Straight vs Queer: Oil and Water at Social Events?

[francxs]

Happy New Year everyone!

In years past we have traditionally thrown large New Year's Eve parties. These were large events involving the friends of our kids (when they were still in town). Given the fact that two of them were out as queer, these were pretty diverse events. They were also large and noisy with as many as 100 people and as many as three bands. One year the entire Pride Centre from the university pitched up. It was great. Often we had kids who were coming out as queer for the first time and were thrilled to have a tolerant environment.

The one we threw last night (thinking we'd re-start the tradition) was more sparsely attended, not least because we are empty nesters. But there was a weird division between our queer friends (mostly gay and lesbian) and our more straight circle whom we tend to socialize with separately. I'm not out to many of the latter. Too complicated and not necessary.

Unfortunately, it was kind of painful. It's not like anyone was intolerant, it was just a kind of oil and water situation. A large party can cover up the fact that those groups don't always party together very well. And this evening was uncomfortably divided along those lines. I also felt weirdly self-conscious (which probably didn't help) as I can operate pretty happily in both worlds. I can certainly present as pretty het and I front a rock band which can be a pretty cis-male thing. So I'm up there playing and thinking to myself "Geez. I'm probably coming across as super straight." 

I think this might be a generational thing for us older folks. The queer community had to form its own discrete social world. 

Any thoughts about this? 

[Leena]

Happy New Year!

Straight and queer people mixed fairly well in the party scenes I was in when I was younger. I mean there were intolerant people, but they were pretty quiet about it. It might be that intolerant people aren't as quiet about it now in general.

It's funny, I think come across as super straight at queer events now that I transitioned. People tend to assume I'm a straight woman. I don't really like coming out to people either, but if you come off as cis and straight, people do make some of the wrong assumptions.

[francxs]

Yes. I can understand that. It would be cool to have that simplified.

For myself, I DO feel like I want to be recognized as queer, so it's tricky. i've been intentionally trying to develop friendships with my gay/lesbian acquaintances. I wonder if I come across as a wanna-be queer and that puts folks off. Is that a thing?

It also may be that I've got my own issues surrounding the gay community, which historically at least, has a basic suspicion of bi folks. I've always felt a bit of a wall there that I've never been able to quite put my finger on. So maybe that's really what I'm struggling with.

To be honest, there was no lack of good will there, and with a different set of people (and more) I think it wouldn't have been so much of an issue. The gay/lesbian contingent was small. Two couples. And one brought the other. So we were getting to know them in the midst of it all, and none of them are particularly out-going.

[Leena]

It's isn't all that simplified as I am bisexual.

In an ideal world I'd be openly trans and bisexual, but this world is far from ideal. My being somewhat stealth is partly a safety thing, though it doesn't really help me meet other queer people.

[Ativan Prescribed]

One of the biggest barriers I think is that bigots somehow think it is politically correct to not have a tolerance for others.
Once again the republicans have made it a political football and honestly, they just can't play football...
But growing up a lot of friends started to come out of the closet and others just left the door open, most of the friends groups just had better things to think about.
To me its the old Ford vs Chevy kind of thing, you can nitpick the shit out of both of them and when it comes down to it, they are just cars and trucks.
But for most of the people I hung around with, and it was most everyone from different groups, if you couldn't deal with someone else that was on you, not them.
It'd be nice to turn the tables on bigots and make them the scapegoats for being different, everyone else just getting along.
Despite bigots putting the hate out there and making it obvious they are bigots, more people have a strong dislike for them and far less dislike for LGBTQ.
Even bigots don't like other bigots, but birds of a feather and all that..... they are stuck with each other because nobody else wants them.

[francxs]

This was uniformly a pretty tolerant group. Even those who *might* compare with a gentle US Republican (and there were a few) are super generous and tolerant people. So it wasn't about bigotry and it was a two way street. Maybe I'm being paranoid, but I felt a little like I was getting evaluated by the gay guys (whom I'd not met before) for my queer credentials.

Or maybe I was just feeling self-conscious about all my cis male friends who are super het. 

Thanks for letting me sort this out here. It wasn't clear to me when I started, but I'm really starting to think this was as much about me as anyone who was there! I think have a lot invested in having my gay/lesbian friends think well of me and that's going to complicate things.

[Ativan Prescribed]

I have always run with some pretty diverse people, from here to there with their own ideas of the world.
When you start becoming self conscious of your own version of the world, you either change the world or change yourself.
It's a weird world we live in when the rich look down of the poor and the poor look down on the rich, everyone has their own ways and sometimes we just can't tolerate some of them.
But at the same time, we all have and do things that someone somewhere can't tolerate about us.
The difference between right and wrong is usually just a matter of what direction we are looking at it from.
Sometimes the hardest person to understand is ourselves.

[francxs]

Yup. And self reflection can bite. It's amazing what other people can sense.

I have had the experience of being with someone who wanted my approval or some kind of affirmation. It's flattering in a way but mostly kind of off putting. It feels like they have this void, like I'm supposed to fill it somehow, but I can't. 

Hopefully I'm not making people feel like that!