Did you try to beat being NB/Trans?

[Trinity]

I sure as heck did, and it was a total fail and brought me right to the edge, if I didn't go over it, and maybe I did.

I can't even count the number of times I purged, or the self hate at looking in the mirror.

Before I overshare, because I want to hear from those of us who still are here and post, how was it for you?

[Ativan Prescribed]

I've always more or less lived on the edge, lots of been there done that stuff, but never have I thought to myself that there is something wrong with me.
I've had way to many people tell me I am wrong or something is wrong, but I have never had a single person who could explain that exactly, just stupid quotes and excuses.
Not self hate, but rather a deep seated anger at the world in general, but I also had ways to take it out as well, using the anger to get me forward.
When I encountered those times that there was a standoff of a sort between me and those who deserved my anger, I let them have it in sometimes no uncertain terms.
Cruelty is a big thing that really deserves some anger thrown right up against it, you don't kick a person when they are down, you reach out and give them a hand if you are able to.
Its that person who kicks someone because they can get away with it that deserves some anger, dished out in ways that makes them understand, you are not on this world to taker advantage of people, you are nothing and even less of a person if you do for personal gain.
Even though I was very nasty and did unthinkable things in my early years, it was directed at those who take and seldom if ever give.
I learned to be a better person in a lot of hard ways.

[Leena]

I fought being trans for a very long time. I considered transitioning in the late 90s, but it didn't seem possible with all the old school rules and I couldn't afford it anyway. I went the opposite way and bulked up in the gym in hopes that maybe I could be happy with my body if it was the type of male body society seemed to like. I shaved my head and that was the most dysphoria inducing thing I ever did. I grew it back, but I continued to fight in other ways.

Even after I accepted that I was not cis, I fought going on HRT for a long time. I spent so much energy fighting it, I really wasn't doing much else.

[Trinity]

From a young age I tried to beat it. In my early teens, prepuberty, I would look in the mirror and I would see she pretty clearly.

Ended up stealing my sisters things, just a couple, and that really started it.

I did everything I possibly could to beat being trans, and the manifestations were quite negative, accute alcoholism at a young age, dangerous situations with men, trying to make straight relationships work, getting blitzed drunk and getting laid. Buy and throw out, buy clothes and throw them out, wear things under my clothes, then later throw them out. I wish I still had some of the stuff I got rid of, it was good stuff.

Then came me coming out, full out, getting sober, and then I met my wife and I decided to change to keep her, be the guy, but I could never quite pull it off. And I would have moments when she would shine through, I could never really escape it.

I fought it until I was in my mid 50's and I finally folded up, crashed and burned. Towards the end my work performance was suffering, and I was always looking for a way out. It was more of a compulsion thing with me, and there was some other crosswired stuff involved. There was always, from the beginning, the female sexuality but the attraction to women. And that was very strong.

The repression I believe had severe consequences for me, trying to beat it spiritually failed in the end, I would go a year or two without dressing and I would always slip back, and it was a driven compulsion when I did. And always there was that thing with the eyes, with seeing she, and any time I saw me on video, there she was, unless I was on stage, and I was a darned good actor.

I learned that act, but invariably the act would collapse at some point, lower the guard, and who I am would show.

Now I do live pretty comfortably nonbinary, its very easy for me to be any presentation at any time, its all part of who I am, or maybe I played the role over a half century so well that it just became second nature, I couldn't even tell you any more. But what I can tell you is that many, many times, my survival instinct is in full force, and the coping mechs go on full. Communication becomes a survivalist game, make you laugh, make you feel good, draw attention to somethint that will deflect your attention from what I look like or how I move. Overpower situations with being friendly in a good way, positive energy, all that. And stealth she, well, I have not been around people I don't know as myself in quite a while, there are a few, sure, but its not like walking into the 7-11 and ordering a coke, which where I am now would be pretty unsafe to do.

Its far easier for me to navigate the matrix nearly like I did those first 55 years, but the difference is that I have dropped the stereotypical acting, and I know who and what I am, the surface does not represent what is under the outer layers of clothing, and the clothing is simply the old construct idea. I did not change one construct for another, but in a way I do, I use the construct as I want to, its all just ways of relating to others. But letting them really in, really see me, yes there are safe places that I do that, but there are a lot more that I do not.

I've been performing all my life, for others. Developing a real life act to protect she, me, but since I hated her, because I was shamed constantly for being her and that still goes on in some places but not all and I don't put up with it, but all of those things resulted in me being who and what I am.

I did everything I possibly could to not be trans, and frankly, it may have taken me over the edge. There is damage to my mind, I have gotten a lot better, but its still there and its mostly work related now, trauma from the jobs. I still have frequent nightmares about it.

If I could walk away from being trans I probably would, but I can't walk away from me or who I am. Not without living a lie. And that's the big thing, it's just not right to do that.

My head still spins on the faith side of things, there is much healing needed there. I am better right now than I have been in a while.

So yeah, I fought it, I was afraid of it, I hated it, I was ashamed of it. All of that is a result of a total failure of society to be human and kind enough to understand. And the rage about that cannot be overstated, I keep it under control, stuff it sometimes, it does not help me and I want to be free of it. I have better emotional centers to come from, the best of she.... when she was released, when Satinjoy was born on the old forum, the very best of me came out and came to the surface after all those years. What I had been taught to hate turned out to be the most valuable thing about me, the love, the passion, the fierce kindness and protective instincts, so many things that the matrix had mauled and crushed that finally rose up and shook at off and looked in the mirror, and saw myself, and finally, finally, finally, smiled at what I saw, and was able to say I love you into the mirror, and it was real.

It was never real before I accepted myself as I am. As I believe I was created, the science of that is out there.

To accept being trans was to accept the battle to fight that comes with it, I think. And I always was a fighter, they always underestimated me, and what happened when the rage came out. It also was rage turned inward.

Me being alive is a miracle.

[Ativan Prescribed]

While it was for sure some feminine clothes were a turn ou that just made me feel good, more than sex and related kind of stuff, while I could as a horny young teen certainly go with it, it was more of a relaxed thing.
Back then during the summer everyone wore cutoff jeans, I just made mine a little shorter but then everyone had that really short length going anyways, but I was a little closer to Daisy Dukes.
I also made sure that not only my cutoffs but jeans in general were just a little tighter, I figured out a lot about the cut and how to sew them on my moms sewing machine, and she actually gave me advice on how they looked.
The biggest thing was body hair, I just have never liked it, to me its gross no matter who you are, mustache and beards don't bother me, but hairy legs and chest do a lot, it just looks unclean and I imagine people with hairy bodies smell more, I tend to stay just a step farther away.
But then I have never had a really hairy body and the hair on my legs below the knees has always been less than most people, but over the years it has gotten to be a little thicker on my forearms, but I trim the length and use a hair puller out like it is ripping skin thing to thin it out a lot.
I absolutely hate the hair on the backs of my hands and fingers, and I have in the past shaved those places a lot but now its the old Braun rip that shit out by the roots torture machine, works good enough and lasts.
Armpit hair though totally grosses me out, and it does collect sweat and the bacteria that makes a person stink, if you have hairy pits and want to lessen the stink by more than half, just get rid of the hair.
I have never really smelled like a guy and people do comment sometimes that I have a different, as they put it, smell when I sweat, but thats because the buildup of the nastiness of bacteria that causes that stink just has no place to go or stick to, pits dry out a lot faster.
I found that just using like a little denatured alcohol kills off the nasty stink and I do that just once in a while, maybe less than weekly, I do it if I notice that 'I'm a neanderthal' stink coming on, face it, guys just smell really bad in general.
Out of everything I have tried in my life to reduce that smell, the alcohol works the best, doesn't stop everything, but it stops that smells like there is a dead animal in your pits for too many days to just not get out of hand.
But then I can't really handle the smell of fish either, and no women do not smell like fish, fish smell like they are dead and have been for weeks, just driving past some fish restaurant is gross, the stink of the two and a half tons of dead rotting fish they keep out by the dumpster travels for blocks, its just nauseating as hell, but then I am almost deadly allergic to most fish and for sure seafood, seafood is call for help shit if it even gets near my mouth, a couple times this has happened eating out with someone and they tell me it is like fish at all and I'm already overwhelmed by the death smell and it just looks like it would be really good, but no, just no, a couple times just can't get up off the floor right next to the table and a couple times having paramedics doing paramedic shit while I am convinced I am never going to breath again....
But when I was like in my very early twenties, I worked just off the edge and sometimes into it a little the jungle in hot and humid central america, it was to my benefit to not be seen or heard, so making sure my personal stink wasn't stinking up the countryside, I shaved my body all the time.
And I worked with a bunch of sometimes over the top macho macho men who took great pride in being as Neanderthal as possible because to them real men are hairy and generally kind slow on the up ticks, and at first they freaked out when they see me in the showers and even more shaving in the showers.
Simple explanation of just keeping the obvious stink of hot and humid from giving yourself away when you are scouting and just waiting, and a few less neanderthal tried it out and agreed and before long, the hairy gorilla types did as well, I kinda thing a few of them hung around after hours a lot.
But then it became an athletes thing and body builders thing and now its just a thing, only the men to insecure with themselves will refuse to shave their hairy bodies because I don't know, that secondary door to their tran closet maybe, who knows, and who cares if you have body hair or not?
Wearing women's clothes is a kinda fun thing, nothing much more, I like it and I do wear skirts most everyday around the apt, comfort being the biggest thing but on the other hand they just feel right for some reason, I don't assign them to womens clothes, it standard in a lot of cultures.
Really no need for a bra, panties are pretty restrictive and I wear like warm boxers in the winter but go commando in the warm months, and here again its just easier to stay dry and not have a sweaty anything that doesn't need to be sweaty and a bacteria collection area.
So tight fitting clothes have never been a thing since high school and back then what was considered tight isn't tight by todays standards, really clothes serve a purpose of sorts and comfortable is just that, why have chafing clothes?
But then there is the movements sort of things, I notice this a lot in people, body language is a total telltale sort of thing most of the time, even more so than emotions, sick people have certain moves depending.
And I know what most people consider to be masculine and feminine, I just don't overly register it that way, a lot less than most people, because most people just have all sorts of combo moves they make and it depends on the situation entirely.
Its odd that if a guy swings his hips and looks all masculine as hell, its a swagger, if he isn't all masculine its feminine, if a woman does swing her hips its taken as masculine, but mostly its a construct thing, a learned thing, people are told at young ages if they don't blindly follow the matrix rules of movement, like how are people supposed to know if you can't just move like you are expected to if you are deeply immersed in matrix culture to the point that reality is just a figment of your imagination?
People generally just go along with the matrix rules and regulations of what is and isn't, but if you ask people what the exact rules are for what is and isn't, they get confused because they just don't know, caught in the current flow out to sea to become recycled stuff for something else.
It's like the funniest thing I have seen in a movie is int Birdcage', Robin Williams is trying to get his feminine friend to move like a man as part of a cover story, when it came to walking he said think John Wayne and the guy does a perfect John Wayne walk, Robin exclaims he never realized how much it is feminine and it was perfectly feminine and yet perfectly John Wayne, so the contrastare real and yet they are false at the same time, gender is a construct and is just another matrix illusion of real people.
I find it easier to not use as much of the construct and to see myself as well as others as who they probably are, but we never ever really know, do we? So why use inaccurate ways of trying to determine the gender of someone and especially somethings...

[Trinity]

It changed from being a turn on to being just plain normal and an antidysphoric blessing.

It's interesting to have binary body dysphoria, and when that part of things hits, I lose the construct thing, I get it on clothes and all that jazz, but the visual and the body thing, that's real pain. And hair, forget it, though under the arms does not bother me and on full dose E I don't smell like a guy.

I also don't wear perfume, and I like Old Spice and those kinds of body washes.

Its a funny thing with me. Sure skirts and all that when stealth, not so much at home, but you are likely to find me in a bathrobe whether silk or terry most of the time, and a nightgown under that, and certainly female underwear. But even my perception of that has changed, undies are more because needed and uncomfortable without and instant bad dysphoria if I see whats under that unless I ignore it and just see the fat distribution, which is correct this long into it. And its female type body hair except I have facial hair and my eyebrows are a pain to keep mowed. Which I do, and shaped.

There's ways in which I am still part of the construct, and ways in which I am freed of it, there are ways I am binary trans, and ways that I am quite nonbinary, its hard to explain and I know we are all different in how it works for us.

I struggle with the construct idea to some extent, there are times when I totally see it and get it, totally, and other times where I don't, not so much, but the clothing stuff, pretty easy to see the construct there, and then all the makeup and all the other stuff we do, and some of that I think is just to not look like the men. Highlight our gender identity.

My own psyche eval letters are in conflict but one states nonbinary trans woman and that is as close as its going to get physically with the medical world. Its a necessary carry letter in the trouble states, gives me certain rights...or at least lets me defend mine. Especially in bathrooms.

I don't do locker rooms and I dressed privately in dance class, not in the ladies room which would spin my head totally around because I am bi and would just not be able to handle it, and not in the mens room because I am sh'e and they couldn't handle it and I couldn't either, and bi....

Or pan, I'm just old and don't use that term but it probably applies, never think about it much.

But the gender rules and all that I agree are bunk.

As far as I am concerned, I stand apart, just different.

Estrogen was a godsend for me. No way I ever want to be without it.

So yeah, the construct thing... social stuff things. It's interesting, and I still confuse gender with sex and sexuality, as in my sex is probably trans female, sexuality is female or binary trans, gender?

Not female, and not male. Trans maybe, Nonbinary surely.

I like the freedom though of living any way I want to.

Heady stuff, it comes down to what feels good, feels right, and feels true.

[Ativan Prescribed]

I have always felt this sort of thing about my sex as being female, I'm living in a male body though, but aside from that, sure its female but on the other hand, I grew up as male so it fits me just as well.
Gender has always been a weird concept for me, I mean feminine guys and tomboy girls, is there such a thing as a line somewhere? I've just never bought into it as there is such a thing.
Sexualiity has always been pan of a sort, but AI get much closer to female partners, and like the trans girlfriend I had, I just never thought of her as anything but a girl or woman even if she had a penis, she had a penis, so what, in everyway she just seemed like a tomboyish woman to me.
So there has never been a line that was crossed because if I did, I never noticed it as even being there, life has kinda been like driving down a winding road, don't have to check the speedo to know if you are going to fast or too slow, you just drive.
I've had female friends who were just one of the guys to me and male friends who seemed to be more female than male and I knew a couple guys growing up that back in the day nobody said outright anything, but we all thought of them as one of the girls, and didn't think much about it at all, still friends and thats what mattered more than some gender kind of thing.
I have never thought of men being more able to do anything or females to be better at some things, hell I took the home ec course in high school, it was fun as hell and I learned a lot and I think the instructor did as well.
When it came to singling me out as she would say for a guy this is going to be, xxx, and then asking her why that would be, she had no real answer but just assumptions, which pretty much proved to be wrong.
Even though we had plenty of baby boom kids in the neighborhood growing up in the fifties and sixties, when it came to like playing baseball and football there were girls on the teams, some were bigger and stronger and easily played better than some of the guys, we didn't make a big deal out of if at all.
I always had girls in my circles of friends and we never thought much about it, we liked the same things and did the same things, whether it was considered masculine or feminine, we were just kids and just wanted to be friends.
Playing 'War' like pretending to be soldiers was very common and there was one girl who was just the best at it, even did the just got shot and dying parts really good, better than the rest of us, she knew all the lines from the tV shows and movies we all watched, gender wasn't a thing when we played stuff like that.

[Trinity]

Gendering activities has never made sense to me, or maybe it did a long time ago but not now.

When I had the professional racekart, racing the dirt oval, the person that was the southeast champion was a woman.  A very attractive one at that, though that doesn't really matter.  But she was really good and had the team behind her to make it work, lapped me in 3 laps, though it was a different class.   My kart was poor persons stock anyway but a lot of fun.

Construction, all of it, girl boy, whatever. Nb...

The other side of the coin though is an instinctive thing, and I wonder about that.  In my family it pretty much follows, just the natural flow of things, and I do what is traditionally thought of as guy stuff because that is what I like to do, and my wife does the other, but at the same time, there are blurred lines.  And she is deeper into the matrix than I am.

I'm almost to the point of socially detransitioning while totally maintaining my physical transition.  More and more I am settling in to just not needing it so much any more, resting in who I am.

That does not mean I am willing to cut my hair, far from it.  Nor that I do not have dysphoria, I sure do have it.  It just means I like being free and I hate anything fake or matrixy, I just like being comfortable.

If I did try to reverse, to "beat Trans", I think I would likely be miserable. 

Just seem to find that comfort zone.  Odd to me that Ativan predicted this way back in 2013.

[Leena]

I really tried to find a comfort zone somewhere that was not all the way socially transitioned, but that was way more uncomfortable for me.

Doing guy mode is even more uncomfortable at this point. It perhaps wouldn't have been had I not done electrolysis, but having to do full face makeup to present feminine was also uncomfortable. It really seems that fluidity like I imagined was never really a possibility for me.

There's really no going back for me now. While it is scary at times, how I'm going forward is very clear now.

[Trinity]

Jul 10, 2021 7:10:06 GMT 8 Leena said:

I really tried to find a comfort zone somewhere that was not all the way socially transitioned, but that was way more uncomfortable for me.

Doing guy mode is even more uncomfortable at this point. It perhaps wouldn't have been had I not done electrolysis, but having to do full face makeup to present feminine was also uncomfortable. It really seems that fluidity like I imagined was never really a possibility for me.

There's really no going back for me now. While it is scary at times, how I'm going forward is very clear now.

You needed that.  You needed that peace of mind.

[Ativan Prescribed]

I just grew up knowing who I am and never making a big deal out of it, when others tried to make something of it, like saying this or that is feminine, I usually just agreed and gave a so what.
I never really tried to fit into the very masculine role or feminine role, there was no desire because I just figured this is how I am and doubted much was going to change that.
Still stuff like learning the 'guy' walk was interesting and made me very conscious of how others moved and really, there isn't a lot of difference other than the learned sort of stuff, which is pretty easy to see if you know what it looks like.
Cis people tend to over act their roles by quite a bit and it shows, to me its no different than smoking cigarettes seemed at the time like it was the cool thing to do and way back then, it actually was, regardless of cis gender.
I used to laugh at this one woman I got to know a few years ago, she had the social cues to pull off so many different things, all of it was obviously like just acting out the parts for her, but she was very good at it and if you didn't know her, you wouldn't have known.
It was as if she learned everything she knows from copying what she saw in movies and vids online, I know she practiced them and was doing that around me a lot of the time, which I just found hilarious, so fake and yet not.
When people are acting out a role they are playing, it isn't that hard to see though it, I give them credit for trying to stay current with such things, but when everyone suddenly picks up on something and copies it, it just looks funny to me.
The current buzzwords are like that, the like tik tok sort of things, what one person does and someone likes and in a short time everyone is trying to copy or do it better, it just has such a matrix feel to it.
But then there are the people who pretty much just seem to be OK with themselves and don't try to run with the status crowd that is just that, a crowd, they are just themselves and it shows, and while they get less attention, they do come off as far more real.
There tends to be a lot less of the this is a guy thing or this is a girl thing, much more comes across as a person thing and thats just it, they look comfortable and act comfortable and don't have to buck the waves of what others in the crowd are trying to impress with, they just are themselves.

[Ativan Prescribed]

Sometimes the less you try hard to fit in the better you actually do fit in.

[Trinity]

That was the thing for me, and why I wound up in the androgyne section long ago. I don't do fake.

I will let myself flow with how it is going, and I dropped the fake guy stuff except what I probably do unconsciously out of habit. But I never got into the whole move like this thing, it just was always there anyway.

I was called out once for not standing like a woman, and the person who did it said that I probably didn't care anyway, and they were right.

Never did electrolysis, just a close shave is good enough and I go out, no foudation even, just eyeliner mascara. Put it on thick and drag it sideways for the liner part. Quick and simple and done.

But I just don't do fake. Even as an actor I didn't do fake, method actor, but there are things that become real... depending on the center of who you are in the conditions you are in. Which could explain my own fluidity and movement through the matrix.

It's all good.