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Post by francxs on Sept 13, 2023 8:28:09 GMT 8
I'm wondering if anyone has advice about building local communities where you can feel comfortable as yourself. I am particularly thinking about those of us who are a little older. The local organization for non-binary/genderqueer folks is driven mostly by folks who are my kid's age or younger. I suppose I should just throw myself in there anyway! I work with young people and really enjoy that, but I think we all tend to gravitate to folks more or less our own age. We have similar life experiences and ways of interacting. It's also nice not to be constantly aware of how much older you are than everyone else in the room!
I'm slowly building a community of people but it's a slow process and I'm curious what others have done.
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Post by Leena on Sept 13, 2023 10:35:12 GMT 8
I wish I had some advise to give you, I sort of have the same problem. Most stuff for nonbinary and trans people where I am is also geared towards younger people.
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Post by francxs on Sept 13, 2023 11:20:15 GMT 8
Much of what I’m doing is building a group of people I can be out with not necessarily trans or gender queer. It’s also harder to establish new friendships as an older person. Not sure why exactly. So digging in to my existing network is unavoidable.
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Post by Leena on Sept 14, 2023 23:11:15 GMT 8
That can work too. Although I feel comfortable as myself here, and felt comfortable even when I was experimenting with my presentation, I still find it a challenge establishing any lasting friendships. It was much easier when I was younger though most of those friends are would not be supportive of my transition now. Maybe I was just much less selective when making friends when I was younger.
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Post by Ativan Prescribed on Sept 15, 2023 11:25:39 GMT 8
This forum is the only thing I have going for older NB. Old people tend to become more set in their ways and lose a lot of that sense of adventure as they age. I think older people just find the whole socializing thing a little tedious after a while as well. Think about it this way, what large groups of older people are there who regularly gather together anyways? Sure there are some things, political mostly and thats just boring as fook, but what else is going on that groups of over twenty older people regularly get together for? I live in an apt building that is all over fifty-five and most are well over sixty five and to be honest, I can't stand most of them. A few of them are friends but very rarely do any of them get together other than maybe cards in the community room, they try to get people to hang out now and then but nobody seems to want to, but then most of them are republicans and who wants to hang out with them, even other republicans don't want to..... it's kinda like having Karens hanging out together, nobody likes them and they can't stand each others views either.
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Post by francxs on Sept 16, 2023 8:12:01 GMT 8
This forum is the only thing I have going for older NB. Old people tend to become more set in their ways and lose a lot of that sense of adventure as they age. I think older people just find the whole socializing thing a little tedious after a while as well. Think about it this way, what large groups of older people are there who regularly gather together anyways? Sure there are some things, political mostly and thats just boring as fook, but what else is going on that groups of over twenty older people regularly get together for? I live in an apt building that is all over fifty-five and most are well over sixty five and to be honest, I can't stand most of them. A few of them are friends but very rarely do any of them get together other than maybe cards in the community room, they try to get people to hang out now and then but nobody seems to want to, but then most of them are republicans and who wants to hang out with them, even other republicans don't want to..... it's kinda like having Karens hanging out together, nobody likes them and they can't stand each others views either. We’ll I do think it’s true as well that you get less patient with friendships that don’t give you what you need. I have some pretty conservative friends whose political views I struggle with. But at the same time I certainly don’t need other people as much as I used to. So it’s harder to be patient. But it’s still important to be recognized as yourself so it remains a struggle, for me at least. As a result I’ve had to reduce my expectations a bit with new friendships. It wont be like 20 year olds friendships. But that doesn’t make it not worthwhile. Anyway, that’s my approach right now.
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Post by Ativan Prescribed on Sept 16, 2023 11:49:38 GMT 8
I have a certain amount of recognition locally, different age groups and that. My general appearance can and is taken as either liberal or conservative, but in this area that holds true for a lot of people. So mainly its just that nod of recognition that they have seen me around a lot, various places locally. It's very rural here and most people give at least a nod and some the rural hello crossing paths anywhere. But I like that the native americans who live nearby know me just because they see me and we talk on the nature trails that go through their res and nearby. Good people. I also like that the Amish give me a wave as they go by in their horse drawn buggy, most people they ignore. But its a very small town and although its actually bigger, main street is a state hwy but there are no stop signs or traffic lights and it amounts to about three, maybe four blocks long depending on how you see it. I mean the only gas station is outside of town... So you either are known or you're not to the locals, I live on one end and the grocery store is on the other end and I can walk there and not come across another person... Doesn't bother me in the least, its very much like the dying little towns on the verge of blowing away west of here all the way to the coast, east is populated and west is Dakota sparse, north is forest and south runs into the burbs eventually.
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Post by francxs on Sept 17, 2023 0:09:24 GMT 8
I have a certain amount of recognition locally, different age groups and that. My general appearance can and is taken as either liberal or conservative, but in this area that holds true for a lot of people. So mainly its just that nod of recognition that they have seen me around a lot, various places locally. It's very rural here and most people give at least a nod and some the rural hello crossing paths anywhere. But I like that the native americans who live nearby know me just because they see me and we talk on the nature trails that go through their res and nearby. Good people. I also like that the Amish give me a wave as they go by in their horse drawn buggy, most people they ignore. But its a very small town and although its actually bigger, main street is a state hwy but there are no stop signs or traffic lights and it amounts to about three, maybe four blocks long depending on how you see it. I mean the only gas station is outside of town... So you either are known or you're not to the locals, I live on one end and the grocery store is on the other end and I can walk there and not come across another person... Doesn't bother me in the least, its very much like the dying little towns on the verge of blowing away west of here all the way to the coast, east is populated and west is Dakota sparse, north is forest and south runs into the burbs eventually. Sounds like rural Saskatchewan which I know very well. As much the centre of the world as anywhere else. ❤️
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Post by Leena on Sept 17, 2023 9:44:12 GMT 8
I have a certain amount of recognition locally, different age groups and that. My general appearance can and is taken as either liberal or conservative, but in this area that holds true for a lot of people. I'm not sure I don't come off as a conservative. That may be another issue I have with connecting with other LGBTQ+ people here beyond age. I'm not, though I lived in the Southeast most of my life, have an accent and people make assumptions. I may also tend to dress a bit more like conservative women somehow.
I feel like people are a lot friendlier to me when I shop in the suburbs, which lean more conservative, then when I hang out in more liberal areas anyway.
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Post by Ativan Prescribed on Sept 17, 2023 10:59:04 GMT 8
I think conservatives somehow think most people are like them and have their values, as odd as that sounds. They tend to think they are the people that others are looking up to and want to be like, for some reason. Its the morally correctness that they think their beliefs have, which is why they tend to think of themselves as christian and patriots, they have that tendency to think of themselves as individuals that are above others. Unless they are wearing clown noses with maga written on them or those incredibly stupid maga hats, there really isn't much other than stupid shirts that might as well just say I'm with stupid on them instead of whatever garbage thing they say as maggats. Anything else is not s giveaway really for a persons political beliefs, there are no fashions that are defining, even if the local area is mostly this or that, you step out of the area and you will still find the same fashion choices. Hair is not a thing that defines political belief, and the only thing you can do is question someone but then people tend to lie anyways, its a given and when I was in sales it is the first assumption you make about people. It isn't as if they start out the day with lies and most people don't really realise the extent they do lie, like white lies are not real lies people will tell themselves, lying to not hurt a person feelings is another, the list goes on and on. But conservatives tend to lie to get ahead more than liberals do, that stepping on someone else to get ahead instead of helping someone else, they tend to take advantage of peoples mistakes and when they are down to better their situations. Thats a generally subtle thing and although it can be blatantly obvious, you usually don't reach that conclusion until its well past the expired date on the rotting garbage left over from republicans. But appearance is not the tell, its in the actions and the little things they do, their reactions to others, even simply their walk can be a give away, they tend to step harder and make more noise whenever they are doing something, its an attention thing for them. How you come across can be like them very easily, you just have to be in a mood, but paying attention when you can to how you come across in body movements and the way you talk can make or break how others react to you, thats a real given. Some areas just might make you more relaxed than other areas and that makes a difference, having nervous body language is obvious to others, same with nervous language, practicing putting yourself and others at ease is a real and helpful thing. Think of it in terms of how people might or might not get out of your way or make way for you as you meet on a sidewalk, or in a crowded store,.. notice how other people do this and the reactions of others towards them....
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Post by Leena on Sept 18, 2023 12:15:33 GMT 8
People act a lot differently when I am just perceived as a cishet woman, and do not get out of my way at all. It is a lot different than how people acted towards me pre-everything and also how people acted towards me when I was in various stages of me experimenting with my presentation.
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Post by Ativan Prescribed on Sept 18, 2023 12:49:40 GMT 8
Yep, people perceive others based on who they think they are as well, I see that all the time when timid types of people hesitate and move out of others ways and the people they are moving out of the way of see this as well, its a power trip of a sort for some of them. Thats a part of giving off the perception of being a woman for some, but there are most definitely those women who people back down from as well and it doesn't have to be a lot of male swagger to do that, thats something I notice all the time. It seems in the last few years that some women have picked up that sort of power style in how they move, I think its a move in the right direction myself, it makes me smile when I see it, and I smile more when I see men back down in even small confrontations like who is going to move out of the wya on a sidewalk for example, its not like its an overpowering thing, its more like an acceptance that this person is coming across as someone to respect. And its always about respect, anyone can do the kind of movements that are intimidating to even the point of being nasty and have that don't fook with me, thats a general asshole move and although it could come in handy, it leaves a lot to be desired in that person. Far more often you see the mutual respect moves, for instance meeting on a sidewalk sort of thing, regardless of who moves first or the most to get out of the way, everyone sees and knows it for what it is, just respect for another person. This holds true for just people having a general conversation interaction or things on that order, assholes always come across as just assholes even if they think they are coming across as strong, a strong willed person doesn't act that way, their stature is subtle and is never over powering to others, it can in fact be perceived as this is the kind of person who would make a good friend, in times of need, a strong willed person makes the best kind of friend mostly. Its a fine line when it comes to how we are perceived and how we perceive others, but being aware of that and knowing the subtle differences goes a long ways in being able to read people properly, and even then its a difficult thing to do, you just never know and others moods play into it so much, catch people on a really good day and they look like this, catch them on a really bad day and they look like that, but its the hidden language we all use to navigate through the world.
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Post by Yuki on Sept 20, 2023 6:51:43 GMT 8
People act a lot differently when I am just perceived as a cishet woman, and do not get out of my way at all. It is a lot different than how people acted towards me pre-everything and also how people acted towards me when I was in various stages of me experimenting with my presentation. I have that experience, too. Maybe 10-ish years ago I was at a mall and decided to see what would happen if I didn’t move, because I got tired of people walking right at me. Anyway, people just walked into me. Lol. They saw me… they just absolutely refused to move. Some were irritated that I didn’t move. I don’t care too much, I don’t have the energy to deal with assholes. So I don’t bother anymore. I was more just curious if people would move or not, if I didn’t. And they didn’t. Lol
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Post by Ativan Prescribed on Sept 20, 2023 8:41:33 GMT 8
There is a way to make yourself suddenly look bigger, most people are not rigidly standing straight up tall as they walk, the relaxed way of walking is to be loose and that makes people appear a bit smaller. If you just pull yourself up straight a bit and push your chest out a little, nothing too much or obvious, and do it as their eyes match yours, most people will give way at least a little, both moving to avoid each other. There is the tendency that most people have to lower their shoulder as a sign of giving way and its the one that is nearest to that other person, if you lift your shoulder slightly on that side its the threat or not going to give way move. Of course on the other hand as the other person is within about a foot or so away, do the startle move or responce, kinda the comedy startled move and watch the other person go into guarded mode, generally they will move a foot or two away. Unless they were looking threatening to begin with, you can always fake that it was a sneeze or just say I thought so if you want to put the intimidation factor into it, but most people will rarely lock eyes to get someone to move. So doing the startled jump, not at them thats a threat, but in any direction but at them and even away from them is enough to make the other person jump and then feel foolish for doing it, just smile and say sorry had to sneeze there or something like that and smile and keep going. Fun with body language.... Even assholes made to startle is fun for them when they realize it was a nothing and they jumped, like nervous much? It's the subtle version of just screaming at people for no reason at all, makes them nervous and worried. I used to do that and held my hands in the jazz hand position as I jumped sideways and faced them, people think you're just crazy and that further gets them off balance, but regardless of how you want to do it, just keep on walking away, it leaves them confused and a little dazed maybe,.. it they say anything just ignore them and don't respond.
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Post by Yuki on Sept 20, 2023 11:18:52 GMT 8
There is a way to make yourself suddenly look bigger, most people are not rigidly standing straight up tall as they walk, the relaxed way of walking is to be loose and that makes people appear a bit smaller. If you just pull yourself up straight a bit and push your chest out a little, nothing too much or obvious, and do it as their eyes match yours, most people will give way at least a little, both moving to avoid each other. There is the tendency that most people have to lower their shoulder as a sign of giving way and its the one that is nearest to that other person, if you lift your shoulder slightly on that side its the threat or not going to give way move. Of course on the other hand as the other person is within about a foot or so away, do the startle move or responce, kinda the comedy startled move and watch the other person go into guarded mode, generally they will move a foot or two away. Unless they were looking threatening to begin with, you can always fake that it was a sneeze or just say I thought so if you want to put the intimidation factor into it, but most people will rarely lock eyes to get someone to move. So doing the startled jump, not at them thats a threat, but in any direction but at them and even away from them is enough to make the other person jump and then feel foolish for doing it, just smile and say sorry had to sneeze there or something like that and smile and keep going. Fun with body language.... Even assholes made to startle is fun for them when they realize it was a nothing and they jumped, like nervous much? It's the subtle version of just screaming at people for no reason at all, makes them nervous and worried. I used to do that and held my hands in the jazz hand position as I jumped sideways and faced them, people think you're just crazy and that further gets them off balance, but regardless of how you want to do it, just keep on walking away, it leaves them confused and a little dazed maybe,.. it they say anything just ignore them and don't respond. Yeah, I don’t remember what I did. I just remember I did it because I was tired of having to turn sideways and nearly squeeze against a wall or another person just to move out of the way of someone who had plenty of room on their side to just step out of the way but they didn’t want to. It was probably the area I was in, too… a bunch of stuck up people with big egos. Specifically, it was the cis men that didn’t move, of course. Being on the truck was fun because we’d end up in small town areas where people thought I was strange for having a buzzed head so they’d stare. It was slightly amusing to stare back until they got uncomfortable and looked away. Only once did someone keep staring back.. but it was a rich part of town and he was dressed up and had a newspaper. Kind of reminded me of an old butler in some movie. He definitely thought he was above everyone else around him, just watching how he treated other people too. I used to go way over the top with how I dressed when I was a lot younger and it was fun to see people’s reactions to that. I don’t anymore, but I kind of want to again. I’ve realized I felt more myself when I didn’t try to blend in so much with my clothing choices. Weirdly enough, I actually have less general social anxiety that way. Doesn’t make much sense, but whatever
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