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Post by Leena on Feb 12, 2021 11:27:47 GMT 8
I might still have some issues with feeling ashamed. Although present how I want publicly, I'm always in the fear of being confronted and not being able to stand up for myself verbally. I think that's why I'm so hesitant to apply for work.
I really have only talked about being trans with a few medical professionals. Posting online isn't really the same as talking. I can really take my time answering, whereas in person and especially on an interview you are expected to answer immediately.
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kalima
New Member
Posts: 45
Gender: Non-binary / pangender
Presentation: Androgynous
Presentation: Androgynous
Pronouns: They/Their/Them
Pronouns: Depends on context
Orientation: Pansexual
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kalima
Non-binary / pangender
Androgynous
Androgynous
They/Their/Them
Depends on context
Pansexual
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Post by kalima on Feb 12, 2021 15:10:14 GMT 8
So daring to be more of self in public is a huge step, it confronts the fear, but imo before that step is taken, there has to be security in being who you are, who God designed you to be, which only you know the answer to. It is a very complicated question. Clearly you know of the mix and the crosswiring in the body, which I share with you. So once you have security in your self, the question is whether you are up to the battle. Are you ready for it, or not?
Loved your whole response, Trinity. The excerpt above is the crux of it. I am in the process of facing this down: "Am I ready for it, or not?" I know I am way closer to it than I was six months ago. I came back here because I know I will need allies, and that I can trust you and Ativan and Leena and now there are several others active in this forum. Part of it, too, is that this forum is age-diverse. I am on the "mature" side, and like some of you I spent decades hiding important parts of myself (except maybe Ativan, who has always fearlessly expressed, from the best I can tell). You have important perspectives for me. And I also look forward to connecting with some of the younger participants who can remind me that the world is different than when I was younger. We all share a lot of the same struggles. I hope I can be a support for all of you, too.
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Post by Droomvlucht on Feb 12, 2021 17:04:06 GMT 8
I've thought about the shaving legs. It's a perfect example. Each autumn/winter/spring I say to myself that I won't shave my legs ever again. That it makes me feel better not to, that it's just a stupid cultural convention that I should and that it's better for my skin not to.
And then a heatwave comes or maybe I'm on a holiday and will swim, and I collapse. I always do. I'm not the kind of person that can go unnoticed with not shaving, and I'm just too ashamed. What will people think, I worry, what if they make a remark, what if they think me gross? I shouldn't care, but I do. Basically the same kind of thoughts @leena describes.
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Post by Ativan Prescribed on Feb 13, 2021 9:03:02 GMT 8
When asked a question about shit that really isn't others business, the correct response is "So, what's your point?" and them walk away or change the subject back to the relevant conversation or just stare without blinking or maybe the slow blink, that's as good as an eyeroll.
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Trinity
DES Trans
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Nov 5, 2015 13:41:59 GMT 8
November 2015
trinity
Non-Binary
Sh'e, H'er, they them, she, he, whatever....
Bisexual
Faithfully Married.
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Post by Trinity on Feb 13, 2021 11:28:18 GMT 8
Responding kind of to everyone here....
I know how to fly the Matrix, what works for me. I was amused today because I was not "out", was raking leaves for someone, paid gig there, and she accidently she'd me and then corrected herself to he me instead. I didn't say anything and I was a bit surprised and rather pleased by the slip. She is far far right, as far as I know, very nice, has said nothing, and must have noticed that I am different. She also knows I was carrying a snake gun because I told her that if I encountered any, I was going to shoot it.
I don't fit any of the stereotypes, don't want to, and am very comfortable in being who I am. I don't need to be out in public in a dress, but I do need to be out in public without being concious of body language or posturing or playing the game. I refuse to play it.
It just got really easy to be myself, and then when I get home, I can slip into something comfortable, and be relaxed.
It just all became very easy, nothing fake, just being and enjoying living as best as I can.
There were no conversations about politics or about anything else, the best thing I can do personally for the trans community is be myself without appology or fear, I don;t have to flaunt it, all I need to do is be me. Their reactions are their business, I just don't seem to have problems here.
The only folk that messed with me in business wound up in serious deep shit with the owner of the company that was my client. She was livid.
Does help to have allies, for sure. And at that place I wore heavy mascara, feathered earings, a pretty low cut shirt, knee high boots, and a whole lot of bracelets. I was as NB in appearence as you can get and stoked on hormones and heavy into trans puberty. It was nerve wracking for sure, but it was worth it, and by being publically out like that, it did cause the formation in the business associations in Orlando of some basic stuff that protected trans folk, it went pretty high because nobody at the time knew what to do at that level, they had never encountered a transitioning transperson in the workplace there before, not in the construction field.
By facing the fear and being myself, the ripple affect was huge and changed perceptions, instead of ru pauls drag race, they were confronted with the living truth of what trans is and can look like, totally different from what they expected.
But it took being me to do it, and getting past the fear. Ativan remembers those days and Leena probably does too, I was right on the edge, no lie there, its incredibly stressful to do it.
Eventually on an nb presentation I just kind of bulldoze my way through it. In the theater, among audience members, it get in your face kind of thing, that is not so easy. THere is no conequences for the bigotted to be assholes if we are all in an audience, and it seems that the older generations are the ones I have the most trouble with "in the wild".
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Trinity
DES Trans
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Nov 5, 2015 13:41:59 GMT 8
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trinity
Non-Binary
Sh'e, H'er, they them, she, he, whatever....
Bisexual
Faithfully Married.
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Post by Trinity on Feb 13, 2021 12:00:17 GMT 8
I've thought about the shaving legs. It's a perfect example. Each autumn/winter/spring I say to myself that I won't shave my legs ever again. That it makes me feel better not to, that it's just a stupid cultural convention that I should and that it's better for my skin not to. And then a heatwave comes or maybe I'm on a holiday and will swim, and I collapse. I always do. I'm not the kind of person that can go unnoticed with not shaving, and I'm just too ashamed. What will people think, I worry, what if they make a remark, what if they think me gross? I shouldn't care, but I do. Basically the same kind of thoughts @leena describes. One of the most stunning people I know is an nb on hormones that was afab, has long hair, is a rock artist, has hairy legs and a mustach or maybe a beard, dunno if they had top surgery or not, but they have this really cool aura about them that is very attractive and very unique. They also wear eye liner, its a really interesting look but its more than a look on them, they look to me like a pirate.
Another that was afab and was a theater star is nb, has not had top surgery, and has chest hair, and they rock all of that as well.
If you are proud of how you look and can rock the look, and the truth of it as being you, it just works. At least, imo, with those folks it does.
Seriously attractive people. Enough so that I had to be careful with not crossing any lines, they knew how to treat me and I keep my vows.
Pretty cool. Nobody would dream of telling them to shave....
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Post by Ativan Prescribed on Feb 13, 2021 12:39:08 GMT 8
As time goes by, you develop a certain style, everyone does this, NB, cis, everyone does, but to be NB and make the changes gradual like people tend to do, it just becomes who you are. If someone doesn't like it, thats on them, being yourself in an honest way is telling not the world who you are, its telling yourself you can just be you, regardless. Someone calling you out is maybe for them calling you out, but reality is, nobody is calling them out, they are just deep into the normal, another cardboard cutout that represents not themselves, but everyone else, can't make waves, can't show the true self. So by calling you out, reality is that they are just calling themselves out as the sheep they are and you are different, baaah baah goes the sheep when they see anything out of their normal pasture life. By being true to yourself, by knowing your truth, by showing your truth, you are authentic as compared to those who stay within the lines, stuck in their version of societal box, peeking over the edge looking at you flying free and outside the box. I left a post somewhere yesterday I think about a story by Hunter S Thompson, someone who was never afraid of looking for the truth, a story about riding a motorcycle like hell on wheels on the coast hwy at night. He talked about the edge, and that the only people who knew where it was where the people who had gone over... and that the run of the mill person never strayed far enough to go over the edge, but that the edge is still there. There is no honest way of explaining what it is to be someone who has gone over the edge, but for those of us who have, we immediately see those others who have as well, we know something that the usual person is just not capable of knowing, and there is no honest way of explaining it to them. To the usual person, it defies the rules of normality to them, but to those of us who know, there are no rules, only yours for yourself, it is the road less traveled and it never goes inside the box that society hides in for very long.
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Post by Droomvlucht on Feb 13, 2021 17:09:08 GMT 8
When asked a question about shit that really isn't others business, the correct response is "So, what's your point?" and them walk away or change the subject back to the relevant conversation or just stare without blinking or maybe the slow blink, that's as good as an eyeroll. Even though that would be the correct response, I'm just not able to do that. Yes I try and yes it's not making me a brave person, but at least at the moment the situation is that I laugh when I am uncomfortable or when someone says something mean. Like a bunny on the street that says please drive over me. I've been bullied through my whole childhood, it's the response I learnt myself to survive. If you laugh they will laugh. If you don't take yourself seriously then it doesn't matter they are hurting you. Something like that. I'm not a cool person, I am not an attractive person. But I do have a family now and a nice job. It's a comfortable bubble. I am hesitant to change anything because it feels like I have gotten so much already, I don't want to stretch it. And I don't need to to feel better. I have to take only a few small steps, that's all. And hard enough.
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Trinity
DES Trans
14,583
Nov 5, 2015 13:41:59 GMT 8
November 2015
trinity
Non-Binary
Sh'e, H'er, they them, she, he, whatever....
Bisexual
Faithfully Married.
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Post by Trinity on Feb 14, 2021 1:10:41 GMT 8
When asked a question about shit that really isn't others business, the correct response is "So, what's your point?" and them walk away or change the subject back to the relevant conversation or just stare without blinking or maybe the slow blink, that's as good as an eyeroll. Even though that would be the correct response, I'm just not able to do that. Yes I try and yes it's not making me a brave person, but at least at the moment the situation is that I laugh when I am uncomfortable or when someone says something mean. Like a bunny on the street that says please drive over me. I've been bullied through my whole childhood, it's the response I learnt myself to survive. If you laugh they will laugh. If you don't take yourself seriously then it doesn't matter they are hurting you. Something like that. I'm not a cool person, I am not an attractive person. But I do have a family now and a nice job. It's a comfortable bubble. I am hesitant to change anything because it feels like I have gotten so much already, I don't want to stretch it. And I don't need to to feel better. I have to take only a few small steps, that's all. And hard enough. There comes a time when learned coping skills outlive their usefulness and turn on us. When they no longer work, it is time to find a new set of coping skills, skills not based on fear or being dominated, but based on your needs and others needs, you are just as valid in your needs as they are in theirs. An unequal balance just leads to unhappiness and resentment.
Those little small steps, once defined, are not little small steps. They are giant leaps into the future, and freedom.
Even if its just tweaking, its huge. A guitar that is not tweaked and set up properly sounds like crap, change it a little here and there, and it just sings. And since it is then a happy guitar, everyone enjoys the music, life just is that much better.
It doesn't have to be big steps or big changes at all, and gratitude for what we have already is huge and important. Its the shedding of fear and resentments, the breaking of chains one link at a time.
Coping mechs are interesting things, I am full of them. As time has gone on, and with a lot of hard work, I have shed those that no longer work for me, and the benefit has been wonderful.
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veronicalynn
She/Her
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Post by Leena on Feb 14, 2021 1:17:01 GMT 8
Even though that would be the correct response, I'm just not able to do that. I'm not sure I could either. It's just not my style, though I'm not sure what is now. What I did back when I was perceived as a guy may not work quite as well if I'm perceived as a trans woman.
I feel like I totally missed a middle stage of my social transition being stuck inside. I was really hoping I'd have the chance to figure some of these things out in more casual circumstances than job interviews first, but I guess that just wasn't in the cards for me.
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Post by Droomvlucht on Feb 14, 2021 1:52:38 GMT 8
There comes a time when learned coping skills outlive their usefulness and turn on us. When they no longer work, it is time to find a new set of coping skills, skills not based on fear or being dominated, but based on your needs and others needs, you are just as valid in your needs as they are in theirs. An unequal balance just leads to unhappiness and resentment.
Those little small steps, once defined, are not little small steps. They are giant leaps into the future, and freedom.
Even if its just tweaking, its huge. A guitar that is not tweaked and set up properly sounds like crap, change it a little here and there, and it just sings. And since it is then a happy guitar, everyone enjoys the music, life just is that much better.
It doesn't have to be big steps or big changes at all, and gratitude for what we have already is huge and important. Its the shedding of fear and resentments, the breaking of chains one link at a time.
Coping mechs are interesting things, I am full of them. As time has gone on, and with a lot of hard work, I have shed those that no longer work for me, and the benefit has been wonderful.
Thank you so much for this post. It nearly makes me cry. It's so true.
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