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Post by Deleted on Dec 7, 2015 0:39:04 GMT 8
Thank you Trinity.
I've had further thoughts...of course. I think that I know I've been androgynous for yonks, it wasn't until recently that I named and labelled it. May be appearance or maybe deeper. Maybe lesbian mannerisms and masc characteristics or maybe more. However I think that pigeon-holing myself is what has added weight to my shoulders. So generally I feel I wish to carry on being the person I am already.
I have however realised that it's likely I have body dysmorphia and this is my main daily grinding challenge that needs addressing professionally, as the last thirty years of self addressing has still yet to resolve my feelings. Another talk with my doc to get some CBT on this subject alone, is my next step...at the moment.
Then, after some professional assistance, perhaps I'll have a clearer view of who I feel I am...if I in fact *need* a clearer view at that point.
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Post by Trinity on Dec 7, 2015 3:55:16 GMT 8
Body dysphoria sucks, jayce and i have it bad, i can deal with the bottom better.
Teah the pros are needed, good ones.
Its crucial to be all of you, dont fight yourself. Let it play inside you, flow with it, feel it, dont label it, not male or female, just you.
Love and embrace you. Get the spiritual and mental support you need.
Become your truth.
More later
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Post by Taka on Dec 7, 2015 4:52:00 GMT 8
it can be hard to tell whether it's body dysmorphia or body dysphoria. i'm pretty sure i have chest dysphoria. but for the bottom, it may just as well be dysmorphia. or actually, it is to a large degree. it's just that i don't believe therapy is able to cure it, because i have issues with it too.
i've been ostracized for who i am rather than physical illness. it's terrible. your fears are well grounded.
in the end, it may be which fear is the worst that will decide what you choose in the end. i for my, fear being stuck as one gender for the rest of my life, much more than people's reactions. can i even call those friends, who won't take me as i am?
the ones who matter will be the ones who are left. the ones who are there for me when i need them.
fear is allowed on here though. don't be afraid of us, you can ramble a lot more here than on most transsexual forums. it's your life. we won't dictate it, but we'll be here when you need to express and sort out your thoughts.
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Post by Deleted on Dec 7, 2015 19:15:28 GMT 8
Thank you for your replies...as always, hugely valued and appreciated.
Yeah...I don't think any talk therapy can miraculously alter the physical state of concern (aka nightmare) however if it can help then this will be a good frigging start. Professional stuff is defo needed for me with this. Too much energy, time and emotions are poured into challenging comforts enabling me to go out and feel comfy. I just want my life back...however in a forward progressive way, of course!
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Post by Trinity on Dec 7, 2015 19:21:23 GMT 8
Sieze the moment dear...
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Post by Trinity on Dec 8, 2015 9:33:52 GMT 8
"This may sound really awful...and no offence is made in any shape or form...I don't want to be a freak. Well, not a freak for who I am...I'm happy being labelled a freak for my achievements etc. I'm scared of being an outcast. There you go! I was isolated most of my school life and it would tear me apart to go through those emotions again. I have lost soooo many friends through them alienating me due to my disease. So yes...this rambling is helping me to answer your very simple question - I'm scared of being lonely, isolating myself and complicating my life."--- Tangerine....
There are keys in this part.
I have lost friends by being trans. I have new friends now, friends that understand me as me. Not as someone they want to see, not as my mask. me. I'd rather have my new friends. It would have been nice to have my old ones too, but they lost it when they saw me as I am. Couldn't handle the matrix thing, they are too trapped in binary thinking.
At work I am being accepted as a 60's 70's child. This is cool with me, let them think I am a bohemian type artist. Just fine.
But we take risks when we open up. As to folks rejecting on a disability, frankly, shame on them.
Freaks. Nah. Different. Gender divergent. Cutting against the norms, being real. There is more art in that then you could write, the masses marching on to the beat of the gender drums, blindly, trampling over the innocents in the streets, listen to the drum, look only straight ahead, do not see the beauty of the real, only follow the beat of the blind gender drum...
We dance, they march.
Its understood though, wounds are hard to heal. Its in my treehouse blog, Ativan addressed it with me, my wounds, you can find stuff in that very long thread. Watch the triggers I had one hell of a time getting my head on...its been a rough ride for me, with unbelievable rewards.
Its all part of the process. And as Taka says, who you are is who you are. Life is more than gender, but gender is a big part of who we are. There is another thread you would benefit from, "theres your sex, theres your sexuality, theres your gender".
It unlocked doors for me, see if you can find it, post on it, its worth the look. Another one with much wisdom from our dear friend Ativan, their voice still echoes in the forest.
If I knew how to link it I would.
You are in a good place, its a great start for you, opening up. Huge healing benefits doing that. You can say anything on this forum, there is no problem with that. We only get riled up if someone goes after someone else, and that hasn't happened in a long time here.
Its a family. You're in it.
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Post by Deleted on Dec 8, 2015 21:17:31 GMT 8
So very touching...very. Thank you
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Post by Deleted on Dec 9, 2015 6:33:45 GMT 8
Wow...thank you. T h a n k. Y o u everyone. This is so comforting. I had a big chat with my lesbian tomboy friend yday, )via typing as I'm unsure I can verbal talk about it yet, asides to my wife). She really helped me. She is happy with her body and I'm unsure if I am happy with my upper body, or not. I felt heaps better about just being freely who I feel I am without any labelling. The Doc knows that it may be a body image issue or may be a gender issue. I am uncertain. Anyways...you peeps have been lovely. Just the tone and angle of gentleness I am needing. So when I write 'thank you'...this comes from somewhere deep inside. What am I scared of? Probably all the things that you are aware of. However first I know that due to my physical disease, I really want to make my life easier and less alienating. Whilst chatting with my friend yday, I admitted that I judge myself so much, whether it's about being disabled or gay or non-binary...so of course I expect others to judge me. So I realise the logic in needing to get my head around my true feelings before I can possibly expect anyone else to get heir heads around me. Maybe I'm just a gay woman who wants to wear what I wish and feel as liberal and diverse in m appearance and actions and mannerisms. Or may be I'm not!?! Yes...so too right there with the complexities I feel, indicating that I have not sorted out what I feel or think. Lol...jeese...who knows. Of course we all want an easier life. I've had a heaps of medical challenges most of my life and I can honestly say that I feel saturated in it enough to avoid more. This may sound really awful...and no offence is made in any shape or form...I don't want to be a freak. Well, not a freak for who I am...I'm happy being labelled a freak for my achievements etc. I'm scared of being an outcast. There you go! I was isolated most of my school life and it would tear me apart to go through those emotions again. I have lost soooo many friends through them alienating me due to my disease. So yes...this rambling is helping me to answer your very simple question - I'm scared of being lonely, isolating myself and complicating my life. Now I feel rather emotional. Sorry. I wish I was able to talk to some of you...however I think my fears will deter me too. God, I hope what I'm saying is okay to read and acceptable. I love people. I love networking. I have become isolated through my physical health...I just want to blend in blah blah blah. I have been a tomboy all of my life (I'm in my forties). How slow can I go with my appearance? Lol. Are my fears holding me back? Who knows? Is it gender confusion or body image confusion (I have a totally flat chest...totally...not even a AAA). If there was a big sand bank to stick my head in then this will [not] help...for a moment. I can deny it...whatever I am denying, who knows. God I sound sooooo undecided on myself. I hide it well out here in the world. I use to do amateur acting and studied drama too...one time I had the choice of being anyone and reference it to a pair of headphones...so I decided to be a character that was a bit of a dickhead DJ. A bloke. And it was fun acting this. However...that's the joy of acting. Right...thank you peeps...I've really emptied here in whatever is flowing out of my delightful head. Jeese people turn to me for wisdom hahaha...not in this arena of course. I've just ordered boxer shorts...again. Use to wear them, for about 1.5 decades then last year had a girly (from my point of view lol) stage so had girly underwear. I feel I need two wardrobes. Don't want that though. Will really prefer clarity. Okay...going to stop typing, for fearing of pissing you all off - not that I think shallow thoughts of you all, more that I'm aware of taking up your time and possibly doing your heads in!! So...T H A N K. Y O U. for being here xxx Take it from someone that is an outcast and really proud of it. Also a freak on many different levels and proud of that too. Some can't handle it though. They have to feel mainstream or at least think that they are mainstream. I am definately not mainstream and have desire to be "normal". I am more from the "Crazy Creek" area. But one word of advice? You have to define who you are and damn anyone else. I don't know who you are or what you are other than what you write here. Yeah it is confusing, gay, trans, bi or non binary? I think everyone feels some sort of variation of them all. Including cis. So girly undies huh? Two wardrobes? You feel you need two? Welcome to the world of nonbinary. Welcome to the ciircus and come on inside. Oh Dear, never worry about pissing me off. I don't get pissed. You are going through a type of self questioning and self discovery. I'm lucky enough to have figured it out at a young age. Some are older when they question what their true gender is. So, "If you're a Freak like me get on the bus." From the band Halestorm. Seems she has no problem being a freak. So you shouldn't worry too much about it either. You don;t have to be who you are to the rest of the world but you need to be true to yourself because it will eventually tear you up inside. OK so I am a woman with a penis. What is wrong with a man having a vagina? Or going back and forth being one or the other or both? Another word of advice? Never purge. I did it once and lost over 2000 dollars worth of clothes, shoes, lingere' and handbags. Never did it since because I realized that I would always come back. Box them up if you feel you need to purge and put the clothing out of sight. But there is absolutely nothing to be ashamed of. I am in my forties now too. I have two closets in my house. I am leaning more toward the female closet way more nowdays than the male closet. But Tangerine, a lot of fear is unfounded in a lot of instances. I got girly hair now and girly brows. Holy Shit. Even after 40 some odd years being exposed so much scared the shiot out of me and I have pushed the boundaries. I never heard shit from it. No snickers behind my back. No "WTF is that?" When I went to go buy alcohol for a jam session a woman told her husband that they should "go to her house" because I had so much alcohol. I turned around and told her in my finest Southern Belle voice, Thank you. They never said shit but, "Your Welcome and where do you live?" I told them they were invited as long as they like Sabbath and dark metal. Well they didn't like that kind of music but she still said I was pretty and her husband agreed. No makeup and even sort of frumpy. Oh shit, talk about freakin' self conscious? Yes with girly hair and brows with hoop earings and wearing anrogynous clothing or girly clothing? I will never get over it. But everyday is more and more comfortable. I doubt that I will ever be totally comfortable but it gets easier. This has been going on since I hit puberty. But screw it and screw those that want to judge me. Hel some of those that bitched the loudest always seemed to have a whisper in my ear and curious. So don't let fear hold you back. Just be you. Whether that is a lesbian, butch or lipstick, or Nonbinary MTF or andro or pansexual or anything else. But you know who you are and who you wanna' be. Don't let society define you. Society should not have that much power over your Psyche. Only you have that power. And you know. So stop second guessing and decide without anyone else's influence. Personally I don't care who or what you are as long as we can be friends. I dealt with this shit during puberty in a backassward place like Arkansas in the eighties. I'm still here. Oh I had quite a few that wanted to hurt me and had quite a few that would protect me and God Bless them. I guess what I'm actually saying is don't be afraid to face yourself. You are you and you can't be nothing more than who you are. Yeah it is scary sometimes. But if you need to hide it, no one should tell you to stand up in Jackson Square and scream, " I am Transgendered!" But if you are then be true to yourself and your lover. If not then that my dear, you have to decide. then your lover has to decide and you may lose them but there are a lot more that will take thier place. OK so I am sounding like a whore now. But I'm not. I choose True love whether it lasts a lifetime or a couple of years. Ad long as I and he fells the love then that is what matters at the time. Love lost is nothing new. But it seems you are bearing your soul to us. You need to, maybe. I could care less if your are a lesbian and decide that is who you are. If you are nonbinary FTM then that is cool too. If you are more binary FTM then that is cool too. You see where I'm goin' here? It is nice to meet Tangerine. Who you decide who you are is irellevent. We don;t care but please stick around though. OK so I bared my soul to you. Arkansas is not a bog trans hotspot. Even the LGBT community there don't really understand the expanse of transgenderism. Oh shit I had my share of Boyfriends but I don't think they really ever understood my Soul though. Damn I even had a Boyfriend that was a {entecostal Preacher's son. He was a real freak. Oh yeah. But just maybe you are Tangerine and maybe just maybe, you are an individual person. Maybe you are a unique human. I think so. I think we all are. I can;t live your life and you can't live mine and Trinity can't live either one of our lifes and Jayce is on thier own life. It is individual life experiences that make us who we are. We are all unique and special. We all have our own life esperiences that is different from everyone else's. All we can do is share our own life experience and hope it makes a difference in someone else's life.
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Post by Deleted on Dec 10, 2015 5:55:13 GMT 8
Jamie...Jamie...
Wow. Ermmmm...firstly thank you for such a long, deep, honest, open and warm reply. So many points hit deep parts of my mind, in such a caring helpful way. Some thought provoking information/ advice there. I shall be referring to your reply above for some time. Lots to reflect upon. I'm in the UK so Jackson Square means diddly-squat to me lol...however of course I get the message there x Thank you Jamie...for your time and opening up.
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Post by Deleted on Dec 10, 2015 7:12:32 GMT 8
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Post by Trinity on Dec 10, 2015 8:03:50 GMT 8
Jamie...Jamie... Wow. Ermmmm...firstly thank you for such a long, deep, honest, open and warm reply. So many points hit deep parts of my mind, in such a caring helpful way. Some thought provoking information/ advice there. I shall be referring to your reply above for some time. Lots to reflect upon. I'm in the UK so Jackson Square means diddly-squat to me lol...however of course I get the message there x Thank you Jamie...for your time and opening up. Jamie opens up a lot... Oops
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Post by Deleted on Dec 15, 2015 0:10:04 GMT 8
No comment...lol.
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Post by Deleted on Dec 27, 2015 3:10:50 GMT 8
Hey peeps!
I'm on the road to having some professional assistance in my confusion.
I want to wish you all such a warming and harmonious season...okay, so I missed saying Happy Christmas so I'm covering that up by saying, season!
Have a great one xx
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Post by Trinity on Dec 27, 2015 3:24:43 GMT 8
Hey peeps! I'm on the road to having some professional assistance in my confusion. I want to wish you all such a warming and harmonious season...okay, so I missed saying Happy Christmas so I'm covering that up by saying, season! Have a great one xx Delightful to hear from you dear. I was thinking of you by the way, and its never too late, so Happy Christmas!!! You are always so nice here, so thoughtful. Sounds great you are getting the help too! Let us know how that's going. Helps folks, shared experience. I'll be talking gender again in my next therapy session, my shrink threw a curveball at me, and I am trying to understand what that means to me too. Therapy has been huge for me... but I think my new shrink is going to be better for me than the old one. I already like their attitude better. They were pretty clear about hormone therapy for a nonbinary.. maintaining the levels. Excited for you dear! Very much so. Trinity
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Post by Deleted on Jan 3, 2016 0:33:25 GMT 8
Hey hey heyyyyy...
No idea what I'm about to write here, so enjoy my ramblings.
Sigh...winter is a doable season for me to hide myself under many layers of clothing. Although, having MS means I have to avoid overheating so it's a crappy balancing act. My MS has to take priority to avoid colossal after effects however I have to sacrifice my self preservation when I get too warm. Summer is a whole different hurdle and one that I struggle with. That's putting it mildly! Lol.
I recently had a pre-appointment (phone call) for my cbt...and painfully had to talk about the issues. Or some of them. The less the best, however they needed an idea of the issues in order to process me for cbt. I'm also seeing some kind of doctor next month...unsure if that's for dysmorphia or dyphoria, however it's an assessment.
Shit, is this public on here? I've just realised it may be...god, I hope not. Omg. Deep breath.
You go through so so much suppressed and hidden mental and emotional pain...just to cope with the chaos in the mind and with the body. I've absolutely no idea where this aspect of my life is heading...no idea at all. However I do know that the challenges have gotten larger and it has become more and more of a nightmare.
I've just remembered, during my meditation this morning that I was thinking about this 'stuff' whilst trying allow my mind to empty. I thought it may help to look at photos of when I was a bit younger. To see if I was as bothered about my looks, as I am nowadays. Then again it may shock me to see that a photo depicts me coping. I have memory loss, due to my MS, so my younger years feels disconnected to me. Some advantages to that!!
If I don't do anything physical to change my body then how can my mind alter it? I know cbt etc can help me accept me and help me to work with my body as it is. However what gets me is that it won't change the prominent nipples or small breasts which don't belong to women or guys (within the general images). I do not want surgery...due to the turmoil my health has gone through due to unnecessary operations due to undetected MS, when I was younger.
Ffs...that's what I want to say. I just wonder if I was alone on an island, what will I feel like wearing; what will/ how will I feel toward myself...grrrrr...head mess.
This feels ever so self indulgent to go on about myself when all of you have and still are going through challenges. I know that you will say that it's okay to empty here...that's what it is for etc. And I thank you enormously for this. However...it still feels very greedy and self indulgent. Thank you reading my emptying.
I wonder if anything I say helps anyone else!?? I hope so however probably more of a 'nod' than a 'helpful enlightenment' read.
Happy New Year!!
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