Adult Children - Insights Welcome

[Ayla]

I have an adult son and an adult daughter, who are both in their early 20's.  They mean the world to me so I was very concerned as to how they would react when I came out as trans.  

My son is a very laid back character.  I need not have worried.  It turned out that there were no issues. He just wanted to know whether I was OK and followed up later with a hug.  Enough said.

My daughter reacted very differently.  She has worked with trans inmates and patients.  She knows, from her own experience, the importance of getting hormones at the right levels - she has PCOS.  Since coming out to her, she avoids the topic whenever it comes up, and she has rejected offers to discuss this, share information, speak to a counsellor etc.  Anyway, this weekend it came to a head, and like most communication with her generation, it was text based.  It had really kicked off the previous weekend when I severed ties with her on FB (to 'avoid embarrassing her' or causing her discomfort) because she had threatened this when she said that she didn't want me posting anything about trans issues on my FB (I hadn't, but I had linked a 3 year old article on Jenner praising them for their parenting, life success etc with no mention of their trans identity).  This speaks to my refusal to be inauthentic or to be censored.  It was probably a little childish in retrospect ('tit for tat').

After a week of more than a little angst over my action, I realised after the event, that I had been obliquely invited for breakfast with her and my wife/her mother.  I texted an apology for not joining them for breakfast, and added that

"anyway I would like a little space for a while as you are clearly uncomfortable with who I am, and it may take some time for us to be more accepting of each other."  

Her response "This really hurts my feelings.  I thought we'd made some progress.  I obviously wasn't very good with how I worded what I said. It wasn't an attack on you.  The article you posted upset me because of all the media hype.  I'm sorry you felt that way. Speak to you whenever you're comfortable."

My response. " Thank you for your text.  It meant a lot to me.  Being trans doesn't define me but I am trans and non binary .  I can't pretend otherwise.  In time I hope that you accept me for who I am.  I know that you are uncomfortable.  I try to understand this and I try to avoid embarrassing you, but it hurts nonetheless.  On my side, I love you and accept you completely, so am glad that we are good"

Her response.  "Good to hear, you can't help who you are!  I'm sorry that I hurt your feelings that's the last thing that I want.  It tears me up that I did."

My response.  "I love you.  I couldn't be angry with you if I tried."

We are catching up in person, next weekend.  Communication is important and I find far too often that I could have done a better job.  Do you have similar stories of unnecessary angst, miscommunication, reconnecting when, looking back, it could have been handled so much better.  Was the journey necessary or could it have been avoided, did it just take time, or did it require a particular event or one of you to take the initiative to move things forward and restore relationship?

Safe travels

Aisla

[Ayla]

Mark

Many thanks for your kind comments. Sometimes we, as parents, are our own harshest critics. Hindsight is always 20/20 and I am determined to get better at this. I don't think you ever stop parenting and never stop trying to do your best for your kids, even the adult variety!

Looking forward to next weekend. It is funny isn't it, in that you sometimes you just want to share and to talk about issues and seek understanding and validation, but you can't demand it, it will happen only when they are ready and open to it.

Safe travels

Aisla

[Deleted]

Gonna comment later dear friend...

[Deleted]

may have some typos here phone is on voice conversion

every person in the family for me needs a different approach.some are Moore trans accepting of me as a parent, more specifically father , then other ones.

for each person it was necessary under the shrinks guidance to figure out the ques for where there specific boundaries really are.not what they say they are but which they actually are.

there was a big fight in the beginning where's my eldest daughter over my fingernails.

well this has now progressed to acceptance of their nails but not being able to handle me wearing shorts or god forbid she walking in on me in my sleeping clothes which are rather, well girl.. even fuzzy struggles with that.

bottom line is listening to them, reading their emotional subtext, finding ways to make them comfortable as they reset their own understanding of who their father now is as opposed to who's they saw that we were when they were growing up.

it's a huge adjustment for both the children and for our wives.

none of them like me talking about it very much.

we don't watch shows we don't watch the news when it's about trans.

they do not want to hear it.but they do want to be with me.

I think it is because it is an emotional acceptance and not a rational one or a logical one.

it's the shifting have an entire paradigm and relational base while still learning that Dad remains dad and hubby is still hubby.

that's a huge nut to swallow for anyone.

time and communication but mostly FaceTime is really the most effective for me as well as continuing to do the things we did before transitioning.

that continuity is a help To them.

enjoy your dinner Aisla, and the joy of retaining your family during one of those are heaviest things a family can go through.

they lose a dad and find a dad and it's the same dad they always loved.

but they need to process that internally themselves and I think that is a process especially if they feal betrayal or dishonesty or deception has been involved.

those are relational killers. gentleness continuity and reassurance have been the tools I use and perhaps that will help you as well.

in the meantime I have so strongly transitioned but by taking it according to their comfort levels instead of my dysphoria levels a great deal has been preserved.

that worked for me.all of us are different.

hopefully there is something there that is useful to you.
blessings my dear

TSJ

[Ayla]

TSJ

Appreciate your thoughts I think that you are right when you say communication is a process which needs to be tailored to each family member. Also that they don't want to hear this 'news', but they do still want Dad. No deception was ever involved but their understandings have proven to be false and this is unsettling, perhaps world changing.

I think that some assume the worst, others are more relaxed. Some think of themself, others the family and if you are lucky they think of you. Over time I suspect if you are still there for them and respect your relationship that they will realise you have not really changed, still care for them, care for the family and life will still go on. Then they will be open to understanding, supporting and open to a new and more authentic relationship with you. Timing is unclear but missteps occur, action, good communication and goodwill are everything.

Time will tell. Families can be tricky, even without the trans experience being overlaid or imposed on us. It is one step at a time, stopping, testing, smiling, loving and celebrating.

Safe travels

Auslan

[Sisyphus]

I feel lucky that my children are not adults yet. There was a little discomfort when they tried to wrap their minds about the different structure compared to the binary, but otherwise are very very good to me and have adjusted well. Adults who are not children yet, sibling/parent tiers not so hot. And I haven't *really* come out in as much its something I talk about to my kids in ear shot, and I try to help transition people to acceptance and good treatment of my non-binary nibling. But they all seem to be really struggling with it.

[Ayla]

Quick update - had breakfast with my daughter on the weekend. Completely different person to the person she had once been. Open, engaged and said that she was now in a 'better place' and much better able to 'deal with this' as she was no longer as bothered or destabilised by this.

Could be that she just needed time; I just needed me to express my hurt and disappointment; and/or we just needed to focus on how important our relationship was and the rest followed. Either way, feeling so much better.

Thank you for your support

Safe travels

Aisla