My good old friend named Depression

[nyx]

Hey friends... I started a new thread because I was unsure where to put this... it's a big heap of shit that's currently in my head and I thought maybe I should write it down...

Several trigger warnings--

Yesterday evening, I felt hungry but had already activated my fasting app. I was already a bit oversensitive, and depression was lurking nearby. However, I was sitting around, hungry, a bit sad. And then the dark thoughts started: 'how will I ever lose weight, I get weak after such a short time, I will never presevere this long enough. It won't work anyways because I'm too lazy to go out, all I can do is sit in the house and eat and feel bad about it.'
I started crying. My mom asked me what's wrong and I said that I can't stand myself anymore, I feel so shitty because I'm fat and I will never stop being fat. She was very kind and told me that it will get better, and I should remember what my psychiatrist said about diets, that the stress would be too much at the moment and losing weight is fine but I could do it once my studies are over and my stress levels are better. And she said that maybe I just need a bit exercise and she would go for a walk with me if I don't want to go alone. I cried even more... then somehoew gathered myself and deinstalled the fasting app, still sobbing. Grabbed something to eat, not much but enough to kill the hunger, then went to my room.
Burst into tears again. Cried a lot, my nose and lips are still sore. Didn't stop feeling dark since then. There is a part of myself that says it's just depressed-style-thinking, but the other parts are louder. They keep saying, I will never be content with myself because there is no possible version of my self I could like. If I was thinner, I would still be myself, if I would transition I would be myself, trapped in my brain that is not made to be sane. I come up with things I want to take as goals in my life, and then realize they won't change anything. When I was unemployed, I thought I was depressed because of unemployment and fear of the future and lack of money. Now I have all I wanted, I have found a great job and I will never be poor again and I have my partner who is the best I could ever wish for, and still, I feel empty. I feel like my life is a stupid game and I can move my figure but in the end, all I can do is walk in circles, throw dice and run in circles again. When I started cutting myself at age of 17, I looked great, much less fat, but it didn't bother me to make a mess of my arms and legs. Did it for many years, stopped it when I couldn't bear to hurt my loved ones by doing it anymore. It was not easy to stop it, I was kind of addicted, but I stopped it for the sake of my partner and my family. Succeeded, my will can be strong if it's not for my own sake. I wanted to die since the age of 14, tried to do it at 20, didn't succeed. Never tried again because everyone was really upset about it. I don't want to die anymore, it seems to be the solution for the ones who don't fight, and I don't want to lose without fighting. At least there is that much of motivation in my core. Somehow it makes me seek for meaning in life. Most of the time family, partner and the cats are motivating enough to stay at track. Sometimes I am happy. Most of the time I'm ok.
I think I have silly feelings very often. When I posted here about my wish to transition, I felt so positive. But now, it's all gone. I think I won't ever have the guts to actually do something about it. Because the darkness is always around, waiting for the next moment to call me out. I don't need others to call me out. I'm great at doing it alone. I wonder why I can't keep my life going as it is, it's all good. I should be fine. I should be happy. I should stop thinking about things that could harm this happiness I worked so hard for to find. Why am I upset? I feel like I'm upset for the sake of being upset. Why can't I just function normally? I feel like there is something inside me broken causing an error that is keeping me from functioning.
I don't have any big trauma. I don't understand where the darkness comes from. It is my companion, and no therapy and no meds will make it go away. I mean, I have sought professional help for more than ten years now. I wouldn't be here if I hadn't. My meds are cutting off the worst ends. I somehow mastered the art of pulling myself together to get things done, to work, to survive. But there are moments like this, when nothing makes sense anymore. How can I figure out my gender if I can't figure out what I am living for? Don't get me wrong, I don't need a deeper meaning of life to understand. I just wish I could say about myself that I know what I want and aim for it, to keep me going. I thought finding a job, having children and buying a house would be a good thing to go for. Now I don't know why I wanted these things in the first place. I thought maybe I could want to do all I can to make my family (mother, father and sibling) happy, that this was the main game for me. But I realized it's not a thing I can do. I can care about them, do my best for them, but they need me to be happy and self-confident and this is a thing that is complicated for me. I feel bad because they worry about me. I wanted to be the strong one, but I am not.
Now I am sitting here, talking about myself, and it feels ridiculous... I'm just messed up and whining, sorry, I'll stop now.

[Droomvlucht]

It's no use telling yourself how you should feel. You feel what you feel, it's as simple as that. Depressions don't make sense necessarily. Sometimes there's an obvious reason, often there is none.

Try to focus on the small things. Take that walk, look for the first signs of the spring and try to find three positive things each day before you go to sleep.

Take care.

[nyx]

Feb 23, 2021 2:48:47 GMT 8 Droomvlucht said:

It's no use telling yourself how you should feel. You feel what you feel, it's as simple as that. Depressions don't make sense necessarily. Sometimes there's an obvious reason, often there is none.

Try to focus on the small things. Take that walk, look for the first signs of the spring and try to find three positive things each day before you go to sleep.

Take care.

Thank you, you're right. It's already dark but I think I'll walk at least a bit, I mean it's not that I have anything better to do, so why not

[Leena]

Feb 23, 2021 2:27:34 GMT 8 nyx said:

I think I have silly feelings very often. When I posted here about my wish to transition, I felt so positive. But now, it's all gone. I think I won't ever have the guts to actually do something about it. Because the darkness is always around, waiting for the next moment to call me out. I don't need others to call me out. I'm great at doing it alone. I wonder why I can't keep my life going as it is, it's all good. I should be fine. I should be happy. I should stop thinking about things that could harm this happiness I worked so hard for to find. Why am I upset? I feel like I'm upset for the sake of being upset. Why can't I just function normally? I feel like there is something inside me broken causing an error that is keeping me from functioning.

This kind of reminds me of how I was like this for the 5 years or so before I started HRT. There were a lot of moments that I felt like everything was fine as it was, but the feeling just kept coming back.

Transitioning may or may not get rid of your depression. Mine mostly did go away, and somehow stayed away despite everything in the world getting worse soon after. It did make my life quite a bit more complicated, and I still think it was still worth it.

It's sometimes hard to know what is bothering you the most though if multiple things are bothering you. If you are trans or nonbinary, trying to live as your AGAB is plenty of reason to explain how you are feeling, even it is not a problem at times. Dysphoria comes in waves for a lot of people.

[Ativan Prescribed]

It's about the journey, about stepping forward despite feeling bogged down, to outlast even your own bullshit let alone what the world presents as its overall bullshit.
What matters is finding those things during the journey that make the difference, seeking out the clues as to why life is taking you along this path.
The biggest thing is to ignore the bullshit and look for the answers that are always there, depression is like going through life with blinders on, you only see what is in front of you and sorry it looks so shitty but look to the side, look back, just keep looking.
There is only one thing that you can be sure of and thats death, looking it square in the eye and taking no shit from it, it wants to eat away at you all the time and disguises the fact that it is your constant companion, but when you lose the fear it brings in the form of depression, it is merely there to turn to and ask if it is time, you don't get an answer because it isn't time and you will know when it is, there is no reason to rush into it by the slow death of depression, by seeing past it and seeing that life is everywhere and more so than death is, is the key to unmasking it for what it is.
Depression is a state of allowing the bad to live in the front of the good, we all have those very same things going on inside of us, but by forcing the good to the front, we look forward to those things on our journey that we can't possibly know are going to happen and be there, we search out those things.
It's like this, the more we look for the reasons to be depressed, the more we are, the more we look for the reason to not be, the less we are, its a way of thinking that places the emphasis on what might be good that is just around that corner up ahead instead of dwelling on what might be bad there.
While it makes sense to be aware that bad things can be there, it makes more sense that there is going to better or good, don't not step forward because there isn't a way to know what lies ahead, step more to find out, deal with whatever is there as it becomes a part of your journey.
It's like going on vacation and not looking out the windows as you travel along because you might not like what you see, the entire reason for taking the vacation trip is to see what there is and to experience the newness of it all, life is that very same way.
Taking a trip on a ship and never going outside to experience the sea air, staying inside and breathing the staleness that is there instead, because you might find the outside to be uncomfortable, it defies reason to not experience what is being offered.
The journey is the path we take, we choose which way to go when it branches off, we decide when to take the next step and how fast we take them, we stop to smell the roses and move on, we look up ahead and see the curve on the path, the hill in front of us, we step to that to find out what's on the other side, its an adventure and not just living, its the wonder of our lives and not just another day, its the discoveries we make about the world around us and about ourselves as we venture into the new.
Depression is something Ilive with on a constant basis, but just like death, I take it into advisement and then step past the bullshit it tries to use to bog me down, damn if I'm going to let it stop me from continuing on this path, this journey, there is always more to see and discover about the world and about me.
Depression is the garbage of things we collect as the universe flows past us, it becomes the stuff we felt was important at one time enough to grab on to it and carry it, it becomes the weight, it becomes the burden, the ability to cast off what we don't need gives us the opportunity to have less weight and less burden that we carry in life, it gives us the ability to pick up and grab onto new and better things, depression wants us to carry it all the time, it is our burden, by letting go of its grasp, we become light and able to move freely through the universe, our journey.
The burden is the effect that we call depression, it is the weight of life.
By looking carefully at what we have as weight, we can easily decide on what isn't necessary to just being, we can safely cast off what is simply the burden because by looking it over and deciding if it is something we need or not, getting rid of depression is as easy as making room for the new.

[Trinity]

Mine is low level, but most likely clinical mild drepression. But it's not always there, there are moments when I feel good, and when I do I am always surprised and then want to grab hold of that an not let go. Its like a thing in the back of my mind and I don't want to deal with it but I am aware of it.

And as I age it's harder to fight the body aches and pains, and again, with me its very minor, but I feel it, I've slowed way down and its not what I want.

I have to identify the offending thoughts, take them down, find the thought and then find the lie in the thought, or find a counter to the thought, find the truth that repels the thought, find the choice I can make to overcome it.

And outlasting the bullshit, the season, the feeling, is totally key. Waiting it out knowing it's going to change.

It's like last night and this morning, I was laying floor, one time I was happy laying the floor, the other, it was a chore and a drag. Same activity, same everything. One was doing it exhausted, and the other doing it fresh after mild excercize in the morning, just up and stretching, I haven't done a professional dance warm up in months. I need that back and its coming soon.

That feeling of being overwhelmed has taken me out, but that's going to pass too, have to wait out the season of hard work, wait for the season of recreation, its coming.

And avoiding the darned triggers is also key, for me.

I'm struggling tonight, its not depression, its just everything, but reality is, everything is fine, the body just was used past its ability to perform, and there's a thyroid problem now too, and its also shot night and that will have an affect, though that is no help to anyone here but me...

For me taking out the cognitive distortions is crucial, the all or nothing thinking, minimization or maximizing, the chronic thought patterns that feed depressive thinking. Awareness of it is the start, then taking it out is next, take it down just like if it was something that was attacking, slay it with the jeweled sword of truth.

Easily said, not so easily done, but it can be done.

Never give up. Too many of us lose their lives to it, and they don't have to. And getting the focus off ourselves and onto helping others, via whatever, including the forum, can help as well.

[nyx]

Feb 23, 2021 12:09:53 GMT 8 Leena said:

It's sometimes hard to know what is bothering you the most though if multiple things are bothering you. If you are trans or nonbinary, trying to live as your AGAB is plenty of reason to explain how you are feeling, even it is not a problem at times. Dysphoria comes in waves for a lot of people.

This really made me think.
Probably thoughts like 'why do I bother about my gender instead of being happy about the good things in my life' are just the result of well-trained self denial. My thoughts about it depend strongly on my mood which is constantly flipping due to my emotional instability. It got better than it was before, when I was younger, the flips were harder and more often. They seem to have gotten worse again due to my exploration of gender, though... I guess it's something that is very personal and makes me vulnerable, therefore my emotional stability decreases?
The inner coming out that I'm currently working on is hard. At least I understand now that I need a gender therapist to sort things out, and I won't deny that fact anymore. But the doubts are always there, sometimes they are stronger than my reasonable bits. I know that the doubts might be a part of myself forever, as I read a lot stories from trans people who carry these doubts even after years passing since physical transition.
This video helped me to get my head around things a bit. In the video, a gender therapist (who seems to be really cool and nonbinary-inclusive) talks about questions like 'how do I know that my feelings about my gender are real' and she says that by asking these questions to myself, it is quite likely that a part of me already knows that I am trans. If I wasn't uncomfortable with my assigned gender, I rather wouldn't have these thoughts (of course there might me exceptions, but it is likely that people who are fully relaxed about their assigned gender won't start questioning it in the first place). And these doubts might come from anxiously hoping that I am not trans which might derive from internalized transphobia. This made a lot of sense to me.
I think the stereotypical trans narrative is also bothering me. I mean I know somehow that it isn't my truth, but parts of me are telling me that I don't fit into it and therefore I can't be sure to be what I am feeling (aw this sounds weird but it's how I often feel and think, in rational moments it doesn't make sense at all lol) --- and sometimes it triggers me to read or watch videos about trans people telling they knew from early childhood on that something was wrong and when they hit puberty, they hated everything happening and when they learned about trans it all made sense so they knew they need to transition and after transition they could finally be their true selves --- and I have to accept that I am not like this.

Yes there were moments in my childhood in which I strongly wished to be 'born a boy'. But it was only because some things were not right for me, not because it was all bad. When looking back from where I am now, it is really interesting. I was lucky to grow up with my 2 years younger brother, we both were introverts so most of the time it was just the two of us. We had all kinds of toys so we played with cars as well as with cute animal figures, most of the time combined all the stuff. I remember that my favourite toy was a little bear, I named it Lilly. Lilly was a boy and I was very sure of it. My mom kept telling me that it's a girls name but I didn't care and kept saying, 'no it's not, Lilly is a he!'. Lilly had quite the size of a Shelly (you know, that child version of Barbie), so I could dress him with Shelly's stuff which was of course all girly stuff. It didn't make him less 'he' for me. (weirdly, this is very similar to my experience today: I feel strongly not-female but still like a lot of things that are considered 'feminine'.)
Maybe that's why I never considered myself to be trans - I am nonbinary trans, which is a term that I am still learning about. Binary gender rules don't work for me.
And the classic trans narrative is very binary. And even binary trans people often don't fit the narrative. It's stupid to think it must be like that, but I think we learn it from media and stuff so this is often our first approach to the issue. In the past, I often said about myself that in an alternate universe, I would be a gay man. And I can't explain why... maybe because I have this imagination of myself as male and I have always been into guys. But it never occured to me that I could be trans male. Maybe because I am nonbinary, maybe simply because I was raised as a she and can't really imagine fully cutting my she-ness off.
You see it's complicated and strange to me. There is a lot of things to sort out...

Anyway, I started this thread because I was thinking about my depression, now I am talking about my trans-ness (it's really in my head 24/7...). Thank you for your answers, I didn't comment them because I don't know what to say... so I just want to thank you for everything, I am happy to have you people to listen to my bullshit. I think the main reason for this thread was that I needed to get stuff off my chest (the saying feels equivocal to me, but this was not intended lol) by sharing it...

Hugs to all who like to be hugged! -Nyx

[Droomvlucht]

Feb 25, 2021 16:34:41 GMT 8 nyx said:

Yes there were moments in my childhood in which I strongly wished to be 'born a boy'. But it was only because some things were not right for me, not because it was all bad. When looking back from where I am now, it is really interesting. I was lucky to grow up with my 2 years younger brother, we both were introverts so most of the time it was just the two of us. We had all kinds of toys so we played with cars as well as with cute animal figures, most of the time combined all the stuff. I remember that my favourite toy was a little bear, I named it Lilly. Lilly was a boy and I was very sure of it. My mom kept telling me that it's a girls name but I didn't care and kept saying, 'no it's not, Lilly is a he!'. Lilly had quite the size of a Shelly (you know, that child version of Barbie), so I could dress him with Shelly's stuff which was of course all girly stuff. It didn't make him less 'he' for me. (weirdly, this is very similar to my experience today: I feel strongly not-female but still like a lot of things that are considered 'feminine'.)

Totally offtopic but it's funny and when you're depressive you need fun things in life too so I'm going to post it anyway: My daughter is really into dolls. And she has one that is totally pink. She named him 'Joep', which is a boy's name. Oh, you should see the faces of people when she mentions that his name is Joep. They're all like: okay, I must have misheard that. And my daughter is so casual about it, like: 'Yes his name is Joep why wouldn't it be?'

Feb 25, 2021 16:34:41 GMT 8 nyx said:

In the past, I often said about myself that in an alternate universe, I would be a gay man. And I can't explain why... maybe because I have this imagination of myself as male and I have always been into guys. But it never occured to me that I could be trans male. Maybe because I am nonbinary, maybe simply because I was raised as a she and can't really imagine fully cutting my she-ness off.

This is recognisable to me. Even though I have a wife. But I strongly feel that if I would have been born with a male body I would have been gay. But actually now I think that's just because I'd still have my non-binary gender identity.

[Ativan Prescribed]

It's about understanding yourself, and this is emotions and logic and everything in between, and think about this, how does just walking in say one room feel if you are wearing shoes or not?
It's about being aware of yourself and everything about self, its the flow and moving with it and taking it where it goes or finding the best part of it to be in.
It is never ever just one thing, it is everything that is going on around you and at the same time everything going on inside you, its how you react to this awareness, yours and the world around you.
Do you find yourself shutting down a lot of it? Could be the crap feeling is in not seeing the details of life, or on the other hand letting the garbage of it become something that controls your awareness.
Sometimes you can just ride the flow and other times you need to either move across it or find the better part of the flow to get you from here to there.
When you see yourself, do you see the real you or the you that you think you are, same for the world around you, do you see it as you want it to be or as it really is?
And you are a part of the world around you, there is cause and effect going on all the time, this is the flow.
Just know that you can pretty much just toss the things that are your weight that you always carry, if it lacks purpose or is not worth carrying it, maybe time to toss it and like I have said before, this allows you to pick up something new to carry.
It isn't that the weight is bad, its our backpack of reality, but go through it and see if there isn't something in there that isn't worth the extra weight it adds.

[Leena]

Feb 25, 2021 16:34:41 GMT 8 nyx said:

Feb 23, 2021 12:09:53 GMT 8 Leena said:

 But the doubts are always there, sometimes they are stronger than my reasonable bits. I know that the doubts might be a part of myself forever, as I read a lot stories from trans people who carry these doubts even after years passing since physical transition.

This video helped me to get my head around things a bit.

I tried pretty hard to be happy about good things in my life, and did a lot things to try to make my life better. While they would make me happy for a short time, I just kept coming back to feeling like I was living a life most guys would be happy with, but I wasn't like them.

I really liked that video. I have a lot less doubts than I did when I started exploring my gender, but I guess I still do have some.

[nyx]

Feb 25, 2021 16:50:49 GMT 8 Droomvlucht said:

Totally offtopic but it's funny and when you're depressive you need fun things in life too so I'm going to post it anyway: My daughter is really into dolls. And she has one that is totally pink. She named him 'Joep', which is a boy's name. Oh, you should see the faces of people when she mentions that his name is Joep. They're all like: okay, I must have misheard that. And my daughter is so casual about it, like: 'Yes his name is Joep why wouldn't it be?'

Awesome!
I think little children are much more relaxed about gender roles because they are not that deep inside the binary matrix (yet)... I used to think that I didn't understand gender rules back then, but now I guess it's a bit vice versa as the truth is that these rules are only one way to perceive gender, and this way is wrong for me and many others... no, I think it's wrong for all, I think people can be binary cis and still abolish the premise that only binary genders exist. So children can teach us things about the gender world that we might have unlearned due to the binary matrix.

Feb 26, 2021 2:46:07 GMT 8 Ativan Prescribed said:

It's about understanding yourself, and this is emotions and logic and everything in between, and think about this, how does just walking in say one room feel if you are wearing shoes or not?
It's about being aware of yourself and everything about self, its the flow and moving with it and taking it where it goes or finding the best part of it to be in.
It is never ever just one thing, it is everything that is going on around you and at the same time everything going on inside you, its how you react to this awareness, yours and the world around you.
Do you find yourself shutting down a lot of it? Could be the crap feeling is in not seeing the details of life, or on the other hand letting the garbage of it become something that controls your awareness.
Sometimes you can just ride the flow and other times you need to either move across it or find the better part of the flow to get you from here to there.
When you see yourself, do you see the real you or the you that you think you are, same for the world around you, do you see it as you want it to be or as it really is?
And you are a part of the world around you, there is cause and effect going on all the time, this is the flow.
Just know that you can pretty much just toss the things that are your weight that you always carry, if it lacks purpose or is not worth carrying it, maybe time to toss it and like I have said before, this allows you to pick up something new to carry.
It isn't that the weight is bad, its our backpack of reality, but go through it and see if there isn't something in there that isn't worth the extra weight it adds.

So much truth in your words.
My depression is like the part of myself who can perceive *everything* in a way that it's bad and frustrating. Even purely positve details are making me sad when I'm depressed. Like I see a cute animal and instead of being amazed by it, I imagine it suffering or dead. (I mean, I know why this is. I experienced a lot of animal suffering through my own experiences but also through media and have nightmares about it on a regular basis, can't remember a time it wasn't like this. My time as an animal rights activist made it even worse, that's the main reason why I stopped being an activist. But I need to have living animals around me to feel complete, therefore I live with rescued cats.)
I want to see my process of finding out about my gender as a positive weight in my backpack. This metaphor is very helpful... it is not easy to carry, but it is part of my world and my truth so it is important to carry it. I might drop some things that are not worth carrying instead.
About finding the best parts... I think maybe I can see my gender as a tool. Like glasses: I need it to see things in a different light. There is something many binary trans people describe which I think can easily be transferred to a nonbinary perspective: transition is a change of one of your social roles. Traits everyone has are often percieved differently depending on your read gender, like a person with a dominant manner can be bossy if read as woman but a good leader if read as man. It's just stereotypes, but stereotypes make our social system work as people reproduce them all the time, so it makes sense to take a closer look at it: personal traits that I might find weird or unfitting right now might feel like this because there is a incongruity with my assigned gender - which means the expectations that are connected to it as social gender consists mostly of expectations. By changing my way to view my gender, I can change my perception of self at all. So maybe I feel less alien if I start to understand that these things are somewhat connected to gender or at least my expectations of gender.
Understanding and accepting (!) my gender identity would then be like putting glasses on: what was indistinct before, becomes clear then.
But to me this is all just theoretical thinking at the moment, as I see myself in the middle of the process and not knowing the exact outcome yet (although I have my guesses...)

Feb 26, 2021 9:55:32 GMT 8 Leena said:

I tried pretty hard to be happy about good things in my life, and did a lot things to try to make my life better. While they would make me happy for a short time, I just kept coming back to feeling like I was living a life most guys would be happy with, but I wasn't like them.

This is pretty much how I feel! My life could be perfect, it is in some ways. I think there are people who would pray to have a life like mine. But to me, it feels like something is still wrong or missing...

[Ativan Prescribed]

When you realize that there are no real rules to gender and that the 'rules' of society are not rules but a way to make people conform to society it becomes much easier to ignore them.
You are not breaking rules, you are ignoring them, there is a huge difference and its like the perceived things that society places on itself, there are no gender police, there are no fashion police, and the expectations that somehow you will be judged is not really so, those people are simply judging themselves.
Don't make expectations of evolving gender for yourself, its like any and all expectations, once you have them, you expect yourself to comply with them.
Gender is something that evolves and there is no way you can know the outcome of it and because it is constantly evolving just as you are with everything, expectations are in the box thinking, step out of that box and be free to choose without expectations.
Others expectations for you are their problem, nobody has the right to project their own expectations on to others, if someone says that you need to conform to this or that societal expectation, ask them if those expectations are theirs or are they simply being the police when nobody asked them to be.
Just like all of the things that society thinks is a truism, none of it is, society evolves just like everyone does, to hang onto expectations is stifling society by trying to conform it to perceived expectations that are not real, if we are to evolve, we have to get past this need to live in caves and make cave paintings, which those people who made them might have never made them at all in the first place because of some expectation of not painting on the cave walls was a good idea, probably pushed on others because they were for shit when it came to being able to paint something others appreciated.
In this country the sheep/pigs republicans would like you to just sit down and return to the good old days of fifties television sitcoms, because to them those were the good old days and everything was right in the world, not like having to do the weekly the russians are nuking us sit under your desk with your head between your legs and kiss you ass goodbye, that it was illegal for blacks in many places to vote, women were looked down on for being in the workforce, cars emitted blue smoke from the exhaust and we were well on our way to polluting not only this country but the entire freaking world, because what was good for General Motors was good for the country slogans and all that big lie they always told everyone, as if making the stockholders rich was why we are here, society is evolving because it has to, because the people who think they are in charge are not really, they were asked to be leaders and not to tell us how where what to be doing that they liked, its about the people and polls indicate that nobody gives a rats ass what some politicians personal beliefs are, they are there for ours, to see to it that society as in the people evolve to make the world a better place, not elect assholes like trump and putin and any other would be dictator to run our lives, these are the true enemies of mankind, those who think they are rulers, when all that was asked is be leaders, and not lead us down the wrong paths, but they do and all in the name of some faceless rich people who think their shit doesn't stink, when I think about how they are rotting from the inside out, how can it not stink even more?
These are the people who push their expectations out there and make up stupid phrases like societal rules, they also make up stupid rules for engagement in battles with soldiers they send out there to die for them, if there is one thing, just one thing the world can do without, its armed forces and borders, both of which the people who claim we have to defend them at all costs is the people who benefit from all the money society wastes on killing others in other countries on the other side of borders, when its our money and it should be spent on just making the world a better place, the only danger to society having open borders or no borders at all is a better world that doesn't need politicians telling us we have to penalize those people on the other side of borders with weapons that they profit from and that profit is our money they insist that we pay so they can keep up the charade of it all.