inherit
975
0
Mar 23, 2021 16:00:34 GMT 8
47
Droomvlucht
76
Dec 28, 2020 0:25:44 GMT 8
December 2020
droomvlucht
|
Post by Droomvlucht on Feb 14, 2021 2:43:51 GMT 8
I thought this deserved a thread on its own.
What coping mechanisms would you like to get rid of? What coping mechanisms have you gotten rid of? And how did you do that? Any advice?
When I feel unsecure, I laugh. I realise it's a coping mechanism that's not good for me but I just don't know how to change it. In my experience it just happens, it's not something I can control. I can't even think clear at those moments. So what to do apart from avoiding situations?
|
|
inherit
975
0
Mar 23, 2021 16:00:34 GMT 8
47
Droomvlucht
76
Dec 28, 2020 0:25:44 GMT 8
December 2020
droomvlucht
|
Post by Droomvlucht on Feb 14, 2021 3:39:03 GMT 8
Oh and I have another one: my first reaction is always no. No, I can't do that. No, that's not possible. No, we can't change that. No, no, no. It's like I'm saying no to life, I realised last year, and it's a bit ironic that this is the time when you have the least opportunities to change something, due to covid. Or maybe I needed a pandemic to realise I should try to think in possibilities more. I am making progress though, and that's mainly because of my job. It makes a huge difference to have people around you who believe in you. The only complicated thing is that in my job it's also quite important to say no a lot, so I am partly good at my job because of my fantastic ability to say no while I am also trying to do that less. But collecting positive experiences is key here, it makes it easier to find confidence in myself.
The coping skill of saying no has brought me a lot though. I didn't ever do stupid things like drinking too much for example, and in general you need people who can look at the good things we already have in stead of keep trying new things just because movement seems better than standing still. It also helped me to get out of my eating disorder. When you just don't do much, don't need to do scary things, you also won't have that many stress, and the only way for me to eat again was to eliminate the stress. So in that stage of my life it was good.
What I think is really difficult in changing this one is that it's a huge part of my identity. If you'd ask people to describe me they'd probably say I am very scared of everything but also joke a lot about it. And I like to be funny. So what if I actually wouldn't be so scared anymore and say no all the time, I wouldn't even know how to communicate with others.
|
|
inherit
131
0
1
May 4, 2024 5:00:59 GMT 8
7,160
Trinity
DES Trans
14,578
Nov 5, 2015 13:41:59 GMT 8
November 2015
trinity
Non-Binary
Sh'e, H'er, they them, she, he, whatever....
Bisexual
Faithfully Married.
|
Post by Trinity on Feb 14, 2021 3:51:51 GMT 8
I play people. Like an instrument. To get the response I want. I become whoever they want me to be, in that moment. In some ways, I have stopped doing this as much. Maybe even just stopped it. It was a survival mech in a hostile environment. It was a way to stop people from getting mad at each other, or mad at me.
In the old days, booze, sex, drugs, rock and roll.
Now its rock and roll and horsepower and joyrides and music. All healthy outlets.
Laughter was always a way, I would and still do reduce people to laughing puddles, I love to laugh, I love getting toll booth operators destroyed laughing, never at me, but at something really funny, I just have a way of doing it spontaneously. I do it all the time talking to insurance people or whatever. Bring joy, make them laugh.
Anything to escape the pain inside me that never seems to leave, but sometimes it does and I get thrown by it when it does, when I have a period of hours of spontaneous happy, I cherish it, I want to hold onto it, and I am frightened of it being taken away. I was diagnosed as a mild depressive, whether true or not I don't know but its been pretty constant by multiple shrinks. So things that take me out of that I do.
And I help people and share what I have learned.
The forum, here, is a gigantic coping mech for me. Hense over 13000 posts. Who the heck posts 13,000 times in 7 years. But it makes me feel better, so I do it.
|
|
inherit
131
0
1
May 4, 2024 5:00:59 GMT 8
7,160
Trinity
DES Trans
14,578
Nov 5, 2015 13:41:59 GMT 8
November 2015
trinity
Non-Binary
Sh'e, H'er, they them, she, he, whatever....
Bisexual
Faithfully Married.
|
Post by Trinity on Feb 14, 2021 5:51:35 GMT 8
Detachment.
The art of not emotionally attaching to the Matrix. To other people, when necessary, or more to their behavious, so you love them but not what they do (to you, to themselves, to others).
Its a tool not easy to use, but a powerful one.
Living in the day, or the moment, is another tool.
There's a lot of great tools we can use to cope. And the other question is.... what is it that we are coping with? Dysphoria? Loved ones? The Matrix? Depression?
There are likely to be different tools and techniques for each situation.
I suppose in a way, most of the post on the forum are about coping.
|
|
inherit
975
0
Mar 23, 2021 16:00:34 GMT 8
47
Droomvlucht
76
Dec 28, 2020 0:25:44 GMT 8
December 2020
droomvlucht
|
Post by Droomvlucht on Feb 15, 2021 0:57:39 GMT 8
There are likely to be different tools and techniques for each situation. I suppose in a way, most of the post on the forum are about coping. Good point. Sometimes I wonder if dysphoria/thinking about myself as non-binary on itself is a coping mechanism for me. To distract myself from the fact that I fail/am an unsympathetic person/have too little character/I don't know. If I fail in life, if I'm too weak to change myself for the better, then I could use being non-binary as an explanation or even an excuse. Something like that. It would be better if I could gain more self confidence I guess. My guess would be now that I'd still identify as non-binary and would still have dysphoric feelings but then I could own that.
|
|
inherit
131
0
1
May 4, 2024 5:00:59 GMT 8
7,160
Trinity
DES Trans
14,578
Nov 5, 2015 13:41:59 GMT 8
November 2015
trinity
Non-Binary
Sh'e, H'er, they them, she, he, whatever....
Bisexual
Faithfully Married.
|
Post by Trinity on Feb 15, 2021 1:36:10 GMT 8
There are likely to be different tools and techniques for each situation. I suppose in a way, most of the post on the forum are about coping. Good point. Sometimes I wonder if dysphoria/thinking about myself as non-binary on itself is a coping mechanism for me. To distract myself from the fact that I fail/am an unsympathetic person/have too little character/I don't know. If I fail in life, if I'm too weak to change myself for the better, then I could use being non-binary as an explanation or even an excuse. Something like that. It would be better if I could gain more self confidence I guess. My guess would be now that I'd still identify as non-binary and would still have dysphoric feelings but then I could own that. That could distract you from the root issues by focussing your mind on somthing else, which is something I do, but the root issues don't go away. They will have to be dealt with no matter what the gender issues are.
One of the reasons, and I am not saying you do this, that people manufacture a crisis or cause one, is that they only feel comfortable dealing with the crisis, they don't know how to cope with peace and happiness because it is not familiar to them and is therefore uncomfortable. And a crisis can be much more comfortable than dealing with denial and facing the truth and accepting it, I personally can be a master avoider, and had to learn to take that on.
The acronym for fear is "Face Everything And Recover". The other one, that most people do instead is "F*** Everything And Run".
You can guess which one works, because what you do not face, you will face again, but what you overcome, you overcome forever.
Faith is a huge thing as well, and is actually the first place to go.
|
|
inherit
975
0
Mar 23, 2021 16:00:34 GMT 8
47
Droomvlucht
76
Dec 28, 2020 0:25:44 GMT 8
December 2020
droomvlucht
|
Post by Droomvlucht on Feb 15, 2021 3:07:19 GMT 8
One of the reasons, and I am not saying you do this, that people manufacture a crisis or cause one, is that they only feel comfortable dealing with the crisis, they don't know how to cope with peace and happiness because it is not familiar to them and is therefore uncomfortable. And a crisis can be much more comfortable than dealing with denial and facing the truth and accepting it, I personally can be a master avoider, and had to learn to take that on. I certainly do this. I recognise it especially from work too. I'm at best when there is a crisis. When there's not much to do because everything is going fine I just get so nervous, that I nearly love it when there's a problem to solve again, haha. Last year (2019, I mean) was a great year for me. Our second daughter had been born, work was going fine, everything was just going okay. And I got so restless. I even applied to another job, because the only thing that didn't seem perfect was the fact that I had to travel very long each day (3,5 - 4 hours a day). This job was only 10 minutes by bike. I got the job, but I rejected, because suddenly I thought: why am I even doing this? Why can't I just enjoy this relatively peaceful period in my life? I don't need a life event each year (or two, as my daughter had been born), it's okay if for a while nothing big happens. Let's just focus on what I have and enjoy that. But I still had this terrible feeling that this couldn't go on forever, that something bad would happen. I was still restless, and I still felt unhappy at work, but I also felt that this was the right choice. And then my youngest ended up at intensive care and two weeks later our country went into lockdown and I just had been right all along, I should have enjoyed the happiness when it was there, because suddenly everything was a lot of worry. I should have, but I couldn't. Well, a bit. I got a coach at work at that time, and I told her about my dysphoria and non-binary feelings and her reaction was that I could better look for a real psychologist and even though I got that I was also nearly offended. Because it felt like she thought non-binary feelings are a problem on itself, while my whole point had been that for me it's fine to feel dysphoric once in a while, that non-binary may be a part of my identity but not necessarily a problematic part. At this point I'm not sure what I actually wanted to say, I'm sorry Well, then the question is: how to get faith?
|
|
inherit
131
0
1
May 4, 2024 5:00:59 GMT 8
7,160
Trinity
DES Trans
14,578
Nov 5, 2015 13:41:59 GMT 8
November 2015
trinity
Non-Binary
Sh'e, H'er, they them, she, he, whatever....
Bisexual
Faithfully Married.
|
Post by Trinity on Feb 15, 2021 3:41:50 GMT 8
Well, then the question is: how to get faith? That would be best addressed in the religion and spirituality section of the board. I am a very strong Christian, and my responses would be directly related to that experience. There are a number of threads in that area of the forum. But the short answer is, Ask God for it.
|
|
inherit
131
0
1
May 4, 2024 5:00:59 GMT 8
7,160
Trinity
DES Trans
14,578
Nov 5, 2015 13:41:59 GMT 8
November 2015
trinity
Non-Binary
Sh'e, H'er, they them, she, he, whatever....
Bisexual
Faithfully Married.
|
Post by Trinity on Feb 15, 2021 3:44:16 GMT 8
Droomvlucht said: for me it's fine to feel dysphoric once in a while, that non-binary may be a part of my identity but not necessarily a problematic part. That is a gift....
|
|
inherit
60
0
1
May 4, 2024 9:00:30 GMT 8
4,661
Ativan Prescribed
8,469
Jan 9, 2015 10:22:46 GMT 8
January 2015
ativanprescribed
|
Post by Ativan Prescribed on Feb 15, 2021 12:21:31 GMT 8
Facing fear is in knowing what fear is and having a developed way of calming and dealing with it, overcome, adapt, step into it and move it to the side, get it out of the way of the task at hand. Fear is basically just a reaction that you have of something not in your control, unknown outcomes, shitty possibilities as an outcome. In knowing what it is and not reacting to it in the usual ways that most often people do, you can overcome it by having faith in yourself, that you will do what is needed at the moment. The ultimate fear is of your impending death, but like all the different ways you have fear, death is by far the biggest, but consider that you are, like everyone is, on your way to your death all the time, it just comes down to a matter of when. Some people use fear as a way of defining pain of some sort, but when we manifest pain as the basis of our fear, we are extrapolating the future into it, even un times of pain, fear can be pushed to the back, you step away from it and deal with the now. Fear is almost always based on a this or that and we see it not as in the now or moment but in the future, when depends on what it is that you are anticipating, fear is the anticipation. Look past it and become in the moment, in the now, and act accordingly, do what you need to not become that future, step into it, step past it. Virtually everyone and anyone can overcome fear, it is a reaction and by reacting to it we intensify it, by not reacting to it, we step past it, we do this by faith in ourselves, it is being in the moment and not a future that hasn't happened yet.
|
|
nyx
Full Member
Posts: 175
Gender: FTM Non-Binary
Pronouns: He/His/Him
Orientation: Queer
inherit
918
0
Feb 7, 2022 13:19:36 GMT 8
231
nyx
175
Oct 1, 2020 21:28:50 GMT 8
October 2020
nyx
FTM Non-Binary
He/His/Him
Queer
|
Post by nyx on Feb 15, 2021 16:31:39 GMT 8
Tough one, this thread.
Coping mechanisms I would like to get rid of: - saying yes even if I would prefer to say no. I want to be of help to everyone, so I often can't bring myself to say no if asked for something even if it is too much for me. I somehow try to manage it all, and then feel stressed. - I, too, laugh when I feel uncomfortable or insecure. It annoys me but I can't stop it... - stress-eating. My weight has reached the definetely-not-healthy area and I feel so shitty about it... - self-denial. It has been my no. 1 survival strategy and is still a big part of me. It destroys me from the inside but makes me able to cope with hardships. I think it's my most dangerous coping mechanism.
What do I do to get rid of them? Not sure. I'm on antidepressants and seeing someone to talk, trying to figure things out. I started intermittent fasting last week because I couldn't stand to ignore my overweight anymore. I'll see where this will get me... I think most of my 'bad' coping mechanisms are connected to my damaged soul (by which I mean the mental illnesses) and I think I have to gain a more healthy relationship to my self.
I am not religious, so I can't offer any good comments on faith. I think if one has a strong belief, it can be a good thing and help. But if you are a convinced atheist like me, you'll have to figure out other ways of helpful thinking.
To me, it is not a problem to find helpful thoughts, it's more the process to bring thoughts into emotions. There is a thinking part of myself that understands a lot of things and knows that I don't need to deny myself, that it is wrong to hate myself. But there is also the part that is more emotion-guided and keeps saying otherwise.
As you have pointed out, there are also coping mechanisms that are not harmful and maybe a strategy to get rid of the bad ones could be to replace them with healthy strategies. I think this is much about self-care and gaining a better understanding of our personal truths. The goal would be to use positive thinking and helpful ressources in moments I would usually come up with my dangerous coping mechanisms.
ideas: - in situations I should not say yes, say no in a constructive sort of way -> not just no, but with giving an idea how things could work differently. example: 'no, I can't do this now, but you might ask xy, they might help you' OR just say NO because others do it all the time DAMMIT. - the laughing thing is hard.. no idea here, maybe work on being less insecure? - instead of stress eating, finding better ways to get rid of stress - to get rid of self denial... well I'll have to work on more self acceptance / self love
other positive ways to cope: - reading and posting in this forum. it helps a lot to have the chance to talk about things in a safe setting. there are many things I don't talk about elsewhere so it is good to have this place. talking is already a helpful thing. feeling heard and accepted is another big help. - reading helpful books. similar to reading posts here, it helps me to get my head around stuff and feel less alone. - doing positive things in general. everything that makes me feel better is helpful to become stronger, I guess.
|
|