Malachite
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Post by Malachite on Feb 9, 2015 1:13:24 GMT 8
I am non-transitioning because I don't have the funds to make it happen. I cannot afford continuous hormones and doctor visits for that. I am getting top surgery, but that is going to wipe away nearly my entire life savings. If I could get in a better position financially with an access of resources that I need (because I'm lacking the proper resources as well), then I would probably be able to do a full transition.
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Post by Deleted on Feb 9, 2015 1:33:43 GMT 8
I am non-transitioning because I don't have the funds to make it happen. I cannot afford continuous hormones and doctor visits for that. I am getting top surgery, but that is going to wipe away nearly my entire life savings. If I could get in a better position financially with an access of resources that I need (because I'm lacking the proper resources as well), then I would probably be able to do a full transition. As we have seen in many past commentaries you are definitely not alone Malachite. For some it is so far out of reach that they despair and become morbidly depressed, others simply modify their plans and keep it simpler because as we all know, gender ID is much more mental and spiritual than it is physical.
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Malachite
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Post by Malachite on Feb 9, 2015 2:52:11 GMT 8
I am non-transitioning because I don't have the funds to make it happen. I cannot afford continuous hormones and doctor visits for that. I am getting top surgery, but that is going to wipe away nearly my entire life savings. If I could get in a better position financially with an access of resources that I need (because I'm lacking the proper resources as well), then I would probably be able to do a full transition. As we have seen in many past commentaries you are definitely not alone Malachite. For some it is so far out of reach that they despair and become morbidly depressed, others simply modify their plans and keep it simpler because as we all know, gender ID is much more mental and spiritual than it is physical. Isn't that the truth? For me, I think I fall somewhere between those two parameters: feeling depressed that I cannot express myself in my true gender like I want to right now, while trying to modify my plans and goals so that I can at least feel light I am slowly blossoming into a young man. It is indeed a rather complex experience.
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Post by Taka on Feb 15, 2015 4:57:19 GMT 8
i really hope you find good ways of living with the body you have. i'm currently doing what i can to get a better job and a house. maybe i'll do the weird thing and get top surgery without anything else. i've no intention of living as a man, so it's easier for me to manage without physical transition. but i also have no intention of living as a woman, so i'm taking a break from choir until i can figure out how to deal with it being a purely female choir.
i'll just have to get my own house first... i think that's what's holding me back the most. i have to get my mother out of my life.
and then there's this interesting woman i want to have a talk with before i get serious about hrt. i feel like she can help me sort out some personal worries, or answer some odd questions.
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Post by Deleted on Feb 15, 2015 6:49:11 GMT 8
I am only non-op because a) I haven't been full-time for a year, and b) I can't afford it yet, and I'm afraid I may never be able to. I do know that if luck comes my way financially in the next few years that I will get SRS. I have no mental or emotional attachments to the bits-and-pieces. I'm sure it will feel a little strange without it, but in a good way. My only concern is having to dilate all the time. I have no sexual attractions to men, therefore no interest in penetration; so what would be the point in maintaining depth/width? Maybe I should go with the "cosmetic" one. Thoughts?
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Post by Deleted on Feb 15, 2015 6:57:13 GMT 8
I am only non-op because a) I haven't been full-time for a year, and b) I can't afford it yet, and I'm afraid I may never be able to. I do know that if luck comes my way financially in the next few years that I will get SRS. I have no mental or emotional attachments to the bits-and-pieces. I'm sure it will feel a little strange without it, but in a good way. My only concern is having to dilate all the time. I have no sexual attractions to men, therefore no interest in penetration; so what would be the point in maintaining depth/width? Maybe I should go with the "cosmetic" one. Thoughts? If you don't go with SRS but opt for something like an orchiectomy as I did and then spend several years on HRT it really doesn't matter what you have down below because it atrophies to where SRS becomes rather a moot point unless you're hung like a stallion to begin with.
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Post by Deleted on Feb 15, 2015 7:01:34 GMT 8
I am only non-op because a) I haven't been full-time for a year, and b) I can't afford it yet, and I'm afraid I may never be able to. I do know that if luck comes my way financially in the next few years that I will get SRS. I have no mental or emotional attachments to the bits-and-pieces. I'm sure it will feel a little strange without it, but in a good way. My only concern is having to dilate all the time. I have no sexual attractions to men, therefore no interest in penetration; so what would be the point in maintaining depth/width? Maybe I should go with the "cosmetic" one. Thoughts? If you don't go with SRS but opt for something like an orchiectomy as I did and then spend several years on HRT it really doesn't matter what you have down below because it atrophies to where SRS becomes rather a moot point unless you're hung like a stallion to begin with. Well, I would like to have something realistic there, and an orchiectomy doesn't do that. So, the cosmetic vaginoplasty is probably the best option. There may not be an opening, but they do ensure sensitivity. I don't know... I have plenty of time to think about it.
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Post by Taka on Feb 15, 2015 7:50:54 GMT 8
of you only want a cosmetic outer vaginoplasty, then it shouldn't matter much if you have an orchiectomy done first? so if you decide against a hole, you could try the orchiectomy, just to be rid of the t excess, and then do the rest when it's more affordable. when you decide that hrt is the right thing for you. i think people who can should try that out for a while before getting rid of gonads.
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Post by Deleted on Feb 15, 2015 10:34:19 GMT 8
of you only want a cosmetic outer vaginoplasty, then it shouldn't matter much if you have an orchiectomy done first? so if you decide against a hole, you could try the orchiectomy, just to be rid of the t excess, and then do the rest when it's more affordable. when you decide that hrt is the right thing for you. i think people who can should try that out for a while before getting rid of gonads. And orchiectomy is essential to get rid of testosterone and never have to deal with anti androgens again, it's surgical castration and for all intents it leaves one in the same situation as any post-op trans woman but without a vagina which is a non-essential anyway unless you intend to have a sexual relationship with a man at some future date.
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Post by Deleted on Feb 16, 2015 3:09:28 GMT 8
Sorry for coming in on this question so late, but I'm new on this forum and trying to catch up on some things.
This question of not transitioning is a crucial one for me, one I'm continually hesitating over. I'm out full-time for two years now, and it's been a very happy time of my life. Still haven't done electrolysis, HRT or SRS. I'd love to do electrolysis but simply don't have the money for it. As for HRT and SRS, I'm still hesitating.
I keep telling myself that perhaps they're not necessary. I'm happy enough. Maybe this is as good as it gets. It's a risk. Who's to say how much happier I'll be if I do them. It's also true that I'm somewhat spoiled. All my life I've been blessed with good health, never needed any ongoing medication or any surgery. And so in a way the thought of starting stuff like that at my age is somewhat frightening.
But finally I have to question my honesty here. Am I simply putting these questions off because I don't want to face them? I know I battled with shame for a lot of years. Maybe it's a battle that even at this stage I haven't quite won. Maybe I'm reluctant to go forward because I've still got some residual shame in me, I'm still reluctant to fully face up to what I am.
I've decided that there's no point in agonizing over these questions. I think it better to live my life day by day. As I said, I'm happy enough now. If these questions become truly pressing, I'll take them on when the time is right. There may very well be a reason for your hesitation Foxglove. It may be something in your subconscious that you aren't even fully aware of. Sometimes intuition is really strong and sometimes its far better to head what your intuition is telling you. The second part I emboldened, maybe that is what you need to do to ease the hesitation you're feeling. Everyone has different ideals of transitioning. Personally I don't want SRS. Other's do and still yet other need it for the dysphoria. It's not a one size fits all type of deal. Whatever you need to be comfortable and happy with yourself is what you should do. From mental transitioning only to full blown SRS. It is an individual thing, What is right for one person may not be right for another. What's right for you is for you only and no one else. We are all different. the number one thing is being happy with yourself and comfortable with your own body and then you can be comfortable with your mind.
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Post by Deleted on Feb 16, 2015 3:22:45 GMT 8
Thanks for the reassurance, Jamie. Another reason I hesitate is that I don't want to know anything about one thing you mentioned--my subconscious. It has a sign over the gate: Abandon hope, all ye who enter here.
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Post by Deleted on Feb 16, 2015 5:11:54 GMT 8
This question of not transitioning is a crucial one for me, one I'm continually hesitating over. I'm out full-time for two years now, and it's been a very happy time of my life. Still haven't done electrolysis, HRT or SRS. I'd love to do electrolysis but simply don't have the money for it. As for HRT and SRS, I'm still hesitating. I keep telling myself that perhaps they're not necessary. I'm happy enough. Maybe this is as good as it gets. It's a risk. Who's to say how much happier I'll be if I do them. It's also true that I'm somewhat spoiled. All my life I've been blessed with good health, never needed any ongoing medication or any surgery. And so in a way the thought of starting stuff like that at my age is somewhat frightening. But finally I have to question my honesty here. Am I simply putting these questions off because I don't want to face them? I know I battled with shame for a lot of years. Maybe it's a battle that even at this stage I haven't quite won. Maybe I'm reluctant to go forward because I've still got some residual shame in me, I'm still reluctant to fully face up to what I am. I think it's reasonably safe to at least try HRT for a month or two and see how you feel. It sort of serves as its own diagnostic tool. I'm on my third month, and I can't imagine stopping. It's made me feel so much better. My anxiety has reduced tremendously, and I'm far less moody and agitated. Kids would often drive me insane with the constant loud chatter and high energy. I spent some time last week hanging out with my friend Alicia and her little one, Jonathan (who will be 4 in March), was very loud and yappy each time we went somewhere. It didn't bother me at all. In fact, I found it cute! That's not like me!
By the way, Jonathan has been showing some interest in girly things. Maybe it's just a mimicking of his sister, Sophie (she's almost 11), but it is a curious situation. Alicia and I have always been like sisters, and we've known each other since we were 12, so if Jonathan happens to figure out that he isn't a he at all I will be there to help.
I feel this is part of my mission in life; the helping of others. Not just in spiritual or general life matters, but helping our trans youth get through their transitions so they don't end up like Leelah Alcorn.
I met my friend Meredith online a few years ago having no idea that she would become a life coach for the LGBT community. She and her parents started Overcoming Coming Out, an organisation and community for LGBT youth and their parents. I will be joining them soon after they provide my coach training.
Anyway, who's to say you won't be happier by at least starting small? I had to try HRT, because it just made sense to me. I felt like testosterone (which was initially at 568 ng/dL and 7.8 pg/mL) was a poison to my brain. Facing who I am is still an ongoing thing, too, but I know that if I ever stop HRT and recant my transition I will just end up back in that unstable state of being.
I can't begin to know your story or struggles since we're all very different, but I can assure you that there's nothing to be ashamed of. It's just a scary process, and it takes a lot of strength. If you're not ready to take the first medical step, that's perfectly okay; but taking it is perfectly okay, too. Besides, a month or two won't leave you with any permanent changes. I think it's worth it.
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Post by Deleted on Feb 16, 2015 5:29:14 GMT 8
Thanks for the reassurance, Jamie. Another reason I hesitate is that I don't want to know anything about one thing you mentioned--my subconscious. It has a sign over the gate: Abandon hope, all ye who enter here.Dante's Inferno. The Gate to Hell. But not necessarily though. Sometimes we have to face it. Sometimes we have to fight our monsters. Sometimes things aren't always what they seem. But... You will know when and or if the time is ever right. You can't ever push it. You do and you aren't ready then it will be another whole different set of problems. Just trust your feelings. Trust that intuition. OK so this is just my opinion and mine alone and in no way am I saying anything about anyone else but, transition should start in the mind first and be fully embraced there and then the physical stuff should be a lot easier. Unless you are freak like me of course where things seem truly mismatched. But I am kind of lucky and cursed at the same time. I dealt with it and learned all the stuff early on. I don't really care who or what I am as long as I am true to myself and can be true to others. They like me or not, they accept me or not, what ever. But the thing is though, It's all about you and no one else. Others will come and go. Some will want to be your friend and others not. Some will want to be your lover and others not. But it's all about you.
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Post by Deleted on Feb 16, 2015 6:14:10 GMT 8
But finally I have to question my honesty here. Am I simply putting these questions off because I don't want to face them? I know I battled with shame for a lot of years. Maybe it's a battle that even at this stage I haven't quite won. Maybe I'm reluctant to go forward because I've still got some residual shame in me, I'm still reluctant to fully face up to what I am.
Here's an article for you written by one of the founders of Overcoming Coming Out:
"As human beings we all have things we hold onto as our deepest, darkest secrets and would be absolutely mortified for anyone else to know. Those secrets are things about us that if they were written on our tombstones, we would die all over again just knowing that others know what we didn’t want known.
For some people sexual orientation is only one of many skeletons that are hidden in the closet. There is the closeted LGBTQ who denies having any skeletons to reveal. There is the cisgender partner who is relegated as the Key Master and wields the power to open Pandora’s Box wherein the evidence of discovery lies. Either way it is a very frightening moment to resurrect old bones and bring them into the light of day. We beg the Powers-That-Be that we are never exposed against our say."
The Skeleton Of Shame
And everyone at OCO (Tom, Lynn and Meredith) discuss the issue of shame in a podcast which you can find here in the Audio section: www.overcomingout.com/oco-resources
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callalily
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Post by callalily on Jun 20, 2015 5:31:51 GMT 8
I'm non-transitioning because I can't see any steps I could make toward transition actually helping my body dysphoria. Masculinizing my body would actually make my dysphoria worse, just in a different direction (as I don't like my "feminine" characteristics, but I certainly don't want them to be masculine instead!). The only thing I could maybe be okay with is top surgery and even then, I don't mind my chest most of the time and when I do, I'm fine with a binder. Plus, I can't afford anything anyway. So I just live with it and find different ways to deal with my dysphoria when it happens.
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