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Trinity
DES Trans
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trinity
Non-Binary
Sh'e, H'er, they them, she, he, whatever....
Bisexual
Faithfully Married.
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Post by Trinity on Feb 10, 2021 11:13:23 GMT 8
Whats holding you back from being who you really are?
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Post by Leena on Feb 10, 2021 12:31:32 GMT 8
I basically am who I am in most of aspects of my life, though I'm still not really out with my family or professionally.
I didn't want to add more stress to my family before, but they are already making plans for when I visit once everyone can get the covid vaccine. I already know they are still transphobic and they already know I'm trans, they just think I'm still in the closet.
Being out professionally scares me, the chance of not working with at least some transphobes is pretty low. The dual life thing I was going before just doesn't work for me anymore though. Guy mode really isn't that anymore, and I don't want to try to pass as a guy or use my old voice.
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Post by Droomvlucht on Feb 10, 2021 17:49:57 GMT 8
I always have difficulties with the concept 'being yourself'. I think you're always yourself. But sometimes you don't feel balanced or dysphoric or depressive and you want to change that to feel better. I basically am who I am in most of aspects of my life, though I'm still not really out with my family or professionally. I didn't want to add more stress to my family before, but they are already making plans for when I visit once everyone can get the covid vaccine. I already know they are still transphobic and they already know I'm trans, they just think I'm still in the closet. Being out professionally scares me, the chance of not working with at least some transphobes is pretty low. The dual life thing I was going before just doesn't work for me anymore though. Guy mode really isn't that anymore, and I don't want to try to pass as a guy or use my old voice. I think most important is if the organisation you work and your direct manager is transphobic. If they are not okay with it, it will be difficult. I understand you're scared with it. I'm not even out as non-binary at my job because I know my direct manager 'doesn't believe in it' and one of my collegues is really negative about it, but I work at a very left progressive university, I really shouldn't worry, there wouldn't be a better place to work. But even then, it's scary.
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Post by Leena on Feb 10, 2021 20:45:39 GMT 8
I think most important is if the organisation you work and your direct manager is transphobic. If they are not okay with it, it will be difficult. I understand you're scared with it. I'm not even out as non-binary at my job because I know my direct manager 'doesn't believe in it' and one of my collegues is really negative about it, but I work at a very left progressive university, I really shouldn't worry, there wouldn't be a better place to work. But even then, it's scary. I'm between jobs, and not sure if I'm ready to start applying for jobs as Leena. I haven't changed my name and gender legally yet, so the hiring manager and HR will know. I'm tempted to just apply under my initials and come out later, though I can't even bring myself to do that.
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DES Trans
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Nov 5, 2015 13:41:59 GMT 8
November 2015
trinity
Non-Binary
Sh'e, H'er, they them, she, he, whatever....
Bisexual
Faithfully Married.
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Post by Trinity on Feb 11, 2021 6:33:57 GMT 8
I'm free to be me, but not free to fully express the whole of me, I could, but there are safety issues.
But me has been freed and I don't have to worry about it showing anymore.
There is still the hair thing that hurts a lot. Its getting ok again... I need it.
I pick the battles I want to fight.
As to the job, I am totally out. But, I choose to work at home. Like right now, and I am not wearing very much, its hot in here. Florida. Mid 70s or low 80's, car was all heated up inside, here we go again.
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Post by Leena on Feb 11, 2021 7:34:41 GMT 8
It doesn't really help that every time I work up the nerve to start applying to jobs as Leena, I don't find any I think I would get even if I were applying as a guy.
I really can't be free until I am totally out in all aspects of my life. I'm more afraid I'll just take some job in guy mode and feel pressure to stay closeted because it's the safe option. Safety is worth nothing to me if it means going to back to living how I lived for decades.
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Nov 5, 2015 13:41:59 GMT 8
November 2015
trinity
Non-Binary
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Bisexual
Faithfully Married.
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Post by Trinity on Feb 11, 2021 8:02:01 GMT 8
It doesn't really help that every time I work up the nerve to start applying to jobs as Leena, I don't find any I think I would get even if I were applying as a guy. I really can't be free until I am totally out in all aspects of my life. I'm more afraid I'll just take some job in guy mode and feel pressure to stay closeted because it's the safe option. Safety is worth nothing to me if it means going to back to living how I lived for decades. My last job was a disaster because I was forced to do total guy mode, and eventually I broke. I knew I should have been myself going in, but was coerced into playing a role, when the serious pressure came on, it all fell apart big time. Had I gone in as myself, even subdued, they would have discriminated on the spot and I would have not been hired. BUT, I would have lost major opportunities I needed so it all worked out in the end.
I was totally wrong for that position.
Nah, better to be who I am comfortable as being and deal from strength, than to not be me and come from a weaker position. I need to draw on the strength of being who I really am, to deal with the stresses of the jobs.
My own job has been hell this week, software problems not my fault but it caused a one and a half day job to become a 7 or 8 day job, with troubleshooting, and I am hoping the problem was solved. It was an opportunity to look at processes so that is a good thing, learned some stuff, but it was not helpful and I am still renovating that house, have 2 more rooms to go flooring the rest is done and looks terrific. There I am working alone, and quite comfortable with that.
I have enough meetings and stuff as me that I can feel good, it takes me back sometimes with zoom because when I do myself up, sh'e is actually quite attractive especially at my age, with all due humility. But my normal is lazy, no makeup, unshaved in the face (but the legs stay shaved, eeeewww.... funny how that works in my head lol), and wearing just anything. LIke now, sweatpants and kinda topless, just the bra. I don't like going totally topless.
Rambled, but the takeaway is, learn to make your truth your strength....imo.
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Post by Ativan Prescribed on Feb 11, 2021 8:16:55 GMT 8
My main tactic when dealing with most everything is, if it is an argument, I step into it, if it is a fight I step in harder and faster. When dealing with any adversary regardless, you step into it, you step up, you do whatever it takes to make them back down or away. People who think they are an authority over you are usually to weak to deal with it being in their face sort of a thing. I had one person many years ago tell me I wasn't man enough for the job, which was a pretty out there job that required what they assumed was the more manly man to do it. It was a threat of sorts, he stepped forward fully expecting me to step back, I just took him all the way down to the floor and then some,.. I got the job. Same thing on the job, the challenge of how can a girly boy like you possibly do what takes a real man to do, this happened several times and anyone who saw the previous times stood back and knew what was coming. Not only could I do the job, but progressed up the chain where they couldn't get, I was better and for a few of them, I saved their ass's when the shit hit the fan, I was better and nobody screwed with me more than once. This is stepping into the battle, the fight, the argument, the controversy, the bullying, you go nose to nose and toe to toe if need be, kick them in the balls if you need to, spin them around and take them down, when in doubt, knock them out. The older I got the better I got at the verbal takedown, and I struggled because I'm naturally introverted, but unleash the person inside who is just sick of the shit and don't flounder with it, aim it directly at that other persons ego. This is the verbal kick them in the balls, they say something about your gender, say something about theirs, up the ante, ask them if they are hitting on you, ask them this a couple times before they can say anything, this is the twist them around and then kick them in the ass. I seriously took one asshole down on the spot in front of all his friends in a bar that was predominantly a biker bar, but IA knew people there, lots of them but this guy makes a few remarks, I just asked him if this was his way of asking if he could go down on me, he walked away. It doesn't matter who they are or what they say, if its something you don't like, seriously take a step toward them, an actual step, sitting in chairs, lean into them, like serious intent lean in, shorten the distance. You assert yourself even if it something you normally don't do, it isn't like you don't know how, they are doing that to you while you watch, do it right back, laugh in their face if they make a threatening remark, tell them nice try and ask them if they just haven't got something better. It's about the challenge, if you feel like you are being put on a spot, pushed into a corner, being even made fun of, they are challenging you and the only thing you can do is do it right back and one up the game,.. or go home. Don't be that person who walks and then spends hours telling yourself what you should have done, be prepared, know the game, look for the clues, listen and don't react in any way other than deadpan stare them in the eyes and play your turn, because its just a game, learn to play it better.
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Post by Ativan Prescribed on Feb 11, 2021 8:26:53 GMT 8
Talking about shaving legs, at that job from way back when, it was a difficult one that you stayed out for days on end, no showers and equipment needed to be cleaned and set up when you came in from the field, so using the showers that were just all in an open room, having a shaved body and actually doing that is the showers because having stubble is like an eeww thing for me as well, so the guys would be in there as well and at first, they just made stupid comments that I just laughed at, until one of them got up enough nerve to ask. It's a cleanliness thing for me, seriously, all that neanderthal hair (I am naturally less hairy than average male) just collects sweat and bacteria and its that collection of bacteria that stinks the most, I told them my reasons, and sure enough, a few of them started to shave as well, seriously, these testosterone dripping males shaved and liked it, it might be a feminine thing on one hand, but reality is, shaving that unwanted hair off me and from my armpits just makes me smell better and feel better as well, there is no shame in being clean and smelling better if you ask me.
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kalima
New Member
Posts: 45
Gender: Non-binary / pangender
Presentation: Androgynous
Presentation: Androgynous
Pronouns: They/Their/Them
Pronouns: Depends on context
Orientation: Pansexual
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kalima
Non-binary / pangender
Androgynous
Androgynous
They/Their/Them
Depends on context
Pansexual
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Post by kalima on Feb 11, 2021 12:08:56 GMT 8
Hey friends, back after a six month hiatus. Missed y'all, and glad there are new folks participating who I haven't met yet.
I encompass both female and male, so two things hold me back from being who I really am. First is my own fear of shame and humiliation. I have been working on that through therapy and other means, but after decades of trying to fit in, it is a big shift to be more of myself in public. The second thing holding me back is figuring out how to express myself. How do I want to appear and sound to express a rather encompassing gender identification? I am still experimenting, guided just by what feels right, and I am moving toward a kind of stylish, sensual (while tough) androgynous look. Kind of punk biker chick meets flamboyant male model. Elements of both. Unique. Not sure if I can pull it off, but I have been having fun going to thrift stores (or charity shops as you call them in the UK) trying to pull elements together.
I just thought of a third thing holding me back: the dysphoric feeling of complete aloneness, like there is no one on the planet I can really relate to. That is what actually drew me back to this board, knowing there are others who may be different from me but who are equally unique and unconventional, and knowing this is a safe place for expressing myself.
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nyx
Full Member
Posts: 175
Gender: FTM Non-Binary
Pronouns: He/His/Him
Orientation: Queer
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FTM Non-Binary
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Post by nyx on Feb 11, 2021 14:53:53 GMT 8
I think what holds me back the most is simply the fact that I am not sure who the 'real me' is. Sometimes I feel like I don't know myself. At the moment, I don't see many options to try and find out as I am sitting in my room, working, unable to go outside due to the masses of snow, freezing temperatures and of course the covid lockdown. Really puts me down. I feel a bit caged these days. But not only by external factors, there is also a feeling of being caged inside myself, not knowing how to get out. There are things I believe to have figured out, I think I know that I am somehow nb, somehow trans, and I have a lack of self-acceptance that is as big as an ocean. Especially the latter one is holding me back from many things. I'm kind of in survival mode, only things I plan are the tasks I have to fulfill. When I have a moment of rest, I feel sad and anxious. But no worries, partner and cats are looking out for me. So I am simultaneously not ok and ok, I guess.
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DES Trans
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Nov 5, 2015 13:41:59 GMT 8
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trinity
Non-Binary
Sh'e, H'er, they them, she, he, whatever....
Bisexual
Faithfully Married.
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Post by Trinity on Feb 11, 2021 22:15:32 GMT 8
Hey friends, back after a six month hiatus. Missed y'all, and glad there are new folks participating who I haven't met yet. I encompass both female and male, so two things hold me back from being who I really am. First is my own fear of shame and humiliation. I have been working on that through therapy and other means, but after decades of trying to fit in, it is a big shift to be more of myself in public. The second thing holding me back is figuring out how to express myself. How do I want to appear and sound to express a rather encompassing gender identification? I am still experimenting, guided just by what feels right, and I am moving toward a kind of stylish, sensual (while tough) androgynous look. Kind of punk biker chick meets flamboyant male model. Elements of both. Unique. Not sure if I can pull it off, but I have been having fun going to thrift stores (or charity shops as you call them in the UK) trying to pull elements together. I just thought of a third thing holding me back: the dysphoric feeling of complete aloneness, like there is no one on the planet I can really relate to. That is what actually drew me back to this board, knowing there are others who may be different from me but who are equally unique and unconventional, and knowing this is a safe place for expressing myself. There is so much in this post. Welcome back.
The fear of shame and humiliation is a huge problem I think for everyone that is trans. It has certainly been a problem for me, in the past, but there came a point where I kind of snapped, and instead of accepting shaming, or being humiliated by someone (which is an act of violence imo) I became a warrior. Yes it can sting and hurt, but the basic thing is that if I don't buy into what is being said, there is no shame. Instead, the shame belongs to the one shaming. I can see through that as well, since they are captives of the Matrix and unfreed, and by seeing through it, the anger can go away a little bit, and a calm rebuttal of truth can be all it takes. For me, its as simple as "this is a physical condition that I was born with. Would you do that to someone else who was different than you are?"
That is why medical personnel in the states refer to gender surgery as corrective surgery. I love that statement.
Of course, there is great pressure on the part of the ignorant to suppress the truth, but truth always wins in the end. We have to fight for it though. For trans we live in the dark ages and have for a long time.
So daring to be more of self in public is a huge step, it confronts the fear, but imo before that step is taken, there has to be security in being who you are, who God designed you to be, which only you know the answer to. It is a very complicated question. Clearly you know of the mix and the crosswiring in the body, which I share with you. So once you have security in your self, the question is whether you are up to the battle. Are you ready for it, or not?
One of the ways to be ready is to pack up with others like ourselves, it is easier to be trans with another trans person with us, rather than going it alone. But many of us do not have that luxery, I have not seeked out local trans myself, I have them in NYC and they are a delight to me and I miss them dearly. There is nothing like a hug from another trans person, whether nonbinary are not.
So, the having fun part is a huge thing, the joy of it, probably exhilarating because of the adrenaline of facing your fear. It gets easier as you go along.
And the dysphoric feeling of being alone, see through the lie. You are not alone. We are here, there are about 200 people that watch this forum daily and either are questioning or drawing strength from it, assuming they are the same 200 folk and not a sampling of internet hits worldwide that just see the forum and read it a little and move on to the big ones that personally I have no involvement with or interest in, because in this forum, and the perception may be off about the others, but in this forum the whole thing is about freedom and truth and not finding a little box to mold yourself into. But everyone is seeking the truth, and they look for those boxes to find a sense of belonging.
You do belong, and are accepted. Perhaps you can find rest in that.
Face fear with truth. Face shaming with truth. Grow your wings.
-Trinity
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Post by Trinity on Feb 11, 2021 22:23:30 GMT 8
I think what holds me back the most is simply the fact that I am not sure who the 'real me' is. Sometimes I feel like I don't know myself. At the moment, I don't see many options to try and find out as I am sitting in my room, working, unable to go outside due to the masses of snow, freezing temperatures and of course the covid lockdown. Really puts me down. I feel a bit caged these days. But not only by external factors, there is also a feeling of being caged inside myself, not knowing how to get out. There are things I believe to have figured out, I think I know that I am somehow nb, somehow trans, and I have a lack of self-acceptance that is as big as an ocean. Especially the latter one is holding me back from many things. I'm kind of in survival mode, only things I plan are the tasks I have to fulfill. When I have a moment of rest, I feel sad and anxious. But no worries, partner and cats are looking out for me. So I am simultaneously not ok and ok, I guess. Hugs little unicorn fox.
Acceptance of what cannot be changed is key in anything. We cannot change our God given genders that we were born with, and I am not talking about the physical. If that is the truth, and that is the core of all of the battles around us, can it be changed, should it be changed, why is it supposed to be changed....the whole pressure of the matrix.... the construct if you will.... but if that is the truth, the only thing that we can do is accept it.
Once accepted, it becomes about what are we going to do with it. Our minds can go down negative paths with that, or postive paths to that which become dreams and goals and eventrually our lives.
Self deception is the enemy, digging out the roots of self deception, if it exists, becomes the paramount problem and the key to freedom from the Matrix. Once it is defeated, we stand upon the truth of who we are, and then it becomes acceptance of the consequences of social stuff around that truth, and once that is also accepted, doing something about it, using it to our own advantage, learning how to live in the Matrix without being harmed by the Agents of the Matrix, and learning how to defeat those agents, Ativan and I have very different ways of doing that, both of us win in life at it, but neither of us put up with it or buy into it.
Rise above. Learn how to use that little horn and be proud of it.
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Post by Droomvlucht on Feb 12, 2021 3:15:33 GMT 8
I just thought of a third thing holding me back: the dysphoric feeling of complete aloneness, like there is no one on the planet I can really relate to. That is what actually drew me back to this board, knowing there are others who may be different from me but who are equally unique and unconventional, and knowing this is a safe place for expressing myself. Same here, the feeling you describe is very recognisable for me. On the other hand I came here because I felt too much connected with others. We're always together these days, I really needed somewhere to focus on myself, and not just be 'the employee' and 'the mother'. Apparently these feelings can exist together.
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Post by Ativan Prescribed on Feb 12, 2021 9:07:53 GMT 8
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