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sooty
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Post by Taka on Dec 1, 2014 21:41:31 GMT 8
i've never even thought of trying that. i don't use any substances as an escape. doesn't work for me.
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Post by Whisper on Dec 3, 2014 9:00:51 GMT 8
I was born in the early 70s. Having gender difficulties throughout my life plagued me. During college in the 90s, therapy lead to more clarity. Non-binary living is more right for me. done HRT changes. Long hair down to my lower back. I wear mixed gender clothing many days. Never fully male nor female unless provoked. Long nails is also my thing. whisper
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Ayla
m2me
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November 2014
aisla
Female
Female
She/Her
Pansexual
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Post by Ayla on Dec 10, 2014 15:52:45 GMT 8
I think that I have posted many times on another forum but for future travellers this is how I arrived at this point.
MAAB born in the late 50's in the UK. Mother suffered severe post natal depression following my birth (no jokes please); this is important as it appears that the stress of living by herself in a new country (my father was serving in a conflict zone) caused her significant stress which likely gendered my brain non binary. It also meant that I always felt the need to meet or to exceed expectations to avoid upsetting her and drawing attention to me.
First thoughts of feeling wrong or attracted to the thought of being a girl around the age of 4. At 7 I asked my mother if she would dress me as a girl. Ridiculed and told not to be silly. Never really related to my mother whose depression cast a shadow over the family. We learned early not to draw attention to ourselves less physical discipline follow. Continued thoughts and secret cross dressing escapades continued until 13 when we migrated to Australia. Here I quickly found out that your survival as a loner was problematic and unpleasant but that you were never bullied unless you were poor at sports, slower, fatter, more passive, less intelligent, had an accent or in any other way drew attention to yourself. Felt displaced and that I was never truly present. Felt like an actor learning their moves. Became a very successful binary alpha male - and like a fool I did what many do, I thought that I could prove to myself that I was 100 per cent normal so joined the Navy. The first 12 months were pretty darn bad. My brother had preceded me into the Navy so I incurred more than my fair share of bastardisation but learned to survive. This was partly due to my brother's advice to not take life so seriously, in fact treat the bastardisation, or anything else diminishing, as a joke and imagine that it was happening to someone else, and not to the real you. I took his advice and learned to displace myself from any unpleasant situation or indeed any situation where emotions were in evidence. This allowed me to be completely dispassionate and emotionally uninvolved. This was not good for my relationships. I became phlegmatic to the point of being socially catatonic. One girl friend said that it felt that I was "there but not there", that I observed rather than participated and in many ways was emotionally unavailable. Nevertheless I married at 27 to a woman who was, in many ways, my female twin. Left the Navy and had a very successful career covering many industries and countries. Had 2 fantastic children and really enjoyed the whole parenting experience.
In the early 80's, dysphoria announced it's arrival in a big way. Via distraction (work, sports, hobbies, sic fi fantasy was a big one etc) the dysphoria was largely suppressed until the early 90's when it returned with a vengeance. I told my wife about my compulsion to cross dress and confessed that I didnt know if I was a fetishist or whether I was sick in some way. I sought help from a 'gender specialist' and was ridiculed for even thinking about life as another gender given my large athletic build, because I would "almost certainly not pass a woman". This caused me some shock as I hadn't seriously considered that I might be transexual. In parallel my marriage was stressed by affairs or extra marital relationships leading to three periods of separation. At the time I convinced myself that I was searching for my soul mate, that one person who would complete, recognise, understand and accept me. This romantic view, this immature view, caused much unnecessary damage and stress. As per usual the real truth was in fact hiding in plain sight. I just had to look inside, understand, accept and to authentically express myself. It took me many years to learn and to accept this truth.
Feelings were buried away. Compartmentalisation became a survival strategy. Occasionally, then more frequently, the dysphoria escaped its box so I cross dressed. When for the first time I saw myself en femme, I finally understood that my cross dressing was more than a fetish. Went to counselling for many years and continued to cross dress. Finally when living in the US, the internet took me to a gender therapist who quickly diagnosed me as trans and assured me that this was a relatively common condition, one that would not go away but was treatable. I commenced hrt and the impact was immediate and profound. No dysphoria, nothing, nada. Just complete relief, a sense of oneness, richness, empathy and a sense of peace and connection.
Unfortunately the prevailing construct was binary transition and non binary identities were not even discussed, much less considered. Commenced transition dose of hrt and then rushed into 2 major sets of FFS (with an andro intent). Not prepared for the emotional and physical trauma arising from the operations. This also coincided with severe professional and relationship challenges. I felt out of control and my thinking fluffy. I stopped hrt.
Fast forward 10 months. I had returned to Oz and saw one Psychiatrist, 3 Psychologists and 2 gender therapists to seek their opinion. Each agreed that I was clearly trans. Shared this with my wife who responded badly having not been aware of my earlier surgical intent or my hrt. She was convinced that I would transition and was further inflamed when I started laser hair removal and electrolysis. My breasts responded quickly, too quickly. Again I felt out of control. My endo then encouraged me to flex my hrt dosages to determine the dose at which I achieved equilibrium ie no dysphoria, clear thinking and minimal physical change. Unfortunately my breasts were becoming problematic so I had a bilateral breast reduction (the loss of nipple sensation for almost 2 years was not good). Along the way I finally understood myself to be non binary with a desire for an androgynous but fluid presentation. Still very much a work in progress.
Over the last 2 years as my hair has grown and my face and body have become more androgynous I have been attracted to increasing my hrt as I find it addictive and seductive. However somewhere along the way my journey became as much spiritual as it was physical. I really started to sense that the experience of trans is not necessarily MTF, MTA FTM etc but is perhaps better seen as f2me or m2me. The search or quest for self understanding, acceptance and expression is a lifelong journey.
More than 50 folk now know that I am trans and they have all been supportive and keen to better understand my lived experience. Each time that I have revealed myself I have found greater confidence, self acceptance and joy in the unexpected perspective and gifts that being non binary have bestowed on me. I have been blessed by the teachers, fellow travellers, kindred spirits and kind souls that I have met on my journey. Each major obstacle or crisis have proven to be relatively inconsequential after the event. At 57 I am finally meeting myself for the very first time. I feel authentic and no longer a construct or simulcrum.
I know that our roads often have obstacles, dead ends etc but they also lead to amazing vistas, beautiful locations and unexpected friendships. I don't know if my marriage will survive but it certainly looked and felt much better once I understood that there was no upside in hiding in fear and that honest, timely communication is essential if trust is to be maintained. Yes I sometimes think that I just wish I could get to the endpoint (whatever that is), but I guess that would be defeating the purpose of our journey. Without the journey, there is no self expression, no search and no growth.
Safe travels
Aisla
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Post by Deleted on Dec 10, 2014 23:00:55 GMT 8
Aisla, thank you for such an articulate and beautifully written story of who Aisla really is.
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Onyx
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Post by Onyx on Dec 11, 2014 16:55:20 GMT 8
i was born to be a scapegoat. i live someone else's life. my role is to experience that bad while they get the good. eventually i'll become useless. but hey, its not all bad right. every form of life wants to experience living, moving, using all 5 senses. but i'll get my own life sooner or later.
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Post by Ayla on Dec 12, 2014 2:38:28 GMT 8
Julie
Thank you for sharing your story. I now better understand how such a wonderful person was created. Our journeys are rarely the same but often have similarities. The loneliness, the search for meaning and the depths of despair that we often plumb before we find ourselves are common to many. The stress, the torment, and the trials that you have experienced have helped you become the quite extraordinary person that you have. Your impact here and elsewhere is profound, many seek your friendship and support. That you give so much of yourself, so readily, is testament to the rare and beautiful soul that we have come to know and love.
Safe travels
Aisla
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Post by Ayla on Dec 12, 2014 3:22:33 GMT 8
Shan
I am often struck by the many and various paths that have brought us to this point aka "the forest". In your case, armed conflict on foreign soil and contact with noxious chemicals. With others, the impact of DES on their bodies or maternal stress while they were still in utero. Whatever the reason as to why why we have been caused to become, or indeed to come to understand ourselves as trans, it hasn't been an easy journey. Just understanding what is happening, who you are and accepting this is not easily done and does take time and hard work.
Expressing and living authentically and powerfully then becomes our aim. Through reading your story and others I feel less alone, less unusual and certainly no longer feel or fear that I may be damaged, ill or indeed abnormal. The lives that you and others have created our inspirational. The challenges, the curve balls, the set backs, the pain, the hurt that is common to so many of us seems to have served to make you stronger, more accepting and more appreciative of the life and opportunity that you have created.
Thank you for being here and thank you for sharing so much of your love, experience and insight.
Safe travels
Aisla
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Post by Ayla on Dec 12, 2014 5:25:26 GMT 8
i was born to be a scapegoat. i live someone else's life. my role is to experience that bad while they get the good. eventually i'll become useless. but hey, its not all bad right. every form of life wants to experience living, moving, using all 5 senses. but i'll get my own life sooner or later. Onyx You will get your own life. You cannot live your life for another. You cant live the life that another chooses for you. Neither is sustainable and both are damaging. The life that you seek is within your power to create and to express. We all deserve a great life and you are no different. At times I think that most of us have felt despair and depression. Sometimes the way forward is less than obvious and it is hard to find the energy, motivation or means to progress. However as so many here have found, our life can and does get better. We deserve to have a great life. We can indeed find the life that we seek. I think that it is in some ways the product of time and self knowledge but it often comes from rejecting a situation, finding and shaping yourself and your relationships to provide you with the love, support and meaning that each of us need, desire and seek. Your intent to get your own life will ensure that this occurs. Self belief and self love will propel you forward. I wish you well. Safe travels Aisla
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EchelonHunt
Avatar by @hitsukuya
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admin
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Post by EchelonHunt on Dec 13, 2014 21:54:02 GMT 8
I was born premature with ambiguous genitalia, the doctors were discussing whether to perform corrective surgery but they decided against it. As a result, I grew up knowing I was different from other boys and girls. I thought I could pee standing up like my father, but the obvious anatomy differences I was not aware of interfered with this process. I was ashamed and vowed that my body would surely fix itself come puberty.
Puberty came, depression was my new best friend. I began to feel even more isolated from my peers and friends. I didn't understand the logic behind socialization and the petty rules girls were conforming to. I held no interest in any of that fake BS that only serves to create drama and drive a wedge between each other. I also held no interest in romance or sex. I had no sex drive either, this also further alienated me from others.
Depression worsened and I began to feel helpless in this body of mine. I began to please other people, be kind and helpful to them. This prompted both girls and boys to take advantage of my kindness, to manipulate me for their own gains. I never learned to stand up for myself, I was scared of saying, "no" in case I angered someone. I was scared of being yelled at or accidentally making the other person angry for whatever reason... this most likely happened from a childhood experience I had. My friend had an older brother who enjoyed collecting insects, I showed interest in his insects and asked about them, the older brother was not the friendly type and he grabbed me by the chin, pulled me close to his face and growled at me to stay away from him... Needless to say, I burst into tears and ran away. I was a very timid and shy person, I became a doormat for others to wipe their muddy shoes on.
I didn't know who I was in terms of identity as a whole. What kind of personality am I? What sexuality am I? What gender identity am I? I longed for an identity, a place to feel most like myself and a place to belong where other like-minded folks could cry and smile alongside me. It was then that I discovered cosplay, I could dress up as male characters and escape from the empty void of whatever I was... it was an escape. I would smile and finally feel free from the endless questioning of who I was. But then at the end of the day, the costume would come off and I would go back to being me again.
At 18 years old, I made a plan to kill myself. The plan fell through as I didn't want to leave this world before finding out who I was. I attempted to kill myself another time and the idea of being buried as a woman brought me back from the brink of darkness. I didn't want to die a woman without fixing my body first. It came apparent then that my female body was a source of distress.
I did not know you could identify as neither male or female. I believed there was only male or female. If I hated being female so much, surely I must be male...? That was what I thought. I began transitioning to male, saw a few horrible borderline abusive therapists/psychiatrists who felt I was either "too trans enough" or just suffering from sexual identity issues until I found my current psychiatrist. After attending regular sessions for a few years, I was able to begin hormone treatment. After four years and breaking free of an abusive relationship, I began to question my gender identity, I found that I identified as genderless.
Despite identifying as genderless, I have a strong desire to complete the female-to-male transition. Having a masculine body is preferred over a female body as nearly everything that entails a female body is a trigger for distress for me. I am genderless, my body will be male (sex doesn't have to equal gender identity) and my gender expression is genderfluid depending on my mood.
After a decade of misery, I have finally found myself - what a relief! Now I strive forward to the surgeries that will alleviate body dysphoria and I will finally be able to finish transitioning and tackle my desires of travelling the world
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Post by Deleted on Dec 13, 2014 22:27:22 GMT 8
My heart goes out to you Jacey, you suffered a silent hell of your own all through those earlier years. I think that we all have a sense of worthlessness at times that comes out of our various self identity struggles and all the associated inner turmoil that accompanies it, some suffer so much more than others.
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Post by Ayla on Dec 14, 2014 2:41:13 GMT 8
Jacey
You stand out as one of the most loving, supportive and generous folk that I have had the good fortune to meet and to travel alongside. That you have managed to face and to overcome so much hurt and misery is inspirational and indeed humbling. Happiness is an inalienable right and I am so pleased that you have now found it and can see your best way forward. That you have dealt with so much in so short a time, perhaps explains in part why you were compelled to establish this wonderful forum. Myself and many others benefit from and celebrate your vision and commitment to helping others find themselves. This was an unexpected blessing for us, and for the difference that you have made in my life, I thank you most sincerely.
Safe travels Aisla
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Post by Patty on Dec 17, 2014 9:44:05 GMT 8
Jacey I bow to your resiliency you are a hero and follow one code I live by, Adapt And Survive , I believe the key is survive and you have done well despite everything.Tomorrow will be brighter you have found your way, I am very impressed and happy for you. Patty
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Post by Deleted on Dec 18, 2014 13:14:36 GMT 8
Well Jacey. I for one am thankful that your plan at 18 fell through. If you would have went through with it, think of all the chances of friendship that you would havem missed. Think of all th chances of friendship we all would have missed with being friends of yours. Sometimes life sux but there is always a reason and silver lining behind it. If not I would have been dead a long time ago, Even thought about it a few times. No though. No way. I wanna' see where I can take it, not where it takes me. When I was18 it was all about where it seemed to take me, now in my mid to upper 40's its where I take it.
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Post by Deleted on Dec 22, 2014 6:18:31 GMT 8
Well Jacey. I for one am thankful that your plan at 18 fell through. If you would have went through with it, think of all the chances of friendship that you would havem missed. Think of all th chances of friendship we all would have missed with being friends of yours. Sometimes life sux but there is always a reason and silver lining behind it. If not I would have been dead a long time ago, Even thought about it a few times. No though. No way. I wanna' see where I can take it, not where it takes me. When I was18 it was all about where it seemed to take me, now in my mid to upper 40's its where I take it.That's always been my modus operandi in terms of my own stuff. This bear went over the mountain and became a mover and shaker in terms of their own life strategies.
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Human being
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Post by Laura J on Dec 22, 2014 9:08:52 GMT 8
Well I have a short one.... My life just sukked until the beginning of 2014. Strange to say as a stage-tech but I was the greatest actor I ever met....... One without lines......without a clue...... Thats the truth about the acting, I really relate to that.. You haven't given up though Suzanne, you're really amazing, I think you're so strong inside..! I gave up long ago, on everything, just wanted to drink myself to death, and almost did.. Beginning of 2014is also when I started figuring out who I was. You're going to succeed and flourish, I just know it.! huggs you..
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