Bravery, the courage to overcome it all

[Trinity]

Most people don't have a clue, none at all.

For most people, just walking out the door isn't an act of courage, its just walking out the door.

For us, if our gender is showing, its an act of bravery.

To be who we really are, is an act of bravery.

And to shed the lies of all the years, late in them, to transition, is an act of bravery.  All of it driven by dysphoria, and we sometimes are driven mad, right off the edge.

Knowing the cost of it, knowing the cost of not coming out, knowing what it is to hide, or not.  Being silent when you must, and vocal when its time.

And then our energy reserves are drained out, and self care becomes essential.  

Some of the bravest people I have ever met are trans.  Some have told me the art of dumpster diving, to find something to eat, in NY, how they survive it, because they were homeless and young.  And I saw so many, many people die.

Lots of us do, we just stop posting or talking, fade out, disappear.   But there are so many of us that are the warrior hearts, that refuse to let the cistem take us down and out, that refuse to give up hope, that refuse to off ourselves before the miracle, because when we do that, then the bullies win.

Screw that shit.

And there is wisdom in slow transition for spouses, for being blended on the job.

I faced it yesterday, I was working on the job, threw on a shirt over my blouse and a suit jacket over that so the boobs don't show, but left my makeup on, and my feather in, knee high boots and womens classy leather jacket I inherited from my mom.   Looked quite interesting, trans, yes, but not over the top female either, just looked me.  I was stealth sh'e before, at the bloodwork, and loved that.  Saw some guys in the parking lot, got read, I don't care.....sorry they are uncomfortable but they make me uncomfortable too so just go your way and don't even think about taking me on, nobody gets to do that.

And the new ceo of the business made a snide comment about my earing, and I said to the supervisor - so you going to keep him reigned in?  Kept it friendly, but it was a volley back, I don't take bullshit, and thats why I got fired from my last job.   No consequences this time and it would be unwise to screw with me here in the land of Pulse, no big deal, stood my ground, usually get respect for that and probably did again.

Yeah it takes guts to be trans, but  I think it gets easier as we go, or we have less to lose, or something, I dunno.  I wont volunteer for abuse nor put myself in a position to be driven from my home again, though that was never for trans I know what that one is like all too well, too many times.... 

Its the warriors mode.  When to blend, when to challenge, when to make a move, what to do.

Make a difference, if you can, be the difference, in the little things, one more time...

And yes I can be blunt, but the stakes are too high to cave in on stuff like this, we have to be strong, don't we?   And for those who are not strong, what can we do....

So many of my friends are dead.  And so many were dead before they were 30.   But then, there are the other ones, some are stars, some are just out there living, but every one of them, no matter who they are, deserve so much respect for being the overcomers they proved to be.

Do you feel like you have to be brave to be you?

[Ativan Prescribed]

I'm just never used to taking shit from anyone and I can dish it out better than most who do try to give me shit.
It's all a matter of what the alternative is going to be, once made the mark, you have twice the time getting past it, better to not let them get ahead of you in it.
I can see people who are going to be afraid of something physical happening to them, its always a possibility and you always have to be aware that it can happen.
But 90% of more of the time people are just talk and nothing more, even the ones who give the impression they would like to do something.
You have to figure that they are not willing to risk jail first, and secondly, they don't know if you can kick their ass or not, if they give the impression they will, give it right back.
I've never had someone just out and out go against that and actually do something, but I have had people do that if I walk away from them and their asshole friends egg them on.
If you are in any way scared of a pysical confrontation, then get defense training, it's usually free somewhere that you can get to, you don't have to sign on to a deal or become some martial arts person.
Knowing how to take care of yourself is the very best way to be able to get through lifes assholse like that, you don't back away and they will, because they don't want to risk jail or humiliation.
Besides, it can easily save your life if someone is trying to rob you or just hurt you because they can, you know the pooints where it counts to use pressure and just a good kick and you're home free.
It's like kicking some guy in the balls, but why stop there? You can just as easily damage him there in several ways, you don't have to know how to kick, and its the same with so many points on a body.
Once you learn a few things, it becomes easier to learn more, and most of the people who get through life by being aggressive are the lumbering types who can't move fast enough, you learn to use that against them and you also learn to move faster.
It's relatively easy to disarm someone and no you can't outrun a gun, but they are so seldom used in those things anyways, and today, so many people are arming themselves that nobody really knows if they are carrying anyways, better to be safe and that alone stops lots of people.
Don't like guns? Think about getting just one of those telecoping things that you see people snap out in movies, they exist and are cheap enough, cheaper than a gun and they have the very same effect as racking a 12 gauge, the sound of loading one in the chamber of a pump shotgun is one of the most feared nosies there are, up close a 12 gauge even cut off shorter will not just take someone down, within twenty feet they will about tear someone in half, its not survivable and people know it.
Pulling out a gun is likely to get someone else doing the same, but that beater stick just looks bad and up close, you're holding out a gun and someone just cracks your hand with it and you'll lose the gun or at least the ability to use it.
Knives are only for those who really know how to use one, it takes more training than it takes to use a gun, machetes are just to big to carry everywhere and swords are pretty much just a movie thing.
I walk on the rails and I carry a walking stick not just to make it easier to walk with, learn how to use one and they are formidable weapons in themselves, if you like to carry those five foot ones like I see some people use, those are weapons in stickfighting and are easy to learn to use.
but mostly, its about learning to carry yourself, if you look scared, people see that and see you as an easy mark, stand up straight and if someone gives you shit, just stop and stare at them, don't say a thing, just stare into their eyes and almost everyone who is an asshole will walk away, they can't take being challenged and if you are challenged, you have to do it back of you lost before it even begins.

[Trinity]

How you carry yourself, your self esteem, is what gets picked up on.

It all starts with understanding you have value, and are not ashamed to be who you are. God knows, we were shamed enough for it before, no more.

Lot of laughter when the rapist or whatever he was tried me and wound up on the ground, reflexes...wrestler habits. Easy to put him down and he was drunk and not to heavy.

I don't think he read me.

The one thing that rattled me was being surrounded by the street gang, stealth, made it to the end and as they were getting off the bus one called me out, I gave him the finger and he spit in my face. That's about the worst of it for me, not bad.

But seriously, just standing up for yourself, for who you are, thats the whole thing, hold your head up, be free.

[Yuki]

The only issue I've had recently is just in certain public places, like the dentist or something, and my husband is so used to calling me "they" that he does it there and it just confuses people. The only reason that's an issue is because, in those places, I'd rather just go in for what I went for and leave. I don't want to try to explain, or draw attention to myself. He has good intentions.. he wants to call me what makes me comfortable and screw what everyone else thinks. But if I'm just somewhere to get my teeth looked at.. I'd rather just not worry about it.

He does it with his family, too, but that's fine. That one is actually kind of amusing when they keep asking "Who's they? Who do you keep talking about?" Lol

But otherwise, I don't worry about it.

Even after I get top surgery, I'll still just basically look like a woman that doesn't wear make up and wears men's clothes about half of the time. I'm okay with that. No one thinks much of that.

Once we move, and we aren't living with roommates who are trans, the whole "they" pronoun thing probably won't get used as much, for safety or whatever. But I'll still be able to wear what I want.

Again, my husband means well and wants to stand up for me.. but if it came down to anyone becoming violent towards either of us, I'd stand a better chance than he would. I'm also generally decent at being able to intimidate people away if I need to. He's not good at that, either. He gets scared easily and wouldn't know what to do.

I don't want either of us in that situation at all anyway if it can just be avoided by calling me "she" instead of "they".

But otherwise.. I don't feel like I'm brave for dressing how I want, since it's not really seem as being that unusual anyway. Plenty of cis/straight women wear men's things, or things that look like men's things. People will just think I'm like them. I have it easy when it comes to that.

[Leena]

Jan 29, 2020 12:51:21 GMT 8 Yuki said:

The only issue I've had recently is just in certain public places, like the dentist or something, and my husband is so used to calling me "they" that he does it there and it just confuses people. The only reason that's an issue is because, in those places, I'd rather just go in for what I went for and leave. I don't want to try to explain, or draw attention to myself. He has good intentions.. he wants to call me what makes me comfortable and screw what everyone else thinks. But if I'm just somewhere to get my teeth looked at.. I'd rather just not worry about it.

He does it with his family, too, but that's fine. That one is actually kind of amusing when they keep asking "Who's they? Who do you keep talking about?" Lol

But otherwise, I don't worry about it.

Even after I get top surgery, I'll still just basically look like a woman that doesn't wear make up and wears men's clothes about half of the time. I'm okay with that. No one thinks much of that.

Once we move, and we aren't living with roommates who are trans, the whole "they" pronoun thing probably won't get used as much, for safety or whatever. But I'll still be able to wear what I want.

Again, my husband means well and wants to stand up for me.. but if it came down to anyone becoming violent towards either of us, I'd stand a better chance than he would. I'm also generally decent at being able to intimidate people away if I need to. He's not good at that, either. He gets scared easily and wouldn't know what to do.

I don't want either of us in that situation at all anyway if it can just be avoided by calling me "she" instead of "they".

But otherwise.. I don't feel like I'm brave for dressing how I want, since it's not really seem as being that unusual anyway. Plenty of cis/straight women wear men's things, or things that look like men's things. People will just think I'm like them. I have it easy when it comes to that.

I'm still not sure what I gain by asking people to use different pronouns, though names and pronouns are important to most other trans and nonbinary people. Maybe it's because I felt the need to ask people to call me by birth name and he/him pronouns in the past, even though I liked it when I was younger, and other people at school and work that figured I was trans and used she/her pronouns and called me various feminine forms of my birth name.

I guess in a lot of ways I liked hiding in plain sight to being out. I just don't want to actively deny it when I'm cornered, though that happens pretty rarely, at least here.

I do feel I need to be brave when I present more feminine than I am really comfortable with, especially when I haven't done it publicly in awhile. I keep pushing myself and expanding my comfort zone, though I don't know that I ever will feel totally comfortable presenting feminine in some circumstances. I'm also not sure I really need to professionally. If people figure it out like they did before, so be it, but I don't want to try to explain nonbinary to cis people.

I guess it's just how I handled it in the past worked for me, I just put my hair in a ponytail and wore what guys at my workplaces wore. No reason I still can't do that even though I am now physically more feminine. Maybe it won't make me slightly dysphoric like it used to now, but if it does I could also slowly start presenting more feminine as I've done before too.

[Von]

I do feel I have to summon up some bravery to be me. Whether it's knowing someone can see my mustache in the right light, or worrying if my packer is in the right place when I go out for a quick jaunt across the street... It takes some stones. It takes bravery to push back against my bf asking me to shave everything off just so he can get a better boner. It takes bravery to order something at the store as Von, and pay for it with my card reading Shannon. (Just typing that I had to double check to make sure I spelled it right it's been a while) I think they'll void my order because my card is obviously stolen or something. It takes bravery to seek out people like me locally and hope I can make a friend my own age. Sometimes I don't have it. and I just let things go. But I find more and more that I want to speak up and not be ignored.

[Ativan Prescribed]

Being afraid is pretty much the opposite of being brave, brave people aren't always brave, they are when they need to be.
Being able to fend of someone doesn't make a person brave, but trying does, and thats the thing, bravery comes down to just trying, more so than doing.
If people seem like they might target you for a beating or something, then get self defense lessons, again free for a lot of people and they do it at martial arts places to get you hooked into buying the more advanced.
But that has a lot of standing tall to it if you know you are better prepared to withstand the assholes in life, and not that many of them are actually physically threatening, they just attack peoples defensives in ways that take them down.
If you can make it unsettling for them like they do to you, then doing that takes being brave enough to do it.
But most all of the crap that people dish out is designed to take you down some to make them look better, if you don't let them, they are the losers, you really don't have to say much if anything, just stopping and staring at them until they look away is all it takes.
but the situations can go south on you in a hurry if you don't make the effort to stand up for yourself, they will never let up on you and if it isn't on you, then it is going to be on the next person which is how they decided on you to begin with.
Still the very best thing you can do for yourself is to stand tall, don't slouch and if someone does say something, then especially don't slouch, don't look like you have been beaten by them.
Walking in that way that doesn't make you look smaller is a must, you have to have some swagger to be able to step a little better than the other person, take your hands out of your pockets and don't hide them like that again, it's the first thing that looks bad and weak.
Stand up straight and look at people coming towards you, if they are looking at you, its because they are trying to evaluate you and if you are doing the same, they will likely pass right on by, bullies look for the weakness in people, don't show it.
And just being freindly is a good sign that you are not afraid of others, the weak look is to not have expression and to be staring at the ground while you walk, its a really bad habit and if you look at people and see them doing it, then you should know how it makes you look.
Timid people get the most shit in life because they look timid and the more they get, the more timid they look, snap out of that misery if you put yourself in that cycle of never ending, break the old habits that you might have from being beaten down, don't look like you have.
It doesn't take and it isn't needed to look tough, just don't look like you are constantly afraid of others, nobody is 100% always looking like they can be a threat right back if threatened, don't even unless you have to.
But by far the single most confidence thing you can do is to learn how to be able to defend yourself if you have to, it isn't about looking like a person who shouldn't be fucked with, its looking like someone who is easy to do that to.

[Trinity]

Many, many times, a simple smile in response to a stare is all it takes, they relax and usually smile back and go on, I don't know why but it usually works, and with me its genuine any way.

Its been a while since I ran into trouble, I am glad for that.

I did have one guy walk up to me once in queens, might have been trying to start something, or not, but I said something about the rage I have and how it can turn lethal fast if anyone messes with me, that I just had had enough, and the convo went somewhere else, no scams or anything else, probably was someone messing and they decided it wasn't worth it, not a target for them, too crazy and too pissed off in general.

I didn't say it directed at them. I just said thats how it is with me on the street, that there's too much rage and someone would wind up with a high heel 3 inches into his forehead.

But the smile thing. Works really good, but has to be real maybe.