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7,160
Trinity
DES Trans
14,583
Nov 5, 2015 13:41:59 GMT 8
November 2015
trinity
Non-Binary
Sh'e, H'er, they them, she, he, whatever....
Bisexual
Faithfully Married.
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Post by Trinity on May 14, 2020 21:06:12 GMT 8
I forgot how dangerous it is to be trans in Trumps America, Trump just being a manifestation of the greater disease, the bigotry of the Cis.
This morning I did an unsafe thing, I took out the garbage while wearing a mens black satin robe and my toenails showed. A neighbor spotted me, and those people are blabbermouths.
So, probably outed and probably going to be in trouble for it.
My wife had nightmares all night about being stalked again and driven out of our home again, its happened to us 3 times before.
I think I got lulled to sleep and denial about the times around us. The necessity to be stealth and to be safe is a big one, yes we try to fight for our rights but I think its time to realize that the world is far from fair, it is hostile and genocidal and that seems to be programmed into male and even female DNA.
So this morning I am filled with fear, and my wife again was angry with me because no matter where we go, we get chased and abused and shamed, and it cost me my work, my jobs, and she is rubbing my nose in that, that it is my fault that I lost our retirement because I chose to be trans and transition and ruined their lives because of that.
Yeah I know, its the bigots that ruinied it all and caused all this pain on the family, it should not be me. But I was wrong about this thing, yes I can be who I am, but I have to understand that we are in a war and we are losing that war, and its hard not to be a casualty of it.
Denial- time to wake up.
I'm not happy right now, I am going to be driven back into the closet again, I see it coming, and although I am sick of it, losing another home to the bigots is unacceptable, it screwed my kids up for their lifetimes, and it screwed me and my wife up for our lives as well.
America, you are not free. You lie. You are unsafe, and dangerous, and kill innocents.
I am totally freaked out, very afraid. Here we go again, over and over again, never finding peace and always living in fear of others empowered to harm in so many ways.
Negative post but better to be real about it, there is a cost to being real in a society that enforces brutality.
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Trinity
DES Trans
14,583
Nov 5, 2015 13:41:59 GMT 8
November 2015
trinity
Non-Binary
Sh'e, H'er, they them, she, he, whatever....
Bisexual
Faithfully Married.
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Post by Trinity on May 15, 2020 0:17:15 GMT 8
Feeling a bit better now but I do get it, its one thing to dare the matrix, its another to fail to assess the enemy and underestimate them.
Florida is a state where they are actively trying to suppress trans rights. I forgot how hard I had to fight, and that there are still plenty of guys who call faggot and would just love to beat the shit out of you.
It was starting to be a nice country, we are back where I was in 1969 and worse.
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Nov 5, 2015 13:41:59 GMT 8
November 2015
trinity
Non-Binary
Sh'e, H'er, they them, she, he, whatever....
Bisexual
Faithfully Married.
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Post by Trinity on May 15, 2020 1:44:23 GMT 8
Here's the thing. Its not like it wasn't always like this, but we got a taste of what freedom felt like and what it was like to have allies. They are still out there, they won't go away.
But its like the old days in some ways, we can still have a good quality of life, but we have to learn how to negotiate the matrix to be able to live as we need to live and thrive in spite of the things going around us.
Thats true of thriving in spite of the virus, in spite of the hatred, in spite of all the things we can look at in a half empty glass while ignoring that the glass is half full, and what its full of is glorious.
So for me it is time to count my blessings, sure don't live in denial, but also, don't live upset, it is what it is and I cannot change it much, but I can change me in my way of dealing with it and negotiating the matrix. I just have to remember that its easy to go to sleep at the wheel in this matrix, be lulled into false security, trans females can't afford to do that, and in many ways, cis females can't either, all of us that are vulnerable are at risk and just need to keep our heads on.
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Mar 19, 2018 2:50:15 GMT 8
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rebeccas
Demigirl
Androgynous
In private, feminine
They/Their/Them
(she/her/hers in safe spaces)
Queer
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Post by Becky on May 15, 2020 2:59:46 GMT 8
Trinity, I am so sorry. I feel this down to my bones. Every time I fall in love with curled eyelashes or a bold color on my fingernails, I have to think if it's safe for me to show myself outside the house. Things are so much worse than they were just a few years ago.
I sincerely hope that this is a generational thing. We may just have to wait for enough bigots to die of old age - I see so many young folks who understand that gender is a social construct. I hate that waiting is the best course of action, but there it is. I'm also going to be a LOT more politically active and vocal. But...I'm in Kentucky. We'll see what happens.
Be safe Trinity. I'm sending hugs. <3
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Nov 5, 2015 13:41:59 GMT 8
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trinity
Non-Binary
Sh'e, H'er, they them, she, he, whatever....
Bisexual
Faithfully Married.
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Post by Trinity on May 15, 2020 4:14:21 GMT 8
Ativan has pointed out the ways of the warrior.
They lived the real deal, but they don't like to talk about it. If you read their book on Amazon, you will have another understanding.
Part of being a warrior is understanding the surroundings, understanding what to do, when to do it, when not to. Its in seizing the moments, and not taking unnecessary risks if those would be foolish, especially if that would endanger those around us.
Its in accepting that we are in a war, an undeclared war against us on a spiritual, mental and physical level, but that we don't have to cave in to the enemy, but instead, thrive in the face of it. It's what the older ones of us have done for decades in one way or another, but I was late to that party, decieved by the matrix and controlled by fear.
It's an awakening of sorts for me, I had fallen asleep, this little forum is a life raft and a place of hiding to go and to be real, its our safe house.
Its protected like one as well, sometimes its not very nice but it is.
I just needed to wake up and smell the coffee, and get smart.
Be smart. In the job I continue to try to do, I have allies at the top, or I would have been out long ago. Its not much money but its something. And I have respect there, and hatred as well towards me by some. So be it, it helped the community to be out. But am I willing to do that somewhere else?
Not at this age I am not. Nor am I willing to go "deep cover" and cut my hair and all that jazz and do the actors gig of playing man, which I fail at anyway, it comes off as effeminate and gay no matter what I do, I'd rather just be real.
So yeah, it cost me maybe a million bucks in income, so what. I would have lost my mind and maybe my life.
If I had stayed in the NY theater I would have lost even more.
So, I'm in my own safe house and fortifying it, but I won't be going out of the house like that again, it may or may not be too late for damage control, but whatever, done is done and I am at the mercy of God.
There may be another boomerang against the hatred in our society, but it could be a future generation, this one is hopelessly bound up in it and has failed miserably at basic civility and protection of freedom, and I mean everyones freedom, even the ones that are so dead wrong.
If people just didn't want to screw up other peoples lives and strove to understand them and help others instead, it would be a very different world.
But as to our lives, especially as trans feminine nonbinary, we need to be pretty smart and make our own happiness independent of the world around us and its evil.
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Aug 24, 2016 11:03:57 GMT 8
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violynne
Non-Binary
They/Their/Them
Pansexual
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Post by Yuki on May 15, 2020 4:33:16 GMT 8
I keep having to remind my husband not to call me "they" in random public places. But even then, I'm less at risk than anyone who is AMAB and trans.
And actually, we stopped at a rest stop earlier today in Mississippi.. I hear that it's not exactly the most progressive state when it comes to things like that.. but we had to use the bathroom and some guy was cleaning them when we went in.
And I'm wearing men's clothes because it's comfortable, and my hair buzzed of course. But my chest very obvious, can't hide that.
So this guy was trying to figure out how to hurry and get out of our way.. and he did ask, in a nice way, which bathrooms we needed. Like if I needed the women's, or what.
I'm assuming it was meant as a good gesture, since he wasn't rude about it, and seemed like he just didn't want to assume what bathroom I wanted... in some truck stop in the middle of nowhere Mississippi with nothing else around for miles.
There are people that are at least somewhat decent around in random places.
Or maybe I just get lucky. I don't know.
At the same time though, I have seen people give rude stares to our roommate when we'd be out with her.
People hate and sexualize women so much that they can't imagine why anyone would transition to a woman, I guess. But it's "cool" to be a guy, or masculine.
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Leena
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She/Her
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Post by Leena on May 15, 2020 4:54:33 GMT 8
It's funny, I took out the trash yesterday wearing a men's T-shirt and jeans, and forgot I had my nails painted charcoal gray. One of my neighbors saw me, and what are they going to do?
What are your neighbors going to do? Don't you own that place?
Shrugged it off and took a longer walk to check my mail and several more of my neighbors saw me. Live in fear, and bullies smell it. Be bold and they are the ones that are afraid to act.
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7,160
Trinity
DES Trans
14,583
Nov 5, 2015 13:41:59 GMT 8
November 2015
trinity
Non-Binary
Sh'e, H'er, they them, she, he, whatever....
Bisexual
Faithfully Married.
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Post by Trinity on May 15, 2020 6:39:05 GMT 8
It's funny, I took out the trash yesterday wearing a men's T-shirt and jeans, and forgot I had my nails painted charcoal gray. One of my neighbors saw me, and what are they going to do? What are your neighbors going to do? Don't you own that place? Shrugged it off and took a longer walk to check my mail and several more of my neighbors saw me. Live in fear, and bullies smell it. Be bold and they are the ones that are afraid to act. True and I do that. But I also have had my kids in psyche wards because of stalking. What I am personally willing to face, when they go after my family, and they have before, more than once, for other reasons, then there comes a point to make a choice. I never, ever want to see what I saw before, happen again, I can't even begin to describe just how terrible it was for us. Me, no, not afraid. And we all have guns and they know I have mine. I don't think anyone will do anything at all, not here. But its hard to lose the fear when you have lost everything several times. Not coming down on you, don't misjudge the tone, just saying, hey, this happened a couple times, and it had consequences, but again, it wasn't trans related, it was race related and that's why I live down here. That and they wanted to rape my kids and in CT we don't have the self defense laws we have here.
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Post by Leena on May 15, 2020 8:47:37 GMT 8
It's funny, I took out the trash yesterday wearing a men's T-shirt and jeans, and forgot I had my nails painted charcoal gray. One of my neighbors saw me, and what are they going to do? What are your neighbors going to do? Don't you own that place? Shrugged it off and took a longer walk to check my mail and several more of my neighbors saw me. Live in fear, and bullies smell it. Be bold and they are the ones that are afraid to act. True and I do that. But I also have had my kids in psyche wards because of stalking. What I am personally willing to face, when they go after my family, and they have before, more than once, for other reasons, then there comes a point to make a choice. I never, ever want to see what I saw before, happen again, I can't even begin to describe just how terrible it was for us. Me, no, not afraid. And we all have guns and they know I have mine. I don't think anyone will do anything at all, not here. But its hard to lose the fear when you have lost everything several times. Not coming down on you, don't misjudge the tone, just saying, hey, this happened a couple times, and it had consequences, but again, it wasn't trans related, it was race related and that's why I live down here. That and they wanted to rape my kids and in CT we don't have the self defense laws we have here. I'm not willing to go back into the closet just because some bigots are less afraid of being vocal about it lately.
Laws really don't do anything if people don't follow them. It all comes down to juries if you have to do something that self defense laws might help with, though I'd rather not live in a state that allows trans panic defense than stand your ground if I'm going to choose a state based on legal defenses. Stand your ground generally only works with juries if you are perceived to be white cishet anyway. That is what being in the closet and to an extent passing is all about. Appeasing the white cishet bigots. I'm done with that.
I'm sorry about my tone. There is just nothing wrong with being visibly trans. I let the bullies push me into the closet once as a kid. I won't let them again as an adult. Life in denial was just going through the motions.
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DES Trans
14,583
Nov 5, 2015 13:41:59 GMT 8
November 2015
trinity
Non-Binary
Sh'e, H'er, they them, she, he, whatever....
Bisexual
Faithfully Married.
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Post by Trinity on May 15, 2020 10:01:06 GMT 8
True and I do that. But I also have had my kids in psyche wards because of stalking. What I am personally willing to face, when they go after my family, and they have before, more than once, for other reasons, then there comes a point to make a choice. I never, ever want to see what I saw before, happen again, I can't even begin to describe just how terrible it was for us. Me, no, not afraid. And we all have guns and they know I have mine. I don't think anyone will do anything at all, not here. But its hard to lose the fear when you have lost everything several times. Not coming down on you, don't misjudge the tone, just saying, hey, this happened a couple times, and it had consequences, but again, it wasn't trans related, it was race related and that's why I live down here. That and they wanted to rape my kids and in CT we don't have the self defense laws we have here. I'm not willing to go back into the closet just because some bigots are less afraid of being vocal about it lately.
Laws really don't do anything if people don't follow them. It all comes down to juries if you have to do something that self defense laws might help with, though I'd rather not live in a state that allows trans panic defense than stand your ground if I'm going to choose a state based on legal defenses. Stand your ground generally only works with juries if you are perceived to be white cishet anyway. That is what being in the closet and to an extent passing is all about. Appeasing the white cishet bigots. I'm done with that.
I'm sorry about my tone. There is just nothing wrong with being visibly trans. I let the bullies push me into the closet once as a kid. I won't let them again as an adult. Life in denial was just going through the motions.
If its on your property in this state, its pretty clear. If its not, I don't know what plays out, and I wouldn't have a gun to carry anyway. I'm not afraid of violence that way. But the usual tactic is harassment and fear tactics, that is what got us before. I just don't want a repeat of it. It happened before I came here, about 10 or 15 years ago. There's nothing wrong with your tone.
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Ativan Prescribed
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Post by Ativan Prescribed on May 15, 2020 10:02:46 GMT 8
Live in fear, and bullies smell it. Be bold and they are the ones that are afraid to act. This.
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Post by Leena on May 16, 2020 9:28:20 GMT 8
If its on your property in this state, its pretty clear. If its not, I don't know what plays out, and I wouldn't have a gun to carry anyway. I'm not afraid of violence that way. But the usual tactic is harassment and fear tactics, that is what got us before. I just don't want a repeat of it. It happened before I came here, about 10 or 15 years ago. There's nothing wrong with your tone. It took me a very long time to get to the point of not caring what the neighbors think.
I really don't feel I had much of a choice. I have to walk a long way to my car, usually past several people. It may be somewhat safer here than other places, but some percentage of people here are Trump supporters. Even if I might pass with a lot of effort, I couldn't be stealth here because all of them have seen me with the beard while growing it out for electrolysis.
I'm not sure I would even want that. I'd much rather be totally out visibly trans. Not quite there yet, but heading in that direction regardless of what Trump and his supporters say.
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