Forum writing effects

[Trinity]

The other night I had an anxiety attack that was centered around the stakes that we are dealing with here on the forum.

We don't know how many join, and then don't stick around, and what happens to their lives.

In another place, I know there was adverse effects on some folk, many folk, and there were suicides as a result.  The plan, trans narrative, a few folk that pushed the trigger buttons, lots of things, and just bad advice.

I personally don't like to give advice that is specific, I prefer talking about my own experience, and someone can either use that or not.  Up to them, they are responsible for themselves.

But sometimes I do get worried, often people come here, get their lives together, and move on, but I think sometimes it can fall apart for them too.

But I think everyone has a lot of valuable things to say, pooled experiences, and often those coming here just need to know someone out there cares.  When I first came that was the big thing.  And I had no clue whether I was trans or nb, androgyne we called it back then, actually I went into the andrgyne section and decided I wasn't one, and then someone brought me back into it and the real journey began.

Does it worry you, sharing on here, how it affects others, or if something got taken the wrong way whether it would be the tipping point?

One worry I have is that someone would self deceive, that would be hugely harmful.

One thing I am sure of, the forum has changed and helped lives, saved a few, over the years, and that is a very good thing.  Its one of the few places people can come to where we know how it feels to be us.

Any thoughts or worries about it?

So greatful to those who post here.  I come, because I need this place, and old friends are here.  But I need this place badly and always have.

[Iona]

Jan 30, 2021 10:54:48 GMT 8 Trinity said:

The other night I had an anxiety attack that was centered around the stakes that we are dealing with here on the forum.

We don't know how many join, and then don't stick around, and what happens to their lives.

In another place, I know there was adverse effects on some folk, many folk, and there were suicides as a result.  The plan, trans narrative, a few folk that pushed the trigger buttons, lots of things, and just bad advice.

I personally don't like to give advice that is specific, I prefer talking about my own experience, and someone can either use that or not.  Up to them, they are responsible for themselves.

But sometimes I do get worried, often people come here, get their lives together, and move on, but I think sometimes it can fall apart for them too.

But I think everyone has a lot of valuable things to say, pooled experiences, and often those coming here just need to know someone out there cares.  When I first came that was the big thing.  And I had no clue whether I was trans or nb, androgyne we called it back then, actually I went into the andrgyne section and decided I wasn't one, and then someone brought me back into it and the real journey began.

Does it worry you, sharing on here, how it affects others, or if something got taken the wrong way whether it would be the tipping point?

One worry I have is that someone would self deceive, that would be hugely harmful.

One thing I am sure of, the forum has changed and helped lives, saved a few, over the years, and that is a very good thing.  Its one of the few places people can come to where we know how it feels to be us.

Any thoughts or worries about it?

So greatful to those who post here.  I come, because I need this place, and old friends are here.  But I need this place badly and always have.

Yes, posting here, sharing thoughts and perspectives, really worries me, which is why I more often than not hold off from posting anything.

One thing is very much selfishly not wanting to sound stupid - but then actually that can help people worry less about what they might want to vent.

But yes, more importantly I feel absolutely unqualified, unable* and unwilling to give advice. I'm certainly happy to give my perspective on things, but worry that in my empathy I end up projecting my own feelings and assuming how other people feel and what their situations are, which also sometimes holds me back from saying anything.

What I love about this place is that we can share how we're feeling, our worries and questions and whatever, but in every case we need to find the answers for ourselves.

I hope my posts at least let people know that there are others out there who will listen and do care, and might have some similar or at least analogous experiences. And at best might just suggest a direction to look in which could offer someone a different perspective.

I am really grateful for this place and the care people take in the effects of their words.

*I've only been out in any way for a couple of years, and only to maybe 15-20 people, so there's not a huge amount I'm able to say - so far

[Trinity]

There's some risk taking involved, and also having the guts to be open about who you are and what you feel in a place that is semi public, though there's the private parts too where its safe and vetted.

For myself, desperation drove me and still does to share.

Some once told me that it wasn't about what I was sharing that wss important, or what I know about my gender, it was that someone cared. Sharing is caring, most of the time.

Being afraid can hold a person back, but taking that next step makes them grow. And that helps others grow too.

[Iona]

Absolutely - the two things that have got me sharing more is my own need, and the hope that it might show to others that there are people out there listening, who do care

[Iona]

Jan 30, 2021 11:39:13 GMT 8 Trinity said:

There's some risk taking involved, and also having the guts to be open about who you are and what you feel in a place that is semi public

Yes, I felt that, which was why it took me a good year and a half or more to really show my face!

[Ativan Prescribed]

There isn't anything that could be considered stupid, its not a thing, not know can be maybe seen that way but then that would be one of those stupid things, in thinking that someone's lack of knowledge here makes them stupid.
It's like there is no such a thing as a stupid question.
But I feel like I say stupid shit all the time and then fall on the floor and wither around in agony over it and puke and then I'm over it, but there is no stupid things anyone really can say unless it to hurt someone else.
That would be stupid, intentional hurting others is sport only if they bring it on by being stupid for saying things that hurt others themselves...
But nobody here has all the answers and just even telling people you don't know is better than silence, because if they don't know and nobody says a thing, then they are left on that hook of feeling stupid because nobody said a thing.
I get over bearing and even more so get to be somewhat a smart ass, but thats not to be confused with a dumbass and responding because smartass is easier than saying I don't know.
But we all go through those silence stuff because sometimes we just don't know what to say, I do that all the time, but then smartass kicks in and then I think twice and actually let my brain roll around in something until I have something to say, not necessarily smart ass or even smart, just opinion or story or something to fill the ugly void left when nobody else has anything to say, not that its actually ugly but that its uncomfortable, there is always the like button as well, a favorite go to when I have nothing to add.
the risk of saying something wrong is actually very very low here. punctuation is more of a risk. or using there for they are or their for the same thing, which I claim the right to use the wrong one anytime I want, not that I want, but you know, because by the time I realize it, its generally to late, even though we can edit, its a pain in the ass to have to go back and edit and then there is that little thing that says you did and if you don't say why then who knows what changed, I might edit this just to edit it. But thanks to spell check from ggogle...

[Leena]

I do worry sometimes about those that just stop posting. I'm sure some end up figuring out they are binary trans, and there may be better places for them. If they figure out they are cis, that's fine too, if they really are that.

I can't help but think a lot just end up back in the closet. The whole idea of transitioning was very scary to me, and I'm still scared to come out to certain people. The closet, while confining, felt safe and wasn't that stressful. My bad experiences with 90s trans forums pushed me much deeper into the closet, and I do my best to not to do what pushed me away, mainly that there's one right way to be trans. It's hard not to be like that though, in other aspects of life, it's not as much of a problem to think your way is the best way.

[nyx]

I actively searched for a forum like this to find people to talk to. Many things I report here are things that are hard on me to the extend that I can't talk about it in real life not because I am too scared to tell for example my partner or a therapist BUT 1) because when starting to tell, I start crying so much it gets really difficult to continue any conversation and 2) I need to talk to people who have similar experiences because I want to hear about their perspective.

It worries me to think that my posts could be a trigger to others. But somehow, everything can be a trigger and we can't shut up for the sake of not triggering anyone because then we couldn't talk at all. So I try to warn before writing stuff that might be too much for some, but in the end I can't know how others feel about it - so yeah, it's a bit difficult.

BUT, there are helpful perspectives I use for my own safety that could be helpful for others too. They might sound obvious on the first glance, but I sometimes have to remind myself of them:

- Imagine we are all wearing glasses, not ones that make us see better, they're glasses that put a filter on everything. The filter consists of our very specific personal experiences and opinions and we can't perceive anything without the filter on it. We can't read posts without making associations. It is how our brains work, so keep that in mind.
- We don't know exactly how the glasses of others look. They lead different lives with different experiences that could be different from our own but they are valid, too.
- Giving advice is great, but we have a saying in Germany that goes, 'Ratschläge sind auch Schläge.' It is a play on words that doesn't work in english, but it means that advice can be like a punch on someone. In the most cases, sharing experiences and making clear that the advice you give is only coming from your very specific perspective is a better way to help than just by saying 'do this and that.'
- It all comes down to kindness. Whatever we have to say, if we chose to do it kindly and respectfully, it's gonna be ok.

I think being worried about the impact of your posts on others is a good sign that indicates you are already very sensitive and caring which is wonderful. So please, all of you, continue posting and sharing. You do much more good than harm!

-Nyx

[Trinity]

We do have the ability to identify trigger warnings. Its pretty easy, Nyx did it on the anger thread that I haven't posted on yet, because I have to be in the right head to do that. Sometimes I post that I saw a thread and need to think it over, that validates that it was seen, and that its not being blown off.

Everyone involves themselves as much as they like. I am in several 12 step programs, have been for decade, if I hadn't done that I'd have been dead at 27 and trans was a big contributing factor to that. So I bring that experience to the board, and that's why when I post I speak of my life experience without generally giving advice. Unless it is sought, then I may advise, but once I advise I have to own the result. By sharing experience, you own the result of drawing your own conclusions, and I am off the hook, and you won't resent me for saying something wrong and trying to manipulate or control you.

All that is actually AlAnon 101 lol. There goes my anonymity, not supposed to do that but just did.

I have intervened a few times, when prompted by the Spirit (and thats a big trigger for some but its again, my experience, I don't force it on anyone else) - and in those moments its been spot on, and I have had the great honor of contacting someone and them putting down a script bottle instead of offing themselves. Its rare but it has happened. That person is doing ok right now.

That't the thing, you just never know how what you are saying is going to make the difference, it litterally can and does save nb and trans lives. So fear, if it is the self centered kind, can short circuit that. Fear based on that still small voice that says "that might not be a good idea to share" is another matter entirely, for me, I have to pay attention to that. I triggered a friend the other day, they won't admit it, but I am furious with myself for doing that, and that is part of the problem.

I know Ativan isn't kidding about the vomitting post earlier, its actually like that for some, but they face the repercussions and do it anyway and they have grown a lot over the years. I've been at this for 8 years now, I think, maybe 7. They've been on longer and so has Leena, and Jayce who is very quiet has also been on a long time and is a veteran of the Forest War of the Old Forum.

This place is way different from that one, lots of folk are on other forums, and I don't know how those are. Our forum has a lot of depth, we talk about the things that matter and don't get frivoulous about it, this forum is about what its like to live nb/trans. Not theory, but real experience. The raw truth of what it is like, for us personally.

Precious place, this unicorn forest. Not many here, but we know each other so well it can be a "closed society" and others may not feel they fit in. But they do, they just don't know it. And the depth of knowledge here might be intimidating, but it shouldn't be at all. And again, its knowledge of our own selves and how NB works and feels for us.

Nobody should be mocked or belittled for a share. We may point out something that sounds off, but thats a lot different from shaming. We have far too much experience with that one.

Enjoying this thread here

[Droomvlucht]

The fact that this forum exists weighs heavier than the fact that some experiences can cause worries, I guess. I understand the worries and hesitation some of you might have though. I hope we can also share the happy stories, from what I see it now this is a place of hope and kindness. But honesty is important too. If you can't be honest here, where could you be?

Maybe I'm too new here to post in this thread though.

[Trinity]

Feb 5, 2021 20:00:41 GMT 8 Droomvlucht said:

The fact that this forum exists weighs heavier than the fact that some experiences can cause worries, I guess. I understand the worries and hesitation some of you might have though. I hope we can also share the happy stories, from what I see it now this is a place of hope and kindness. But honesty is important too. If you can't be honest here, where could you be?

Maybe I'm too new here to post in this thread though.

You are not too new.  You, and others like you, are why we exist, and we want to hear your comments.

We live for this....

That post is so spot on.

[nyx]

Feb 5, 2021 21:44:24 GMT 8 Trinity said:

Feb 5, 2021 20:00:41 GMT 8 Droomvlucht said:

The fact that this forum exists weighs heavier than the fact that some experiences can cause worries, I guess. I understand the worries and hesitation some of you might have though. I hope we can also share the happy stories, from what I see it now this is a place of hope and kindness. But honesty is important too. If you can't be honest here, where could you be?

Maybe I'm too new here to post in this thread though.

You are not too new.  You, and others like you, are why we exist, and we want to hear your comments.

We live for this....

That post is so spot on.

There are many people who join this forum, sometimes introduce themselves but then stop writing. Maybe they hesitate because they think they are too new? I think it doesn't matter how new you are, if you have something to share, it is great. I am very eager to read people's stories...

So to all who read this and feel too shy to post: you are welcome to say something 

[Droomvlucht]

Feb 6, 2021 16:03:38 GMT 8 nyx said:

Feb 5, 2021 21:44:24 GMT 8 Trinity said:

You are not too new.  You, and others like you, are why we exist, and we want to hear your comments.

We live for this....

That post is so spot on.

There are many people who join this forum, sometimes introduce themselves but then stop writing. Maybe they hesitate because they think they are too new? I think it doesn't matter how new you are, if you have something to share, it is great. I am very eager to read people's stories...

So to all who read this and feel too shy to post: you are welcome to say something 

Yeah but I meant to this thread in specific. What Trinity meant, I think (correct me if I'm wrong) is that when you try to help people who are very depressed or have worries because of their gender identity it can feel dangerous to post about your own worries. What I understand but still think it's best if anyone can be honest. As I haven't given anyone advice (yet) I thought I might be too new to comment on this.

And I think it's important to remember that in general most people are forum-readers, not posters.

[Trinity]

Feb 6, 2021 17:34:29 GMT 8 Droomvlucht said:

Feb 6, 2021 16:03:38 GMT 8 nyx said:

There are many people who join this forum, sometimes introduce themselves but then stop writing. Maybe they hesitate because they think they are too new? I think it doesn't matter how new you are, if you have something to share, it is great. I am very eager to read people's stories...

So to all who read this and feel too shy to post: you are welcome to say something 

Yeah but I meant to this thread in specific. What Trinity meant, I think (correct me if I'm wrong) is that when you try to help people who are very depressed or have worries because of their gender identity it can feel dangerous to post about your own worries. What I understand but still think it's best if anyone can be honest. As I haven't given anyone advice (yet) I thought I might be too new to comment on this.

And I think it's important to remember that in general most people are forum-readers, not posters.

Both are true.

If folk don't post, how can we share our own experiences that might be helpful?

Its all good.