I'm going nuts about transitioning, TW

[nyx]

Hello my dears,
there are so many great threads here already, but there is so much in my head these days, I'd need to comment on all of them in order to get it all together so sorry but I need to start a thread about myself again... 

I already reported that I am thinking about my gender and especially the physical part of it 24/7.

Yesterday evening, I was fantasizing about having sex (which is a problem that hasn't been solved yet: I can't do it anymore...) so I asked my partner to cuddle a bit... when we were laying in bed and hugging, the vision of my body being male flashed through my mind. I was so bewildered, and I felt extremely ashamed. I decided to face things as they are, so I told him what just happened. Again, he was 100% supportive and loving, but it was no help, I started crying and couldn't stop for... I don't know how long. I could barely breathe because my everything was so swollen and when I thought I'd calmed down a bit, it started over again. I said things like: I don't want this, I can't bear this. I want these thoughts to stop. I am broken. I am fucked up.
I had thoughts like this before, but this time I actually spoke them out. It has heavy. And painful.
I am not sure 'what' these thoughts are. My internalized transphobia? My anxiety? My true self that is defending themself from being misunderstood?
I know that right now, I don't accept myself at all. I wonder if I will be able to accept myself during and after a transition. Will it get better? Worse?
I need help with this, I know. There is this appointment I have with a couselor. One and a half week to go left. It is hard living from one day to the other... And I know the conversation with her won't solve my problems. It is a small step, and there are many small steps to go... In moments like this, I don't know how to keep track, how to not fall down before the next step.
I am unable to look at my chest without feeling dysphoric. I remember days in the past when I thought I would be able to like my breasts if they would be the same size or if they would be more rounded or if I had smaller nipples. Now I think I will never be able to like them, it doesn't matter how 'pretty' they are.
After I had calmed down yesterday, my partner asked me if, if I would take T, I would like to grow a beard. A bit stunned by this question, I had to laugh. I answered honestly that I don't know. He said he was just curious. He also said that he is curious about my changes and how I am going to be then. He started wearing a rainbow-striped button on his jacket recently. I don't have words to decribe how amazed I am by this guy!

But still, there are so many fears, so many questions...
If I am to transition, it will be like a dance on the edge of a blade. I fear that I will have to prove to be 'trans enough' in order to get the treatments I'd need. I might need to act out like a man while knowing that I am not a man. Or at least no conforming man. Will I find a therapist who understands or at least accepts that I am not binary? Will I become stealth male in order to survive? And would this be any better than being stealth female like now?

It feels sometimes as if I opened Pandora's box. What is coming out of it scares me and even hurts me. But it is impossible to close it and go back to the day before I opened it. It seems like no matter which path I go, I won't pass it unharmed. I can only lose. I lost by opening that box. Now all that is left is to pick what exactly to lose...

[Leena]

I think it's not unusual to feel this way, or at least I felt something similar when I started thinking about transitioning. I couldn't stop thinking about it either. Somehow it was much easier when I was convinced that transition was not possible for me.

It might be quicker and easier to transition where you are if people think you are binary trans. It shouldn't be like this, but it often is. How would you feel if people thought you were a man?

Whether or not to become stealth is not something you need to decide on now. It's not even possible for a lot of trans people, it's more something that grows out of what happens if you are 100% passing and don't tell people.

[Trinity]

Mar 8, 2021 1:47:27 GMT 8 nyx said:

It feels sometimes as if I opened Pandora's box. What is coming out of it scares me and even hurts me. But it is impossible to close it and go back to the day before I opened it. It seems like no matter which path I go, I won't pass it unharmed. I can only lose. I lost by opening that box. Now all that is left is to pick what exactly to lose...

And what you have to GAIN.

But being smart about it is important, recognizing the risks.  What you can't afford to have happen is to have "cognitive distortions" (a 1980's anti depressive technique to recognize thought processes that are not beneficial) start to determine your choices.  Clarity is needed.  For any of us.  I'm not saying you are having distorted thoughts about gender.  It's not that simple.  Its when you have the backlash about your feelings that I worry about it.  You are handling a lot.

I have no idea how it works in Germany for gender therapists.  I do know there is a nonbinary community out there because I have bumped into them in zoom 12 step meetings and they are very cool people.

Gender dysphoria is a bitch, and its all very personal.  But if self hate or self anger gets assigned to gender dysphoria it can go badly, and getting that sorted out does take a lot of wisdom and often outside help.  Dysphoria is bad enough without having depression feed on it and make it worse.

I had 4 months of therapy specifically targetting getting approval for my hormones.  It was helpful.  So were the forums.  The gender dysphoria, for me, was debilitating.  And it took me right to the edge, every night.

So been there, done all that.  It became a blinding, driving force.

I can't predict your path or how it works.  But I can tell you that we are here to support you however the walk goes.

This is what I meant about walking the diamond tightrope.  But it does get better, and in the end, you can dance across it.

Your partner is one cool human.  Sees right through the outside of you and into the inside of you and that's who he loves.  Now you need to learn to love what he loves too, to see beyond the mask.

[Ativan Prescribed]

It really comes down to this, if something doesn't feel right for you, then it probably isn't, if something does feel right for you, then it probably is.
You are asking yourself open ended questions in a way that makes you demand from yourself and answer, when there isn't one for now and might be a long time in getting to some point if you even decide you want to.
Virtually everyone feels some of this gender other side ness when thinking in terms of gender, everyone does this because there is no dividing line to it, everyone has a lot of the 'other' gender to their gender.
What sets people apart as NB is in recognizing that sure, one day you might feel masculine and the next is feminine, and for a lot of people, like most people, this is a concurrent thing going on, depends on what you might be thinking about at the moment.
Don't get all balled up thinking that because you have specific thoughts that those are the always and definite and going to be and so on and so on....
I go through what I tend to think of more as moods all day long, and those moods might be seen as masculine or feminine, I mean if I feel like wearing a skirt because its more comfortable, does this mean that its a feminine thing? It could go both ways, its comfortable.
If you have a feeling or mood that you feel masculine while cuddling with the boyfriend, play it out, make the moves, talk to him about how you just feel like exploring this mood you're in at the moment, whatever turns you on and does the same for him, its totally acceptable.
Truth be known, lots and lots of men seen as very masculine harbor deep thoughts about being taken and while they might draw a line with another guy, all's fair when it comes to being taken by a female or just someone feminine, ask him to pick out a nice strapon that you both would like...
Things are never ever cut and ry, there is more than just the one aspect of things, look at gender as like you do a meal, just one food isn't going to cut it, driving around like to the beach, more than one way to go, so go the scenic route if that works for you.
Everything is about aspects of whatever that thing is, music isn't just a note, it isn't just one song, it isn't just one performer, there are so many aspects to music alone that you will never ever cover all of them in your lifetime, gender is a lot like this.
Having a masculine day? Doesn't mean that you are, it means you feel like that, you are in the masculine mood so to speak, same for feminine, and no doubt your boy friend can tell you that depending on this and that, he's up for some good feminine feelings and mood.
You cam be the most masculine woman on the planet and if you don't think of yourself as masculine, then you don't, its gender and how you think of it is whats important, don't read to much into it, virtually everyone has all of either binary in them, they just don't use it because society says they can't when in reality, they can and this is the never ending dilemma of it, if you want others to think of you as masculine, what's wrong with that, if you want to just keep it to yourself, what's wrong with that? Nothing, nada, its your gender and you know what, what it is right this minute is not going to be the same in the next minute and this goes to days and weeks and years and a lifetime of your gender, your rules.
Its like if you want to go out and get some sort of tattoo, then its your body, your rules, and if you think there is something you can't have, chances are it becomes a focal point in your thinking, and it becomes wishful only because you can't have it right now and maybe never.
So its like this and I mean this only as an example, if you want to be the masculine sometime while cuddling with the boyfriend, consider something on the lines of just going through the motions, if you want more than that and he's game for whatever, take it to another level.
But whatever you do, don't think that you have to transition because you had a masculine moment of some sort, everyone does this and consider that it is in all likelihood, half the time, transition because you want to transition, not because you had a masculine moment with the boyfriend, and ask him if he's up for it anyways, one day or moment he says no, but that doesn't mean no forever and it certainly doesn't mean he has to do a fem transition, its about feelings and moods, and gender is a lot like those.
It's like cosplay, just because you really really like to dress up and play some other person, that doesn't mean you are that person or even want to be permanently, life is so full of just playing games of a sort, have fun with feelings and moods, have fun with gender, stop taking yourself so seriously.
And stop taking society so seriously, its at best very limiting to itself and most of the time has a very limited sense of humor, the entire reason why so many people reject most of what society claims itself to be.
Society might have laws, but its rules totally suck and who decided it could make the rules anyways? You know you can and you do like most people do, make their own rules and decide what's right for them.

[nyx]

I was thinking about your posts here yesterday. I felt somehow lost. Nothing made sense to me.

Now all I feel is numbness. And some sadness.



I'm unable to move into any direction. I'm stuck.

There are no masculine or feminine days. It's just that when I look in a mirror, I don't know myself. When I change clothes and see my body, I don't know what is wrong, all I know is that something is wrong. No specific moments like this, it's constant. If it weren't for my family and partner, I would never have stopped harming this body. Actually, if it weren't for them, I think I'd be long gone.

I don't know if this is about gender at all anymore.

At this very moment, I want to stay in the closet forever. I wish I could undo talking to anyone about it.

[Trinity]

Mar 9, 2021 17:31:39 GMT 8 nyx said:

I was thinking about your posts here yesterday. I felt somehow lost. Nothing made sense to me.

Now all I feel is numbness. And some sadness.



I'm unable to move into any direction. I'm stuck.

There are no masculine or feminine days. It's just that when I look in a mirror, I don't know myself. When I change clothes and see my body, I don't know what is wrong, all I know is that something is wrong. No specific moments like this, it's constant. If it weren't for my family and partner, I would never have stopped harming this body. Actually, if it weren't for them, I think I'd be long gone.

I don't know if this is about gender at all anymore.

At this very moment, I want to stay in the closet forever. I wish I could undo talking to anyone about it.

Big hugs.

I was concerned from the beginning how it was going to go for you.

One of the things that I think is super important is the self care aspect.  And I do remember looking in the mirror and not knowing what I was looking at, and the confusion. Things worked out over time.

Not harming the body is huge.  The big thing, for me, is how do I care for Trinity.  Gender is going to work itself out over time, it gets more clear, and as you experiment with presentation and just being, you can find what makes you the most comfortable, what feels like you are caring for yourself and your body the most.

Learning to love yourself, all of yourself, is in my opinion the most important thing that you can do.  Learning that you have value, that your intelligence and caring is so vitally important to everything and everyone, those are critical needs.

Not talking to anyone doesn't help, sure it confuses, but by hiding it and hiding in the closet, how can you grow and learn and find the things that make you feel better and more happy with yourself?

Its about learning to love Nyx, to care for Nyx, and to find the joy in the moment.  And the love of your family and partner is just huge.

It's no surprise that there would be feelings of confusion and being lost.  Its not a simple thing at all, this journey.  Thats why as we walk the paths in the unicorn forest, we take the time to smell the flowers, to look at the beauty on the path, to enjoy each and every moment that we can enjoy, and look for the positive we can find.

When dysphoria was its worst, with me, I would look into the mirror, and just focus on my eyes.  Nothing else.  Just the eyes.  I was looking to see the love and kindness and strength and maybe fear and other things as well.

And I learned to look into those eyes, and say "I love you."

Its a very powerful thing to do, and it can be very hard to do and it can wake up a lot of deep feelings.  But when you can do that and really mean it, it changes things. 

I used to hate the mirror.  I used to hate what I saw in my eyes.  But when I embraced it, everything started to change.  And I learned to forgive myself and take care of myself, and the self hate and the subtle forms of self harm that were in that, dissolved.

Huge hugs.

[Leena]

Mar 9, 2021 17:31:39 GMT 8 nyx said:

At this very moment, I want to stay in the closet forever. I wish I could undo talking to anyone about it.

Talking about it is part of how you can move forward.

It can be really overwhelming thinking about it all the time though. Sometimes finding other unrelated things to think about can really help it be less overwhelming.

How I eventually got past it being overwhelming was focusing more on other areas of my life. It's how I still do it when it becomes overwhelming again. Transitioning physically made me like what I see in the mirror for the most part, but that is just part of who I am. So is my gender, though since gender is such a big deal to how we interact with society, questioning it does have a tendency to make one question who you are too.

[nyx]

Mar 9, 2021 21:36:16 GMT 8 Trinity said:

Big hugs.

I was concerned from the beginning how it was going to go for you.

One of the things that I think is super important is the self care aspect.  And I do remember looking in the mirror and not knowing what I was looking at, and the confusion. Things worked out over time.

Not harming the body is huge.  The big thing, for me, is how do I care for Trinity.  Gender is going to work itself out over time, it gets more clear, and as you experiment with presentation and just being, you can find what makes you the most comfortable, what feels like you are caring for yourself and your body the most.

Learning to love yourself, all of yourself, is in my opinion the most important thing that you can do.  Learning that you have value, that your intelligence and caring is so vitally important to everything and everyone, those are critical needs.

Not talking to anyone doesn't help, sure it confuses, but by hiding it and hiding in the closet, how can you grow and learn and find the things that make you feel better and more happy with yourself?

Its about learning to love Nyx, to care for Nyx, and to find the joy in the moment.  And the love of your family and partner is just huge.

It's no surprise that there would be feelings of confusion and being lost.  Its not a simple thing at all, this journey.  Thats why as we walk the paths in the unicorn forest, we take the time to smell the flowers, to look at the beauty on the path, to enjoy each and every moment that we can enjoy, and look for the positive we can find.

When dysphoria was its worst, with me, I would look into the mirror, and just focus on my eyes.  Nothing else.  Just the eyes.  I was looking to see the love and kindness and strength and maybe fear and other things as well.

And I learned to look into those eyes, and say "I love you."

Its a very powerful thing to do, and it can be very hard to do and it can wake up a lot of deep feelings.  But when you can do that and really mean it, it changes things. 

I used to hate the mirror.  I used to hate what I saw in my eyes.  But when I embraced it, everything started to change.  And I learned to forgive myself and take care of myself, and the self hate and the subtle forms of self harm that were in that, dissolved.

Huge hugs.

Thank you! Seconds ago, I finally sent an e-mail to an tattoo studio to ask for my first tattoo. For me, this is an act of self-care because I want to get an semicolon on my left wrist to remind me that I survived so far and will continue to do so. I want it so I can look at it whenever I start to think about suicide again... which, to be honest, still happens from time to time, although I don't intend to give in to the thoughts they are there and I think they've become a part of me.
Survival is my first priority. It has to be.
Second should be self-love, I guess, but this one is hard on me. I have to constantly remind me to not forget about working on it. I think I'll try that mirror thing. Looking at my eyes seems at least better than looking at my chest, lol. No seriously, I want to try.

(Trigger warning for the following sentences: suicide-related stuff)
And I talked with my mom and a friend of hers today about trauma. He lost his 14 year old daughter last november, suicided together with her mother. I was asked if I would recommend my psychiatrist, so I told a bit about how I think she is doing a great job with a difficult person like me... and we got into talking about how one could be diagnosed to have an illness when the actual reason for need of help is not an illness but trauma. And then I said, I think it's never just an illness. All emotional problems come from events in life, we are not born like this.
And then, while talking about a lot of stuff, I realized:
What I wrote here before, that I didn't have any trauma, was utterly wrong. I realized there were multiple traumatic events in my life, some got me to that point when I would rather die than continue living with all that's happened. My self-hatred has a long history and I think this might be part of the reasons why I couldn't open the box with the gender question when I was younger. I had to focus on survival. Now that I am older and more stable, only now I am capable of sorting this out. But it's still hard. Wounds from the past get ripped open and have to heal again. Some never had the chance to heal and I find them from time to time, they are quite a mess now.
So maybe I can't expect myself to have the power to face all this every day, sometimes it is too much and I need to find peace again before I can move more forwards. When I look back, I see a long path. I need to remind myself that I've come that far. And it would be a pity to stop here. I may need my breaks, but I mustn't move backwards...

Mar 10, 2021 1:53:08 GMT 8 Leena said:

Talking about it is part of how you can move forward.

It can be really overwhelming thinking about it all the time though. Sometimes finding other unrelated things to think about can really help it be less overwhelming.

How I eventually got past it being overwhelming was focusing more on other areas of my life. It's how I still do it when it becomes overwhelming again. Transitioning physically made me like what I see in the mirror for the most part, but that is just part of who I am. So is my gender, though since gender is such a big deal to how we interact with society, questioning it does have a tendency to make one question who you are too.

You are right! I have a tendency to push myself too fast. And then, when I am overwhealmed, I despair of it. Need to slow down again... But I'll stay here and continue talking.

[Ativan Prescribed]

It's a journey that is a long and winding path, and its about the journey, never the destination, you have to walk the path with eyes wide open to be able to see for yourself that it is indeed all about the discovery of self.
We all have scars from old trauma, for some its not a big deal, for others it is a very big deal, and I have huge ones that I still deal with sometimes on a daily basis, but I do because I am a fighter when it comes to myself.
I just deleted several lines of trauma crap from my life, there is a literal list of things, but at the same time, I've traveled and done the things that are not the usual thrill stuff, to me real life can be so much better than a thrill ride park.
So I've had those times where I was thought to be dead, those times I thought I was going to die and those times where I was having too much fun to worry that I'm just one wrong move away from dying.
I've taken it to the edge one too many times and yep, went right over the edge and somehow am still alive, but I know where that edge is at least, which to me is the point, don't just look at the edge over there, walk over and look over it to see what's there.
Most people go through life never knowing where the edge is, they stay far away from it and think its the right thing to stay in their comfort zone, go look over the edge, stare into the abyss and force it to look back at you.
You don't have to go over the edge to know where it is, but you should know where it is and all the different ones there are, people seem genuinely surprised when something goes wrong and scratch their heads and think accident, the only accident is that they accidently didn't look to see where the edge is.
Life isn't about know all the answers, its a never ending stream of questions and answers and we just let it flow around us, and they never go by at the same time, a question isn't really a question if we already know the answer, we look for those things in our selves as a way to define our discoveries on our paths that is our journey, its always just one step at a time and always forward, we know where we have been and what we got from there and what we left behind, those are the answers to the questions that we already know the answer to.
The journey is the questions and finding the answers as they become a part of the journey, a part of the path, when they are within reach and we reach out and take that answer, are they just one step away or around that curve up ahead, doesn't matter, we get there if we keep moving forward.
Yah, I have traumas that give me nightmares that people just shouldn't have, but I also know so much more than just the trauma, I know how to survive so many things in life because of a past trauma, so decide if you are going to let that past trauma decide your path or are you going to use what you learned from it to deal with the never ending things that are the edge,,if you survived some traumatic thing, then you are better prepared than most who haven't, you use the trauma or you let it run your life, even the most negative things that have happened to us can be used to survive.