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Post by Deleted on Nov 17, 2015 3:01:49 GMT 8
Hi one and all...after years or decades of reading, thinking, avoiding and more energy spent on less satisfaction around my gender...I am now writing something. Unsure what to write. Here's my situ...
I am biologically female. Gay. Married. Disabled. Most of those are irrelevant on here which is comforting. I have always had a flat chest...yes flat...and so have fought with wanting more and then feeling fake. Last year I started dressing what I class as feminine however to many it was just far less so, I imagine. To me it felt like dressing up. A phase. I'm through that short phase now. I love masculine clothes however feel lost when they are on me...do they suit me etc. I'm trying, for the n'th time, to grow my hair. I think so that it is a bit feminine and then perhaps I will feel more comfy in masculine clothes I like. I wish I had been born a male however don't believe this is the route I want to go down with medical adjustments. I use to think I was a boy, played wth my brother etc; then went phobic against anything that made me look male eg the material and zip of jeans folding in the crotch area. Then when people referred to me as male it pissed me off.
Nowadays...I probably appear as a tomboy and I think that this is fine, to a degree, however inside I feel so torn, confused and uncertain of who I am. I've recently bought some nipple pads however when I tried them on I felt unsure. I have filled bras which I avoid wearing as much as possible partly due to the discomfort of a bra however also as it makes me feel fake, and I don't even know if I want breasts! I have recently plucked up the courage to talk to a GP who was kind and caring. Phew. He is referring me to a gender psychiatrist.
Well...that's my ramblings. Thank you for reading it ????
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Post by Trinity on Nov 17, 2015 3:09:19 GMT 8
Thanks for posting it Welcome to the forum. There are many answers here, read on, ask questions, feel free. Its a good place to be. And you will find your way, you already took your first step towards finding your truth and your freedom. Enjoy the forest... Trinity
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Post by Deleted on Nov 17, 2015 4:34:45 GMT 8
Hi one and all...after years or decades of reading, thinking, avoiding and more energy spent on less satisfaction around my gender...I am now writing something. Unsure what to write. Here's my situ... I am biologically female. Gay. Married. Disabled. Most of those are irrelevant on here which is comforting. I have always had a flat chest...yes flat...and so have fought with wanting more and then feeling fake. Last year I started dressing what I class as feminine however to many it was just far less so, I imagine. To me it felt like dressing up. A phase. I'm through that short phase now. I love masculine clothes however feel lost when they are on me...do they suit me etc. I'm trying, for the n'th time, to grow my hair. I think so that it is a bit feminine and then perhaps I will feel more comfy in masculine clothes I like. I wish I had been born a male however don't believe this is the route I want to go down with medical adjustments. I use to think I was a boy, played wth my brother etc; then went phobic against anything that made me look male eg the material and zip of jeans folding in the crotch area. Then when people referred to me as male it pissed me off. Nowadays...I probably appear as a tomboy and I think that this is fine, to a degree, however inside I feel so torn, confused and uncertain of who I am. I've recently bought some nipple pads however when I tried them on I felt unsure. I have filled bras which I avoid wearing as much as possible partly due to the discomfort of a bra however also as it makes me feel fake, and I don't even know if I want breasts! I have recently plucked up the courage to talk to a GP who was kind and caring. Phew. He is referring me to a gender psychiatrist. Well...that's my ramblings. Thank you for reading it ???? First off welcome tanjarine. Second off, 'Tis easier for a female to be a tomboy than a male to be a sissygirl. Look. Flat chested? No problem. Milla Jovovich has smaller boobs than me and she was a freakin' supermodel and a beauty at that. I am happy with A cups because I don't have to wear a bra. I can actually hide them. Even being Bi the boobs on women aren't that important. Actually that is the least that I look for. They are boobs. Everyone has them. Even guys. Mine are not due to hormones but just popped during puberty but any bigger? No thanks. As for nipple pads. Use some good band aides. That's what I do because without a bra, my shirt rubbing on them keep them hard. Not really big nips but you can tell. They are definitely outies snd so damn sensitive. So yes. If I want to hide them I use the big square band aides. I have tried duct tape but holy shit. Only one time in my youth. That was worst than wearing a shirt with no T underneath. It took a week for them to go back to just sensitive instead of pain first and then ultra sensitive and then back to normal. Just be You. If you feel more comfortable dressed in masculine clothing with long hair them grow it out. Little steps. Then maybe do the masculine clothing thing and then cut your hair shorter and shorter until you are totally comfortable and confident. Believe me that takes a little bit of time and really small steps. We all go through it. Just stay in a comfort zone that you can live with and be confident in. Also push it in tiny increments and eventually you will find that special place that you can be you and confident of who you are. So Welcome and nice to meet you. Jamie
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Post by Trinity on Nov 17, 2015 12:21:11 GMT 8
I dont wear padded bras, which is challenging for a 36 a.b chest. I have a pair of cup enhancers but avoid them.
Not into fake. But it does bug me, but i have body gender dysphoria so of course.
I get real picky about it with clothes. Have my own style, feminine but not girly girl, except underneath. I dislike male jeans...
On forum we explore ourselves, find common ground, feel each others feelings. And we learn.
Its cool here. Have fun with it.
Trinity
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Post by Deleted on Nov 18, 2015 4:50:38 GMT 8
I dont wear padded bras, which is challenging for a 36 a.b chest. I have a pair of cup enhancers but avoid them. Not into fake. But it does bug me, but i have body gender dysphoria so of course. I get real picky about it with clothes. Have my own style, feminine but not girly girl, except underneath. I dislike male jeans... On forum we explore ourselves, find common ground, feel each others feelings. And we learn. Its cool here. Have fun with it. Trinity I would rather have perky small ones than D cups. Those D cups will eventually be influenced by gravity. The little A cups though will defy gravity and still be perky for a long time. But with me it's the damn nipples. They only stick out about a quarter of an inch but damn, they are sensitive and just wearing a shirt gives me two little points that stick out. It's hot where I live now and wearing tank and cutoffs and my nipples are stiffer than hell and I ain't even turned on. Just from my shirt. And shit, if I brush anything against them then BAMMM. NHO. Shit sometimes just to mess with people ( It is so amazing what people notice and what others don't) I will arch my back and walk down the street, in the stores or anywhere else and see how many people notice. I guess I really need to start wearing a bra though. It seems like people are looking at me more and more confused. Some look at me with disgust, others with a somewhat admiration, some like I am and abomination and some yet with something like attraction. I wear sunglasses most of the time even inside and watch people and pay attention when they look at me. One look is normal two looks then they are either astonished or surprised and three, especially with a more staring when they think that I'm not looking makes me think they are a little more interested than they should be with a transwoman or feminine looking guy. Hell I went on a errand today and a guy in front of me with way more stuff than I had let me go ahead of him. I thought it was just being nice but was taken aback when he asked for my number. But he was married and I saw the ring and told him that I am too old for the drama no matter how cute he was. He gave me his just in case I changed my mind later. But I won't. You know it's a bitch when nothing surprises you anymore.
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Post by Trinity on Nov 18, 2015 8:01:31 GMT 8
That confused look is common when i go out... So i look back. Which totally embarrasses them. Seriously, its probably good for them. Makes us real people instead of stereotypes.
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Post by Deleted on Dec 3, 2015 22:52:13 GMT 8
Thanks peeps. I'm still feeling like a can of worms has been opened after three decades of suppressing 'something'. I'm being referred to see a gender psychiatrist through the NHS (I'm in the UK) however may see someone privately if I can gather myself up. Hmmmm...sigh....think it may be easier just carrying on being a tomboy and leaving it there; however in my heart I'm scared, freaking out and feel upset and lost...yet on the other side of the coin I don't want to go down this route of complexities. I'm torn. My head needs sanity; my fears going down the path are great.
Thank you for reading/listening my waffle and head-emptying.
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Post by EchelonHunt on Dec 4, 2015 0:47:24 GMT 8
The easy route will be the most disappointing. It may be easier to be a tomboy but would you truly be happy identifying as such, if you could be so much more than that?
Life is never mean to be easy, it is filled with hardships and struggles that will make you stronger than before.
Fears are normal but don't let your fears hold you back. We are here for you and we've all been where you are now. You aren't alone in your journey.
Be who you are meant to be, allow yourself to embrace yourself as who you are. No more suppressing, unleash your inner you and be free.
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Post by Taka on Dec 4, 2015 1:29:40 GMT 8
it's not really a route of complexities. if it seems complex, it's because you haven't sorted it out for yourself yet.
changing appearance is just that. hrt is only getting more of some hormone(s) while perhaps also blocking something else.
cis women get hrt too, just not the cross sex type. more like an adjustment to something that is more natural to them. and some remove their breasts because of bad genes that make them more likely to develop breast cancer. some get a hysterectomy becuse of endometriosis.
it's not complex. it's changing to something that's better for you, like trying on a new shirt.
if it doesn't fit, there's no shame in changing your mind. you'll be welcome here anyway. we'll support you in becoming as you as you can be.
the ultimate goal is happiness, not a range of medical treatments. don't make it so complicated, just try what you want to try, and see if that's better. and take it easy. don't move faster than what you can manage to follow, noatter what your therapist says. safety first, the breaks are in your hands and you need not fear using them.
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Post by Deleted on Dec 4, 2015 1:55:15 GMT 8
I'm someone who is going through it right now as well and I can tell you that it is worth everything to discover who you truly are. Once you have begun walking on this road, don't turn back, it might be hard and confusing, but each step leads you to a better place. Something inside you wants to break free and although the process might be painful, let it happen - sometimes we just have to let go and see where life takes us. It certainly hasn't been easy, shedding all these things I held on to for many years, but I want to live a true life as myself, only then can I begin to feel real happiness at my core. When it comes to fear, the only thing I can say is that facing our fears is the only way to get rid of them. There are many here who knows what we are going through and generously offers their support. This is the right place to find yourself in. You are safe here. ... and yes, take it slow... no need to rush...
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Post by Trinity on Dec 4, 2015 10:27:20 GMT 8
Whats scary honey?
Been there...
Breathe, talk to us dear...
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Post by Deleted on Dec 5, 2015 3:23:45 GMT 8
Wow...thank you. T h a n k. Y o u everyone. This is so comforting. I had a big chat with my lesbian tomboy friend yday, )via typing as I'm unsure I can verbal talk about it yet, asides to my wife). She really helped me. She is happy with her body and I'm unsure if I am happy with my upper body, or not. I felt heaps better about just being freely who I feel I am without any labelling. The Doc knows that it may be a body image issue or may be a gender issue. I am uncertain.
Anyways...you peeps have been lovely. Just the tone and angle of gentleness I am needing. So when I write 'thank you'...this comes from somewhere deep inside.
What am I scared of? Probably all the things that you are aware of. However first I know that due to my physical disease, I really want to make my life easier and less alienating. Whilst chatting with my friend yday, I admitted that I judge myself so much, whether it's about being disabled or gay or non-binary...so of course I expect others to judge me. So I realise the logic in needing to get my head around my true feelings before I can possibly expect anyone else to get heir heads around me.
Maybe I'm just a gay woman who wants to wear what I wish and feel as liberal and diverse in m appearance and actions and mannerisms. Or may be I'm not!?! Yes...so too right there with the complexities I feel, indicating that I have not sorted out what I feel or think. Lol...jeese...who knows.
Of course we all want an easier life. I've had a heaps of medical challenges most of my life and I can honestly say that I feel saturated in it enough to avoid more.
This may sound really awful...and no offence is made in any shape or form...I don't want to be a freak. Well, not a freak for who I am...I'm happy being labelled a freak for my achievements etc. I'm scared of being an outcast. There you go! I was isolated most of my school life and it would tear me apart to go through those emotions again. I have lost soooo many friends through them alienating me due to my disease. So yes...this rambling is helping me to answer your very simple question - I'm scared of being lonely, isolating myself and complicating my life.
Now I feel rather emotional. Sorry. I wish I was able to talk to some of you...however I think my fears will deter me too.
God, I hope what I'm saying is okay to read and acceptable. I love people. I love networking. I have become isolated through my physical health...I just want to blend in blah blah blah.
I have been a tomboy all of my life (I'm in my forties). How slow can I go with my appearance? Lol.
Are my fears holding me back? Who knows? Is it gender confusion or body image confusion (I have a totally flat chest...totally...not even a AAA). If there was a big sand bank to stick my head in then this will [not] help...for a moment. I can deny it...whatever I am denying, who knows. God I sound sooooo undecided on myself. I hide it well out here in the world. I use to do amateur acting and studied drama too...one time I had the choice of being anyone and reference it to a pair of headphones...so I decided to be a character that was a bit of a dickhead DJ. A bloke. And it was fun acting this. However...that's the joy of acting.
Right...thank you peeps...I've really emptied here in whatever is flowing out of my delightful head. Jeese people turn to me for wisdom hahaha...not in this arena of course.
I've just ordered boxer shorts...again. Use to wear them, for about 1.5 decades then last year had a girly (from my point of view lol) stage so had girly underwear. I feel I need two wardrobes. Don't want that though. Will really prefer clarity.
Okay...going to stop typing, for fearing of pissing you all off - not that I think shallow thoughts of you all, more that I'm aware of taking up your time and possibly doing your heads in!!
So...T H A N K. Y O U. for being here xxx
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Post by Trinity on Dec 5, 2015 5:32:53 GMT 8
You arent pissing us off at all, far from it dear.
More later...
Trinity
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Post by Trinity on Dec 5, 2015 12:51:07 GMT 8
I need a keyboard...love the new avatar.
Lots to say on all that...all good.
We all had that freak thing. Thats a head trip, an illusion of the matrix. Truth is we are very special. Folks havent figured it out thats all.
Not kidding.
Lol i have all kinds of clothes and wear them...but not boxers.
Not wired that way.
Later... Enjoy
Trinity
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Post by Trinity on Dec 5, 2015 22:03:09 GMT 8
There is so much good stuff in that post of yours, enough to talk about for a really long while...i hope you stay with us here, and let us help.
We can...
More later darling. You are so embraced in here as you, no masks, no expectations, no controls. Sanctuary in the forest of your mind.
Rest in that dear. We are very protective and loving of our own here, you are part of us, wherever your path may lead.
Trinity
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