nonbinary matrix breaking

[Trinity]

In what way do you break the gender matrix, the binary...

What is it about you that is different from the traditional binary way of living?

[kalima]

I am both female and male at the same time. And it isn't that those genders don't mean anything to me nor that I am somewhere in the middle. I am one person who is both. While I was away from this forum for about six months, I spent a lot of time in Second Life as purely female. It was amazing to truly get to know my female self operating completely as female, as a balance to spending most of my life identifying with my male self. But recently, I have been drawn back from the imaginal and into real life, and the synthesis of my male and female. I am moving from coming out to myself to coming out to others. For the first time I am considering my look, planning tattoos and piercings, scouring the thrift shops for clothes from ALL aisles I am drawn to, looking at pictures of the stylish and sexy androgynous models and pinning looks I am drawn to, and experimenting with hairstyles.

Being both female and male is way out of the binary matrix mindset of being one or the other. More and more, people are wrapping their minds around trans. But I am not a trans woman. I am both. And as the pandemic stops limiting us, I will be showing up as a synthesis of both. Fear and excitement feel almost identical in the body, and I identifying the feelings in my gut more and more as excitement.

[Trinity]

Feb 14, 2021 9:35:39 GMT 8 kalima said:

I am both female and male at the same time. And it isn't that those genders don't mean anything to me nor that I am somewhere in the middle. I am one person who is both. While I was away from this forum for about six months, I spent a lot of time in Second Life as purely female. It was amazing to truly get to know my female self operating completely as female, as a balance to spending most of my life identifying with my male self. But recently, I have been drawn back from the imaginal and into real life, and the synthesis of my male and female. I am moving from coming out to myself to coming out to others. For the first time I am considering my look, planning tattoos and piercings, scouring the thrift shops for clothes from ALL aisles I am drawn to, looking at pictures of the stylish and sexy androgynous models and pinning looks I am drawn to, and experimenting with hairstyles.

Being both female and male is way out of the binary matrix mindset of being one or the other. More and more, people are wrapping their minds around trans. But I am not a trans woman. I am both. And as the pandemic stops limiting us, I will be showing up as a synthesis of both. Fear and excitement feel almost identical in the body, and I identifying the feelings in my gut more and more as excitement.

Love it.

I was always different.  I could never get to that place where "trans woman" fit.  It just doesn't, with me.  I can do androgyne, that's ok I guess but it fails totally on some levels for sure.  Nonbinary, that fits.

Uplifting post for me, so positive.

Kalima I wonder if I am over-sharing, dominating the board too much.  Should I be stepping back, or are there so few of us that it really helps to have it weigh in?  I wish more people would comment.

That balance thing is big with me, in the beginning of the journey it was a wild ride, it took a while for the balance to be there, the simultaneousness of it all.

[Leena]

I don't know that I am breaking the binary or if that's something I ever wanted. Trans woman fits me more and more as I do guy mode less and less. Guy mode was useful for me to fall back on while I slowly explored all of this, but much less so now. I can see retiring it someday and just living as a woman.

I didn't really see that as a possibility when this journey started. I'm not all that great with finding balance. I might step back myself if the pandemic ever does stop limiting us, to explore things in the real world as I am now.

[Droomvlucht]

Feb 14, 2021 9:47:35 GMT 8 Trinity said:

Kalima I wonder if I am over-sharing, dominating the board too much.  Should I be stepping back, or are there so few of us that it really helps to have it weigh in?  I wish more people would comment.

I'm not Kalima but I'd say 'no you don't'. Yes, your presence is quite notable here, and yes, it would be nice if other people would comment more, but it's up to that people to do that and if there aren't any we can't do anything about it and if they don't feel like it then they're free to do that, but that shouldn't be a reason for you to post less.

Feb 14, 2021 9:35:39 GMT 8 kalima said:

I am moving from coming out to myself to coming out to others.

Nicely said. I think I'm still coming out to myself. Apparently that's taking me 20 years🙈

[kalima]

Feb 14, 2021 9:47:35 GMT 8 Trinity said:

Feb 14, 2021 9:35:39 GMT 8 kalima said:

Kalima I wonder if I am over-sharing, dominating the board too much.  Should I be stepping back, or are there so few of us that it really helps to have it weigh in?  I wish more people would comment.

I adore your input, Trinity. So as long as it does not become too burdensome for you, please continue! You have developed much wisdom from your journey and I am glad you have a platform to share it.

[Trinity]

Feb 15, 2021 7:20:02 GMT 8 kalima said:

Feb 14, 2021 9:47:35 GMT 8 Trinity said:

Kalima I wonder if I am over-sharing, dominating the board too much.  Should I be stepping back, or are there so few of us that it really helps to have it weigh in?  I wish more people would comment.

I adore your input, Trinity. So as long as it does not become too burdensome for you, please continue! You have developed much wisdom from your journey and I am glad you have a platform to share it.

I live for it, in some ways, but not at the expense of others or domination.

Thanks

Everyone here has a lot to give, even if they don't think so.

[nyx]

Shit, I wrote some interesting stuff and then by accident clicked the wrong place so now it's all gone.   So, next try...
I have been avoiding this thread because I wanted to read some other answers first because I was in shy mode (sorry I'm weird sometimes...).
There are strong emotions connected to the whole process of me realizing that the binary that is part of myself as it is an element of my socialization, my education, doesn't fit with my personality, my experience of gender or maybe rather my experience of lack of gender as I see it at the moment. For many years, it wasn't even a thing to question: there are girls/women and boys/men. Maybe not everyone fits in every stereotype but this is why it's called stereotypes.

When I started to learn about gender studies, I didn't understand much. I understood that women have a history of being discriminated and this is a bad thing. I understood there are people who are transgender and I didn't fully understand why it was so important to them but I thought it is a bad thing to discriminate them for it because I thought they should be and live as they please. Anyone should. I learned that gender norms are made up by social processes and therefore we should not care too much about them. But that the binary is, in itself, not the whole story, that I, personally, would find myself to not fit into it? I had no idea.

Feb 11, 2021 11:46:23 GMT 8 Trinity said:

In what way do you break the gender matrix, the binary...

What is it about you that is different from the traditional binary way of living?

So in a way, finding out that I am nonbinary was the first crack in the wall, the matrix.
Now, I am somewhat flipping between feeling hurt by the matrix and feeling free from it. Both are results of breaking it, step by step. I think I am in the middle of deconstructing it.
It hurts because I have the feeling of losing something. To reproduce a system that is already there and most of the others seem to agree with, is in many ways easier than breaking out of it. The binary is deeply webbed into the fabric of our society. Therefore, if you fit into it, you are rewarded. You can get the reward even if you are not fully fitting in, by playing your role. If the role is not your true self, in feels like a cage. Then it can be a great source of freedom and happiness to overcome the status quo and start being yourself. Your true self. My true self. To me, the matrix feels like a cage, but one I've spent many years in. I made it my home. To overcome the matrix, to become my true self, I have to leave the cage. Which means, in a way, to leave a place that used to be my home. Hence, the feeling of loss. But at the same time, the feeling that I need to leave because I need to be free. 

Feb 14, 2021 9:35:39 GMT 8 kalima said:

I am moving from coming out to myself to coming out to others.

I think I caused myself a lot of pain because I mixed these things up. I am not sure about everything yet, but tried to come out to different people and it went bad because I was not ready. The part of me that wants to overcome the matrix to be free is sometimes a bit naive and wants to come out to everyone even if not knowing as what exactly. But I need to come out to myself before I can come out to others.

If I were to describe in which ways I don't fit into the binary, I'd say I went through some stages and don't know where this path will end,but it looks somehow like this:
- I felt unsure if I was a woman or rather nonbinary
- I started to find aspects of my personality and my past that didn't fit into the binary: my wish to be a boy, my feeling disturbed by the bodily changes during puberty, my feeling of not belonging...
- I thought I am going nuts because I suddenly felt completely insecure about myself
- I realized that feeling insecure was nothing new
- Trying to come out to people as nonbinary
- Feeling not accepted and misunderstood, resulting in feeling a lot of shame and wondering if I was just messud up
- I found myself dreaming of transitioning to a more gender neutral body
- I was scared by these wishes and ideas
- I thought I might be trans male
- I came to the conclusion that I am not trans male, but not 'not trans' - I think I am trans*, probably trans nonbinary
- I thought I have to get other things in life done before worrying about transition
- I thought a lot about gender and now think I am neither male nor female and maybe I have no gender at all
- Sometimes I think it doesn't matter - Most of the time I think it is very important.

All these things are somewhat my battle against the matrix, and it is not over yet...