities I might realize in the future..

So that's my story..
Comments welcomed..?

Great topic Trinity SatinJoy..

[Deleted]

It's so hard for me to post my life's story. Maybe impossible. My past all blurs together when I think of it this way. I can't piece it all together neatly. Some of it I only seem to remember when something sparks a memory. So often the parts I do remember change perspective as I grow.

*Trigger warning?*

It's really nothing remarkable anyway. I had a father who expected me to be a man. His definition of one. He was ex-military and very inflexible. We never got along. My mother... What an odd relationship. We weren't exactly close, either. I suppose it's fair to say we were somewhat close when I was little, but by my teens, I hated her even more than I hated my father, who by that time was gone completely from my life. I spent my teens locked away in my room, where my contact with the outside world was looking out my window. When I did come out and interact with my mum, we usually fought. She had a string of boyfriends who were shady as hell. One moved in for a few years. I hated him. Sometimes I even fantasized about killing him.

I eventually moved out. Things were a lot better after being separated from her, and eventually we patched things up. Slowly, the relationship improved over many years. I had several dysfunctional romantic relationships. My last ex nearly killed me several times. I like to think that if the devil exists, she's it. I don't feel like getting into the details of that particular horror. I think I've relived it enough, both through nightmares and talking. It's time to put it to rest now.

I got away from her somehow. I met an amazing woman who genuinely cared for me. Slowly, painfully, with her encouragement, nurturing and unwavering love and support, I healed from the past, and became the woman I am today.

And that's the condensed version of it.

EDIT: You're probably wondering why there's no mention of things like school or job experiences. I dropped out of school very early. In grade school, but I can no longer remember which grade. I skipped class more often than not before that. And I never worked a job where I had to interact with others.

[Leki]

I was born in 1992 to a large loving family, unfortunately the people in my schools weren't always as loving.

In 2012, after accepting my sexuality I fell into a huge gender crisis that culminated into me coming out this week.

I am currently preparing to move back to my hometown where the truth is gonna be out!

[Laura J]

Thanks for sharing Leki.

Is your hometown very accepting.?

Please feel free to let us know if we can help.?

Take care
Mark

[Deleted]

Hello people who want to know more about what its like to be us. I am a non binary married Male to Female hormone transitioned transsexual, living among you as male, not quite hidden, with boots and long nails and a twinkle in my eyes born of freedom.

I am DES born, womb converted- which is controversial, but I believe my receptors, central nervous system and skeleton were altered in the second trimester from male to female.

I always knew I was different, right from the beginning. Not drawn to girly things, but just fundamentally different. Too sensitive, cry at the drop of a hat, isolated... no friends until the third grade. Make that 5th or 6th.

Could not do sports in gym, was very petite, loved to read, escaped all the time.

Around the sixth grade it got ugly, I was crushing on the first girl that grew a chest, but very effeminate. That was when six years of being called faggot and ridiculed publically daily began, usually through laughter, an entire classroom pointing their fingers at me, laughing. Not mentally healthy. Evil.

I remember in the third grade in an episode of lonliness and sorrow trying to save a worm in a mudpuddle. I remember clearly hearing in my spirit the Lords voice, saying he loved me for my compassion on the worm. Right after that as usual someone hit me, but this time a teacher stepped in to rebuke, but the tears came, the deep embarrassment... but that moment with God would change my life forever.

I became adept at hiding the effeminacy, evolving another persona to protect myself. My dysphoria had already manifested, I would look in the mirror and not know if it was a boy or girl looking back. My body felt girl. My mind was a wreck from the bullying.

I had a brilliant mind back then, gifted in things of the verbal arts, able to see things in the written word others could not, able to easily read Shakespeare and appreciate all he has, he has a lot in there. I tried out for a play in high school, did it, and someone after the show laughed at me and said I looked stupid. The finger points. I would not go on stage again. I did become a fighter, in sports, wrestling, and made JV county champion several times. The state champ was in my weight class- 112 at 5'8.

A lifechanging sequence of events then took place. I had worked up a song from Godspell for a music audition - I was in the all state chorus for years - and I got a call from a neighbor asking for a ride to a local playhouse for their audition, they were doing Godspell. I had no intention to try out.

I found myself walking up to the stage and auditioning. Life changed. I got cast as the lead, it was the beginning of a one hundred show run back to back that ended in a decision to get sober.

Met someone I loved deeply there, was initiated by a professional psychic into what that offers, and found booze.

Inside a month I became a hopeless alcoholic. Fueled by no self esteem, predisposition genetically and the secret of being trans, crossdressing at the time, with no idea what was happening in the early seventies when I started the career and the bars...

I would go dance with a bottle in one hand, amyl nitrate in the other, lingerie under my clothes, and try to get picked up, by anyone, male or female. Usually I would pass out before the fun began, sometimes, they liked that. It was pure addiction. Self hate.

To cut the booze short, I eventually wound up cast in a Broadway show, cast simultaneously in several off Broadway projects, and hit bottom hard. I showed up at an AA meeting dressed, they told me they didn't care, they helped me not drink that night. And have been now for over 30 years. I gave up the shows to get sober, and retired from the theater, for now.

I fell in love with a Christian Ciswoman, the woman of my dreams, I love her so much, and gave up theater, my female needs, and the psychic for her. I became a Christian and bought into the idea that being trans was sin. So I kept it up for 30 years, purging well over 50 times, having a secret closet of clothes, having the dysphoria, hating myself. I could never understand why Christ stayed with me, the witness of the Spirit was always there, I can feel Him, all the time. He protects me from the forces I encountered as a trained psychic. He is my Hero, my saviour, the one who owns me body and soul and heart and mind. It is my truth, I will not be silent about it.

But I hit the wall, dyphoria finally had its way, I was willing to give up everything to get hormones, the wife, the stuff I own, all that I had given up all of me became one negotiation with dysphoria.

I got an endo, he sent me to a shrink. I got softened up enough to put controls on my presentation and got down to the business of learning who i am. Not male, Not female. Transgendered, a DES son, components of everthing as mixed in as chocolate milk, chocalate male, milk female, no way to separate it out. It just is.

Since then I came to another place online and explored gender, and found the people here, then I found the truth of who I am, accepting and embracing my past, my present, and my future. I live socially genderqueer with long clear polished nails, knee high boots, and I have breasts that show. I also have a beard, my gift to my wife, it stabilizes her. It also hurts like heck to have it dypshorically, but i learned to value that man that made Broadway, that protected my family, that lives inside, an old man with a lined face from stress and joy, a man that carries something special within, a young woman lives in my heart, it is the woman they scorned in school, she is kind, loving, compassionate, and filled with grace and joy. Passionate to say the least, and free now to be.

The sprititual conflict I discovered was unscriptural, there is no choice here, I was born this way for a purpose, it is to help others who are trans to survive in a very harsh world, a world that is not controlled by love and compassion, but by fear and anger. I dislike that deeply, I wish to leave a legacy of love and kindness wherever my steps may fall, to the end of my days, living according to the One who indwells me.

Some will hate this story. It is my truth. The was One who also spoke the truth, and was hated, but He did so much, He still does.

Its just the tip of my story. Its worse than what I wrote, much more painful, but those days are past. This is the season of promise, of candles and incense and silk and passion. These are the days of freedom, of celebrating my truth, of daring to be real.

Love to all who read this post. It is my truth.

I am Satinjoy. A nonbinary, Chistian, married, Transsexual, no surguries, but totally female hormonally and physically with only one alteration needed to cross the line. But like the beard, that will stay.

Blessings my dear ones. Love each other please, let go of the pain and anger, celebrate your lives.

[EchelonHunt]

Merged your posts If you need to post more since it's difficult on mobile, just post as a new comment and I'll merge it with your original post

[Deleted]

Thank you Jayce. I didn't want to accidentally delete any of it, and its quite long.

[Taka]

nitrite, not nitrate.
(sorry, can't help it when the spelling mistake makes that much of a difference)

[Deleted]

Dec 1, 2014 21:14:14 GMT 8 Taka said:

nitrite, not nitrate.
(sorry, can't help it when the spelling mistake makes that much of a difference)

It was many years ago, decades, but the addiction was so bad it is like yesterday. Death in a bottle, avoid at all costs.

Trinity