Gendering Strangers (And Why Doing So Is Ridiculous)

[Deleted]

A little rant that I wrote that I'm quite proud of:

[Ativan Prescribed]

If you encounter someone and don't know their gender, follow this set of rules:
#1 Don't worry about it.

[Deleted]

Apr 21, 2015 22:12:40 GMT 8 Ativan Prescribed said:

If you encounter someone and don't know their gender, follow this set of rules:
#1 Don't worry about it.

Let me add #2 It's no one else's business anyway.

[Deleted]

Not gendering strangers... I'm not sure I understand how that's at all possible. If we're talking about respecting peoples' identities then I'm all for it, but to do that, I first have to know them well enough to know what their identity is in the first place, thus making them no longer a stranger. If I'm being asked to not associate a gender with someone until I have explicit confirmation that they identify with the gender they appear to be then that simply is not possible in any realistic context.

[bhhfmm]

Its kind of natural to just make a mental note of someone's gender as they seem to present themselves, at least it is for me. But I still don't really address them any differently due to that. I tend to not use ma'am, sir or anything, as I know a lot of people don't much care for it. Now if I can't make a mental note of what gender someone seems to be, it not going to bother me and I don't put any real thought into it, heck for all I know, that's just what they could be going for and I'm not going to bring any sort of attention to it, just treat them as I would anyone else.

[Ativan Prescribed]

Pikachu, is there a situation that you have to know someones gender? Like it makes a difference in say a work environment?
Otherwise, it isn't that hard to just stop making a persons gender a priority.
Kinda like the pronoun thing. I have cis friends who are using 'they' more of the time.
I ask them the same thing, is it really necessary to know a persons gender?
Can't they just be a person and leave gender as a lower priority kind of thing.
It makes sense to them in their cis view, that people should be treated equally and not by their gender.
If you do have to address them in reference to their gender, if it isn't obvious, then ask.
Most people who are presenting in a very binary way are most likely going to be who they seem to be.
It isn't fool proof, but it does make a lot more sense to just leave gender on the back burner whenever you can.

[Kira]

Its natural to want or need to know someone's gender. Its instinctive. When we lived in stone-ages an approaching woman was very different from an approaching man. Its the same instinct that makes people fear difference, that lead to racism, homophobia etc. Its perfectly natural to have an unease about things that are different, and to need to know peoples gender. But we are not creatures of pure instinct and to defuse these things we need to recognise them, and use our cognitive reasoning to disassemble them. Actually its probably more like habituation to it, now that everything is connected, That's how it gets better over time.

[Deleted]

Personally I'm way more worried about misgendering strangers. I don't worry about being misgendered myself but I always try to be polite and use Ma'am and Sir. Sorry just something to do with learning to do it as a child. If I am unsure then I just don't say the M or S word and just say thank you, yes or no or excuse me or whatever.

[Ativan Prescribed]

I was brought up to do the same.
So it took some doing to get used to not doing that.
It may be the polite thing to do, but it feels better now to not gender people that way.
I still do, as a habit, automatically gender a person when I see them, but I can more easily leave it in the background now.
The more I do this, the better it feels overall.
It takes that constant binarism away and puts people first.
Those times that I don't gender someone and see them as just a person, there is a kind of satisfaction in that.
If I can grab ahold of it and look around at everyone in sight and see them the same way, it has a distinct feeling, it leaves me a little more relaxed.
It is easier to see the individuals, there is a sense of a better understanding of them, just in looking at them.
There are times that even if I then do try to gender them, it becomes hard to do, I have doubts about how I do gender them.
The charade that it is melts away and there are just people.
I have less expectations of them doing some gendered thing and instead see them for who they are, the individual they should be seen as first.
It's just a very satisfying feeling when I can catch myself doing that, but I also know that I am doing it more and more, without being conscious of it.
The veil that is the distraction of gender is lifted and the world is easier to see, to appreciate individuality, instead.

[Deleted]

Apr 23, 2015 3:36:25 GMT 8 Ativan Prescribed said:

I was brought up to do the same.
So it took some doing to get used to not doing that.
It may be the polite thing to do, but it feels better now to not gender people that way.
I still do, as a habit, automatically gender a person when I see them, but I can more easily leave it in the background now.
The more I do this, the better it feels overall.
It takes that constant binarism away and puts people first.
Those times that I don't gender someone and see them as just a person, there is a kind of satisfaction in that.
If I can grab ahold of it and look around at everyone in sight and see them the same way, it has a distinct feeling, it leaves me a little more relaxed.
It is easier to see the individuals, there is a sense of a better understanding of them, just in looking at them.
There are times that even if I then do try to gender them, it becomes hard to do, I have doubts about how I do gender them.
The charade that it is melts away and there are just people.
I have less expectations of them doing some gendered thing and instead see them for who they are, the individual they should be seen as first.
It's just a very satisfying feeling when I can catch myself doing that, but I also know that I am doing it more and more, without being conscious of it.
The veil that is the distraction of gender is lifted and the world is easier to see, to appreciate individuality, instead.

Old habits are hard to break. Hell I find myself sometimes wondering what other people's gender identification is. I still say ma'am and sir but when I believe without a shadow of a doubt they cis. But I do try my damndest not to say sir or ma'am if there is any question or indication that they are trans. The kicker is that it kills me not to be polite. But If I assume then I will definitely make an ass of me.  That my friend never fails.

Personally I really don't care if someone calls me ma'am or sir. I have been called both at one time or another. Especially driving a truck when Tshirts and jeans or shorts are the most comfortable thing you can wear. Well actually I have worn just a shirt and undies before in the middle of the night driving. That is the most comfortable and no one can see you because you are so much higher than any other vehicle and plus it's dark. But even some women drivers wear the same clothing as the guys. I guess you could call it more androgenous. Loose is way more comfortable. So either or never really hurt me. But not a whole lot does. Hell I have even been called a "Sidewalk Sissy" on the radio, after jumping out of the truck in my shorts and tanktop to check a tire. I just let it go. I drove 300 some odd miles in Southwest TX being followed by two drivers that thought I was a female because of my voice and when I passed one I had the inside light on trying to pour coffee. They couldn't hand and I had about 800 miles to go. They couldn't keep up with my truck or my speed. That was pretty fun flirting back and forth.

But Either way. I don't care what anyone calls me as long as they don't steal my humanity. Tranny, Shemale, Sidewalk Sissy (Trucker lingo for a tanssexual Lot Lizard )  But don't take my humanity away. Being called an "It" is what chaps my butt. Being called a Sir or Ma'am with the emphasis on those and louder spoken than the rest of the words in the sentence also bites my ass because they are calling me out. Usually it is malicious when they say it and I say it right back but totally misgendering them on purpose.