nyx
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Post by nyx on Jan 31, 2021 17:17:16 GMT 8
Yesterday, I decided to contact that friend of mine. The friend who is afab and trans but hasn't transitioned. We never talked too much about it but I knew they didn't identify as female at all. We got to know each other in a group therapy we both started in 2013 after a hospitalization due to a mental crisis. For a few months, we attended that group therapy on a daily basis and by having some conversation before and after, became something like friends. They are the only person I met in psychiatry and kept in touch with. We meet rather rarely but can talk about things that are too personal to tell other friends because of our shared experience. I hadn't been writing to them for months. I was very isolated and didn't feel like contacting anyone. But I came to the conclusion that I need to talk to someone about what I've been figuring out about my gender. Maybe to make it... more real? They responded quickly, saying they actually had a hunch to it. What the heck? How can they have a hunch before I realized anything myself? It was quite confusing but reinforced my wish to talk. So we met on Discord for videochat. We talked 4 hours. They told me a lot of their own experiences, some of them very dark. They told me about other ftm trans friends and their journey. They told me that they felt that they didn't have the guts to transition, mostly because there would be no option to undo it. But also because it was difficult to deal with, they would like to transition but not having bottom surgery which is kind of difficult to get here in germany because most docs will only do the 'complete package' or nothing....
We talked about so many things, very intimate stuff. It was heavy, but felt enlightening. They have a lot of queer/trans friends and I think I want to get to know them. In the past, I had thought of myself as 'too straight' to fit in there, but well now I am writing on this board, feeling pretty much the opposite of straight!
It is the first time, everything feels completely real.
I see now that I am beyond considering if I should walk down this path.
I am already on my way.
I think I am ready now to contact the local helpline, to find out what I need and how to get whatever it might be. I think a nb-open gender therapist would be a good thing. At the moment I am scared but also eager to to something. I think it is good to come out to chosen people whom I expect to understand before making plans for the more difficult stuff.
-> To the ones here who sought help in real life: how did you do it? I'd love to talk about our different experiences.
-Nyx
edit: just e-mailed the helpline. It was harder than I thought, writing that down. Anxiety level very high right now. But I think it was the right thing to to.
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Post by Trinity on Feb 1, 2021 8:30:21 GMT 8
The key for me was finding the right therapists. I had one that was good, but the nb part was messed up and my diagnosis was too, but they helped save my marriage. That was the one that got me my hormones.
The second one was trans himself, and did understand NB. I got a better letter to carry from him, saying I was nonbinary trans female and had the right to use womens bathrooms and locker rooms due to my gender identity and diagnosis as having gender dysphoria.
In each case I researched the heck out of them before going. There aren't that many you could go to.
My endo was an old guy, both therapists were going by the Harry Benjamin plan, both were old school. And both were kindhearted and helped me. The endo was known to be very trans friendly. LOL he said I didn't turn out to badly, was quite attractive, after a year or so of it.
My current support is all trans and LGBT healthcare, gets nonbinary, and I would use them for mental health without hesitation. The head of their psych dept checks on me when I come in for hormones, they like talking to me and they do have concerns due to the stress levels I have.
It is a bit scary, especially at first, I was shaking like crazy I was so scared. But they know its intense and are good at calming folk down.
Do the research on them. That's very important. I did mine and it paid off very well. Being around trans and NB people IRL can be very helpful, it has been to me, enormously. Mostly it was in 12 step programs or in the theater.
There's a kinship that we share. But its not everyone, I do not go to local trans support groups. Not sure why, really. I just don't feel the need or desire to do so, and am pretty stealth in Florida except in the theater and not publically in that venue, but the casting folk and theater folk know.
Breathe....
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Post by Leena on Feb 1, 2021 9:46:56 GMT 8
While a lot of things about trans healthcare, and healthcare in general, aren't so great in the US, we do have informed consent HRT clinics. Making the call to schedule that first appointment, and actually going to it were some of the scariest things I ever did, but really weren't that bad. I went that route rather than therapy first, though I probably could use a therapist, and would need letters from one if I wanted surgery and some legal paperwork changes.
I had avoided going to IRL support groups though I wish I hadn't because they have all been shut down because of covid and I wish I knew some local trans and nonbinary people. I was a bit intimidated by the idea of talking about trans stuff in person, and still kind of am.
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Post by Ativan Prescribed on Feb 1, 2021 10:33:21 GMT 8
One thing to be aware of, is the yoyo effect of thinking you are this when you are that, in other words, go slowly because it is easy to get caught up in how others see themselves and just fall into their groove. One day you might feel entirely like you want to go a full transition and then another day wonder what you were thinking and decide that none of it is for you. This is typical for those new to getting their head on straight with NB, you are going to have those moments and feelings regardless of extremes, which is perfectly normal, you don't know until you investigate your feelings and find the more stable truth that is yours and yours alone. But that most NB are fluid, they ping pong back and forth and its just something to get used to and whenever possible, just enjoy it, life's experiences are seldom predictable and certainly never stable. Just don't get too excited over things and just take them as they come, after a while, it becomes not routine but somewhat predictable, but usually there are going to be those times of gender is off one way or the other and there is no such a thing as the middle ground. The middle for you is going to be different especially in experience than others, while its lots of fun to talk and gain perspective from others, they are living their lives and you need to find your truths to live yours. Personally, I can't even begin to imagine how boring it must be to be cis. They have expectations of everyone being the same, while people who identify as trans in their own way have a bond of familiar and understanding with others who view themselves as trans. Pity that so many cis buried in their closets don't have what it takes to realize that they are never as cis as they profess to be.
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Post by Ativan Prescribed on Feb 1, 2021 10:45:23 GMT 8
One of the things I know is that fear of trans is not fear of trans, its how much they know deep down that what they think of themselves as cis isn't the same as they project out to others, their fear is that others will see through the disguise of cis and what they don't know is that everyone is not 100% cis, everyone is in the closet when it comes to gender along with so many other things, they live in this constant fear that others will see through them, trans has a leg up on that whole thing, the biggest closet out there is probably gender and once you open the door, its like the world is suddenly in technicolor and not black and white at all. If even half the people out there were as diligent in finding their real truths as trans is about theirs, regardless of what it is, most people are just balls of conflicting information and fear of being found out, the greatest fear is that others will be able to read their minds. This is true of most everyone, nobody has a purity in thinking, everyone has dark thoughts, everyone has fears and everyone lies to a certain degree, but given the controversy they have about trans and LGBTQ in general, it is their biggest lie of all, everyone is in the closet one way or another. The road to mental stability is very much in knowing your truths, even if you don't reveal them to others, you are never obligated to share your thoughts, you are never obligated to share your gender, but knowing your truths allows you to share more freely.
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Post by Trinity on Feb 1, 2021 11:23:10 GMT 8
Yeah with me and it got embarrassing in trans puberty, I can't believe some of where that took me, but with me there was a lot of instabilty and boomerang and fluidity and much of that was the freedom from repression and that just took over, and it took a while for it to kind of recenter and restabilize, and when I say recenter what I mean is, the way it was with me, the whole thing gelled together and I became one.
But in the beginning I was headed right down the mtf path, and it was intense. After 8 years of this, its all just so normal, and I have total peace about who and what I am.
Its a journey through the forest for sure.
And its exhilerating, intoxicating, frightening, exciting.... kind of daredevilish.
Give it time is right, that is spot on imo
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nyx
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Post by nyx on Feb 1, 2021 15:27:17 GMT 8
The key for me was finding the right therapists. I had one that was good, but the nb part was messed up and my diagnosis was too, but they helped save my marriage. That was the one that got me my hormones. The second one was trans himself, and did understand NB. I got a better letter to carry from him, saying I was nonbinary trans female and had the right to use womens bathrooms and locker rooms due to my gender identity and diagnosis as having gender dysphoria. In each case I researched the heck out of them before going. There aren't that many you could go to. My endo was an old guy, both therapists were going by the Harry Benjamin plan, both were old school. And both were kindhearted and helped me. The endo was known to be very trans friendly. LOL he said I didn't turn out to badly, was quite attractive, after a year or so of it. My current support is all trans and LGBT healthcare, gets nonbinary, and I would use them for mental health without hesitation. The head of their psych dept checks on me when I come in for hormones, they like talking to me and they do have concerns due to the stress levels I have. It is a bit scary, especially at first, I was shaking like crazy I was so scared. But they know its intense and are good at calming folk down. Do the research on them. That's very important. I did mine and it paid off very well. Being around trans and NB people IRL can be very helpful, it has been to me, enormously. Mostly it was in 12 step programs or in the theater. There's a kinship that we share. But its not everyone, I do not go to local trans support groups. Not sure why, really. I just don't feel the need or desire to do so, and am pretty stealth in Florida except in the theater and not publically in that venue, but the casting folk and theater folk know. Breathe.... Yep, I am worried about therapists messing with the nb part and the diagnosis although I don't expect any diagnosis to satisfy me as I don't count gender as anything that can be diagnosed, GID is bigot bullshit in my eyes. But the support team I reseached and sent that email to seems very open to any gender which makes me hope they might know some therapists who are qualified/suited to work with nb folk because I am definetely not 100% trans male, that one won't work for me. at the moment, finding ways to more self-acceptance and less anxiety is my main priority. I catch myself thinking about physically transitioning from time to time, though. One thing to be aware of, is the yoyo effect of thinking you are this when you are that, in other words, go slowly because it is easy to get caught up in how others see themselves and just fall into their groove. One day you might feel entirely like you want to go a full transition and then another day wonder what you were thinking and decide that none of it is for you. This is typical for those new to getting their head on straight with NB, you are going to have those moments and feelings regardless of extremes, which is perfectly normal, you don't know until you investigate your feelings and find the more stable truth that is yours and yours alone. But that most NB are fluid, they ping pong back and forth and its just something to get used to and whenever possible, just enjoy it, life's experiences are seldom predictable and certainly never stable. Just don't get too excited over things and just take them as they come, after a while, it becomes not routine but somewhat predictable, but usually there are going to be those times of gender is off one way or the other and there is no such a thing as the middle ground. The middle for you is going to be different especially in experience than others, while its lots of fun to talk and gain perspective from others, they are living their lives and you need to find your truths to live yours. Personally, I can't even begin to imagine how boring it must be to be cis. They have expectations of everyone being the same, while people who identify as trans in their own way have a bond of familiar and understanding with others who view themselves as trans. Pity that so many cis buried in their closets don't have what it takes to realize that they are never as cis as they profess to be. I feel very much like this, moving between 'I need to change my whole body' and 'whoa how can I even consider it' and yes, I try to not get too obsessed with it. First I couldn't imagine to be as fluid as this, but now I'm like this all the time. the bad part of it is that is multiplies my emotional flips. I can be manic, laughing, totally hyperactive and the next moment deeply depressed. it is now somehow connected to gender, high level dysphoria means depression and anxiety. then there are moments I feel stable and in the middle of everything, it gives me high euphoria... I feel like I am totally messed up because of this. But I guess it takes time, so I try to endure and look for help until I find a way to deal with it.
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Post by Leena on Feb 2, 2021 8:35:18 GMT 8
First I couldn't imagine to be as fluid as this, but now I'm like this all the time. the bad part of it is that is multiplies my emotional flips. I can be manic, laughing, totally hyperactive and the next moment deeply depressed. it is now somehow connected to gender, high level dysphoria means depression and anxiety. then there are moments I feel stable and in the middle of everything, it gives me high euphoria... I feel like I am totally messed up because of this. But I guess it takes time, so I try to endure and look for help until I find a way to deal with it. GID is an outdated term, and gradually being replaced by gender dysphoria in some places and gender incongruence in others. Some sort of diagnosis is generally required for things to be covered though. There is a lot of stigma towards mental health stuff, but whatever you call it, gender dysphoria can be a cause for a lot of problems like that.
I was very fluid, and that got all mixed with being in denial. The fluidity is still there somewhat, but it isn't really all that disturbing like it once was. That I'm not really perceived as a cis guy by most people helps a lot. I'm not sure most cis people are even capable of perceiving me as nonbinary, so it doesn't really bother me if they perceive me as a trans woman.
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Post by Ativan Prescribed on Feb 2, 2021 10:22:47 GMT 8
Just don't give to much to dysphoria, it isn't any different than most things, if you let it rule your emotions, its like letting someone's offhand remarks get to you, like perception of what they said and what they meant can be two entirely different things. It's sorta like if someone comments on your hair color, doesn't matter if they like it or not, but you can take it so personally that it just ruins your day or makes your day, dysphoria is like that, you can let it ruin your day and lack of it make your day. Nobody is perfect in any way for anything, there is always the ongoing battle you have with yourself and usually, most things are just going to be pushed to the back of things that are more important, don't make dysphoria something that is more important. I know it sucks and I know it as well as anyone does, but coming to terms with it and taking its perceived importance away and just letting it be like anything else, like how clothes might fit fo example, or how certain foods taste, just allow it to be there but don't let it take over yourself. It's hard to do and it differs from person to person, but its like say having a food allergy, you just can't eat that food, or like not being able to afford something you want, existing in a cloudy day when you want to go to the beach. Like it or not, dysphoria is something that you can let just ruin everyday or you can move past it and know that while it might suck for this instant, that doesn't mean its going to even be a thing in the next, note it and move on with your day. The less power you give it to make decisions based on it, the better off you will be and of course there are those times where gender isn't perfect, it is never ever going to be perfect just like the weather, you compensate and move forward, always move forward. But ignoring it isn't the key either, its a thing that feels awful at times because there is little you think you can do about it, its very much like depression, but just like depression, it gets a lot worse the more power you give it to just fuck with your mind and day. While telling yourself to just not be depressed isn't like in anyone whos depressed going to work bag of tricks, people who suffer from depression have their little things that get them from here to there, just like wanting a sunny day isn't going to make the sun shine. But at the same time, by not giving in to it as much as it is easy to do, it does dissipate to a livable extent, depression and dysphoria, life is a series of moments and getting from one to the next is often done by knowing that moment is now gone and the next one is here. This is how I get from depressed as a disorder and more than the rainy day blues, and move to the next thing, everything flows by you and you grab the things that help and discard the things that are just weight, depression and dysphoria can be easily lived with this way. I say this all the time and said it somewhere again just the other day, life pivots on moments in time... if you are so consumed by something that you are blind to the moments coming at you, you miss your chance at what could be the pivot point in your life. In other words, opportunity in any of its many forms isn't going to slow down as it goes by and tap you on the shoulder with an excuse me, eyes open, mind open, don't get bogged down and miss something because you were to busy with something that in an essential way is not essential. That said, don't bet on the lottery to win, throw your dollar down to buy a dream ticket and then watch for your dream, not the winning numbers, you will never know the winning numbers beforehand, but you can know your dreams. Also, there is this, in view of your impending death, you don't have time for crappy thoughts.
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nyx
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Post by nyx on Feb 21, 2021 0:49:00 GMT 8
Hi there, I have something to report: although I had to shift my appointment with the counselor, I decided to talk to my psychiatrist about my gender identity. Yesterday I had my first personal meeting with her after having only phone conversation over the past months. It went well-ish. It went really well but I cried the whole time... Today I feel like there has happened a major change inside myself. She didn't say much but the things she said made me really happy: she told me that she thinks the process I am in now is a very precious thing and whereever it will lead me it will be part of my journey that hopefully leads to more self-acceptance or self-love. And she wants to accompany me through this process. And I was sitting there, could barely see through all the tears or breathe due to my swollen nose (and wearing a mask made it even worse, you can imagine). She asked me some questions, like why I had this wish as a child of being a boy and other stuff I had just started talking about. I tried to answer and whatever, it was all ok, she asked me which emotions where making this so hard for me and I told her about my fears and doubts and everything. It was just an hour in this room, but so intense I would have guessed I've been in there much longer. I talked about my fears about people who can't see beyond the binary and that I feel like my road might lead to a nonbinary sort of gender. She said she thinks the binary has never been a sufficient system to describe humans and that it only evolved this way because of how our culture has evolved. I talked about my tries to talk to my mother and how badly it went. And about the counselor I want to see. She told me it's good to see the counselor I chose because there is a lot to figure out and I should always keep my safety in mind, that safety is very important and maybe it's better not talking to everyone about it, at least for now until I feel safer. Weirdly, she didn't tell me anything I didn't know before, but somehow she managed to reach some place deep within that tends to ignore many constructive thoughts, but this time, it listened. Today I feel strong. Afraid, so afraid, but also strong.
And there is more, something happened... ...it came up during the past few days and today it is very intense: a feeling that I will go down a long path, but not the sort that has many different parting ways - there is only one way, I can see it clearly now. I will wait much longer to tell someone in real life, but I think I can tell you...
I need a transition.
I marked the day in my calendar when I started daydreaming about it, it's been 5 weeks now. Not a single day passed that I didn't think about it. It might sound crazy after such a short time but I know myself. I will wait until 365 days are over and I can tell you today it will not change. But this will be the day I start talking about it with a therapist. The past three days, I felt like singing and dancing all the time and it was because I imagined becoming myself, physically.
At this very moment typing this, tears are running all over my face. Call me mad, but I am not sure if I have ever felt this happy before.
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Post by Droomvlucht on Feb 21, 2021 3:03:09 GMT 8
Well done! I'm glad for you that it was a good talk.
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kalima
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Gender: Non-binary / pangender
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Post by kalima on Mar 1, 2021 12:06:57 GMT 8
For many people, identifying as NB may be a transition phase between identifying as cis and trans. The greatest quality of NB is that it is a big umbrella that can include all of it. Waiting a year before acting is wise, and if you follow through as it seems you will, we will all celebrate your transition.
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Post by nyx on Mar 17, 2021 18:17:47 GMT 8
So I talked to that trans support counselor yesterday. I unfolded a lot of things from my past and presence, it was intense, I cried a lot. I didn't hear anything I didn't know before, but this is what I expected and of course in the end I am the only one who will be able to give answers to my questions. But some things we talked through are ringing in my head and I think it was worth it, we also made an appointment to meet again in two weeks because I want to ask her some questions and our time was over yesterday when I felt like we were just starting to dive deeper. She asked me about my fears and what, for me, would be the worst thing that could happen. I said there are some fears I am not sure about which is the worst, but they are like this: 1. my mother denying my gender and/or being disappointed, 2. coming out and facing discrimination, 3. finding out that I was all wrong or still being displeased by myself. Then I realized that the third one might be my worst fear, and I told the counselor this. She said, for some it's bad news, for some it's good news, or maybe it is both: no one can provide my truth to me but myself. (which I already knew, but it seems so important, maybe I need to hear this thousands of times to internalize it, lol...) And then she asked, what would be my alternative? I said the only alternative would be to keep all these thoughts to myself, never come out and continue living as if nothing had happened. But I don't think I can do that. We talked also about time, that I need time, and I kept saying, time won't make me feel better NOW. Time might be great, but feel very bad right now so I need to find ways to go through this... I asked her about therapists that are open to nonbinary and trans, she promised to send me some adresses, but they are all full right now so I'll have to wait to get started. I said I'll do it anyways because I think I really need someone to talk to on a regular basis. And of course, IF my way leads me to bodily transition, I'd have to be at least 6 months in therapy before anything can get started. So if I wait now for 6 or more months to get a therapist and then see them 6 months, it'll take minimum one year before I can even start to think about HRT or anything. Therefore, a therapist is needed to have all options at hand... I kept saying that I am not sure if I'm just crazy and losing my mind, but at the end she said that she didn't hear anything crazy from me... And that it's obvious that I am not just imagining things because then I wouldn't have such intense emotional reactions to it.
After I was seen off, I first went to the bathroom to make sure my face is dry and not too red from crying. I then made my way to the door and saw many flyers there, and one of them attracted my intention, the title was 'gay fathers'. My heart made a little jump of excitement, then I hurried away.
When I left the place, my legs felt like pudding and I had to take the stairs very carefully to avoid falling over.
Although nothing of this is new to me, it is working inside me and I have a feeling that it was an important step to have this conversation.
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Post by Trinity on Mar 17, 2021 23:29:37 GMT 8
Good for you.
Long journey but seems like you know what you need to do and are taking the actions to do it.
Hugs
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Post by Ativan Prescribed on Mar 18, 2021 9:28:21 GMT 8
Just getting a good gender therpist in this country can have a six month waiting list, they are busy and not enough of them, some people get in lots sooner than others depending on where they are, but it can take months to get started and then getting like a weekly session set up can be really hard, so many people can't afford more than once a month and others can't find a therspist who can see them that often, so it ends up being monthly, I was lucky and have a shrink monthly and a therapist weekly for years before I felt like I was not getting anything much more from them. But its always going to be small steps and it should be, you want to jump right into the answers and you don't yet have the questions for most of them, its a lot of small steps for everyone, there is no magic answers or information that they can just give based on a list of questions. The questions take time to form into ones that you can shape who you are so they know you as an individual, because every single person is different, there is no average or needs just a little or needs a lot, you are all of those things. While everyone has the need to find the answers as fast as possible, you will get the answers if you just get more laid back and realize that you are not going to get all the asnwers because you don't have all the wquestions yet. Each piece of what is your puzzle has to be fitted into place so that you can form the next wuestions, if it was as easy as just here is the list of questions and here are the list of answers, you could buy the book that has both from amazon and there it is. But it doesn't work like that, you have years and years of becoming who you are and are just no unlocking some things that are pretty significant for you to be able to move forward, which is just what you have to do, but like it is for everyone, its small steps at a time and this gives you plenty of time to think through revelkations that you find out about you, and they are yours alone, each and every person has this same process to go through, for some its exceedingly difficult and others its pretty easy, but to make it easy on yourself, don't set up a time frame that has to be met, there simply isn't one. It is also very much like most things in life, just when you think you have heard that one song that is the end all of songs and is going to be your favorite forever, another one comes along, but luckily, most things in life are just full of stuff and thats how we grow, we take what we need and leave what we don't need, and its a constant ever evolving shifting bunch of things we need and don't need, this is how it is for virtually everyone, there are no two peoples experiences that are the same, while you can find lots of other peoples stuff that is, its pretty much limited to one thing per other persons stuff that is the same. Getting to know the community and talking to others who are NB or LGBTQ is a good way to build confidence in going forward, nobody is going to look at you like you're crazy, because if they do, they know that others will see them as crazy as well, its not a thing, everyone is on this journey annd where you are is just particular to you, parts of your journey might be light years ahead of parts of someone elses and the same thing for them, just because everyone is trying to get somewhere on theirs doesn't mean a thing as far as where yours is going and taking you, we all strat from different places and go to different places on our journeys, the commonality is that we are on a similar journey that is NB. Its not always going to be small steps one at a time, there are going to be leaps and bounds, but those happen as a looking back, what seems like a small step can very well be a large one but you won't know until you are past it and taking another step. You need to be thorough in your discoveries, you don't want to bypass them as insignificant or not worth the time, everything is and can be important, you don't know what is up the path ahead, so take your time and just cruise along and enjoy the fact that you are on a journey that some fear more than anything and never ever dare to take it, that you are going somewhere and are not bogged down in the latest and not the latest things going on with the likes of those people who deny themselves the ability to discover who they really are, some people are just so afraid of life that they let others decide their futures for them, you are deciding and stepping forward with yours, to be really honest, most people never have the fortitude to just take life to the next level and have to be forced into doing the things they need to just exist, take it as this is your way of finding out who you are in ways that most people are to fearful to even think about, they live in dark caves and do finger painting on the walls of their hands and crude pics of animals they might see when they have to go out just to get more firewood and more red crud to make paint out of from the creek bed that has red crud in it, they scurry back to the confines of never going anywhere in their lives because they are too afraid of what others would think if they just went for a walk, don't be like that, step forward, be the you that is in there and needs to come out to be whole, you have to look for yourself if you are going to find yourself. It matters just a little if you find out that you are not NB or otherwise, what is important is that you need to know so you are not consumed with doubt. Take the journey regardless, if you don't you will always wonder just like you do right now, and this is true of most things in life, if you want to get somewhere, you have to do it with steps at a time, your answers are never going to be right around the corner but they might be around some corner and the only way to get there is keep on moving forward, you already know where you have been, so take life's journey and find out all the places you haven't been already.
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