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Post by Deleted on Dec 17, 2014 16:29:27 GMT 8
Hi Everyone. Sorry for the delay in replying, work has been a bit busy. Thank you all very much for your support. I will lean on you when I need help! XXX
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Post by Annys on Dec 18, 2014 12:52:36 GMT 8
Non-transition is a good question, I think. I haven't found an answer to it, except that I really don't WANT to transition. I don't want it to be necessary. I don't want to endure years of effort to be me.
A few kind of sort of accept me as I am right now, I'm hoping that's enough to ease all the mental anguish. At least a bit.
I really wish I knew another way to deal with my dysphoria.
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Post by Ayla on Dec 18, 2014 14:22:17 GMT 8
Mina
I don't think that we can avoid change. Whether that necessarily involves a full or partial physical transition is hard to predict. Once you give yourself permission to find and to become yourself then you are on your way to being authentic. Some folk don't take hormones, some take a very low dose and some start low and then increase them to facilitate a physical transition. It doesn't always seem to be driven by gender identity. In some cases folk just wish to have the body of their non birth sex (physical dysphoria) and, having achieved this, then express themselves as, and then choose to identify as, non binary.
I think that there is a lot of non surgical and non medical scope to relax your gender presentation and to flex the interpretation of your gender role. I am really enjoying longer hair, tinted toner, dyed (brown) eyebrows and lashes, shaped (andro) brows, no more beard and very little body hair. Now the low dose is also causing some fat redisposition, better skin, hair and minor breast growth but all these are a bonus. The only thing which I couldn't get without hrt was removal of the ever present and generally crippling dysphoria, and the emotional richness that I now have.
Dysphoria was starting to occupy my every waking thought and it was crippling. Now it is all gone and I could not be happier. However I sometimes wonder where I would have been if I had had a more relaxed view of my gender role as a male and not tried to deal with my dysphoria by presenting as the binary alpha male that I am not, or indeed ever have been! Gender is such a limiting concept.
Safe travels
Aisla
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Post by Annys on Dec 18, 2014 15:32:02 GMT 8
Yeah, I suppose it might boil down to permission. It's hard to give myself permission, because I feel like there should be a choice. I desperately want there to be a choice. I wish I could just say "no". But I can't.
Even in acceptance, choices seem limited. I don't want to endure the trials ahead, those necessary to actually EXPRESS that acceptance. I don't think I'm strong enough to.
I wish there was another choice.
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Post by Ayla on Dec 18, 2014 16:49:31 GMT 8
There is always the choice to wait, to defer, to deny and to wait until the time comes when you accept that this is the best course for you. This may never happen but it may. Mine hit me hard and repeatedly in my early 50's I have had a great life and it is getting better so I am not complaining ...
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Post by Ayla on Dec 18, 2014 16:50:23 GMT 8
Mina
Love your avatar - it really says a lot. Very powerful.
Safe travels
Aisla
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Post by Deleted on Dec 18, 2014 20:25:12 GMT 8
Mina, I think you probably do have the strength... we can help with that, you know how many times they have carried me in here. and the pain levels too probably.
At some point choice becomes mitigation of dyphoric pain and choice is not exactly choice anymore. But there are many ways to deal with that, many tools, certainly tools I have and use, I share some of that with Jayce. The eyes, the core, component validation in the mirror, in the heart. All things that help.
Just know we will carry you and anyone else for that matter through the process or lack of process.
Question for Shantel-
What are the negs involved with SRS? May help me, hope it doesn't scare the hell out of Patty and Julie.
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Post by Deleted on Dec 19, 2014 4:21:06 GMT 8
Non-transition is a good question, I think. I haven't found an answer to it, except that I really don't WANT to transition. I don't want it to be necessary. I don't want to endure years of effort to be me. A few kind of sort of accept me as I am right now, I'm hoping that's enough to ease all the mental anguish. At least a bit. I really wish I knew another way to deal with my dysphoria. Life is full of choices Mina. Those choices are totally up to you. You can choose to hide it but beware because it will still be there. You can choose to do more to make yourself feel more comfortable in your own skin and again beware because it may lead to wanting to go farther. Dealing with dysphoria is a really personal thing. What works for one may not work for all. For me all the female rituals are enough and HRT is never out of the question. SRS for me is though. Right now. Ten years from now though who knows? I don't. Like I said, I really don't know but I find comfort that the option is there. That option kind of eases the dysphoria because that gives me a choice to make. What choice I will eventually make, I don't know.
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Post by Annys on Dec 19, 2014 10:15:00 GMT 8
Yeah, I was in a pretty dark place last night, and probably not thinking very clearly. I appreciate the responses.
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Post by Leena on Dec 19, 2014 13:45:39 GMT 8
I'm not transitioning for a number of reasons some of them might not be good reasons, really. I have issues with the having to get approval from a shrink thing, and lots of issues with shrinks in general over unrelated things. I also have a strange desire to find a natural solution to this problem, I sometimes feel like I found it and am at peace with my situation, though that feeling doesn't last forever. Also, I really am genderfluid, I sometimes do feel like I'm a guy, and I don't know that testosterone, or lack of it, really plays that much of a role. Many of my gender flips seem to be from dreams of my past, when I was in denial mode and happy…Even if I did fully transition, possibly even including SRS, would those dreams stop, or would they still happen and be even more disconcerting?
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Post by Annys on Dec 19, 2014 16:05:02 GMT 8
I don't think there's anything strange about that desire at all, Veronica. I share a lot of your concerns.
All of this is way too complex for any one post, I think. There is extreme danger on both forks of this crossroads, transition or not. And it seems there are NO easy answers.
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Post by Deleted on Dec 19, 2014 17:56:33 GMT 8
Easy no. But fulfilling...Oh my.
It's worth the self searching and the process. Avoiding self deception is sooo important.
Many ways, but denial is not a great one. It seems everyone here has started on the path of their personal gender truth. Those paths are unique, some scary, some at the end glorious. Dance your paths and seek the wise...
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Post by Deleted on Dec 22, 2014 15:33:38 GMT 8
I was told this was a nice forum, no hard people, no judgement. Star was right!
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Post by Deleted on Dec 30, 2014 8:21:43 GMT 8
Well I guess I can at least answer this kind of question as my first official posting here. Why I'm not is pure and simple. Too expensive for starters. I can't have children as a man and obviously even with current technology I can't as a woman. It's just something I honestly wouldn't feel satisfied with so I might as well just keep myself in as good a single piece as I can without going under anymore knives. I got plenty of that down the road just as a person who did lots of crazy things in life haha.
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Post by Deleted on Jan 19, 2015 3:43:06 GMT 8
Sorry for coming in on this question so late, but I'm new on this forum and trying to catch up on some things.
This question of not transitioning is a crucial one for me, one I'm continually hesitating over. I'm out full-time for two years now, and it's been a very happy time of my life. Still haven't done electrolysis, HRT or SRS. I'd love to do electrolysis but simply don't have the money for it. As for HRT and SRS, I'm still hesitating.
I keep telling myself that perhaps they're not necessary. I'm happy enough. Maybe this is as good as it gets. It's a risk. Who's to say how much happier I'll be if I do them. It's also true that I'm somewhat spoiled. All my life I've been blessed with good health, never needed any ongoing medication or any surgery. And so in a way the thought of starting stuff like that at my age is somewhat frightening.
But finally I have to question my honesty here. Am I simply putting these questions off because I don't want to face them? I know I battled with shame for a lot of years. Maybe it's a battle that even at this stage I haven't quite won. Maybe I'm reluctant to go forward because I've still got some residual shame in me, I'm still reluctant to fully face up to what I am.
I've decided that there's no point in agonizing over these questions. I think it better to live my life day by day. As I said, I'm happy enough now. If these questions become truly pressing, I'll take them on when the time is right.
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