Does binarism and dysphoria block your acceptance of beingNB

[Trinity]

Dysphoria often blocks my acceptance of my NB/androgyne nature, as opposed to the trans side of me.

Its harder for me to accept being nb than to accept being trans.  And the physical part of dysphoria drives me crazy.

Yet, when I quiet down, its so obvious that I am nb trans androgyne.

Does binarism, or your dysphoria, block being able to accept and fully enjoy your nonbinariness?

Does social pressure do that?

Something for new members to get to open up about.  Don't be shy

[Iona]

Another big question I have no good answer to...

What I have questioned about myself over the past 2 years is whether I felt drawn to the idea of being nonbinary because it was somewhat easier for me to accept than the idea of being binary trans, or whether I'm now drawn to a more binary trans sense of myself because it feels easier to fit into a binary than challenge the matrix.

That said, I definitely still see myself as nonbinary, if fitting more into a binary trans mold than I'd initially imagined.

Closer to an answer, though, I still feel really dysphoric, but it no longer stops me acknowledging and embracing my nonbinaryness/transness.

[Trinity]

Jan 24, 2021 9:08:27 GMT 8 Iona said:

Another big question I have no good answer to...

What I have questioned about myself over the past 2 years is whether I felt drawn to the idea of being nonbinary because it was somewhat easier for me to accept than the idea of being binary trans, or whether I'm now drawn to a more binary trans sense of myself because it feels easier to fit into a binary than challenge the matrix.

That said, I definitely still see myself as nonbinary, if fitting more into a binary trans mold than I'd initially imagined.

Closer to an answer, though, I still feel really dysphoric, but it no longer stops me acknowledging and embracing my nonbinaryness/transness.

I think a lack of clarity comes because of the boomerang effect, fighting the gender and the perceptions and burying a part of ourselves.  When that part starts getting freed it can be overwhelming, and what it did was take me way to the binary trans identity, but I always was aware that I don't fit the whole narative.

So it took time, transitioning to me, and a lot of acceptance and healing for me to start to really feel the "core" - the deep part of me that is freed from denial and knows the truth of all of it.  And the matrix blocks that understanding, pressures from without block it, pressure from within exert themselves, and it gets very uncomfortable until there is some kind of equilibrium that balances it out.

By far the media and the government have been the most destabilizing influence, in Florida they want to jail any docs  that treat trans under 21 for child abuse, the latest push from that group to eradicate us and deny the science of the truth of us.  And that wreaks havok with my own peace to freely be myself.

Fear is always the big roadblock for me.

Easier to fit into a binary vs nonbinary, well it sure is when you need to use the ladies room, I carry a letter from my shrink that says I am nonbinary trans female and should be allowed to use bathrooms and locker rooms.  I wouldn't dare use a locker room.  Bathroom, yes, and many times.  One of the most dangerous moments for me was being called out and forced to use a mens room when I was presenting full out she.  It was excruciatingly humiliating and I could have been killed for it, or at least beaten up.  But nobody, and there were a lot of men there, said one word or looked at me.

Never ever again.

So, yeah, nothing simple, is it?

[Ativan Prescribed]

I've never really doubted that I'm just NB although growing up it was just being a feminine boy to a large extent, I recognized that parts of me spoke as a girl and other parts spoke as a boy and most of the time that voice was both in some form or another.
I never really had much desire to be female, and at the same time I didn't really accept that I was male, it's like a duality that exists at the same time and isn't separable, even though I can clearly see feel and touch both sides so to speak, to me it isn't sides though.
It depends on what exactly is going on as to whether I can separate myself into recognizable sides, sometimes its very easy and other times just impossible, stressful situations brings out the sides and usually in some conflicting manner.
But I'm also one of those people who thrives on stressful situations, to me those are the times that there is clarity even in situations that are stressful because of conflicting information from the world around me, senses seem to sharpen up and for me, I live for it.
I'm not the kind of person you want to argue with, but I will listen and say my piece and thats as much as I'll give others, tell me I'm wrong in an argumentative way and you get overwhelming argument back, if you can prove I'm wrong, just do it, don't talk about it.
But stress comes in many forms and those things that most people won't do or try because number one it is scary and number two it could easily go sideways and you'll get hurt and number three, my favorite, that if it goes sideways, you betcha you're going to probably die.
For me, stepping into it is the way forward when others tend to stop or worse yet just back up, the simple physical act of stepping forward changes the parameters right now and that means having to adjust the thinking to compensate, and studies show this releases chemicals in the brain that are flooding the centers that feels good, and even in just normal times the same thing happens but to a lesser degree of course, but that feels good from taking a walk? Run instead and you get runners high, step into danger and it just goes crazy, everything comes into focus and you get a huge amount of clarity.
And it is in those times that I can easily determine what is being said by that inner voice we all have and use, except there is distinct differences in what I hear, not so much an argument with myself but a consideration of different viewpoints, and they tend to be male and female, as in a persons sex, and the combined inner dialogue is my gender and its clear and upfront, there is no time to think in analyzing ways about what that means, its in my face and I act accordingly to it, same as anyone, with the exception that from what I hear, most people will have a mostly male of female inner voice and it rarely if ever changes.
Don't get me wrong about this death wish as some people have said I can have, they don't understand that there is all the normal fear, I choose to override that, it isn't like it isn't there, in fact it is the raw fear and overcoming that counts.
Being brave and doing things because you have no fear is not brave, thats stupidity, doing things and acting in ways to override the fear with clarity is what constitutes brave, but I have to admit that things never work out exactly like you want, things always go sideways at least somewhat.
It's in the agility of clarity that you compensate and keep going, because once you commit to an action, in general there is no easy way to back out, skydiving is a good example of that, difficult if not impossible to step back into the plane...
But I stress this because when I read about people having this or that fear and that it holds them back, I just want to yell that you need to step forward, but I understand it completely, it isn't like I will rush into a burning building, gotta kinda plan as much as possible first.
And this is how it feels, like you never really know what's going on in the building, but by thinking it through, checking gear if you have some, deciding on the odds and the what ifs, you can make the decision of whether it is a go or no go, if running in is death or not running in is something that you will forever regret, and thats the thing that makes me want to yell at people to step forward, the only thing you should never have in your past is regret, you play it over and over in your head and it haunts your waking hours and causes bad dreams as well.
If you're going to have bad dreams, at least make them about the horror of being inside that building on fire, stepping out the door of a plane is not the time to have regrets and neither is every second after that and even after you successfully hit the ground without major head injury or death.
A broken leg or arm or two is all a part of playing the game, if you're going to play, you have to expect to lose once in a while, it's what makes the game what it is, otherwise you are no more than a spectator in life.
And this is why you need to step forward and past the roadblock that you yourself put up, it isn't others, its your fear of others, they don't in general say stop, you in general tell yourself to stop, and I have never had someone tell me stop who meant it anyways, its more like you should stop.
Your journey is about finding your truths, your failure to step forward when you can is on you, and it hurts you to not find that truth that might be just one step farther along the way, if you fail to move forward, then you have reached your destination.
Everytime you let fear rule you and not guide you, thats one time again that you are a spectator and when you are, the view never changes and life becomes dull and takes forever to change because life goes on without you and it will leave you standing there, you have to step forward and challenge your fears, you have to listen to the voice inside and not let it talk you out of what is essentially just the fear of the unknown, the truths you seek are in that unknown, whether simple truths or complicated life changing realizations, life very seldom if ever just hands those to you, step forward.
It make little difference if there is danger or not, the only way to really know is to do it, because just standing there you can still die from anything and everything, lightning likes a standing target, stand on the corner long enough and you will get run over by a car, the ground can open up into a sinkhole, some errant bullet from someones gun that it makes no difference at all who's it is might just plink you in the head, and these things can happen if you are moving forward, but when you have great clarity you tend to be able to step to the side faster if you need to let danger go by.
I have talked myself into things like dysphoria to an extent, but just tried a bunch of things and found out it was over rated, the dysphoria, its like as soon as I stepped forward with it, it became just a thing, but NB, thats how my gender works, it isn't binary at all.
But my life is about not being a target tacked onto a pole in the ground, I'm still a target, but its damn hard to hit a moving one and life tends to pick the stationary ones first.
When things feel bogged down, its because they are, time for a change, first step is s tep forward on your path, the dangers ahead are no different or worse than the dangers when you stand and the ones you left behind, and if they turn out to be bigger badder, then be up for the challenge. otherwise you risk a fate far worse than it has to offer, and thats being a spectator in life.

[Trinity]

One thing I am glad I got the opportunity to do was to live it full out in NY, take it all the way into the binary and live it, 3 months at a time, see how it felt. It felt good and I could have easily done it and stayed with it. Dangerous as hell but so worth doing.

And by doing it, a lot of my questions were answered, it was calculated somewhat, street sense, but it was still the whole thing, and I really miss that part of it, it was my best times to be out full out, and getting home late on the subways, dangerous maxed.

But by taking those risks it answered so many questions, and there was always that thing in the back of my head, the commentary, dialogue of truth, about what is and what is not, and truth is for me that I am nonbinary trans and its a real thing. I can play the matrix many ways, and each way is immersive, so that when I am in it, it can be as if there is nothing else, full sh'e or she or he or they or whatever, its totally immersive in each case. But there is always the commentary deep down, and its been a long time, so I am not totally clear on it, but it basically always lands as I am not a woman, and that is what separates me from most binary trans, that and a lot of other things as well, but its a big part of it, I identify more with them, but I am different, I am trans.

I agree with Ativan, no risk no gain, face the fear and go through it to the other side and win the prize, but also know the costs before you go in. Especially with trans, you need your head on.

[nyx]

Jan 24, 2021 3:40:53 GMT 8 Trinity said:

Dysphoria often blocks my acceptance of my NB/androgyne nature, as opposed to the trans side of me.

Its harder for me to accept being nb than to accept being trans.  And the physical part of dysphoria drives me crazy.

Yet, when I quiet down, its so obvious that I am nb trans androgyne.

Does binarism, or your dysphoria, block being able to accept and fully enjoy your nonbinariness?

Does social pressure do that?

Something for new members to get to open up about.  Don't be shy

This is quite an interesting question, and while still having to get a lot of stuff around my head, I have some thoughts on it...
When I first had the idea of myself being nb, I was sitting in a train from university to my appartement. I don't even remember the context but a child mentioned me talking to their parent, using the words 'die Frau da' (= that woman over there) and I thought, 'ok, so this child perceives me as a woman, interesting. Strange. But why is this strange to me? It's not like I'm not a woman...?' Never read about someone experiencing it this way, but for me it was like a very certain moment in which I thought, 'what if...' and since then couldn't stop thinking about it.
I went to my appartement, it was a very cold day or at least I felt cold so I decided to go directly in my bed, under two blankets. My head was still confused by this idea that simply created itself and wouldn't go away. I spent the whole afternoon and evening until late in my bed, googling about nb and what it feels like being neither cis nor trans, taking a lot of stupid tests online that were mostly about stereotypes like 'do you like make-up' and so on. It didn't really help. Only thing I knew was, this was something huge. I just had to work it out. Well as you know from my posts here, I'm still working on it and it's been nearly a year but well...
My partner (just to say it again, he is the best human on earth) gifted me some books for christmas, the tensorate series by Neon Yang, a queer fantasy series by an nb author. If you haven't read it, I strongly recommend it! (perhaps I'm gonna make a thread about it because it is so awesome... just finished the first novel but already love it) Why I'm mentioning it here: in the book universe, there are people who are raised non-gendered until they pick their gender, this is called confirmation and just then they are treated to develop certain gender features (it's only f and m but there are people who struggle with the binary so no one is unseen here) and when I came about the passage when one character found out that they are (rather?) male and decided to go for it, it was described how their heart was pounding in excitement imagining to use male pronouns and be called by them and so on, it was a very intense moment. And I, reading this, felt my heart pounding, too! And I realized that I strongly identified with this character. I made me start thinking... I always identify with the male charakters in books. I kept thinking I was just a nonconforming girl, then thought I'm an nb person with female sex, maybe in another universe I would be male but in this world... got the female card, right? Society teaches you to accept what you get. But who am I to listen to what society teaches me? I've learned already that there are many things going wrong if you just listen to the masses.
Next day, I was depressed. Cried a lot.

Next day, same.

Next day, I spent THE WHOLE DAMN DAY reading blogs and watching videos on FTM/FTN/FTNB transition. I couldn't stop. It was fascinating. But it was also scary as hell. You might ask, what was scary? Not the transition stuff! What scared me was how much I thought about wanting to do this. So I cried again. A lot. At night, I would talk to my partner about it. Told him that I was afraid of being. Trans. Couldn't stop crying. But he was there for me. He was overwhealmed, confused, but there for me as he noticed my fears were bigger than his.
This is where we are now. He asked me how to adress me now and I said, I don't know. Really. I said I might need time to think. I am not sure if I really want any kind of transition, for several reasons.

When thinking about which is harder to accept, the nb thing or the trans thing, although for me they seem to be strongly connected, I suppose nb is complicated because to fully understand it, we must get rid of the whole idea of the binary. So for binary trans, you might have to accept that the binary isn't perfect but after transition, you're kind of binary again so the binary still works. To people who only accept the binary, it would be easier to understand someone telling them they are in the wrong body, for example a female assigned body but need to transition to be what they are inside - male. It is just a switch then. And when I think about how hard it is to get by as a binary trans person already, it seems logical to me that it is even harder when talking about nb/trans nb. Because trans people are marginalized because people say they don't exist or they are just mad etc - if you then tell them you are neither male nor female you, in a way, cease to exist as something they can even grasp as existing.

But this is all about bigots and social pressure, so I think when it comes down to looking at the issue from a non-bigot point of view, it is different.

Dysphoria not only blocks one from accepting/enjoying their nbness, if it is hitting in, it blocks one from being happy at all because it is simply a bad kind of feeling. I feel dysphoric about my chest, my voice and I tend to think about my menstruation but maybe this is only because it causes me crippling pain and emotional instability so I guess nobody would like that. But the dysphoria is not always that bad so there are days I don't care much. What confuses me most is that I know that my partner whom I deeply love, is heavily attracted to my chest. I look in the mirror and think, oh no it's horrible. He sees me naked, he loves it. This is so weird.
It seems that being nb is not automatically connected to physical changes or look changes while being trans without having any changes is descibed my many who experience it as a big source of suffering. I don't know any nb person who is completely free from dysphoria though so I am not sure about it and can only talk about myself who seems to be somewhere in between, experiencing dysphoria and considering myself to be nb... 

I think what blocks me the most is, after all, the binary. The whole world seems to be made for binary people. Everything is gendered. Go to a toys' store, there is one half pink and the other is blue, it disgusts me. Standing out of this shit is scaring me though. But being trans is not less scary and feels even more dangerous to me. That said, I am talking from deep inside the closet because for the trans part, I'm not even out to myself (but the hunch is growing...) and only a few chosen ones know about the nb thing. At this moment, I can not even imagine outing myself as nb at work. Outing as trans seems similarily difficult. Too big the fear of being seen as weirdo, or of being unseen. But the biggest fear is the one of being unable to undo it. I can't go around telling people that I am nb and then reconsider it, saying 'please forget about it and call me she again' because only the thought of it feels so humiliating.
A few months ago, I tried to come out to my parents as nb but it didn't go well. I cried a lot and because I've had some drinks that evening, the next day my mom said I was upset because I was drunk. So I tried to explain it again, and she would ask what exactly my problem is and what I want. I couldn't really explain what I wanted, so I said I don't want people to put ascriptions on me only because I am a woman. She told me then that she perceives herself as a very manly woman because she is strong and loud and stuff and that she doesn't give much about what people think and I could be myself as I am but couldn't change that I am a woman. Then she told me about all the good attributes I have, like intelligence, charakter etc and how proud she is about the person I have become. But I think she will never understand what nb means. So I let her be and never talked about it again.
What adds up to the list of things making things complicated, is the fact that we have this pandemic going on and I've spent 99% of the time since last march at home. So I am only imagining things since then, and am unable to try anything out. I can't even go to a clothes' store (thought about trying on how it feels to wear 'men's' clothes) because they are all locked down... crazy times...

[Leena]

My family did not accept me being trans when I came out when as a little kid. I don't know they will be any more accepting of me being nonbinary from their reaction the times it has come up.

I have a hard time picturing coming out as nonbinary professionally too. I'm not sure coming out as binary trans will go much better. I'm kind of going to have to do one or the other though. That I kind of have to pick bothers me.

I guess where I struggle is that my transition goals are pretty close to the same as binary trans and I've already achieved a lot of them. While there isn't a single nonbinary look, I look more like what is generally perceived as a trans woman than what is perceived as a nonbinary person. People do judge a book by it's cover. I also don't really want to go around having to explain nonbinary to cis people. I'm a very quiet person IRL, and really just go with what others perceive me as, even if it sometimes still is as a guy.

That I am like this does make me feel nonbinary though. I don't care about social stuff that much because I don't really want to socialize with unaccepting people. I did enough of that when I was totally in the closet.

[Ativan Prescribed]

The most difficult road we travel is truth in ourselves, knowing what is true for us and if it is different from the mainstream, then accepting ourselves as we are.
It isn't about informing everyone who we are, it'd be nice, sure, to have others accept us as we are, but consider all the other aspects of life and how we don't act out on those things.
It's because of the uncertainty of things we wish ourselves to be, those things like becoming a great storyteller and writer, an artist in things like paint, a musician, great in some sort of sport.
When we self doubt, we hold ourselves back from even trying in some cases and often in many cases.
Gender is a very personal thing and despite you thinking that you are alone or a part of a very small group of people, you're not... so many people hold their gender self awareness close to their heart, they know and thats good enough until things change.
But again, its the self doubt that makes the road to truthfulness in self the hardest one of them all, before you venture out in the world with new found ideas of self, you have to have the conviction of self truth higher than the convictions of mainstream society.
Once you find more of the truth of self, it becomes just like going out and buying some oil paint or the like and something to draw and be artistic with, its finding the inner talent that makes the difference and if it is there, it starts to come out on its own.
Gender is a lot like that, the more you find yourself in it, the more it just becomes a bigger part of who you are, it spills out into the world like the ability to do anything, you need to find the truth of self and always step forward on that path.
And this holds true for virtually everything about self, you need to take those steps whether carefully or not, you need to take them one at a time and always know that not every step you take in life works the way you wanted, but the only way to get from here to there is to keep stepping forward.
When things get tough, you just need to find the way to be tougher, when you stop learning more about yourself and think there is nothing left to really do, not only do you become stagnant, but life becomes it as well, you've reached the destination before you got there.
There has never been a time in our lives where you can gain knowledge is such easy ways, think about this, you have apps available to learn not another language, but several of them and at the same time if you want, no courses, just use your phone....
life is not standing still and neither should you. Everything you want to know can be found one way or another on your phone, and its going to continue to get easier than that, for a lot of you, life opportunities and what you are capable of is going to just get better and better.
Find your truths and use them to move forward.